Joan begins to wonder if she’s turning gay. Sam has some serious relationship questions as well. Joan’s cousin pays a visit. The young lovers make up one more time…

Chapter 16

Time

I awoke early on Sunday morning. I was beginning to get used to the hardness of the floor. I felt somewhat refreshed, yet anxious as well. The anxiety bothered me, cause I wasn’t sure just what I was anxious about. The memories of yesterday came flooding back to me. Sam’s (typical) asinine behavior, Darla’s cruel joke, and Fred’s, what about Fred? I found myself wishing that I’d gotten his phone number as well. I wasn’t too shy about calling him up and finding out just what in hell was going on. I’d have to get what information I could from Darla.

I went upstairs and showered up. The worries of last night began to fade slightly. I wondered how long Mom and Aunt Mel were going to sleep. I became annoyed with myself for not moving the bulk of my clothes downstairs as well. I had nothing clean to put on. I emptied out the hamper and put in a load of wash. While the machine was "cooking," I donned my dirty clothes and made my way to Belle’s Bakery. I’d been spending money lately like they were going to stop printing it soon. The store was relatively empty this early in the day. Belle herself waited on me and as I gave her my order, she stared at me curiously.

I could tell that she didn’t recognize me, but the tone of my voice and my standard order of a small cheesecake and some donuts put her mind in overdrive. I wasn’t in the mood to explain things to her. As I left the store with my packages, she continued staring at me with a quizzical look glued to her face. I’m not sure why, but it made me smile. I actually found myself whistling on the way home. I began to unconsciously swing the boxes of goodies to and fro. I caught myself before I did any damage to the contents.

What was I going to do about Sam? What were these strange feelings I was having for Fred? I felt angry and guilty simultaneously. I arrived back home, let the dog in, put the clothes in the dryer, and sat down to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It was just eight o’clock in the morning. While I sat at the table lost in thought Aunt Melissa came staggering into the kitchen. "What’s going on here?" She asked as she eyed me with my cigarette and coffee. I decided not to address her question if at all possible. She took a seat and I brought her a cup of coffee. I continued on as if all were normal.

She didn’t refuse the cheesecake when I offered it to her. "Ah! Belle’s cheesecake! I didn’t even realize how much I missed this little slice of heaven." Thankfully, she seemed to accept the situation and I just smiled at her. While she was lost in the confection, the dryer buzzer started going off and I ran downstairs to remove the clothes and put another load in. It seemed like my entire life was spent doing chores of one kind or another.

"Does your mother know you smoke?" She asked at last. I thought about going into combat mode with her, but in the end I decided on another tack entirely.

"Would you like one?" I asked and extended the pack to her. She shook her head from side to side and smiled at me, finally accepting my offer. I was grateful for her attitude, I hated sneaking around doing anything. I was still locked in conflict over having kissed a boy. There was no one else I could discuss it with. Well, maybe Aunt Vivian, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted to mention it to her either. "Aunt Melissa, can I ask you something?" I gathered up the courage to say.

"You can ask me anything at all sweetheart," she said as we sat there drinking coffee and smoking.

"This will stay just between us?" I watched her face carefully waiting for her reply. Her voice and expression oozed sincerity as she assured me that she’d not tell a soul. I began relaying the events of last evening. It was easier to tell than I thought it would be. However, I had a difficult time explaining, understanding, my own role in the matter. "I kissed a boy last night. Do you think I’m turning gay?" I blurted out at last. I’m not sure why, but I found that thought more disturbing than any other I could possibly think of.

I knew had I asked Aunt Vivian this question she’d have thrown it right back at me. I could almost hear her retort: "Do you think you are?" I’d been down this road at least a dozen times since the "kiss" had transpired last evening. I guess if I was a genetic boy attracted to other boys there was no getting around it: I was gay. Still, part of me rejected my basic premise. I wasn’t really a boy after all, was I? And though I’d been glib about it in the past, what did that make me now, a lesbian? I wasn’t exactly crying, but tears started rolling silently down my cheeks.

