The Ex-Men

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Gli Uomini Ex
(The Ex-Men)


On a well deserved vacation off the coast of Malta, passengers manned a yacht headed for Sardinia and port at Caligiari, which would have been ironic if it weren't so devastating to the group of mutants known as the X-Men. On board were five of the original mutants and their mentor, Professor Charles Xavier. As the boat drew within eighty miles of the island, a mist began to fall on the group as they enjoyed the brisk Brezza di Mare Mediterrana (Mediterranean breeze.) The mist began to thicken into a fog which quickly surrounded the yacht.

Note: Translations included in new version...less confusing? Perhaps! Graci Lynceus

"Quite an odd manifestation, wouldn't you say, Charles?"

Hank McCoy called from his vantage point at the helm. Professor X was sitting aft and enjoying a cup of tea with Jean Grey. As the fog drifted over the prow, Bobby fell onto the deck unconcious, quickly followed by Scott and Warren. Hank tried to steer the boat clear of the fog and had almost brought the yacht out when he too fell victim to the misty cover surrounding the boat.

After a few moments, none of the group remained conscious. It was fortuitous that all fell asleep, as the changes they were about to undergo would have been unbearably painful.
A few hours later, a redhaired woman rose from the aft passenger area and surveyed the scene.

"Che cazzo ᨠsuccesso?" (WTF?) Jean Grey would normally have discerned the events of the past several hours but for the throbbing in her head; a pain like no migraine she had ever expererienced.

"Oh Dio, fa male?!" She nearly screamed, surprising her companions, who were only then just awakening themselves. She put her hand to her forehead, as if to staunch the pain.

"Perché sto parlando Italiano?" (Why am I speaking Italian) A reasonable question, since even with her knowledge and experience she had never conversed in Italian before.

"Sᬠperché sei di lingua Italiana?" Bobby said as he rose...or rather as she rose, for standing on the deck was a very attractive young woman, albeit in the same usual frigid form of Iceman. She looked down at her body, forgetting that she was speaking Italian.

"Che cazzo ᨠsuccesso?" She screamed as her hand absentmindedly went to her right breast. Warren looked at her as he lifted himself off the deck, only to grow dizzy.

"Attenzione!" Bobby said as her hands reached out to break Warren's fall.

"Jean, cosa ᨠsuccesso? Non riesco a discernere ciᲠche ᨠavvenuto?" (What happened?) Professor X asked as she sat up in her wheel chair. Jean looked over at her mentor and shook her head. She had to will herself to speak, not in Italian, but in the English everyone understood.

"We seem to be ...well you seem have been transformed." She pointed to Scott, who only just then was sitting up, feeling weak and off balance from the added weight of two gorgeous breasts.

"Questo non puá² accadere!" Bobby cried as she looked at her reflection in the helm windscreen.

"Like it or not, dear friend, it did happen. The thing to determine is why and is it...permanent?" Professor X had drawn from Jean's mental defenses to reverse at least the compulsion to speak Italian!

"Credo che fosse la nebbia," Warren said, shaking her head.

"Of course it was the fog, you imbecile...Trust a blond!" Hank by now was able to assimilate and translate the Italian, being a linguist and gourmand of epic proportions.

"E 'stato cosᬠcrudele!" Warren said as she burst into tears. Hank was never mean, and certainly this was a time to come together and not be critical.

"We must try to make the best of things," Jean said. She smiled at Scott, finding herself strangely but wonderfully attracted to her erstwhile boyfriend.

"Yes, Jean." Professor X agreed.

"First thing...are there any extra uniforms on board?" She looked around at the team of mutants, most of whom were still somewhat enamored with their new appearance.

"Di professore del corso. Abbiamo sempre portare un apporto extra!" Of course! Bobby remarked as she touched her cheek with a soft caress.

"Well, we should at least change clothing, shouldn't we?" Hank called from the helm. "My pants seem be falling down and my shirt is ripped!"

"Le mie scarpe ponte sono troppo grandi!" (My shoes are too big for me!) Scott said as her shoe fell off when she took a step.

"Okay...everyone below decks. Go to your cabin and report back here in twenty minutes." Professor X said as she wheeled her chair close to the cabin door.

