Images 21

Chapter 21

We stayed for maybe another twenty minutes before we kissed and walked to our Honeymoon suite. The room was breathtaking just like out of a fantasy. I know that Taylor did this. He scoops me into his arms and walks me through the threshold.

Okay let me tell you just how special this is.

The walls are all mostly softwood; clear coated white pine makes up the walls with all of the moldings and trims out of maple I think. We have a patio with the doors partly closed. They’re these French styled doors but with roses of frosted glass in the large long panes of glass. There’s a little table with a bottle of bubbly and the ice bucket thingy out there.

We have a large fireplace set into this white grey cultured stone fireplace that just matched the rooms mostly white color. I large white enameled bed has a white rabbit? Fur blanket on top and ruby red satin or silk sheets. There are other things but all I can say really is what doesn’t have roses in vases on it and rose petals scattered amongst it has candles lit on it. The kicker, the things that send this over the top are the fact that Our love making CD of our songs is playing and there’s got to be dry ice around here somewhere because there’s this romantic mist playing across the floor.

If there’s another advantage to being new to this...being a girl thing. There’s no way in my newly found girly dreams could I have ever dreamed up something as romantic as this. I’m crying but in the most perfect, amazed and happy way.

Taylor’s hand reaches out and wipes away my tears. He kisses me so gently and softly and there’s a difference to it. As much as tomorrow will be so different, tense and everything with going to see his doctor. There’s this sort of relief there. That if something happens for good or bad. I’ll not just be there but I have every right to. I’m Mrs. Jenna Winters now.

He breaks the kiss to take my hands and dances with me “Kiss from a Rose.” had started playing the a few other beautiful songs we love. “Send me an Angel.” and “Open arms.” and a few others. We have two glasses of the champagne as we take our time to undress each other, there’s a lot of touches and kisses in between the sips and even another dance or two.

I love dancing with Taylor, I really do. There’s nothing quite as easy and soft and femme as my being able to wrap my arms around his neck and have his hands on the small of my back or resting on my hips guiding and leading me because I’m still new to slow dancing as a girl. There’s usually a point where he smells my hair as I rest my head on his shoulder.
I love the way that he drinks in the sight of my body, of me especially in all this lingerie. That look, that aching to touch me look, that hungry look makes me feel so wanted, so womanly.

One last dance in my underwear, I love this song. “Wonderful Tonight.” by Eric Clapton.
I leave my weave in. Tonight, with my husband I really want my long hair.

My Husband.

Just the thought of that sends this ripple of light through what is me. What I thought was me but God’s showing me that I don’t end with me. I mean it we don’t. Just think of that person you love with all of your heart and soul. Now think of the you that you were before that. Yeah…yeah, I’m just seeing this whole new way of seeing my life. Oh I know this won’t be the most popular thing to say for people for a lot of reasons. But I can honestly say it’s true. There is a difference or there is one to me.

My Husband.

The thought and those feeling are so strongly flowing through me. Even as I sink to my knees. It’s something I like to do, we’ve covered that ground about my feelings about that but I had some wedding night fun with it. A sip of champagne as I do and let the bubbles do naughty things to him. On my knees in the cool mist is so out of some strange fantasy for me not to.

I’ve got to say there really is a Taylor Caviar like thing going on and it’s so fitting to have champagne with a girls caviar. Okay, I might be a little buzzed by now.
That’s good because I’m so in the mood once we get onto the bed. I don’t know if the fur blanket is real or synthetic but it feels wonderful on my skin. Oh, I so love the feeling of the fur on my skin and my breasts.

We make out and sort of writhe and wriggle on the furs as we get ourselves hotter and hotter and rather than sticky up the furs we slip into the silk sheets. The love making is as different as much as it’s the same. I’m so much more open inside, and yeah it’s that married thing. It’s different. I don’t have that desperation tingeing everything and neither does Taylor. We are being very passionate, actually we start soft and slow but we pick up steam about after the second time that Taylor makes love to me and makes me cum. And He cums in me making me feel that glow, that I am good enough. It gets better and better and better I’ve never had sex like this, never made love like this and Oh my God Taylor is inexhaustible.

Hours, Hours…Literally we took hours to do it. I snuggle against him, sore, really sore and exhausted. “God Baby, what was that? What got into you?”