"Sweetheart, I think you’re one of the loveliest people it’s ever been my pleasure to know. The fact that you’re my niece is just an added bonus." She made her statement with conviction. It wasn’t like she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. "Give yourself time to find out who you are. You’re only fourteen. Up until last night you’d never thought about boys that way before, had you?"

I had to agree that I hadn’t. That didn’t change the fact that I was thoroughly confused about what I was feeling now. I knew in my heart that I truly loved Sam. He just seemed like a baby in so many ways. I found myself laughing out loud as I thought that girls don’t always grow up faster than boys do. Then again, who was the girl, and who was the boy? I just wished all this confusion would end and I could go about peacefully living my life.

Aunt Mel couldn’t have handled the situation better. She was both understanding and comforting. How had she gotten so wise? My stomach finally stopped churning. I was finally able to eat something. Half a donut though was all I could handle. It seemed overpoweringly heavy and sweet. I felt at ease for the first time in awhile. I thanked Aunt Melissa for listening to me and reminded her of her promise not to tell anyone about what we’d discussed. The twinkle in her eyes told me that my story was safe with her.

"I just wish you didn’t live so far away," I sighed. She smiled at me and told me cryptically that things change. I was so tempted to press the issue but, the look on her face told me to drop it. "What would you like to do today?" I asked.

"Well, Melissa and Dan should be here by five. What say you take your poor old Auntie to the beach? The last time we went together you didn’t come much above my knee and you were carrying a little plastic pail and shovel!" She laughed.

"What about Mom?" I had to ask.

"Leave her sleep. The poor thing didn’t get to bed till after three. If she’s still sleeping when we get back, we’ll wake her up!"

I was excited to be going to the beach with Aunt Mel. I put on my new blue on blue suit and slid my breast forms into the cups sadly. Were my boobs ever going to start growing? Aunt Melissa met me in the front hallway. She laughed and made a derisive comment about "how I’d grown." I laughed with her, gathered up one of the spare beach passes and we were off.

"You really do make a fine looking young lady," she said matter of factly. I had to restrain myself from punching her on the shoulder. Old habits die hard. The day was a brilliant one. It wasn’t quite ten o’clock yet the beach was filling up rapidly. We perched midway between the ocean and the boardwalk and began applying lotion to each other’s unreachable areas.

"I really do love it here," she said. "The ocean’s not quite as blue as it is back home, but it’s close enough. Tell me, what other bad habits have you acquired along the way?" She asked out of nowhere. My mind sped rapidly over things that would be considered inappropriate for one of my tender age; drinking and sex came in at the top of the list. I remained silent and she let the topic pass.

I laid on my back to get a tan and take a nap, closed my eyes and began to drift off. I was awakened with a start by Sam’s unmistakable voice. "I saw you last night," he said accusingly, totally ignoring Aunt Melissa’s presence.

"I saw you too," I threw right back at him. "Well, you’re here, I guess you didn’t get arrested," I added sarcastically. I wanted to ask him just why he was hanging out with those creeps. What could possibly be the attraction? Why hadn’t he called me? It seemed like Saturdays were now boys’ nights out. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. We’d been doing this dance a bit too much lately.

"Come walk with me," he begged. After all the hard feelings that had taken place the last time I’d refused, I slowly got up from the blanket.

"Aunt Melissa, do you mind?" I asked politely.

"Go ahead children. I know my way home if need be."

I stood myself up and Sam reached for my hand. I instinctively pulled it away. He tried again with the same result. "Let’s just walk," I said kindly. We strolled along the heavily compacted sand. An occasional wave struck our feet. We paid no notice.
"I have something to tell you," he said seriously. I had something to tell him too, but I wasn’t so sure that I was going to. "I kissed a boy last night," he said and began weeping copiously. Suddenly the shoe was on the other foot. Given that I’d done exactly the same thing, I shouldn’t have been so upset, but I was. What the hell was happening to us"

"Who was it? Is he gay?" He actually managed to laugh at that. Somehow his laughter made me feel even more uneasy. I began to dread where this was going. "It was Billy, wasn’t it?" I asked him knowing in my heart that it was, wishing for all I was worth that I was wrong. If it had been no big deal, I couldn’t even see him mentioning it to me. I began to feel sick. I sat down on the wet sand and put my head between my knees. His silence was all the answer that I needed. He didn’t love me for who I was. He was into boys after all. I found myself sobbing before I even realized what was happening. My stomach burst into a fit of dry heaves.

