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 Jeannie’s fingers strained to grip the bedroom handset, her hold made more perilous by her damp hands. She peered at her husband, who had just finished punching in the number for his brother. She listened to the ringing on the other end. Maybe it would be better if he doesn’t answer. Jerry’s likely to be abrupt and Todd’s so sensitive. He’s going to be disappointed by how Todd receives his news. . . .

“Hey, Jerry, got some time to talk?” Todd asked hesitantly, his face screwed into a question mark.

“Sure, what’s up?”

His tone is flat, and almost without emotion, which is typical of Jerry’s “phone” persona. He’s marginally warmer face-to-face.

“I’ve got something I need to talk to you and Craig about, and it’s nothing I can really talk about over the phone.”

“What. . . . What is it? You’re not sick, are you?”

Jerry’s most likely remembering Craig’s prostate scare last year. He’s okay, the biopsy tested negative, but it sets the three brothers on edge whenever they talk.

“No. . . . I’m not sick, and no. . .before you even ask, I’m not looking for a hand out. . . . We’re fine. It’s just something that doesn’t fit well into a ten-minute phone conversation.”

If it isn’t that serious, why can’t you tell me now?” Jerry’s tone had turned from one of concern to impatience. “What’s going on that you have to be so secretive?”

Todd is being somewhat “secretive,” but he thinks revealing what’s troubling him to Jerry in a phone conversation won’t go well. . .and he’s probably right.

“Come on; cut the crap and get to it. I don’t have time for this shit.” Jerry’s tone had gone from impatient to rude.

Todd looked flustered.

He’s not anticipating a good outcome.

“You’ve heard of PTSD, right?” Todd asked tentatively

He’s worried that Jerry will hang up.

“Yeah. . .they briefed us about that after my first tour in Iraq. What does that have to do with you?”

Why is he snarling?

“I’ve been diagnosed with it, Jer. . .after I started going to the neuro-guy for the all the shaking and shrugging I’ve been doing.”

“Wait a sec. . .bro.” His use of “bro” sounded less than cordial or familial. “If anyone in the family should have it, it would be me.”

It’s understandable that he’s so resentful. I can’t imagine how it would be to watch your best friend get killed right before your eyes. They shouldn’t have gone back for their second tour.

“What the fuck ever happened to you. . . . What have you ever been through? At least Craig and me served. . . .What the fuck have you ever done?”

His tone’s downright mean. She carefully walked over to within inches of where Todd stood and started rubbing the back of his neck with her free hand, trying to ease the tension. His tremors have improved over the last few weeks, but his hands are shaking once again from the stress of the call.

“I’ve got something to tell you, and you getting pissed off at me doesn’t make it any easier. Can you let me finish?”

“Sure, what the fuck. . .go ahead. . . . It’s bound to be a beaut.” Jerry spat out his taunt as if he was talking to a street bum or a panhandler.

“PTSD happens. . .post traumatic stress disorder. . .when the brain can’t handle a significant trauma. . . .”

“What have you ever been through. . .?” Jerry interrupted him. “I saw my best friend’s head blown off. . . . What did you ever have happen like that. . .? You’re just like Mom said. . .what a fucking baby!”

Jerry would be sorely pressed to explain his own behavior, without first looking at his own loss and pain. He’s a victim. . .he’s suffered, but tries to get rid of the pain by getting involved in his job and activities and such after work. . . . As long as he stays busy, he doesn’t have to face the pain he feels and maybe get the help he needs.

“Jerry, please, I know you’ve been through a lot. . .a lot more than I ever will have happen.”

I can’t stand it when Todd minimizes his own loss and trauma while trying to placate his brother, but he’s wrong. You can’t compare pain to pain. . . . Both are tragic -- like apples to oranges -- separate but painfully equal.

“You remember when you and Craig used to go with Mommy and Daddy to the shore every summer when we were kids? Sometimes you’d stay at Uncle Tommy’s and Craig would hang out with his buddies. They always left me at Grandma’s house.”

“What the fuck? You’re telling me you’re hurt because you didn’t get to go to the dog shows in the summer. Fuck. . . . I lost my best friend and you’re fucking upset because you didn’t get to go on the rollercoaster? I don’t have time for this shit!”

Todd and his wife stared at each other in disappointment. It was apparent from what they were hearing on the phone that Jerry would have hung up, but for Mickey, his wife, who was trying to get him to calm down by talking quietly to him.

“Jerry,” Todd said slowly, “please shut the fuck up for one sec and listen to me. It wasn’t about what you guys got to do. . . . It was about what happened when you guys were gone.”

“Whaddya mean? What was so bad? Come on, what could be so bad. . . . Jeez, you’re such a fucking baby.

“Uncle Todd raped me. . .he fucking raped me.” Todd began to cry.

Jeanne held him tightly and squeezed his hand. She kissed him lightly on the cheek.

“No fucking way. . .you’re fucking wrong. What the fuck is that doctor fillin’ your head with. You’re wrong.” His tone changed from defiance to . . . confusion.