“I wanted to have our wedding night to be special, and well hit Gramps up for uhm one on his little blue buddies.”

“Oh my god, you didn’t? You didn’t need that.”

“Uhm yeah, I figured that out when it just kinda didn’t calm down.”

“Sore?”

“Yeah?”

“Think how I feel.” and I kiss him. “Thank you Taylor but you’re enough for me just being yourself. You don’t need the help. But thank you anyway, I love you…”

He kisses me then snuggles into me and murmurs. “I love you too Jen, I love you too.”

I love hearing that.

I love feeling so safe and loved in his arms.

I love falling asleep with his hand on my breast.

It’s kind of hazy when I next open my eyes. I can smell the scent of wood smoke but just faintly. I’m in a house, its living room to be exact. I see Taylor? But not Taylor asleep on this old sofa the Montreal Expos are playing on the old TV set. He looks like Tay but shorter hair and a light beard and a mustache. He’s wearing a pair of sweat pants and there’s a beautiful blond haired boy about 3 or 4 asleep on his chest.

“In here Jenna.” this light womanly voice floats in, not a whisper but voiced to not wake up the sleeping pair. I turn and walk towards the kitchen. There’s hand made moldings varnished around the door-jam and are really plain but they’ve got all this character. I walk into this big lovely country kitchen with this huge wood stove and all those discs in the top of it, the water tanks, the warming top, the griddle and double ovens. It’s beautiful; I’ve always loved the look behind of such a beautiful thing.

The same with the rest of it. Tons of cupboards along the walls and under the counters and they’re cheap plywood actually but painted white with hand painted flowers. There counter is old linoleum and covered in all the things for an old fashioned kitchen.

I see a very beautiful lightly brown haired woman in a pair of old jeans and a well worm torn and stained hooded zip front sweat shirt and a man’s old white t-shirt that’s equally stained from painting and wood working hangs on her nearly skirt like.
She gives me this warm, beautiful smile that I’ve only ever see on my Taylor.
And that little boy sleeping in there on his daddy’s chest.

“Hello Jenna, I’ve been wanting to meet you.”

“You have?”

“God yes, Jenna you’re wearing my ring, my mom’s ring. I had to meet you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I need to see you, to get to know you. I want to know the girl that’s saving my baby’s life.”

“I…I’m not a real…” There are tears in my eyes, God, I’m afraid of her, afraid of not being good enough.

“Yes you are Jenna, here you are.”

“Uhm…Uhm…excuse me, where’s the restroom.” She smiles and points. I run and as soon as I’m in there I’m hiking up my sundress. Dropping my panties and … and I’m me. I’m actually really me. Heck it’s like really real and not even perfect. I’m in between shaves and I’m got three big kind of freckle spots and … I really, really me.

I quickly dress and run out and hug her. I just somehow know this is coming from her, or she’s helping it happen. I cry on her for awhile, I cry hard because…because … ?

“Because you’re my daughter in law sweetie and I’ve always, always wanted a little girl in my life, in my family.”

“Thank you M..Mm..Mom.”

“You’re welcome sweetie, my name’s Charlene but Mom works just fine with me.”

I’m not even sure why, but for awhile I bawl my eyes out. I even fell asleep in this dream place, on her lap in her arms while she rocked me in an old fashioned rocking chair. I woke blinking and having her drying my eyes.

“Sorry Mom.”

“Nonsense after what Natalie’s done to your soul Jenna you need to cry. You need to let it out more and talk to that Marley woman. She’s there for more than your GID issues honey.”

“Yes Mom.”

She rolled her eyes. “Now don’t you go changing on me just because of all of this. It’s just a good idea is all I’m saying.” She moves leaving me in the chair and put too homemade molasses cookies on a saucer and passes me a mug of tea. Its woodstove tea, the kind where the teapot’s been on the stove since breakfast and you just add water as it keeps hot all day long.

It’s not tea like you’d really see outside of rural life in North America. It’s really odd but I like it. The cookies too, there’s just something different about something cooked with wood.

“Come here Jenna and we’ll talk. I want to know you and we’ll cook for our guys.” She nodded out the kitchen window and Tay’s outside with his dad about 15 years old tossing a baseball back and forth with his dad. Tay’s never gotten to ever do that, not in a long, long time…My throat closes on me with emotion. Please god, please let Taylor dream of this, let him have this time with his dad? Please?

