The Island of
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
"Herm, honey...did you remember to put out the recyclables?" Nina called from the living room.
"Just getting them now." Herm opened the back door. The deck had iced up from the day's sleet and snow, and the plastic recycle bin was frozen to the deck in about three inches of ice. Herm leaned over and gave it a pull. Instead of resisting, the bin came off the deck easily; too easily. Herm fell back as the bin flew up out of his hands, spreading bottles and cans all over the deck. He hit his head and everything turned black....
...Slowly, the darkness started to ebb away as light came quietly. A few moments later the light spread from the horizon, revealing the rising sun and a very handsome albeit rotund snowman.
"Oh...Hi...My name is Samuel...Samuel T. Snowman. And this is Christmastown. You all know about Christmastown don't you?" Having no feet can be a hindrance to movement for most folks, but like all snowpeople (the technical term is Sentient Frozen Aquabeing), Sam could sidle, and sidle he did.
"Now things around here have been changing lately, and almost all of it for the good. You might feel a little less apprehensive about being in a magical place like Christmastown if I tell you a story...yes a story."
Sam seemed almost apologetic. Most folks don't care for stories these days unless they have exploding cars or gratuitous sex (even snowmen, excuse me...even snowpeople procreate.) But long narratives seem to bore the text generation.
"As is his wont, Santa was having a nice pre-game meal before launching out into yet another Christmas Eve night of mirth and generosity. Cutbacks in his resources and capital had forced some changes. Rather than make the toys out of shoddy, less attractive or less utile materials, Santa chose to make the toys smaller; a trick he learned from observing General Foods and Coca-Cola (copyright 2011). But he did have a schedule to meet.
Sam sidled over to a pine tree that bore a striking resemblance to a Christmas tree, but it had been painted aluminum and bore a tag stating, Awaiting the Airing of the Grievances, whatever that meant.
"Well, Santa's Tom-Tom was on the fritz, awaiting yet another phone call with the nice man from Mumbai who was walking Santa through a repair. So he needed some way to guide his sleigh.......
"Donner, where's that boy of yours? I don't have a GPS that works right now and the Fed Ex deliverer got held up in Tucson. Would you mind asking him...I know he's awfully sensitive since last Christmas? You know...the party...Blitzen had a bit too much nog and blurted out that Rudolph... pardon, Rudi...was taking hormones and all the laughter. The whole reindeer games thing got out of hand...especially when your folk (Airborne Cervidae) decided to skip Trivial Pursuit and play twister."
"Yeah...I still get a laugh when I think of how Cupid and Prancer ended up in the pantry....."
"Well, anyway, Rudi is about the most reliable Reindeer (Airborne Cervidae) I know, even if he's a little light in the hooves...."
"Now, boss, I know you sign my paycheck....but that's borderline harassment. You know what the EEOC says about transgender Reindeer (TGAC). She's all girl now, and I won't have you insulting my daughter that way!"
"Okay, okay...I'm cranky...I was just trying to be funny. You try wearing the same stupid outfit 24/7 all year round...just call her over here, okay?"
"Hello, Santa,” The reindeer said as she walked over to the Jolly Old Elf. (JOE) “Rudi said with a wink. Next to Rudi was another pretty girl reindeer (GGAC) and a very attractive girl elf dressed, not in winter elfin finery, but a medical smock.)
"And who might this pretty young thing be, and why isn't she with the other Reindeer?"
"This is my partner, Clarice. You remember her, don't you?" Santa recalled the first time he'd met Rudi...when he was Rudolph. He was surprised to see Rudi with Clarice until Rudi interrupted his train of thought.
"Clarice and I are waiting for the Christmastown City management to okay marriage between same-sex reindeer (SSAC)." Rudi shook her head in frustration. The City Council had been dragging their feet (and hooves) and she and Clarice had to settle for a "different but equal" status.
"Gee...I thought you'd be dating someone like Dasher or Dancer?" Santa said stroking his beard.
"Nope...now Vixen did have a brief relationship with Dancer, but me, I'm a One-Doe Deer!" She nuzzled Clarice who blushed.
"Who's your friend?" Donner asked his daughter.
"Hi...My name is Hermione....I'm a dentist." Actually, Hermione had just earned yet another degree, and was completely certified to do endodontics and veneers and all sorts of cosmetic dentistry.
"Just why are you here, Ms. Elf?" Santa said noticing the green velvet maxidress that peaked out from under her dentist's scrubs.
"Rudi and I are here to ensure that you visit the Isle of Misfit Boys before you embark on tonight's delivery." Hermione smiled coyly at the turn of the phrase.
"Oh no...Not that place. I don't have time to pander to your politically correct agenda, kid. Maybe next year when I've made room in the schedule.
