A Summer of Changes
by Louise Anne Smithson

Book 4 Chapter 5

Advice from Alison

Shortly before she arrived at the flat, Denise telephoned Alison to confirm that she was on her way.
‘Would it be possible for us to meet outside somewhere, I would rather speak to you alone if that is ok?’ she asked.
‘Don’t worry Denise; there is no-one else here. Sue has gone out on a hot date with some guy she met at a photographic exhibition last week and I am not expecting her back for several hours. You may as well come up and we can share a bottle of wine together.’

Five minutes later she rang the doorbell and Alison invited her inside.

‘So you have at last decided to become a full-time member of the sisterhood,’ said Alison cheerfully as she poured two glasses.

‘How did you know that is what I wanted to talk to you about?’ asked Denise.

‘It was obvious since you were asking about female hormones last week and have just got back from a “dirty weekend” in Brighton with your new boyfriend.’

Denise blushed deeply.

‘It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, but I am seriously considering my future life, although I would rather the matter was not discussed with my workmates for the time being.’

‘Including Sue?’ said Alison.

‘Yes, just for the time being. You are the only person I could think of to discuss my future with. We do not work together nor are we related and you also seem to know something about the subject.’

‘Don’t worry, I promise to keep our conversation a secret. As to my knowing something about the subject, I suppose my work as a rep for a drug company has brought me into contact with some practitioners in the field, although I am hardly an expert’ she replied. ‘I did do a little background reading when I realised that this was the direction in which you were travelling.’

‘Has it been so obvious then?’

Alison smiled, knowingly.

‘Denise, it crossed my mind that this might be the outcome for you during that first weekend that we met back in May. Every time I have seen you since then I have been more convinced that my initial suspicions were right.’

‘Do the others think so as well?’

‘I have not discussed the subject with Sue or with any of your other friends when you were not present; but I can’t see it coming as a great surprise to anyone who has spent some time with you over the last few weeks.’

‘I suppose that is true, but I would still rather that you did not discuss this conversation with anyone else until I am clear in my own mind what I should do.’

‘Alright, then, but before I answer your questions, let me clarify a few points. First of all, are you talking about a sex-change operation or just to stay as you are full-time with the help of some hormones?’

‘I want to be able to live openly, successfully and permanently as a woman. I guess that will ultimately mean surgical intervention.’

‘You are already living quite successfully as a woman, so why do you want to go further?

‘It just feels the right thing for me. I want to carry on living and being accepted as a woman’.

‘You could probably do that without surgical intervention’.

‘Maybe but I hate having to pretend all the time. As far as possible, I want to have a woman’s body, and to experience the emotions of a woman.’

‘Any therapist will ask why you have decided now. Why was it not the right thing for you back in April, or this time last year?’

‘I don’t know exactly why things have come to a head at this time. It is as if once I dressed as a woman for the first time it opened a Pandora’s Box that cannot now be closed,’ she replied. ‘Something suddenly became apparent to me that was previously hidden, and I can never go back to how I was before.’

‘Exactly what was made apparent?’

‘That deep down in my soul I already was a woman, but a mistake had been made in the plumbing or the wiring somewhere along the line and something has caused me to bury this knowledge deep in my sub-conscious.’

‘I see,’ said Alison.

‘When I became Denise it was as if I were seeing the world in colour rather than black and white for the first time,’ continued Denise. ‘At first I told myself it was only temporary and that I could easily revert back to being Denis at any time I chose, but the more time that I spent as Denise the more I became addicted. After Jane’s wedding I wanted so much to continue living as a I was, but I was also frightened because I had enjoyed myself so much and it all felt so right for me. So I forced myself to change back into Denis, and go back to living a dreary life in a dreary room with no friends. However, fortunately fate was on Denise’s side and provided new opportunities for me to live and work as a woman.’

‘If I remember, Sue and I both encouraged you to remain as Denise for a while after the wedding.’

‘I know, and I wanted to agree with you but I also needed to discover for myself how much I preferred my life as a woman. As soon as I started my new job and moved in with Samantha I realised that this was how I was supposed to live my life. I may have maintained the myth with Samantha and my workmates that it will all come to an end in September but once my sister and my mother began to accept me as Denise it became inevitable that I would never go back.’