Time flows after that odd and strange as I cook in that old styled kitchen with Charlene making her biscuits, molasses cookies, berry muffins, her cinnamon rolls are just like I make mine. Sugar cookies…such a base for so many things, and as I’m learning all these things I’m spilling it all out. My life as Jaime and how I was broken back then but didn’t actually know it. That I was suffering under a complete lack of self identity and that I first saw me and how that changed everything for me.

It feels like hours on hours as I spill out my insecurities and my fears about being inadequate and being not even one of the T-girls who knew, who knew so long ago that something was wrong.

I never got that, I never had a clue until BAM! Everything hit me and my entire world had bottomed out for what I had thought my life was always supposed to have been like.
Jaime’s Morgan JV football hero and prodigy was a tranny-faggot. I talk to her about my different attempts at suicide and how much I had thought about it even before I told anyone about who I was. The moment I had seen Me…Jenna…Jaimes started dying.

I told her about Ingrid and just how betrayed I had felt. I had spent so much time working up the nerve to talk to her, to open up that part of me that was screaming to live. Ingrid was one of the hippest don’t give a shit off the wall girls in school and the more Jenna breathed the more I needed her to be my friend.

She was the first person I really trusted. The first person to see my soul and she destroyed that. I still don’t get why, I still hurt, I hurt and I agonize over it. I shouldn’t. Charlene even tells me that I shouldn’t put what she had done so much on myself. Even though there’s still part of me wanting to know why? And what did I do for her to hate me so badly. She holds me even as I cry over the whole thing all over again.

I tell her how scared I am for Taylor, for us and myself. That I love him despite of how short our relationship has really been. I’m scared of losing him. I’m terrified of it. Both in waking up and him having left me in the night or him getting better and finding himself a real girl.

She reassures me about his love for me. Out her window she shows Taylor’s at a graveyard. He’s got a picture of me in his hands.

“Mom…Dad it’s me Taylor. Look I’m sorry I don’t come and see you guys enough but…You know, life just gets in the way sometimes.”

“I met somebody, I met somebody special. God, Dad it’s like you told me when you said I’d know when I would really, really like a girl. This…this is Jenna, and just like you said dad I’ve got that feeling about her all the way from the top of my head all the way down to the soles of my feet.”

“I never really got it back then because I was too little dad and I thought you were talking about what it felt like to catch cooties. But god dad, this is it. Jenna’s the real thing. I can’t take a breath without it being about her dad. I’m in love with her and if she gets better I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

“The thing is I really fucked it up bad dad. I got scared and I acted like a complete fucking jackass and said stuff to hurt her and to get her off of my back only it backfired on me. Jenna’s been hurt really bad dad, mom…hurt more than anyone I’ve ever met and she thought that because of the stupid fucking things that I said to her that I didn’t love her.”

“God you guys I’m so scared, I’m so fucking scared of losing her right now. She almost killed herself and it’s my fault. I took the one truly great thing in my life and tossed her away.”

“I need her, I really need her. If I lose her I’m not sure how I can keep going. God, please, please I know I’m nuts for even being here or talking to you guys like this but I just don’t know what to do. I need her, I love her so much you guys. Please?...Please find her out there. Dad please…Mom please find my girl and please, please. Please bring her back to me…Please let her live…”

I watch Taylor my sweet, sweet, guy fall to his knees in front of their gravestone and kind of curl into a ball his face and my photo pressed into the ground as he cried…bawled for me.

Right down to the tiniest part of me I know this is true…I know he went there and that he said those things to them, about me and I’ve never felt anything like this…what can you feel when you see this, feel this kind of truth.

I turn to look at Charlene and Tyler….Tay’s… his dad’s there with her. We’re not in the house anymore but at this spot on the highway…there’s an old cross there just off the pavement and up the bank from the ditch. Tyler looks at me and smiles.

“You seem to a pretty great girl Jen; Tay says an awful lot of good things about you. Charlotte and I have kind of been keeping an eye on him for awhile now and you know we love our boy right?”

I nod.

