Cierra closed her eyes and drew in a breath. When she released it … the life in her body seemed to leave her. When she opened her eyes the sparkle had faded and the blue was almost grey. Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

“I … I’m sorry. I … I just wanted to try … to try extra hard ‘cause … ‘cause now I understand … and … and well … I just think I could get there you know. I think if I tried with … with all that I am … that I could make something happen."

by Maggie the Kitten

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“No!” She cried. She reached out frantically grabbing at the air as if she could draw back in the reality that was escaping her.

“No …” she sighed now defeated as her hands and her hopes dropped and the voice returned to whisper once again.

Tears fell and Cierra’s wobbling legs said she was soon to follow. David reached out to grab her with a firm hand and Terry did the same with her voice.

“Cici!” She commanded and the little princess raised face to do as ordered.

“Listen to me … there’s no need for all those tears and all this drama. You know we don’t drama here. Do we?”

Cierra shook her head and tried to comply but the pain … the loss was too fresh and too deep and she couldn’t stop the waterworks.

Terry’s heart was breaking for her friend who so wanted and needed her insides to be her outsides. Her voice softened as she sought the words to ease the pain and dry the tears.

“Honey … I know you hurt. I know it hurts real bad … but it’s going to be okay and you’re going to be okay. Now listen to me … you’ve had your five minutes … and it was a wonderful five minutes. You got everything you wanted. You … got to be home … and you were our daughter and … you finally got to do all those things you wanted to do.”

Terry’s soothing words seemed to have the opposite effect on her distraught friend. Anger filled Cierra’s eyes. Her words were frustration laced and came in an explosion.

“No … no … no … no! I didn’t do them. I didn’t DO anything! I wasted it … my one and only chance and I wasted it.”

Cierra shook her head. Tears started again … and self hate poured out with them. “Stupid … stupid … stupid! I had five minutes to live and … and I blew it. I can’t believe I wasted it. Oh Cici forgive me … I wasted it.”

David looked to Terry for translation, but the look on her face said she had none.

“Cierra”, Terry said slowly and softly. “I don’t understand. How can you say you wasted it?”

Cierra wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to explain through the pain.

“Cause … I stood right here and did nothing but talk. I talked about how wonderful it is … and … and how horrible it was … and I talked about all the things I was going to do and how wonderful it would be … but I didn’t DO ANYTHING! Don’t you see … I had five minutes to live … to get in the game … but I sat on the sidelines … watching and talking … but never doing? I stood on this spot … I didn’t move six feet … I didn’t do any of the things I finally had the chance to do … I … just talked about them. I wasted it.”

Her face dropped again and the volume of her voice followed. “I was still sitting on the landing looking through the railings … still sitting at the computer tapping keys … finally inside with a chance to do so much and what did I do? I did nothing … nothing at all … but talk … talk … talk.”

Cierra’s blue eyes begged Terry for an answer. “Why Mom … err … Terry … did I waste my time? Why didn’t I do … instead of talk? What went wrong? Why did I blow it? Why? Why was it almost like … like something just got in the way … something held me back and keep me from doing?”

“Maybe …” David gave an honest answer to the question he wasn’t asked. “It’s because … for as much little girl as you are … or believe you are … or get the chance to be … you’re still a fifty year old woman. Now I know that’s not what you want to hear or think about but it’s the truth Cierra. That part of you exists and no matter how small a percentage you reduce it to … it’s still there … still awake and no five minutes of magic can wish it away. The adult was clearly sharing with the child. It’s why you spent so much time talking about how bad it’s been … why you seemed to have the appreciation and understanding of an adult but the heart, desire and need of the child.”

David smiled sympathetically at the lost girl. “Look … I’m no doctor or therapist … maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about, but in my opinion you didn’t do anything wrong or waste anything. I think you did all you could do. I don’t think it’s possible to be more child than you were. The adult is always going to be there like … like an anchor weighing you down … and it won’t let you forget that for all your heart … you’re still a grown woman … and maybe talking and writing and wishing is as close as you can get to it. Maybe doing … really … I don’t know … playing or … or whatever it is you think you should have done is just beyond you … beyond the amount of child within you to overcome the adult who will always be with you because as much as you hate it … this is reality and that’s the truth. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong … maybe you just never really had a chance to do anything more. Maybe that’s all there was and you were as close as you could get. I’m sorry Cierra. I’m truly sorry.”
 
 
Both Terry and Cierra were amazed not only by the amount of words coming from their normally silent sentinel but also by their depth and insight into Cierra’s situation. If there was any doubt that he cared … truly cared … it was lost when he finished. Terry’s hand found its way to David’s. The look in her eyes told him that his gentle honesty was appreciated.

Cierra stood there silently, weighing David’s words, wondering if he could be right and hoping that if he was … there was still a way round the truth. When she reached her decision, her eyes went wide.

“Yes … yes … David, I think you’re right … at least about part of it. The adult isn’t ever really going to go away. It’s part of who I am … not a big part … not what I think truly defines someone: their heart and soul … but it’s still a part of me … if only in body and experience. And … I can’t wish it away … because if I could … well … my fantasy five minutes would’ve become real and lasted a lifetime. “

Cierra waved her arms across her body. “This doesn’t truly define me … but it is part of me … and always will be.”