"Well, it seems that the fog originated from a lab on an isle off the coast of Malta, as far as we've been able to determine." Hank shook her head. The lab was experimenting on blood samples from donors in Valetta, and it seems they have been able to manipulate chromosomes. We've been changed, other than Jean here as our Y chromosome has mutated to an X, effectively changing us from men to women.

"Mi piace il mio seno!" Bobby said as she once again absentmindedly caressed her breasts.

"Stop that and pay attention." Jean said.

"Questo spandex rendere il mio sguardo posteriore di grandi dimensioni?" (Do you think this spandex makes my rear look big?)Warren said as she glanced over her shoulder at her rear.

"Penso che il tuo looks wonderful," Jean said as she stared at Warren's behind.

"But we have to figure out what to do!" Scott said as she gazed at her long brown tresses reflected in the hatch window. By now most of the group was able to speak English. Bobby for some reason preferred to continue to speak Italian.

"Voglio comprare vestiti e scarpe!" (I want to shop for clothes and shoes )She mewled as she looked at her companions.

"Dovremmo avere nomi nuovi!"

"There will be plenty of time for shopping, I'm afraid, as this condition seems to be permanent." Hank said as she shook her head once again.

"Si...rather, yes, Bobbi, new names seem appropriate if perhaps a bit unnerving. I've always wondered what it would be like...." Warren smiled as she realized what she had said. Her face grew crimson, which set off her long blond locks magnificently.

"So, what will our names be?" Scott asked without turning from her reflection.

" seems we have been drawn here...for a reason... uno scopo preordinato!" Jean said.

"This actually happened for a purpose?" Professor X asked. She felt feeling returning to her legs, long dormant and useless. Standing up, she pointed her toe on the deck and did a half spin, admiring the turn of her ankle.

"I shall be Professa Ilustre...Il tuo mentore Carolina Xavieria." She smiled at the clever connection between Xavier and her brilliance.

"Glacia! Il mio nome ᨠRoberta Dragone e l'amore per comprare i vestiti bello!" (Glacia..the ice woman who likes to buy nice dresses!)

"Bestia," Hank said with a grin...might as well stick with a winner. And I believe my name will be Dottore Richetta Fiore! Nice ring to it, don't you agree?"

"Angelica?" Jean looked at Warren who nodded." Her wings spread and grew and she looked more like an angel than ever before!

"Si...Willa Fortunato, un angello bellisimo!" She piroutted and looked down almost in a coquettish way.

"That just leaves you and me." Jean walked over to her now girlfriend and drew her close. Scott pulled back and shook her head.

"Mi dispiace tanto ... io non sono un uomo piá¹." She wiped the tears from her eyes and cast her face down, too ashamed to look at Jean.

"Visione! I don't care if you're not a man any longer," Jean said as she kissed her girlfriend."

"Che ᨠcosᬠdolce," (Oh how sweet) Bobbi said as she brushed a tear from her own cheek. Willa and Carolina and Richetta all nodded in approval.

"Mi sweet dear Allesandra D'Estate...mi amore!" Jean leaned close again and kissed Allesandra.

"And as for me? I shall be Mirabile...Marvel Girl, Giana Cavallo to you, my dear sweet Allesandra." She pressed against her girlfriend once again, evoking a sigh from Allesandra and an unfamiliar but not uncomfortable growing sensation down below.

"Che cosa ᨠquesto? Qualcosa di nuovo?" (Something new?) Giana felt herself grow and push against her lover, who simply stated,

"Sei meraviglioso, molto meraviglioso!" (Marvelous! Very marvelous) Giana kissed her lover again and again as the girls looked on in amazement and envy.

"Dio ci benedica tutti!" Bobbi giggled as she kissed Willa.

"Dio ci benedica tutti!" (Think Charles Dickens!)


The X-Men as written in the story above is the original version written by Stan Lee and illustrated by Jack Kirby as told in X-Men #1, 1963. This particular Ret-Con is my vision and mine alone, standing for Return to Confusion, which is a non-copyrighted inclination of Andrea Lena DiMaggio, and as such is up for grabs!

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This story is 1512 words long.