Charlotte continues. “Well now that we’ve seen how happy he is with you and that we’ve gotten to know just what kind of lovely daughter you are.”

Tyler pipes back up. “Well we’re leaving Taylor in your loving heart we know he’s going to be okay with you right? You’ll take good care of him?”

Charlotte looks me right in my soul. “You’ll take care of my baby boy?”

I’m crying and nodding. “Yes, oh god you two yes, I love him so much…I promise, I’ll take care of him, I’ll love him and keep him safe. He’s…he’s Taylor, he’s the other half of my soul.”

Both of them are smiling at me and they start to glow and get brighter and brighter until…

There’s this bright light from the sun shining in my eyes as the phone beside the bed is ringing. There’s this whole long moment where I’m looking around still not really awake? Still not really here?

My head hurts, oh it’s been awhile since I’ve had a hangover. I reach over and pick up the phone. “Mmmwha, Hello?”

“Mrs. Winter’s this is the concierge at the front desk, you wanted a 6:30 wake up call.”

“Uhm…Yeah, thank you.”

They hung up and I roll over and I stare at him. He’s looking at me. His eyes are a little red, It could be he’s as hung-over as I feel but he could’ve been crying too?

“Morning Beautiful.” He slides over and kisses me, and kisses me and kisses me some more.

I break the kiss and touch his face gently running my fingers through the start of the stubble on his face. “You alright Tay?” I’m kind of searching his face, the look in his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah I just didn’t sleep too good, stressed about…you know.” He runs his finger through his hair and I kiss him again.

“I know Tay, I know but It’ll be alright, I’ve just got a feeling.” And I do, I’m sure that dream meant something. I can’t help but to believe in it. I kiss him a bit longer and then slip out of bed and despite how sore I am; really sore I smile at him at the door to the bathroom. “I love being married to you, you know that Taylor?”

“I love you too Jenna, I love you too.”

I head into the bathroom unable to keep the smile off of my face or out of my heart. I check my weave and take it out because it’s a mess, a real mess with uhm all the stuff that it’s been through last night.

Cleaning up is uhm personal and kind of a relief too. I’m still sore but it’s that really good intimate kind of sore. I really like the shower here a six point spray is amazing, really decadent and it’s varying pulses feel great on my skin and my girls.

Teeth brushed and lotioned up with my Nivea and a touch of my baby powder and my powder scented Secret, I use the spray a little and my stick. I don’t go over board but I love that scent and I like smelling like a girl. I finish with a touch of make up, just a bit of liquid foundation and a touch with the eyeliner and a small skiff of mascara, less is more is absolutely right if you can get away with it. I’m lucky; my French influenced complexion has been very kind to me.

I stop to kiss Taylor as he passes me to use the shower and the facilities himself and I go to our bags. Phone in between my shoulder and my ear I order up room service for breakfast from the kitchen with Them saying that a lobster benedict is available thanks to gramps so I order a large one for two people to share and some toast and juice and two V-8 juices and coffee. While I’m doing that I’m digging out the medical records the Tay has as well pack my purse for stuff I’m going to need for the day I think.

Breakfast comes and I take my Meds with my glass of V-8, I don’t really like the stuff but it’s better than that purple stuff that Taylor makes. Beside I’ve taken a lot worse stuff when Jaime was in training. And Taylor’s right, I need to not just put on more weight 121lbs at 5ft 10 inches is not good for me. I’m still putting on the weight that I lost while I was in the hospital. Yes I’m too skinny; it’s all because of being really broke, sick from my meds sometimes and my neurotic issues with getting small enough to pass well. My low body weight was part of the reason I slipped into that coma. I just had nothing in my tank to fight with.

So yeah it’s V-8 and my meds along with a Women’s multivitamin and a smaller but daily dose of an omega 3 pill, my flax oil and a vitamin e tablet and a vitamin d as well. It has been helping I think but it’s too early to tell.

Taylor comes out towel around his waist and using another one to dry his hair. I can’t help but to drink in the sight of him. My husband is beautiful, not girly beautiful but in I’m looking at my better looking than Paul Walker on his best day guy is smoking hot beautiful. I beckon him over into a romantic kiss and take the towel fro his hands and dry off his back and he leans forward letting me towel dry his hair. We he leans back up the smile and him pulling me against his shower fresh Irish spring scented body is just….it’s topped off with a nice long kiss and the sweetest smile a girl has ever gotten from a bot when he says “Thank you.” I know that means so much more than just drying his hair, or the kiss.