Finally, I managed to gather control of myself and asked him, "Who kissed whom?" I sat there dreading the answer. Did I really want to know? Was it even important. Why was he even telling me all this? "I thought you loved me?" I sobbed and found myself staring down at the wedding bands on our hands.

"Joan, we were just all fooling around and one of the guys bet Billy that he wouldn’t kiss me. You see, no one else knows that I’m not really a boy." So there it was. Sam was asserting his femininity at last? I felt a part of me die. Would I even be in this position if it weren’t for Sam? I knew I was being unfair in that regard. Still, for the moment everything seemed hopeless. "I’m so sorry sweetheart," he said and attempted to put his arm around me. I wanted to tell him about Fred, but I didn’t want it to seem I was trying to one-up him. I just wanted to let him know. Yet, I knew that any mention of Fred would be the death knell for our relationship. If indeed we did have any future together at this point.

"It’s you that I love, Joan. I’m not interested in anyone else." Should I press the issue? If what he’d just said were true, why did he bother telling me at all? I decided that I wasn’t going to hide either. If there was pain to be felt, I’d share the wealth. Circumstances be damned.

"Sam, I hope you don’t think what I’m about to tell you is by way of retaliation? You see, I kissed a boy last night as well." He seemed totally unprepared for this. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything? A look of anger swept over him.

"You’ve had me here all bent out of shape and you’ve been unfaithful to me?" He asked incredulously. He had to have a y chromosome hiding within him somewhere. How could he be so stupid?

"Sam, there were no bets made. I didn’t initiate the kiss, but I didn’t stop it either. I’m so sorry," I wailed. Rather then jumping up and running away as I’d expected, he hugged me tight. "Maybe we’re just too young to be committing to one another?" I stated as a question. I was tiring of this roller coaster ride. I just wanted to live my life on some kind of even keel.

And what about Fred? What was his role, his goal in all of this? Had he simply made a bet with Darla that he could get my phone number? What scared me most was that I wasn’t repulsed at having kissed a boy. It couldn’t be the hormones, could it? I put such thoughts away as being absurd or at best, wishful thinking. So, where did we go now? My relationship with Sam had changed drastically over the last few months. Had we been better off the way things were before we became romantically involved? I knew in my heart that there was no going back.

We couldn’t simply perform some secret handshake and go back to being best friends; too many things had changed. "I do love you Sam. Not saying that with any equivocation. I want us to be together always. At the foundation of any successful relationship is trust and open lines of communication. How do I know that? I just do." My world began to settle. I felt a tad nervous just knowing at the drop of a hat it could all just as easily fall apart. "Promise me that we’ll always be together," I said solemnly.

He hugged me tighter still. I’d been so afraid that he was just going to run away. I found my anger for Billy growing. I knew however, that it "takes two to tango." For some reason, I felt sure of myself and of Sam. I nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder and he continued to hold me. He grabbed my head in his hands and kissed me with a burning passion. It was the perfect kiss. Our previous doubts evaporated with the surf.

I guess in a way we were just two kids "playing" at love. Though I refused to believe it at the time and would have bet my life against it, the reality was that we were just past our fourteenth birthdays. Was it simply too much? Were Sam and I promising each other too much too soon? In the final analysis, I simply couldn’t imagine my life without Sam in it. The possibility of that happening sent chills down my spine. I could tell by his demeanor that he was finally at peace. Knowing that alone helped calm me down. I hated to admit that I was so dependent on another person. I found myself thinking that if my own father could desert me, then anybody could.