‘You are sure of that?’

‘I have never been so sure of anything in my life.’

‘So now you want to alter your body to correspond with the image have of yourself in your mind.’

‘I seem to be on the cusp between male and female. I may have the face and body size of a woman but I also have some of the physical attributes of a man. I hate the idea that the hormones I produce will gradually push me into manliness.

‘The Aldactone will slow that process down.’

‘Yes, but that is only part of the answer. I also hate having to wear these false breasts, which have to be removed once a month. It is so demeaning.’

‘That is nothing compared to what genetic women have to go through once a month,’ answered Alison a little acidly.

‘I know that, but I would be more than happy to accept all the inconveniences and disadvantages of being a woman in return for some of the advantages.’

‘And what are they?’ asked Alison, as if she did not know.

‘I suppose the ability to follow a gentler, friendly and caring lifestyle; not having to be so competitive and aggressive; the ability to have children.’

‘Some of those may be achievable for you, but the last never will.’

‘I know that. There is also the ability to look nice and to have fun experimenting with clothes, makeup hair styles etc, and the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and have them treat you well.'

‘I thought you said that this has got nothing to do with John and your recent trip to Brighton.’

‘Only in so far as it has helped to clear my mind, and reinforce my belief that I should have been a woman in the first place. I have had a good time this weekend playing at being the courtesan, but I am not in love with him and have told him so.

‘So what is your sexual orientation?’ asked Alison.

‘Utterly confused,’ answered Denise with a rueful laugh. ‘I do not know whether I am homosexual or heterosexual because I do not know where I am starting from. As a young man my behaviour was largely asexual, but I always enjoyed the company of women, and that is why I found my work to be so congenial. However, I do not know whether it was because I was attracted to women or subconsciously wanted to be one.’

‘But how have you felt since you have been living as a woman?

‘I enjoyed flirting with the lads when we went out clubbing together on my birthday. I also enjoyed the physical intimacy of having sex with John, but cannot say the earth moved for me. Having a boyfriend certainly adds an extra dimension to one’s life as a woman, but it is only “the icing on the cake”. My wish to live my life as Denise is far more fundamental than that.’

Alison for once looked very serious and the tone of her voice changed.

‘Be careful Denise, you may have perfected the art of putting on makeup doing your hair and flirting in front of the lads, but in many respects you are still very much a novice as a woman. OK so you may be able to flutter your eyelashes and have some guy eating out of your hand, but you need to make sure that you do not both get hurt in the process.’

Denise blushed.

‘I quite like John and think he has grown in confidence since we started going out together. But I have made it clear to him, that it is just a summer romance, and have been trying to keep everything under control.’

‘Again I warn you to be careful. You, above all, should know that guys are not always as tough as they think they are. Beautiful women, like you, have a lot of power: the respectable ones will use it responsibly. I think it was Kipling who described power without responsibility, as “the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages,”’ said Alison.

Denise looked towards the floor.

‘I will do my best to let him down gently when the time comes.’

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Alison remained silent for a while. Denise continued to feel a little guilty about her weekend, but was still convinced about her future. At last Alison spoke.

‘From what I have seen and heard from you over the last few weeks I am convinced that you are doing the right thing, but my opinion does not matter. In order for you to proceed any further you will first have to convince a psychiatrist that you are genuinely suffering from gender dysphoria, and there will be no long term regrets once you start to make irreversible changes to your body. To be honest, I can’t see him or her being convinced by a desire to make such a fundamental change to your life that is based on only three months.’

‘I have been reading a great deal on the subject on the Internet over the last few weeks, and I think I realise what will be expected of me. I will tell the psychiatrist that I have felt as if I should have been a woman for as long as I remember, but I was frightened of how my family and friends would react, if ever I admitted it to them.’

‘So in that case, how will you explain your reasons for taking this action now?’ asked Alison.

‘I will say that my job and my new flat have proved to me that I can successfully live and work as a woman and I have also now dealt with my fears of telling my mother and my sister,’ answered Denise.