She tapped her forehead. “And there’s so much in there that I wish I could forget … that I wish I could wipe away … that no kid could know or should know … but reality says I’ll carry those memories and those scars with me until death or Alzheimer’s takes them away. Yes … the adult will always be here and maybe it will always be in the way of the child … sort of like an anchor weighing her down or a tether that will allow her to only come into this world so far and maybe … maybe I did reach the length of my tether in those five minutes and I had all there is … or maybe … just maybe … not.”

Hope … mixed with desperation flickered in Cierra’s blue eyes as she looked between Terry and David, knowing her time and their patience were running short.

“Look, I’ve always thought of myself as having a foot in both worlds … adult and child, but most of the weight … my 87% if you will … rests on the one wearing the Mary Jane. Now during my five minutes … it felt as though Cici … my foot wearing the Mary Jane … almost carried all the weight, but not quite. It was almost as if … if … the adult foot still had a small part … a little toe if you will … still touching the ground … still interfering … still keeping the child from being all she can be … keeping me … keeping her from doing.”

Cierra went quiet. Her mind raced and her eyes darted back and forth as a few more precious seconds ticked away.

“David … how much time do I have left?”

David a bit startled … struggled to find the clock. “Umm … actually … you’ve only got a few …”

“Thanks that’s all I need!” She never got the official count and in reality didn’t want it.

“Terry … Mom,” she turned to her fantasy family matriarch. . “Look … I don’t know if I can … can … lift the anchor or stretch the tether or … or … get that adult little toe up off the ground … but I’d like to try … please … please with whatever little time I have left … can I try … can I try to bring the little girl all the way home … or as close to it as I can? Please … let me try … let me try with everything I have … and see what happens.”

“David … please … please let me try.” She begged for the king’s permission.

Terry looked up at the clock and then at David and then back at the face filled with hope, hope she didn’t want to dash … but in all honesty if she truly cared about her friend, could she encourage it?

“Cierra … I’m not trying to be cruel … neither of us want to be … but the truth of the matter is … you already tried … and … something did happen … we both saw it. You came home … you were living it … or maybe at least as much as you ever can. Honey … I know you want more … you want to DO more, and with all my heart I wish you could … but I’m afraid there isn’t any more for you and trying to get closer … trying to stretch the tether or raise the toe, is only going to frustrate you and hurt you and … well … I know you asked us to not say no … but as your friends and someone you think of as parents … I’m not so sure it would be very responsible of us to agree to allow you to do something that could be so harmful for you.”

“Terry’s right Cierra … I think you’re wanting more than you can have and it’s just going to upset you to try for more. Why not just be happy with what you’ve had and cherish the memory … and … we’ll go get some enchiladas at Joe’s. How’s that sound?”

Cierra closed her eyes and drew in a breath. When she released it … the life in her body seemed to leave her. When she opened her eyes the sparkle had faded and the blue was almost grey. Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

“I … I’m sorry. I … I just wanted to try … to try extra hard ‘cause … ‘cause now I understand … and … and well … I just think I could get there you know. I think if I tried with … with all that I am … that I could make something happen. Look … I know I can’t do magic but maybe I could do something magical. I can’t get rid of the adult … but maybe I could push her so far back that she wouldn’t get in the way of the child … that I could stretch that tether even if I couldn’t break it. And yes … if I tried and I failed … it would hurt … but when this is over it’s going to hurt a whole lot any way. I … I just wanted to try for all there is … all that I could have. That’s all … and I’m sorry if I asked too much or seemed ungrateful. I just wanted to come home and to be me … as much me as I possibly could.”

Cierra dropped her head again. Her hand went to her eyes to wipe tears away as she struggled to find her composure and a brave smile. Terry looked to David who read her thoughts and offered no silent objections.

“Cierra”, Terry started causing her friend to look up quickly … tears and a hint of fear in her eyes.

Terry’s reassuring smile calmed her. “Look … it’s probably not good parenting or good friendship … or good sense, but … if you want to try … to try for something more … then go for it. We’ll give you your last minute and I hope with all your heart you find what you’re looking for.”

Life breathed back into Cierra’s body and eyes. “Oh thank you! Oh thank you! Oh thank you! I promise you won’t be sorry. I just know I can do it. I just know I can!”

Terry giggled as Cierra pounced her for a hug. “Well if you don’t … it certainly won’t be for lack of enthusiasm.”

David sensing an impending lap kitten coming his way, tapped his imaginary wrist watch to let her know the clock was running. Cierra noted the warning and wasted no further time. She stood in the middle of the room taking deep breaths as if she were about to go deep sea diving. When she spoke it was as much to herself as it was the audience.

“Okay … you can do this … you want to do this … just concentrate … open your heart and let it happen. You can lift that little toe if you try.”

Cierra closed her eyes and made her plea. “Please … spirit … God … guardian angel … whomever … whatever … help me … and if no one’s there and I’m just talking to myself … then self listen up. Big girl part of me … I know you’re here and maybe you’ll always be … but if you can’t go away … can you … I don’t know … can you go to sleep for a little bit? For a minute … just a minute … can you let me play without being there … without me knowing you’re there? Can you give me a minute all to myself? Please?”

A few moments of silence passed before a soft … if terribly out of key voice, sang the second verse of Castle on a Cloud.
 
 

"There is a room that's full of toys,  There are a hundred boys and girls.  Nobody shouts or talks too loud,  Not in my castle on a cloud.…"

 
 

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To Be Continued...