Sam and I walked back to where we’d left Aunt Melissa laying on the blanket. She was still there. I smiled at her as we approached. I just knew that she wouldn’t leave me there all alone. I ran up to her and hugged her tight. She seemed a bit disconcerted at my show of affection. If I could put words into her mouth the one that sprang to mind was: "kids." I wasn’t sure exactly how, but I was gaining more from her visit than I’d ever thought possible.

"Did you two have a nice walk?" She asked knowingly. We both gave her a gapped tooth grin by way of reply. "I’m glad that’s all settled then. What say I buy you two lunch?" There was no need to ask Sam twice, at the mention of food he was off and running.

"Say Joan, I owe you a steak dinner," Sam said remembering his smash over the center field wall yesterday. Had that just been yesterday?

"Just let me know when and I’m there," I replied. Aunt Mel smiled at our easy banter. When asked for a suggested eatery, Sam was determined to get his sausage sandwich. We sat at one of the open tables facing the boardwalk and ate a leisurely lunch. Finally, it was time to be heading home. My cousin and her beau would be arriving in just awhile. I hoped that Mom had awakened at some point?

We walked in to a smell of turkey roasting in the oven. This was a strange summertime dish, but not an unwelcome one. "Sam, why don’t you go home and ask your mother if she’d like to join us for dinner? I assume you’ll be here?" Mom asked and laughed. Sam blushed slightly at her comment.

"I’ll be right back," he said and made for his own house.

"Joan, some young man named Fred called while you were gone. Do you know him?" I felt my feet freeze to the floor. I began to stammer as I considered an answer.

"Did you get his phone number?" was the best I could come up with before I was rendered speechless. Mom laughed knowingly and told me that indeed she had and had promised him that I’d call him back before the evening was through. What could I possibly say to Fred? Why had he even bothered to call? Was the "joke" still on? There was no way I was talking to Fred until I spoke to Darla first. I excused myself and made my way upstairs to give her a call.

"Darla?" I asked as I heard the phone picked up. "What was that all about last night?" I asked and waited for a reply. I was greeted by stone cold silence on the other end. I waited. I could wait just as long as she could. Hell, I could wait longer if need be.

"Fred told me that you kissed him. Is it true?" What possible difference could it make to her if I had indeed kissed him?

"Yes, it’s true. So what?" I was getting annoyed. "What was the nature of this obvious set-up?" I followed. "Why in my moment of weakness would you send someone out after me in that way? I thought you were my friend?" I’d said my piece, there was nothing else to do but wait for her to reply. The seconds passed by slowly. "Darla?"

"He bet me that he could get your phone number," she blurted out at last. "You cost me five dollars." So, both Sam and I had been the victims of someone’s gamble. Sadly, we were both foolish enough to play along.

"Why, Darla, why?" I asked as I began to lose control. Were relationships always this difficult? Shouldn’t you just be able to trust someone implicitly? Did you always have to keep your guard up? I felt so damned sad.

"I’m sorry Joan. The whole thing was stupid. Still, Fred did like the way you played and sang. He told me that he’d love for you to be in his new band." Despite what had happened, the thought of getting together with some others to make music was appealing. Could I forget the circumstances that brought us together?

I’m still not sure why I forgave her indiscretion. I guess I was too wrapped up in the possibility of joining a "real" band. It was time I developed some interests of my own that weren’t money driven. I knew it would be a really bad idea to tell Sam that Fred was the one that had kissed me. Before Fred and I met again, some ground rules would have to be set in place. I wrapped up the phone call with Darla and told her that I’d call her tomorrow. Sam was coming back over just as I came down the stairs.

"Mom will be over in a few minutes," Sam announced as he made his way into the kitchen. So, there would be seven of us for dinner. I couldn’t remember seven of us ever sitting together at the table. Besides, the table only accommodated six. Mom and Aunt Melissa were busily preparing dinner. Sam and I began setting the table. I brought an extra chair in from the kitchen figuring that he and I could double up somehow.

