Three Girls - Chapter 3

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Three Girls

Book One
Chapter Three

Chopin and Confusion

by Andrea Lena DiMaggio


 


Three girls find they have a lot more in common than their music...
yuki's wish - playing, freedom, music...all for what if not to be the girl i am


Previously...in the office of Caryn Bisceglia, psychologist...

"Yuki...your mother accepts you just the way you are, right?" Caryn pushed.

"Yes....yes," She spoke, but her voice was nearly a whisper.

"Do you have to pitch a perfect game...does Luke have to perform?" She used her other name, since that was part of who she was.

"No...he...I don't...Mom..."

"And you don't have to be perfect with your Chopin or Brahms?" Caryn said as the music played softly in the background.

"No....no..."

"So the Mother who asks for nothing...she approves?" The contrast was so important for her to see. The girl nodded and stifled a sob.

"And the Father who asks for everything without telling you what he wants expects everything... he'd disapprove?" Once again her question was greeted by a nod, but the girl failed in her attempts to keep from crying.

"So you have the support of the one who cares..the one who stayed. The person who wishes for you to be whoever YOU want to be, right?"

"Yeehhhhessss....yes."

"Yuki?" Caryn waited a moment while the girl continued to cry.

"Yuki...who do you think...who do you know you are?" The girl looked at her, continuing to be surprised that her own wants and needs would be a consideration.

"Are you a girl? A young woman?" Caryn used the new term...Yuki was a senior in high school, and decisions, however difficult and conflicting, needed to be made soon, one way or the other.

"Are you a young woman?" She nodded, unable to speak.

"I believe you, Yuki. I believe you." She smiled and shrugged her shoulders as if to indicate a new question, but she made a statement that helped the girl understand.

"Now, our biggest task that lies ahead? You know your mom supports you and believes you? And I believe you? Now, Yuki...the task is to help you believe in yourself.


At Caryn's office, the following week...

"I'm sorry, Yuki...I know this is very difficult," Caryn said as she gazed at the papers in her hand. "With everything facing you, it seems unfair, doesn't it?"

"You mean...having to choose?" Yuki shrugged.

"Yes...the urgency...because of your age, honey." Perhaps more personal than her profession would usually allow, but she wanted the girl to know she understood.

"I have to choose....like now..."

"Yes...because the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be if you choose to assume being Yuki full time.... permanently. You don't have to do that, but as your doctor has explained, you've benefitted, so to speak, from late development, but you can only put off nature for so long."

"Dr. Brennan said that it's really up to me...that even if I live as a girl for a year, there isn't any need to hurry the hormones unless I'm absolutely sure...that given my physique...I can work with her during the year. She already started me on blockers. I talked it over with my mom, and I think this is what I need to do."

"I'm glad to hear that, but it seems that this is really what you want to do, Yuki. You'll be on a course that will determine how you live the rest of your life."

"I need this, Caryn...this is my life...I have to..." The anxiety had built up even with moments of venting, and the stress of the decision was too much to hold in as the girl burst into tears.

After her sobbing subsided, Caryn began again. The choice to enter into a real life test for a year had implications beyond 'just' assuming her female identity. Her life would be dramatically affected since none of her friends knew and she would be beginning the test before the schools end.

"And of course there's baseball and piano to consider." She wasn't trying to be flippant at all. Both music and sports were integral parts of Luke's life, and they would certainly be affected if Luke became Yuki full time.

Of course, she knew it would hurt the girl to have to give up baseball; the likelihood that would be able to continue was almost nil. But her music would be affected too. All of her reputation as a pianist was garnered as Luke Matsusaki. It was a foregone conclusion that Yuki would continue playing, but she would have to deal with rejection, even in a "progressive" community like the music world.

"I'm going to talk to coach tomorrow and tell him that I have to leave the team." Her voice was trembling.

"I....I....wish....” she shook her head and looked away, seeking some strength for the inevitable disappointment.

"That you could keep Luke and Yuki? That you wouldn't have to give up anything?" Of course Caryn knew that Yuki knew. She wanted her to discuss the consequences of her choice.

"It's so unfair....it just isn't fair." She began to tear up once again.

"You know what we talked about last time?" Caryn teased with a half-frown.