‘That will certainly count in your favour,’ said Alison. ‘Will you mention that you have a boyfriend?’

‘I won’t volunteer the information but will tell the truth if I am asked. However, I do not want the psychiatrist to think that I am wishing to change sex as a means of improving my sex-life.”

Alison smiled, and looked carefully at the young woman sitting opposite her.

‘I suppose you do have the enormous advantage of presenting as a convincing young woman already, and you would not need to undergo masses of plastic surgery, speech therapy or facial hair removal procedures, as long as you can begin your transition soon.’

‘Exactly, that is why I need to start on hormone therapy as soon as I can, in case puberty sets in and I start becoming more like a man and need to shave each morning.’

‘It is odd the puberty has not really had much effect on you as yet. Have you considered the possibility that you are intersex,’ said Alison.

‘Yes, I looked it up on the Internet and got the impression that I would have started growing my own breasts by now, if I had been intersex,’ replied Denise.

‘I don’t really know enough about the subject; that is something for the doctors to discover. However, if you do prove to be intersex then it should not be difficult to convince a psychiatrist to accept you as a patient and recommend you for corrective surgery on the National Health.’

‘Assuming you do not prove to be intersex, how will you pay for the treatment, once you are accepted as a patient?’

‘I have around  £2,500 in savings, and am due for a  £1,000 bonus at the end of September.’

‘Two thousand pounds will just about pay for your initial consultations and the hormones as a private patient, you will ultimately need to find about five times that sum if you have an operation and breast enhancement. You could ask to be accepted as a National Health Service patient, but then you would have to go on a long waiting list.’

‘Now that I have made my mind up I want to proceed as quickly as possible. Maybe I could get a part-time job in the evenings or at weekends to earn some more money.’

‘With your looks you would not find it difficult to get a job in a bar or a club, but keep away from anything that might be deemed as related to the sex trade.’

Denise smiled.

‘Don’t worry, I have no intention of selling my body, I just want to live as a normal decent woman and be recognised as such.’

‘You will also need to change your name on various official documents and open a bank account as Denise. Do you have a passport and driving licence?’ asked Alison.

‘No, not yet, I only have a national insurance number and a bank account as Denis.’

‘In that case as soon as you have been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist as Gender Dysphoric you will need to go ahead and legally change your name to Denise. You can then start to collect official documentation and start to build your identity as a woman. Unfortunately you will not be able to change your birth certificate, but when you can prove that you have successfully lived as a woman for two years full-time you should be able to get a Gender Recognition Certificate, and then you will be recognised as a woman, for all official purposes.’

‘That would be nice, but I have never heard of a Gender Recognition Certificate,’ said Denise.

‘I am not surprised; the law only came into operation earlier this month.’

‘So can you put me in touch with a therapist, Alison?’

‘There is a private clinic not far from where you work. They will give you an initial consultation without charge, but after that they are very pricey and it will be up to the psychiatrist to decide how many sessions you require before he refers you to an endocrinologist. However, they are quite fair and if you are honest about your financial situation from the outset they may be willing to reduce their fee or let you pay over an extended time.’

She wrote down an address, telephone number and web site on a slip of paper and handed it to Denise.

‘Think very carefully before you go any further and do some more homework. There is a mass of advice available on the Internet these days.’

‘Alright, I will do so, but I am sure this is the right thing for me.’

‘In that case, good luck, and I have something for you.’

She handed over a small paper bag.

‘It is another month’s supply of Aldactone, just in case it takes you a little time to get an appointment. Have you noticed any side effects of taking them?’

‘No, nothing that I am aware of

‘You must promise not to tell anyone where you got them from or I could get into serious trouble and perhaps lose my job. Also you should stop taking them as soon as you receive the appointment with the endocrinologist so that they will no longer be in your system when he tests you.’

‘Thanks Alison, you have been a good friend to me,’ said Denise giving her a hug. ‘Now tell me all the details about Sue’s new boyfriend. Where did she meet him? What does he look like?’

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Sue was clearly having a good time on her date, as by the time Denise left at 11.00pm and made her way home, there was still no sign of her.