"Nope...it's now or never. You want the nose....you gotta visit the Isle. Capice?" Rudi said and Clarice turned her head?
"What, hon?" She realized her mistake and her face turned as scarlet as her partner's nose. She lowered her head.
"Aw...I'm sorry....I promise I won't tease...really." Rudi nuzzled Clarice and then lowered her head and whispered to her partner's stomach.
"You take care of Mommy until I get back, okay you two?" Santa looked at Rudi incredulously, evoking the reply.
"Had the sperm frozen before the old snipperoo, ya know?" Rudi batted her eyelashes, which sported a fresh application of Diorshor Mascara (One of the best!). Santa stared at Rudi's eyes in wonder until Hermione spoke...
"I'm a licensed Cosmetologist and paralegal as well!!" She put her finger under her chin and pivoted on her heel.
"Welcome to the Twenty-first Century, Boss!" Donner said as he walked over and kissed Rudi and Clarice on their cheeks.
Hermione turned to Rudi and nodded and they began to sing.
We are truly transgender
We're not gonna surrender
Truth will be our defender
Cause girls is what we are!
It's not our imagination
you'd better check your education
If you want a demonstration
Then you're not gonna get far!
For some it might be how we're dressed
to stay as a boy might be reason for distress!
And just wait until after our real life test
We'll be singing a most joyous song!
We're A Couple Of Misfits
We'd like more than just big tits
If that's what makes us misfits
Then we guess that we don't belong!
Santa turned to Donner with a look of incredulity. Donner turned to Santa and smiled and said,
"I'm gonna be a Granddad!"
"What ever floats your boat, I suppose. Well, Rudi...you've got me....Okay...You lead the way and we'll stop at the Isle of Misfits.
About an hour later, Santa and his Christmas Sleigh (tm) were airborne. Dasher and Dancer and Prancer were in the first two rows with Conchata; Vixen was still recovering from her gender confirmation surgery (GCSAC). The front four were Comet and Cupid, who couldn't stop talking the whole trip, along with Donder (Rudi's dad preferred the more traditional name on Christmas Eve) and of course Blitzen, who had been sober for seventeen weeks, and was regularly attending Alcoholic Reindeer's Anonymous (AAAC).
And leading the way was Rudi, resplendent in a very striking mauve harness with matching ribbons streaming from her recently de-antlered head.
"Here we are...right down there below....The Island of Misfit Boys." Hermione cried as she pointed to the small island in the middle of the Caribbean (You didn't think they'd be living on some ice floe in the North Atlantic, did you?)
The Christmas Sleigh (tm) alit in the middle of a clearing. All at once (I've always wanted to use that phrase) a group of children approached the team, eagerly waving their hands above their heads in welcome. Santa climbed off the sleigh along with Hermione.
"Why I would have thought there would be more....and what are they anyway?" Santa said as he survey the crowd of children, seven in all.
"Nope...most of them gave up and grew up," Rudi said with a frown and a shake of her head.
"We're all that's left," said a voice from behind Santa. He turned and saw a very plain looking girl, about seventeen or so, in a soccer uniform bouncing a ball off her knees and head.
"Hi...my name is Tricia," she said with a nice if somewhat deep voice.
"I'm trying to get some hormones and some blockers. Can't you talk to my Dad? He refuses to pay for treatment and he calls me a fool." She put her head down and began to cry.
"I don't kknnow." Santa stammered.
"Can you help me?" A voice called from behind Tricia. A girl of about nine stood with her hands on her hips. Her hair was recently cut short and she wore some hand-me-down jeans and a tee shirt.
"My name is Tommy....My mom doesn't believe that I'm a boy, but I am....I just don't have a wee-wee yet. Can you help me talk to her?"
"And me?" A voice cried as a pretty girl of about eleven in a green cardigan and black wool skirt jumped up on the Christmas Sleigh (tm).
"My name is Tiffany...sometimes. I don't want to lose my penis, but I hate dressing in jeans and sweats all the time. My friend Nancy lets me wear her clothes sometimes. Maybe you could tell Daddy that it's okay to do that...that it makes me feel good but I still want to be a preacher just like him some day."
"And me?" Santa turned around and saw his head elf, Georgio, standing next to Rudi. But Georgio wore a gorgeous teal silk floor-length gown and had a white lily corsage on his wrist.
"I want to date Stanley in accounting and be loved and hugged and kissed. My name is Giana Marie, by the way, boss. Do you like my gown?" Giana looked down at her gown and put her hands over her face and cried.
"And me?" Another voice cried...a girl of sixteen in a band uniform.
"I'm Danielle...I don't mind what I wear as long as I can play clarinet and have a vagina!"
"And me...I'm Betsy....I want to grow up to be the first boy to ever have a baby...well the first who used to be a boy!"