"I know...there isn't anything fair or unfair..." she laughed softly through her tears. "It just is what it is." She paused and sighed.

"I don't know how I'm going to face the team...I'm letting them down."

"That's your father talking, isn't it?" Caryn shook her head.

"Yehhheyes." Yuki wiped her face with her sleeve, forgetting the box of tissue in her lap.

"It will be hard, Yuki, but you have to do what is best for you. The team will manage."

"I know...I'll be alright."

"I can't tell you what to do, honey...just what you face with each choice and how things might be. I can say this. Even in the midst of all your anguish, as Yuki you are so much brighter and alive than when I saw you as Luke. Now that just may mean that you're more relaxed, or that Luke has so much more to face since he's who you've been for so long. But you must know that it's who you are and will become that is important."

"I know. I don't think I've ever felt so much pain in my life. I feel like I'm being pulled apart."

"You've got two people to think about, Yuki. At least that's how it feels?" The girl nodded.

"Try to remember that the two of you are really one person...you've always been a part of Luke and he's a part of you. It's really more about deciding which of the two is how you see yourself. You'll be able to bring the two of you together...whole, no matter what you decide. You understand?"

"I...I think so....like Luke will have me for ever...or I'll have Luke inside me?" She smiled as the stress of her decision seemed to ease.

"You may have to give up things and such...and that will be painful and difficult, but either way, you won't have to give up any part of yourself as long as you choose what's best for you." Caryn smiled as Yuki smiled at her. Whatever the girl chose, she was going to be alright.


B Wing Perth Amboy High School, a few days later...

"Hey, coach? Got a second?" Luke caught Danny Callahan in the hallway before class. The man smiled in welcome.

"How's my best left-hander?" Danny smiled as the boy walked up.

"I'm your only left-hander, Coach!" Luke laughed nervously. He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was folded twice and was secured with a staple.

"I need to talk to you, but I can't right now. Do you have internet on your computer here?"

"Yes, all the staff have internet access. What's up?" The boy thrust the paper in his hand with a frightened look.

"Luke...what's wrong? You can talk to me, you know that? You got problems at home?" Danny Callahan was well aware of the boy's issues; he and Danny's son Eddie were friends from Middle School, and Luke had spent a lot of time at the Kane house when his father abandoned him and his mother.

"I...I need you to look at this after I walk away....there's a website link written down." The boy began to tear up.

"Luke...why don't you come with me...we can talk right now. Okay?"

"No....just look at what I wrote under the link....read it and I'll talk to you this afternoon ...later....I can't talk now." The boy didn't wait for an answer, but waved his hand behind him as he quickly walked away. Danny shook his head and opened up the paper. Printed in block letters with a flair pen, he read -

http://diversitycenter.org/programs/lgbtiq-youth-task-force/... followed by "This is what I am. After you read this, go to your mailbox in the school office and read what's in the envelope, okay?"

Danny looked at the piece of paper in his hand before folding it carefully and putting in his pocket. He sighed deeply before walking down the hall to the gym.

A few minutes later...down the hall....

"Hey, Teddy?" The first baseman turned to see his best friend standing by the water fountain in A wing. He walked up to Luke.

"Hey, Takihashi! What's up?'

"I gotta talk with you....I gotta talk with someone..." The boy shrugged his shoulders.

"Sure. First game on Friday...you'll be fine." At six-one, he was a half-foot taller than the slim left-hander.

"I...it's not the game...I gotta tell you something...so hard..." The boy began to tear up. He had never cried in front of anyone since he was little other than his mother, and now he was crying in front of his best friend. And if he told him everything it would be even harder, as if what he were about to say weren't hard enough.

"Oh shit, Luke...what the fuck?" Teddy wanted to help his friend, but a hug in the hallway? Maybe after a fist bump in greeting, but when the kid was crying?

"Ted....I gotta tell you something. It's so hard....I...I can't..."

"Fuck, Luke, what's wrong?"

"Ted...I...you...you know...Cam...Camie Santangelo? You know?”

"In our Physics class...the gay kid in the back?"

"No, Teddy...not gay....He's...you know...different." Luke struggled to speak...he feared what he was going to say next.

