(aka Bike) Part 753 by Angharad |
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I was almost shaking as I sat there waiting – why did I feel so nervous? I couldn’t answer that. I hoped that what I was wearing conveyed the statement I wanted to make: that I was moderately successful and contented and messed up. Did I want to include that last bit? I didn’t think so.
“Cathy, would you like to come in?” I was so wrapped in my own thoughts I nearly wet myself when she called me. I rose slowly from the chair, I was wearing a top and skirt under a raincoat. In my hand I held a hat and my bag, inside which were my book and my account of the dream.
Once inside the door, she offered her hand which I shook gently – I had a very girly handshake anyway, but so did she so I didn’t think any more about it. “I’m just going to have some coffee, would you like some?”
“Thank you,” I hope she wasn’t seeing this as a social meeting – surely not? I mean, I’m her patient, not a friend. She handed me a cup of dark fluid – a white bone china one with gold band around the rim. Milk was on the coffee table as was sugar. I added a moderate amount of cow juice and sat myself down as elegantly as I could.
“Honestly, how you young women walk on those things, I’ll never know,” she was referring to my red heeled shoes, the same ones that had got Trish walking again. They had a three inch heel which I didn’t see as excessive in the current climate.
“I’ll bet you wore them this high when you were younger,” I challenged back.
“That was quite a while ago, Cathy.” She seated herself opposite me and asked, “And how is motherhood and apple pie?”
“It’s okay, hard work but I’m coping, I think.” I paused to sip my coffee. “This is very mellow coffee.”
“Yes, I have it blended for me.”
“Hmmm, it’s really nice.”
“I’m sure you didn’t come to see me just to bag a cup of coffee, did you?”
“No, I had a peculiar dream the other night and wrote it down,” I handed her the sheet of paper. She took it and read it.
“I’m surprised that you hadn’t integrated Charlie into your new life ages ago. I suspect if I’d known this before, I may have asked you to wait for surgery.”
“Oh, I don’t regret that in any way, so I’m glad that didn’t happen.”
“So what do you think it means? What do you think provoked it?”
I explained about Simon’s visit to the States and the Christmas ball and how it had precipitated thoughts about getting married. “So do you not want to get married?”
“Yes, I do.”
“What’s the problem then?”
“I don’t know.”
“I see your unconscious pulled up the idea of Charlie not being integrated, which I think is possibly symbolism for you not feeling entirely committed.”
“But I am, Dr Thomas.”
“Are you? So why is this happening?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you sure you made the right decision?”
“About what?”
“Becoming Cathy?”
“Yes, that’s who I am. I have absolutely no regrets.”
“So if you died tomorrow, you’d die happy, would you?”
“No.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I’d be worried who was going to take care of my children and Simon.”
“Wouldn’t he take care of them?”
“I don’t know if he’d be allowed to, they were awarded to me. If he was allowed to, he’d do his best. I love to see him interact with the girls. They love him almost as much as he loves them – he spoils them rotten.”
“Are you jealous of them?”
“Who?”
“The girls, the relationship they have with Simon?”
“No, on the contrary, as I can’t give him children, I’m pleased to see him adapting to love those I have managed to acquire.”
“How sad are you that they aren’t actually your children?”
“It’s a minor point – I can’t have children, and if I could, I doubt they’d be any better than the ones I have now. I don’t think I could love them any more, or them me.”
“So, what precipitated this dream?”
“I have no idea.”
“You’re a beautiful young woman, so what aren’t you telling me?”
“I don’t know. Everyone tells me that I’m fairly attractive as a woman…”
“But?”
“I don’t know.”
“But you don’t believe them, is that it?”
“Sort of … yeah, that’s about it.”
“Have you looked at yourself recently?”
“I see myself everyday in the mirror, when I dress or do my hair or clean my teeth and so on.”
“You see yourself, but do you?”
“If I’m doing my hair or putting on makeup, of course I do.”
“What colour are your eyes?”
“Green mainly, with brown bits, why?”
“Okay, which of your eyebrows is slightly higher than the other?”
“I don’t know, I’d forgotten about that.”
“Had you, to my eye, they look the same. You haven’t really looked at yourself, have you?”
“Enough to know I’m getting fat.”
“Where?”
“Around my bum and my waist isn’t as narrow as it was.”
“Are you cycling?”
“Not very often, too busy with the kids.”
“That might explain a little weight gain.”
“Yeah, could be.”
“Cathy, there’s a mirror over there above the fireplace, would you stand far enough away to see your whole self in it.” I did as she requested. “Can you see your whole body?”
“Yes.”
“Describe yourself to me.”
“What? This is silly.”
“Why is that? Don’t you like what you see?”
“Of course I do.”
“So why can’t you do as I ask?”
“I feel silly.”
“Why is that?”
“Well I know what I look like and what I’m wearing.”