Moments later, the front doorbell rang. It could only be cousin Melissa and her betrothed. I hesitated for a second before rushing to the front door. I was certain to get a repeat of last Thursday. Cousin Melissa, however, totally surprised me. She beamed at me and gave me a bone crushing hug. "Joan! You look fantastic," she said upon finally releasing me. Her greeting made me happier than I had any right to feel.

Dan, a few inches shorter than Sam himself was a handsome figure of a man. Sam seemed to stand just a wee bit straighter in his presence. Was there some unseen pissing contest going on here? I laughed at the silliness of it all. "Dan, this is my cousin Joan," Melissa said by way of introduction. I felt stupid about the whole thing. Obviously Aunt Melissa had explained everything to her before their arrival. "And you are?" She asked motioning towards Sam.

"Sam Peters" he replied. At this, a genuine gasp came from Melissa. She’d met Sam enough times to know who he was. "Hi Melissa," he said, "and you must be Dan?" Introductions made, I showed them into the dining room.

"I hope you two are hungry?" I asked.

"Er, I don’t know about anyone else, but I sure could use a drink." This from Dan. Sam decided to play host.

"Is a gin and tonic, OK?" he asked him.

"Sounds perfect to me." Sam went into the kitchen and made a pitcher full of them. He filled up all the rocks glasses with ice and began pouring the magic elixir. Without hesitation, he poured one for himself. He went to fill my glass, but I covered it with my hand before he could do so. I didn’t want to become tipsy among this crowd.

With festivities that rivaled a Thanksgiving dinner, the evening got underway. While everyone got in each other’s way in the kitchen I went out back with soda in hand and sat down to pet Shandy. I guessed there would be time for me to have one cigarette. For some reason, I felt that I needed it. Shandy was in playful mode and chased the tennis ball each and every time I tossed it to the farthest points of the yard. Mom always seemed happiest when the house was filled with people. Tonight was no exception. I finished my smoke in private, gave the dog a big hug and made my way back inside.

I took my place at the table scrunched up next to Sam and decided that everyone could wait on me for a change. In no time at all plates and bowls were being passed around the table. "Joan, I’ve got a bit of a problem," Cousin Melissa began. I looked at her expectantly and decided to wait her out. "Dan is short an usher for the wedding, I had been wondering if you could help out…" her voice trailed off. My face turned three shades of crimson. How could she even ask me that? Before I could utter a rejection, Sam interrupted me.

"I’d be happy to fill in, if you like?" he offered. My heart rate began to slow to normal range. I wrapped both arms around Sam’s own right and hugged him tight. I would have felt ridiculous, a fraud, attending her wedding wearing a tuxedo. I gazed up at Sam with stars in my eyes.

"Er, that would be wonderful Sammmm," Melissa began. Once again a member of my mother’s family was tempted to call my sweetheart "Samantha." Everyone began talking at once and it seemed that the matter was settled. I was beyond glad. I’d been planning on wearing my new pink dress to her wedding. Dinner passed without further incident. Aunt Melissa began staring at me when it was completed. I think she was trying to tell me in her own silent way that since I’d done nothing with regard to preparations, I should do the clean-up. When I rose and began clearing away the plates, she made no further look in my direction. I guessed that I was right on target.

Sam helped clear everything away. "I have to go to the bathroom" I lied and disappeared upstairs. I took out Fred’s number and found myself staring at the digits absentmindedly. Could I call him? What would I say? The possibility of joining a band overrode my feelings of trepidation.

"Fred, is that you?" I asked upon hearing someone pick up.

"Joan?" he asked.

"Ah, you remember! I believe you wanted to talk about the possibility of forming a band?" I asked seriously.

"Well, I certainly would love to discuss the possibility of us getting together," he replied. I cut him off immediately. That wasn’t going to happen.

"I’m sorry Fred, if that’s all you’re interested in, I’m sorry." I made my statement in total seriousness and with a certain finality.

"Now hold on a second sweetheart," he began.

"Fred, I’m not your sweetheart. Please don’t ever address me that way again." Hopefully, he was finally beginning to get the message. "So, what do you say? Would you like to get together and see what kind of music we could make together? And, I mean music, no funny business. In fact, you’ll have to promise me now that what happened last night was a one time thing and will never happen again. Deal, or no deal?" I asked and laughed.

