UNTITLED STORY
By Julie Katz
Draft Sunday November 15th
EXT. MAIN STREET- NEW PALTZ, NY
We begin with a black SUV stopping in the middle of the road. Three male COLLEGE STUDENTS step out of the car. They are carrying water balloons.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
Hey freaks! Take that.
The students unleash their water balloons on what appears to be a man and woman. The man is extremely skinny and shorter than the woman. He has short hair, glasses, and small features. The woman is tall and muscular, has rugged features and surprisingly large hands and feet. In reality, the man is a woman and the woman is a man. Both of the main characters are transgender. The students laugh and hurry back into their SUV. They drive off.
The woman, SAM, is visibly upset. The man, CHARLIE, comforts her.
CHARLIE
Sam, it's ok. It's just water.
SAM
When will the world finally learn to accept us?
CHARLIE
In our life time, never.
Sam rolls her eyes.
SAM
Thank you, Mr. Pessimistic for making me feel so much better.
The two of them embrace as they turn and face their apartment. They walk up the steps and Charlie takes out the key. The door opens and they walk in.
CUT TO:
INT. SAM AND CHARLIE'S APARTMENT
The inside of the apartment is a typical college apartment. Their's empty pizza boxes, cups, garbage and other debris strewn about. The two of them enter the apartment. Sam removes her sweatshirt revealing a bra but she has some chest hair. She enters the bedroom out of the frame.
CHARLIE
Would you like some tea?
Sam reappears from off frame with a new shirt.
SAM
Charlie, How did you get to be the best guy in the world?
CHARLIE
Hormones.
Sam giggles in response. Charlie then proceeds to take his shirt off, revealing two breasts. This imagery is to get the audience to understand that they are transgender and living as the opposite sex.
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
I'm going to get changed. Then we can head back out.
He walks off screen into the bedroom. Sam sits on the couch and flicks the TV on. I Love Lucy can be heard in the background.
SAM
I feel like staying in now. Can we just get pizza?
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Again?
SAM
My favorite blouse just got ruined. I'm not in a good mood.
Charlie re-enters from the bedroom also wearing a new shirt.
CHARLIE
Baby, you can't let those assholes ruin your spirit. I was kidding before.
Sam begins looking through the take out menus on the coffee table
CHARLIE (CONT'D)
I'm serious Samantha. Once we can afford for both of reassignment surgery we won't be called freaks anymore.
Sam holds up a menu.
SAM
How about Chinese?
CHARLIE
You're not listening.
Charlie gets up from the couch.
SAM
I am. I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm getting wonton soup.
Charlie shakes his head exasperated.
CHARLIE
Order me dumplings.
FADE TO:
EXT. CHINA HOUSE
Charlie is seen entering the Chinese place.
CUT TO:
INT. CHINA HOUSE
A typical Chinese restaurant. Chinese decorations, etc. In the restaurant are the three college students from before. They see Charlie as he walks into the store.
Charlie walks up to the counter. There is a CHINESE MAN standing there.
CHARLIE
I'm here to pick up an order for Charlie.
The Chinese man turns and leaves to get the food. The three students stand up from the table and form a circle around Charlie.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
Well, what do we have here?
CHARLIE
Please leave me alone. I haven't done anything to you.
The Chinese man comes back with Charlie's food.
COLLEGE STUDENT 2
Oh, I can't let a little lady like you carry this.
COLLEGE STUDENT 3
I'll take care of it.
He hands the Chinese man a twenty as they escort Charlie out of the building. The Chinese man looks perplexed.
CHARLIE
Where are you taking me?
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
Somewhere nice.
CUT TO:
EXT. CHINA HOUSE
Charlie is being pushed with great force into the trunk of the black SUV.
CHARLIE
Please stop. Ow.
His sounds become muffled as the college students shut the trunk on Charlie. They enter the car and the car speeds off into the distance.
CUT TO:
INT. SAM AND CHARLIE'S APARTMENT
Sam is sitting on the couch still staring at the TV. She checks her watch. She makes a face.