"And me?" Santa turned around and faced the biggest surprise of all.
"Hi, Daddy,” the sweet looking elf replied. She was about fourteen and wore a typical girl elf uniform from the Toy Shop back at Christmastown.
"I want to be just like you, Daddy....to deliver toys and goodies to girls and boys all over the world. But I want to be like Mommy and wear dresses and get married and love someone as handsome and kind and caring as you. Will you help me Daddy?"
Santa wanted to shake his head no. Mostly because he didn't know what to do for them all, but the last one... his own son Kris? He put his big red-gloved hand to his face and began to weep.
"It's okay, Daddy...I understand. I'll change back when we get back to Christmastown, okay?" Kris put his head down and went over to the sleigh, tears falling on the ground as he walked.
"Wait....Stop...." The man with perhaps the biggest heart in the world had no room up to that point for another soul's need, but his heart grew bigger for all of the misfits, but especially for his own child. He said no other word but put his arms out in welcome. Kris ran back to her father and they embraced.
"You do know I must say goodbye, don’t you?" Santa whispered in her ear. She nodded and he kissed her on the cheek.
"Goodbye, my precious son." Santa kissed her again and smiled, tears falling like snowflakes; soft and magical.
"Hello my dear precious daughter,” he said. All of the misfits cheered and laughed and cried and shouted for joy.
Santa turned to the group of misfits and cried...
"I'm so sorry!!!" And his daughter hugged him, kissing him on the cheek before singing...
Don't wait tomorrow,
Don't keep silent still,
Go tell them you love them
There's none so important,
that sets aside love,
Go tell them you love them.
No clothing or gender
should keep you apart
Go hug your sweet children
Then Santa looked around in frustration.
"How am I to transport you all? He frowned.
Just then another voice cried out, deep and rich and full of laughter. Santa looked up and a very very large but attractive woman walked up, pulling a long covered trolley behind her; like the ones at the boardwalk or beach that are pulled by golf carts, you know?
"Hi, Santa, nice to see you again." Santa looked up into familiar eyes.
"Yukon?" Santa exclaimed.
"Yukon Cordelia! No longer prospecting. I play power forward for the New York Liberty. Pretty neat, huh?"
And so Santa made several deliveries that night. Toys and goodies to girls and boys. Notes to doctors and parents explaining about Gender Identification and transgendered issues. And money for the fortunate misfits to get things taken care of so that their outsides matched their insides.
At dawn's first light, Santa and his charges and the reindeer were back in Christmas town. The reindeer were led back to the barn for a well earned breakfast and rest. All that is except for Donner and Rudi, who rushed and arrived just in time to see Mitzi, Rudi's mother, help Clarice deliver twin does.
"What shall we name them, my dear?" Rudi asked her partner.
"I think we'll name them after my older sisters, if that's alright." She looked at Mitzi, who nodded, feeling not in the least bit slighted.
"Okay, Rudi said with a girlish giggle. Alison and Veronica it is."
"And what do you want, after all of this, Hermione?" Santa said with a deep laugh.
"Just what I've always wanted...to be a dentist...and to be just who I am....just who I am....just who I am..."
"...Herm...Hermie...are you okay? You slipped and hit your head on the deck?" Nina said nervously. Herm sat up, rubbing the back of his head.
"I...I'm okay...juuust a bump....yeah..I'm okay." She helped him up and they walked back into the house and sat down in the living room.
"You sit here. I'll get you a cup of cocoa, okay?" Nina said.
"Okay....that'll be nice." Herm said as he rubbed his neck and the back of his head. A few moments later Nina returned. She had a tray of mugs and a carafe. Underneath the tray was a nicely wrapped package. She set the tray down on the coffee table and handed Herm the package.
"Look, I know that Christmas Eve isn't until tomorrow, but after your spill I thought you might like something early...you know?" She smiled and watched him open the package.
"Oh...pajamas." Herm said flatly.
"I think they're the right size? You like them don't you?" She half-frowned, expecting Herm to be disappointed. He held them up.
Claret, cotton-lined satin pajama top and tap pants.... embroidered with red roses. And a new dentist's smock, also in claret. He turned to see her pull open her long robe, revealing an identical outfit in pink, sans the smock. She smiled broadly at him and said,
"Merry Christmas! Thank you Nina, thank you."
Have a wonderful transition
It's a great time in your life
So much is changed and rearranged
In the wielding of a knife
Hope your friends accept your expression
Be it tv, tg, ts.
However you become the real you
Is great I must confess.
Girl or boy, oh what a joy to be someone today
no matter who is loving you, it's wonderful! Hooray!
Have a marvelous transition
FtM or MtF my dear!
Oh, by golly have a joyful sweet transition this year!
All songs based on music from the
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Words and Music by Johnny Marks
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