The phone remained silent for just a bit too long. "Fred?" I asked again.

"You know Joan, this all started out as kind of a joke," he started. "Still, the idea has possibilities. Why don’t you come over Wednesday evening and we’ll see if you and I have any musical chemistry between us?" He gave me directions to his house. He lived about a mile away. It’s funny, but I’d never seen him around school before. Perhaps he was older than he looked? I guessed I’d find all that out on Wednesday evening.

"I’ll see you at 7:30 on Wednesday evening," I said and bade him goodbye. I made a quick trip to the little girl’s room and headed back downstairs. Sam was working like he was getting paid by the piece. My hero!

"Dan and Melissa want to know if we’d like to take a walk on the boardwalk with them. I told them I’d have to check with you," he said deferentially. I smiled at him, squeezed his hand and told him that would be just perfect. We said our goodbyes to the adults and walked the few blocks to my favorite place on earth. We climbed the ramp and began walking four abreast with Sam and Dan on the outer perimeter.

"So, how long have you known?" Melissa asked me. I didn’t need to ask for clarification. I knew she was talking about "Joan." I found myself wanting to reply "my whole life," but I wasn’t sure that would be an honest answer. In the end, upon reflection, I told her that Joan had always been a part of me. She smiled at me and squeezed my hand. "Who wants to ride the roller coaster?" she asked. Sam and I both attempted to beg off. "Come on you two, don’t be party poopers! My treat!" Money was part of it, but I really didn’t feel like riding the rides. Still, I saw Melissa so rarely and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen her during the summer. Soon the four of us found ourselves waiting in line for the ride to begin.

While waiting, Melissa asked if Sam and I had beaten them to the altar. I looked at her quizzically and she motioned to our wedding bands. "Your rings really are beautiful," she said. "I wish Dan and I had picked those out. I hope you two are using protection." I smiled knowingly at her and made no reply of any kind. For some reason her last comment struck me as being rather rude.

Dan seemed like a nice enough guy. A bit too quiet for my tastes though. Melissa seemed to lead him around by some invisible string attached to an equally invisible ring in his nose. He didn’t seem to mind it at all. He was a stockbroker with Merril Lynch. Melissa also was an account executive. It was a match made in financial heaven. She was only nine years older than us, but it seemed like a definite generation gap existed.

Melissa laughed and screamed throughout the entire ride. Her gaiety was infectious. Sam and I began laughing too. The best that Dan could muster was a smile. For someone so young, he seemed a bit too serious. "I’ve never been part of a wedding party before," Sam informed them. "You’ll have to tell me what to do."

"It’s really quite simple Sam," Melissa replied. "All you have to do is show up wearing a tuxedo and look handsome." Dan laughed aloud as if that was the funniest thing that he’d ever heard. I began to wonder about that guy. Sam and I did our best to chuckle along, not wanting to offend anyone. "Have you got a dress to wear to the wedding Joan? I assume you do intend to wear a dress?" I laughed aloud and told her I did in fact have the perfect wedding attire, but that she needn’t worry. I had no plans of looking prettier than the bride on her wedding day. She smiled and punched me in the shoulder; a bit too hard for my tastes. Maybe she thought I was being serious?

We walked around for a few hours. Melissa treated us all to a few more rides. I broke open my purse and bought us all ice cream. Overall, it had been a very pleasant evening. We got back home and the dining room was filled with smoke. No, the house wasn’t on fire. Just three ladies in their late thirties wrecking their lungs in concert. I put one fan in the living room window, and one blowing out in the dining room window and the air slowly began to clear. There were two empty gin bottles sitting in the middle of the table. The ladies had clearly been at it.

Sam and I went out back and sat quietly at the picnic table for a bit. Our arms wrapped around each other. Each of us lost in our own thoughts. He kissed me hard and promised me that I’d be the only one he’d be kissing from now on. I rubbed his hair playfully and repeated his promise to him.