"Yeah...different...he's...like he wants to be a girl or something? He's a fag, Luke...big deal...what does that have to do with you." The tears in Luke's eyes flowed more than ever as he hung his head. Teddy looked at him and his eyes showed an angry understanding.

"Oh, fuck no; Luke...stop fucking with me...This is fucking joke, right? Tell me it's a fucking joke!

"No...Teddy....Stop...I'm not kidding."

Teddy knew he wasn't kidding; the tears and the crushed look on his best friend's face already conveyed the seriousness of the boy's situation, but did nothing to change the part of his mind that had already been made up before he even talked with Luke.

"Oh...hell no, Luke...No...NO. " Tears came to Teddy's eyes as he walked away. He was upset and angry and scared; there were a lot of things that Teddy could face, but finding out his best friend was, "a fucking fag,' as he would tell his teammates later, was too much to bear. Years of friendship were unable to mitigate a lifetime of ignorance, misinformation and fear.


The coachs' office...at the end of the school day...

"Hey.....Coach," the voice came from the doorway. Luke stood timidly with his face turned away.

"Come in, Luke, and close the door." His voice was nearly expressionless, as was his face. The boy stepped in gingerly, still looking away. As he closed the door he heard the strains of Cho-pin's Chopin Waltze Op.64 No.2 playing on Danny's CD player.

"I'll clear out my locker, but can you let me take care of that at the end of the week? I'm not feeling well, and I'd just as soon go home, okay?"

"No!" Danny seemed to snap at the boy, but his smile was warm and welcoming, belying any anger.

"You need to clear out your locker right now." The boy winced and began to tear up. He knew that leaving the team was inevitable, but he didn't anticipate being treated so harshly, which was doubly painful coming from someone as kind as Coach Callahan.

"I've got a locker in here that you can use," he said, pointing to the bank of old lockers against the far wall of the office. Luke stood and stared at Danny in shock.

"I went to the site and I read your note about ...a real...real life test? I called my sister...she works as a counselor for students in the Pysch program at Rutgers. Since you're going to begin this right away, you'll need your own place to
change...that is if you want it?"

"What do you mean?" Luke shook his head in confusion until Danny smiled again.

"I talked with Mr. Goldenberg, the athletic director, and I checked with the league as well. There's nothing in the by-laws preventing you from competing." He smiled almost impishly and continued.

"Nothing has changed as far as I'm concerned. If you want to, you can continue with the team. Getting them to buy into this is going to be the hardest thing either of us have ever done. We have some guys who are great, and they'll have your back. We have some that may not understand, but will go along because it's the thing to do. And unfortunately, we have some guys on the team that are either fools or choose to be ignorant. Those ones you'll either win over or not. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is."

The boy stared incredulously at his coach, speechless for a moment before saying softly, almost in a whisper to himself as he lowered his head,

"I don't understand."

"Just this. And this is from the Superintendant and the Principal...the athletic department, and all of the coaches...yes, all of us. From now on, Luke Takahashi is no longer a member of the Varsity Baseball Team of Perth Amboy High School."

The boy lowered his head once again until Danny added with a soft laugh as he extended his hand.

"Welcome to the team, Yuki!"

Next: Mendelssohn and Misunderstandings!


Waltz in C-sharp minor, Op. 64, No. 2
Composed by Fredric Chopin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFPTQFytQqk&feature=related

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Comments

OMG!!! Drea!!

[email protected] This brought up so much 'stuff' for me.

I played little-league ball, and loved every minute of it. I wasn't 'Pro' material, but I could contribute. Had a 'helluva' arm from the outfield. Nobody expected it. That's where the scrubs went.

After a few base-runners got picked-off; that changed. I really was one of the team. Though I never really was.(At least, not the same team.)

Huge HUGS,
So Much Love,
Jonelle-Elise

Right Now, I Really NEED To Know !

Are you saying you were T in little league? I just really need to hear some real life stories from people IN real life, that this has worked for. Yes, it is making my brain puke too. I know that things have gotten 1000% better for T folk since 1950, and I hope that they have gotten enough better, that we and our children will eventually see fewer ignorant, sexist, homophobic, asses, and more supportive, compassionate people in our lives.