“What colour bra and knickers have you got on?”
“Red.”
“Okay, so describe the rest.”
“This is silly.”
“Humour me.”
“Okay, I’m wearing a red top with a red skirt and red shoes.”
“Describe yourself inside those clothes.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your hair, eyes, mouth, breasts that sort of thing.”
“Okay, I have mousy fair hair with auburn bits in it. I have green eyes with brown flecks in them. My mouth is okay, I suppose, except it says stupid things too often.”
“Carry on.”
“I’m wearing a red skirt and top over my red underwear. The top is scooped and shows my cleavage. The top of the skirt has a black belt a couple of inches wide, which makes my waist look slenderer than it is, and consequently my hips look wider too – because I’m too fat. My legs are freckled rather than brown and my shoes are red courts.”
“Is the woman you describe, attractive?”
“So they say.”
“I didn’t ask them, I asked you?”
“She’s okay, I guess.”
“What would make her more attractive?”
“I don’t know.”
“Being prettier?”
“Probably.”
“Having a more sensual mouth?”
“Yeah, probably.”
“Better figure?”
“Definitely.”
“What is yours, Cathy?”
“What do you mean?”
“What size are you?”
“A UK size 12/14, why?”
“Which is what in vital statistics?”
“Not sure, probably 36 -24-37, something like that.”
“If I told you something, would you believe me?”
“Probably.”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“So if I told you something, you’d believe me?”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
“Oh don’t do me any favours, Cathy, either you will or won’t.”
“Okay, I would believe you.”
“Listen carefully, you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous. You have beautiful green eyes, a sensual mouth, lovely thick hair, a figure to die for and relatively small hands and feet. Do you believe me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can you see yourself?”
“Yes.”
“Do you agree?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you disagree with, then?”
“Nothing I guess.”
“So what is your problem?”
“I don’t know.”
“Cathy, there are thousands, nay millions of women out there who would kill to look like you do, you are beautiful, just look at yourself. You are one of the most attractive women in Portsmouth, and a loving mother and dutiful fiancée. So, what is wrong, what are you not telling me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay, let’s call it a day. I want to see you next week and I want you to think about why you can’t see what everyone else does.”
“Couldn’t they all just be wrong?”
“Spoken like a true psychotic, which you’re not. I don’t think everyone else is wrong, do you?”
“Probably not.”
“Go on, and give those kids a hug from me. See you next week.”
“I’m sorry, Dr Thomas, thank you for your time.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For being difficult.”
“Difficult? Ha – yesterday, I had to press my panic button because some psycho had me up against the wall threatening to punch my lights out. You’re sweet and kind by comparison. Off you go.”
Comments
Aarrgghh!!
Pretty much everyone she meets and now even her own psychologist telling her she's one of the most attractive women in Portsmouth, and she still refuses to believe it.
What is it going to take to shake Cathy out of this self-doubt that's still clinging to her like a limpet?
Something's evidently going to do the trick sometime, but what and when?
--Ben
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
I quite understand where...
Cathy comes from in not believing she's attractive. She sees substantially the same person she saw before... That was purportedly a male, who she was repeatedly told just didn't hack it. So, she sees the same person, okay, maybe some little changes, but still the same person. Why would she believe that suddenly that person is lovely?
Annette (who feels she's unattractive - with much more grounds than Cathy, apparently, yet she gets told otherwise as well)
I can totally relate to how
I can totally relate to how Cathy's feeling here. I've had guys telling me I'm beautiful (sometimes in almost awed sounding voices), and it just sounds like bull to me. I know I'm not beautiful! Plain, maybe even a little tiny bit cute, but beautiful? Get a grip! Of course it's different for her, she's a whole lot better looking, unless everyone but her in this series is totally blind! ;) But I think most if not all women have issues like this, and transsexual women especially. It's hard to go from plain boring boy to being an attractive girl. Physically it's not that difficult, really, but making the mental leap is a totally different story!
Great chapter Angharad, you got me all teary-eyed again! You should really invest in Kleenex or something. ;)
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
Very few women ...
... buy into the compliments of others without MANY reservations. We're all too busy seeing our own flaws in the mirror every day to believe the words of someone so obviously mistaken. I KNOW my lips are too wide and my nose is slightly crooked and my breasts are either too big or too small and my hips are too full and my legs aren't long enough ... the list goes on and on.
I'm not surprised this eats at Cathy the way it does. After all, it's a girl thing. *grin*
Randa
I am drop dead gorgeous.
She's simply not convinced that she is worthy, and I have no idea how anyone could convince her.
You all have bits of it but the key to Cathy is her past IMHO
Ang has told us many times going way back in this series that Charlie from as far back as she, Cathy could remember she, well he then, was told "you're not worthy" "you're nothing in the eyes of God," "we are all worthless sinners and must repent, " IE LOTS of TLC as a young child --- I'm being facetious here. And once they, or at least Dad noticed his feminine traits and worse, he got beaten often and several times almost to death -- out of LOVE I'm sure. The worst beating being precipitated by his own BELOVED Mom ratting him out to Dad, the self-righteous enforcer.
Add her own TG worries into this and it is amazing she can even function. She has admitted it herself, she has a low self esteem as her parents and the Church of the Devine Loony - apologies to Monty Python -- tore every bit of confidence and familial love away from her. Fed a diet of "you are nothing" "pride is a sin" and so on no wonder she can't see she is special or even wworthy of being average. She has a hard time admitting she is at least a decent woman let alone that she is to be commended as a superior class of person, IE in terms of her numerous selfless charitable acts, acts of bravery and the like.
The scars her parents left her are deep and long lasting. It may help keep her humble, which is good, but it also cripples her with excessive self doubt even self loathing at times.
This is a case where blaming the parents is right and proper. A pity she never had a chance to have it out with mom or dad before she died and before his strokes. I wish they had lived so she could sick the law on them as child abusers. And I do not excuse the mother one minute. I hope her mom's heart attack was painful as hell and dad agonized in his crippled stroke ravaged body.
Jeese I'm in a sweet and forgiving mood today.
John in Wauwatosa
P.S. Great stuff yet again, Ang.
John in Wauwatosa
Interesting...
I'm enjoying this story line as it is dealing with self-awareness and self-perception. Cathy seems in denial of who she has become. Growing up she received lots of negative reinforcement when she tried to express her true identity. That negativity's legacy has Cathy incredulous that she got every thing she dreamed of growing up, except the ability to bear children. It looks like she is beginning to face this self doubt at she was denying. Recognizing the problem is the first step (and one of the most powerful steps) to resolving it.
Thanks for keeping the story flowing.
Hugs,
Trish-Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~
Ps: I've been struggling to keep up. I have new a temp position that has weird hours and makes keeping up with his prolific series difficult. Some times I barely have time to to read it.
Hugs,
Trish Ann
~There is no reality, only perception~
BINGO, YES YES YES !
Spot on, Trish-Ann.
Exactly my point but in fewer words and with far less gratuitous violence.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
It certainly looks
like Dr Thomas is going to have to earn her money...Cathy is proving to be a tough nut to crack ! But at least she's not violent!!!... Except if your a burglar,Russian mafia,etc, etc....
Kirri
Yeah
... but let us hope she is not as hard to crack as an unshelled Macadamian nut.
Kim
I'm not sure that
Cathy is going to be that tough a patient. Somewhere there is going to be a breakthrough... when Cathy can look in the mirror and see Cathy, not a ghost of Charlie. I like Dr. Thomas' actions - no sitting and listening for a few months then do something minor. She's getting Cathy thinking and working immediately. And I have to agree, "hug those kids for me too."
If Cathy's Doctor And Lady Priest
Were to get together and compare notes, THEN hearing that a church official thinks that she is beautiful and WORTHY, then Charlie will get on to Cathy's case and make her see straight.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Interesting sesssion...
if a bit short... (Compressed for reading I'm sure... LOL)
Reminds me of some of mine - not the "pretty" bit, but the bit about the doc making me think about things in ways I'd not thought about them before... More so last time around, when I just thought I was crazy.
I hope Stella & the rest don't give her a hard time about having the sessions though! Not sure if Stella has it in her to not tease, etc. Cathy on the visit and lack of outcome. *sighs*
Thanks,
Annette
I agree with just about everybody
but, as I said before, it takes time and a whole lot of affirmation to rebuild self-esteem, which is a fragile thing.
I have 'enjoyed' various put-downs throughout my life, including a very 'helpful' fatherly comment when I came out to him in 1981.
Even being a beautiful genetic woman doesn't always eliminate all feelings of insecurity - and that was only ever a dream for me. No way was I ever going to be an attractive transwoman.
Cathy at least is finally seeking help, and might be able to face the future without that whacking great piece of elastic pulling her back every time she takes a step forward.
Nice one Angharad, enjoy your holiday.
Susie
Even tho Cathy is now
Even tho Cathy is now considering Charley to be "gone", she still has a lot of baggage hanging on her from her parents constantly telling him/her she was not "worthy" and other similiar comments. This will cause anyone to feel less than they actually are and it will take a lot of time and most likely a lot of work on the part of the Dr and Cathy to get through all this. Janice Lynn
She has reached her dream,
And still she struggles with it.
This is the first complete description I have had of Cathy, you know? I knew and understood she is beautiful (even if she doesn't), but the little details eluded me.
Isn't there a medical term for how Cathy looks at her self
This is a great looking kid ! Everybody, I mean everybody says she is beautiful.
This goes back to when she first met Stella. This is part of her feelings of being inadequate in looks and as a woman
Cefin