SAM
Where is he?
CUT TO:
EXT. MOHONK MOUNTAIN WOODS
The car stops at an overpass. It is very dark except for the headlights. The college students get out of the black SUV. They open the trunk door and drag Charlie to the overpass leaning him over. The headlights are illuminating this from behind causing everything to be in silhouette.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
We're here.
CHARLIE
What are you going to do to me?
COLLEGE STUDENT 2
Well we could kick your ass.
COLLEGE STUDENT 3
But you're just a girl. And we don't hit girls.
CHARLIE
I'm not a girl.
As soon as she says this, college student number 1 puts his fingers on his crotch. You can see his hand start to rub the area. Charlie's head leans back as if he is in agony and ecstasy.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
I beg to differ.
He starts to undo Sam's pants and he slips his fingers down. Charlie moans in pleasure.
CHARLIE
Stop...please...stop.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
When was the last time you got fucked? Huh?
CHARLIE
I...don't...know.
COLLEGE STUDENT 1
You're a girl. Not a guy, and you'll never be a guy. So get that through your head.
He pushes Charlie down onto the ground. The college students enter the car and drive off leaving Charlie stranded in the woods. He sobs. The first time in a long time he remembered how it felt to be a girl.
Comments
Sam And Charlie
Read as if it is a T.V. play. Very well done for a new author.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
I'm glad it wasn't any more violent than it had to be
to get its point across, Charlie's fear and sense of total of loss of power, degradation at the hands of these cowardly swine who aren't half the man he is; and the initial small-time act of terrorism with the water balloons being enough to make Sam want to stay in that night, which is exactly the goal of thugs like these. A chilling story, and timely too, with the annual Transgender Day of Rememberance coming up in a few days here...
I don't know about Charlie's "pleasure response" to being finger banged by these creeps; friends of mine who have vaginas and have been raped say they weren't at all responsive or wet down there because of their fear and loathing, and as far as Charlie knew that's what was going to happen to him, but I can't claim absolutely that it could never happen.
There's some problems with the paragraphs, and stage directions work better in italics (someone can explain how to do it), but it was a pretty good for a first time writer here, maybe better than a few who have been around a while...
~~~hugs, Laika
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Good First Effort
It takes a lot of courage to post your first story. You're to be congratulated. And, to try a format that's outside the box is especially valiant.
Much of what you suggested rings true. That is the essence of good story-telling.
You get right into the story. So many authors on BC force us to wade through a huge information dump before they actually start the story.
Your story has a beginning, a middle, and an ending. That is refreshing.
You appeal to the senses, which helps us get into what you're telling.
There are some things I would do differently, but that only proves it is your story.
There's enough here to indicate you could probably be quite good at some point.
I'm voting for it.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
My feelings exactly
Okay, it needs a few tweaks here and there, but it's well told and conveys in very few words the fear of the FtM, particularly when starting out on a very difficlt road. And we thought MtF's had problems.
The screenplay idea, while it doesn't always work, is very well used here, heightening the drama and putting the reader right in the middle of the action.
Congratulations on your writing, your inspiration and your courage.
Susie
A New Entrant to this Venue
Julie,
What kind of encouraging comment can I make to a new author?
Well first, I should thank you for sharing your story with us. For a first attempt, it is really quite good. As others have commented, the inclusion of stage directions rather than paragraphs of description to convey the same information is refreshingly new. I caught on to it quickly and liked it.
I am certain that you were more than a bit scared to post your story, but you overcame that and succeeded. That puts you (at least) one step ahead of me, and you deserve credit for that. The only thing that I can find any fault with is that I have never seen an SUV with a trunk. They all seem to be more like a station wagon or van with a tail gate or lift gate in the back. But, that doesn't mean that such a vehicle doesn't exist somewhere, only that I haven't seen it. The same applies to stories. There may be others like yours, but I haven't seen one, so your story is unique, at least in MHO.
Please keep writing, and again, many thanks.
Avid Reader