As it turns out, I was never little league, cub or boy scout or anything like that, but I was good with softball in 8th grade and could out hit, and out run everyone. Just three short months later, most of the guys seem to have doubled in size, and I think I shrunk maybe. You can guess what I thought the first time I saw a hard ball coming at me, shit, I ducked, silly. Then I tried to play football and was thrown half way down the field by someone that blocked me, and then when it came to basket ball, golly, how did they do that with that ball? Yallah !

Oddly, I was very good and gifted in gymnastics. Some of you older T folk know what gymnastics was like for boys then.

Much peace

Khadijah

I was expecting it to be bad

Jemima Tychonaut's picture

I was expecting it to be bad when he told the coach. I was expecting it to be very like Teddy's reaction. And then, you threw in a twist and completely shocked me!

Great work!



"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Same with me!

When I was in high school, I wanted nothing more than to play with the other girls on the school's volleyball team, rather than the baseball team, where I was a victim of abuse and derision. I'm no Karch Kiraly, being 5'6" and was about 120 lbs back then, so I would be just like all the other girls. We did have a player who was 6'2" and was a monster on the court, so I wouldn't be the overpowering player.

So I looked up the state's rules on playing for opposite sex teams, and as long as there was an equivalent sport, a boy could play on the girls' team and vice versa. What I'm getting at is that Yuki may not be able to play baseball since PAHS fields a softball team. Of course, this being the 2000s, the rules may have changed in 30 years...

Just me rambling at 6:30am on a Saturday.

Lena, I also had the thought -- have you put your story in the same universe as Susan Brown's Football Girl?

I avoided...

I avoided high school phys ed a different way... By taking "junior ROTC" I got a history class 4 days a week (okay, I had to wear a boooring blue uniform one day, but talk about a disguise!) and I didn't have to take ANY of the Phys Ed classes! :-)

Mixed reactions

Funny old world, isn't it.

Luke's best friend, who Yuki assumed would accept the new 'her', completely disowned her and stormed off.

The coach, who Yuki assumed would be a pig and immediately kick her off the team, has welcomed her with open arms.

Presumably, since Carnie is also TG, we'll meet and find out more about her through the story. Assuming at least some of the team accept Yuki and are protective of her, there's a chance they can also watch out for Carnie - form a kind of unofficial support network for the pair.

Meanwhile, I see the musical naming scheme continues, although sadly not in alphabetical order...

I wonder if we'll see a Romance (paired with Rachmaninoff, of course!) before the story's end...
And if you need another C, don't forget Muzio Clementi :) Most pianists probably recognise his name, and even more so his Opus 36.
No. 1's the most popular, and Phil Collins fans might just recognise the melody of the Rondo section of No. 5 (albeit the version they're familiar with is considerably slower!)...

 

Bike Resources

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't...

As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!

Nice Snap-twist.

I loved the way this wrote out. Teddy might come around he might not. I'm impressed with the coach and his reactions. Maybe there are some people out there that just see that TG or not kids just need love. I love the hope that it represents.

Bailey Summers

What a coach!

'"Welcome to the team, Yuki!"' What a wonderful man!

"Treat everyone you meet as though they had a sign on them that said "Fragile, under construction"

dorothycolleen

DogSig.png

How Does One Tell a Friend?

littlerocksilver's picture

I came to the realization that a close friend of mine was gay. Actually, he was something that I didn't understand, something I didn't have a clue about. This was more than 50 years ago, and in my home the word 'homosexual' was never spoken. We were made to understand that some people were 'different' and that was all we were told. Several years before, Christine Jorgenson had made the headlines, and that was something else that was never discussed. The bottom line was we were raised in an atmosphere that different was wrong. At this time, I was beginning to realize that there was something different about my personal makeup, and because it was different it had to be bad. I am not gay, but like many of us who are in various stages of MTF, I have always been sexually attracted to women, never men.

When my friend started to come on to me, I wasn't ready for, nor did I understand his advances. Instead of being able to tell him that I liked him as a friend, but not in a sexual way, I ran. He was dead by our tenth high school reunion. Fifty years later I still wonder if my rejection of him might have had something to do with his death. I have never been able to find out what happened. Whether it did or not, it made me realize how wrong my upbringing had been in the way of understanding sexuality.