I like the breakfast and it’s just plain good but decadent, I’m glad we’re sharing. It’s two toasted English muffins with frisse lettuce on them and a smoke fine sheets of smoked salmon with a poached egg on top of that and there this hollandaise sauce that has all these fine bits of lobster in them and two lobster claws per muffin and a lobster tail and with crumbled bacon on top of it as well as a fancy shaped dollop of red roe caviar. I loved it but Taylor’s really looking undecisive. I know he likes lobster but I think that this is a little frou-frou for him.

Fed and coffee’d up we go downstairs to meet Dad who’s driving us there to our appointment as well as Taking Angie and Hunter to work and to school. I hug him and kiss his cheek and see he’s packet a cooler. I look inside and see chowder in Tupperware containers and what looks like a bagged lunch for Hunter. I smile at him. “They’ll love it.” I hug Angie and Hunter too.

“Hey Hunter, lets sneak over to the hall and see if there’s left over wedding cake and some flowers you can take to the other girls you go to school with.?”

She hits the ultrasonics with the squee she’s gives off and she’s bouncing and jumping up and down going. “Really!OhmyGod!DoYouMeanThatReally!!!?”

“Yeah c’mon kiddo lets go get some. What’s a big sister for?”

The hug and the warmth from that is so worth it, so was the smile I got from dad and Angie.
It’s not all that long before we’re heading out and down the highway and on our way into Edmonton. Angie doesn’t pry but Hunters full of a lot of questions about what the room looked like and if there was champagne and caviar which has me choke a bit on my Tim’s. (Dad stopped along the way for more coffees for us all and some Timbits.)

Okay I’m not going to be the one to talk to Hunter about that stuff, and…they’re all looking at me funny because it’s an inside joke I haven’t told anyone although by the nearly laughing look that showed up on Angie’s face she clued in quick enough. It’s funny because Hunter looks confused at me then her mom then at me then her mom then at Taylor and her face scrunches up and she goes. “Eeewww!” Angie and I laugh for at least four blocks.

We drop Hunter off at her school and Dad slips out with her and Angie and takes her to her homeroom helping carry her goodies. I spend some of the time waiting for them to comeback by unbuckling my seatbelt and sliding over the seat to Taylor and straddle him. He’s already tensing up and I start to rub his shoulders while smiling at him and kissing him. Kissing him a lot. We actually lose track of the time and Taylor’s hands are making my girls really, really happy.

Which of course; is when dad and Angie show back up with me straddling Tay’s lap and him with his hands up my shirt. Dad’s looking at me with this kind of strange look on his face and he’s looking at Taylor who’s blushing. Angie hits dad. “Johnny, leave it alone, they’re newlyweds.” Dad nods but I think he’s getting these first time flashes of there’s a guy doing that to my kid, to my baby girl…dad instincts. Like I said he nods but there’s still this look there. I guess there’s a difference between seeing it happening and knowing.

We drive to the University hospital and Dad drops us off while he and Angie are going to do whatever. She’s on shift this morning I think she had her scrubs and stuff in a bag with her. I kiss them both on the cheeks before they pull off and Angie hugs Taylor and me while our menfolk shake hands and slap each other on the shoulders. I don’t really get that whole why guys act like that and it’s just another reason I guess that I’m really glad I’m not a guy.

It takes us awhile even though we’re an hour early there the changes in his medical stuff about me and being his next of kin and filling out the insurance forms and stuff. Taylor’s getting more and more tense as more people show up in various states of their cancer treatments. I can feel him shaking somewhat. It’s still a hospital and it’s seeing a specialist so there’s quite a line up and everything, still that long waiting. I get out of my chair and sit on his lap and start kissing with him.

Doctor Clarke actually comes and gets us right at the start of things early and takes us to his clinic area. “I’m going to be sending you for a priority group of tests right now Taylor Dr. Hendricks the specialist wants a fresh look at everything and we’re going to go from there.” He looks at very seriously and actually smiles “Unless things have really gone downhill in there Taylor, I think we might actually have good news.”