Jeannie could hear Mickey console her husband. Mickey and Jeannie were fairly close, and had long suspected something was wrong in their husbands’ family that no one could put a finger on.

“He raped me. . .every which way. . .when I was ten. . .the help I’m getting with the neuro-doc is sorta odd. . .biofeedback. . .affecting the part of the brain that controls memory and emotion.”

“No fucking way. . .your doc probably told you to say this. . . . He’s trying to get you into some fucking program so they can get money out of you.”

“All of this came out days after I saw him. . . . It’s fairly common. . . . Listen to me, please. . .have I ever lied to you. . . . This happened. . . . Every feeling. . . .”

“I don’t understand. How the fuck didn’t you remember this until just now?”

Todd apparently had calmed down. He wiped his remaining tears with a hand towel Jeannie had handed him.

She cried and stroked his arm . . . more to comfort herself.

“You know how Tommy likes to play with trains?” Todd said, referring to Jerry’s son.

“What the fuck has that got to do with anything.”

“Well. . .think of the brain as a railroad and all the paths for signals as tracks. When something bad happens, like what you saw with your friend. . . .” Todd paused, apparently waiting to see if he’d struck a exposed nerve. Hearing nothing on the other end, he continued. “When the brain can’t handle a trauma, it makes a new ‘track’ like Tommy’s train set, to bypass the memory. And the new track keeps you sorta safe. . . .”

“Why now, Todd? Why the fuck now?”

“Because Uncle Todd died last year.”

Todd hates to even say his uncle’s name. . . . It hurts him so bad to be named after his abuser, but he’s doing better.

“So. . . . I don’t understand. What the fuck has that to do with anything. . . . For Christsakes. . .you’re fucking thirty-nine years old. What the fuck?”

Jerry sounds more confused than angry, but his tone’s making it so hard for Todd to say what he has to say next.

“Jer. . .fuck. . .Jerry. . ..” Todd began to cry once again, and struggled to continue. “He said he’d kill someone. . . . He fucking told me he’d kill you if I ever told anyone.”

Todd drop his handset and collapsed on the couch, sitting up holding his face in his hands -- weeping tears of sadness.

It’s such a relief for him to finally be able to tell his brother. Jeannie picked up the phone and began to talk. “Jerry. . .it’s Jeannie. . . . You there?”

“Jeannie, what the fuck is going on?”

“Todd’s doctor explained that even as an adult, the fear was always in the back of his mind that your uncle would kill you if he talked. When your uncle died, it took away that block.”

“I don’t understand. Uncle Todd died last year. Why now. . .why so long after he died?”

“There’s a lot more to talk about. . .that’s why he wanted to meet you and Craig together. . .face-to-face. Honey, let me talk to Mickey, okay?”

Jeanne heard sounds of the phone being passed. “Mickey. . .hon. . .have you been listening?” Jeannie hoped for an ally. Mickey had been a good friend to Jeannie since she married Jerry.

“You know, I never trusted that fucker. . . . There was just something about him. . . . How is Toddy doing, hon? How are you doing?”

“We’re doing fairly well. I knew something like this was going to happen, but there really isn’t anything we can do to prevent or make things easier. He’s going to go through what he goes through. It’s been hell, but it’s so much better now. And you know this will be so much better still if Jerry and Craig can be there for him. I need you guys to call Craig and Connie. Todd needs his family more than ever, and I don’t think he can handle another phone call like this.

“Sure thing, sweetie,” Mickey said. “Give me your hand, Jer,” she said softly away from the phone. “I think we can help out,” she said, apparently turning back to talk to Jeannie. “Jerry loves Todd. . .you know that. . .this is just such a shock. We’re going to be okay. . .you’ll see. I’ll call Connie tomorrow. . . . It’s kinda late for this stuff. We’re going to be okay. Love you. . . . Talk to you tomorrow!” Mickey hung up.

Jeannie turned around and saw Todd sitting up with his face buried in the side bolster of the couch. She carefully lifted him off the couch and hugged her husband. How he would get through this -- how they’d all get through this -- was still a mystery, but her faith helped her believe it would be alright.

Two figures lay side by side in the large bed. She stroked her lover’s longish hair, wanting to provide some solace after what had taken place earlier that day. Their bodies were pressed together, almost as one. She wore a long pale nightgown, which matched the light grey gown worn by her lover. Another time perhaps, this scene might have been sensual, satisfying soul, body, and spirit. Tonight, it was simply one woman comforting another, trying to help her lover fall asleep after a horrific day of hurt and memories and rejection and pain. Another time. . .maybe someday in the future, these two might make love and experience the intimacy that their relationship might grow into, but now it was sister-to-sister. One heart comforting another; one kissing and hugging, the other laying still, weeping tears of sadness and unresolved fear and doubt.

Two hearts uniting as one in true, unmitigated and sweet love.

To be continued

Un Giorno Per Noi - A Time For Us - Love Theme From Romeo and Juliet
Words by Larry Kusik and Eddie Snyder and Music by Nino Rota
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcyRO_ZFa9I