Yuki is fortunate. She has a great support group. Hopefully, someone will be able to help her friend understand about human sexuality, and enable them to be friends again. The lack of true knowledge is a significant generator of fear. Learning the truth is so important. It has to start when we are young. Unfortunately, for me it was thirty years too late.

Portia

Portia

Interesting...

I'm finding this interesting. Some challenges, some supporters. Fascinating.

I was a little concerned over the therapist's actions, but I figure you were "compressing" things for story purposes. No question there can be difficult sessions! Been there, done that... I suspect there'll be some more in the future (Specially, if I'm able to get to the point where I can be looking for a second letter... *sighs* But, that's a LONG time away. *sighs* Many steps to go through first.) The one bit I was worried about was the apparent "push" by the therapist for a decision (implication being to allow HRT/Testosterone blocking). That makes me wonder a bit at the doc... Oh, I know the benefit from getting there early. But, it's also a decision with VERY long term ramifications...

Nice to see a story set in NJ. :-) I don't know that area well, but I do a little. LOL I'm looking forward to seeing where you take things.

Thanks for the story,
Anne

I'm glad you're on top of your game!

Andrea Lena's picture

...in formatting this, I omitted two sentences from another copy of the story that bring more caution regarding the urgency of the choice, and that the need for the RLT to begin is a decision that Yuki actually wants. In my haste to publish once again I missed this. I've corrected the oversight. Thanks so much for your support and help.


Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Game?

Game, what game? Here I was thinking a real live kid was ...

If it helped, I'm really glad. Best wishes to you. NJ has a LOT to offer... (Including a surprising number of therapists that have a clue... Sadly, not as many (or as well distributed) as we need... But, most areas don't have enough.

Anne

Missing options?

Anti-androgens? Why must it be hormones now and not later? Glad Yuki can keep most of her interests, however at a price. She will be the focus of a lot of hate being trans. Hope she is strong enough to take it or walking away from the team would probably be the price for a peaceful transition.

I am however annoyed that Yuki has this immature 'wants it all attitude' and does not understand that life will inevitably involve compromises and major changes will never allow one to escape unscathed. And yes, I already understood that even before Yuki's age.

Kim

Even though she's a senior in high school...

Andrea Lena's picture

...she is immature in a lot of ways. Between her father's neglect when he was in the home and his abandonment of her and her mom, Yuki has developed an understandable if slight sense of self-centeredness, as her dialog about 'fair v. unfair' reveals. Events of the next several weeks as portrayed in the following chapters will help her understand that she cannot have it all. It won't be an easy transition per se, but she will overcome the ignorance she and her peers (more to be introduced) will inevitably deal with.

And as far as the hormones, that's her doctor's perspective of what might occur should she wait, which as you well know is only one component of her overall treatment by her professional team. Life and circumstances will help her be free from the tyranny of the urgent, as some say, since it's her personal inner development that will be the difference in the long run. I'm glad that you and Annette pointed out "What's the Hurry?" She's almost running as much from her past and her hurts as much as running to her ultimate destination as a mature woman. And Thanks for the comment.


Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Thanks

Pretty incompetent endo to not know about blockers though. But I do hope she gets the benefits of her late puberty.

Kim

Dr. Brennan knows her stuff....

Andrea Lena's picture

....it's non-doctor DiMaggio. I shall add the appropriate description post-haste. Thanks.


Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Some Of This Gets So Personal

joannebarbarella's picture

That I find it hard to comment. The angst and the confusion and the "wishing for it all" syndrome I still remember after more than fifty years. And 'Drea, I just wish you didn't pull it all out of my memory so easily.

All hail! The Kleenex Kween,

Joanne

"Welcome to the team, Yuki."

Well the coach seems to be on Yuki's side, but what about the team? Will they make fun of Yuki and call her filthy names, and beat her up? Or will Ted come to his senses and be her champion? Ted and Luke were friends almost forever, and Ted and Yuki should be friends too. I guess we will have to wait and see. Nicely written Drea, and thank you for sharing.

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."

Love & hugs,
Barbara

"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."

Three Girls - Chapter 3

"Welcome to the team, Yuki!" says it, best.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine