Chapter 9

Beginning to get ready to go home and say goodbye to friends. More strange dreams.

Sunday, July 26

In the wee hours of the morning, I dreamed. It was a huge wedding in a cathedral. Everybody there looked rich. I was in a half-acre wedding gown, standing next to a healthy, grown-up Roger, who was grinning that silly grin of his. I could see my folks in the front pew, mom weeping and smiling. The Camerons were in the other front pew. Kelly was my maid of honor. The best man had a brush cut and a short beard, and used a cane. It was Sarah! Then the minister, Rev. McGrail, looked at me, and said, "Mark, are you sure you want to go through with this?" I was still shaking my head "no" when I woke up.

I was awake early. I slipped out of my nightgown and showered–the water felt good against my bare body. One thing I liked about the shower is that I could look down, turn my hands palm-up and pointed downwards, and see who I really was. Less than a week to go, I thought as I dried myself and pulled on my padded panties, bra, and pantyhose, and I could be me again. Yet, as I shaved and put on my foundation makeup, I wondered if I would ever be the old me again. So much had happened. So much had changed. Yet I didn't feel bad about it. I felt bad about disappointing Kevin, sure, and I was still nervous that I could be exposed publicly, but being here with Sarah was where I wanted to be. And yes, as I slipped on my blouse and the blue-flowered skirt that mom had brought me back in Fort Russell, being Annie was fun. And not just fun, but important. Would I ever get the chance to try on another person, to create somebody like Annie? Maybe I should try drama, I thought, as my blue nails manipulated the diamond studs into my ears. The drama kids at school seemed like kind of an in-group, but they did hold tryouts. Too bad that the drama coach would never know that I lived my starring role for six weeks. Well, maybe not too bad.

"Hi, sleepy," I smiled over at Sarah, who had just turned over in bed, scrunched up her face and squinted open her eyes. "Aunt Fran will be here in about forty five minutes to pick me up for church. Wanna come? I'll help you get ready."

"Morning, sweetie," she said. "Would it be okay if I just sleep in? Between the drugs and the workouts in PT, I really need the rest. I'm glad you're wearing that skirt, by the way–it's thoughtful to your mom. Be sure to say hi to Barbara for me." I made a mental note to do that, and to be sure to ask Rev. McGrail to drop by during the week so Sarah Beth and I could say goodbye to her privately. She had been a real help to both of us, both in her counseling and in talking with Kevin.

"Sure, kid," I said. "But how about lunch together? She wants to take us out."

She motioned for me to come closer, so she could talk softly, and not be overheard. "I had a wonderful time with your mom yesterday while you were gallivanting around with that cowboy, and you didn't have much time with her at all. So why don't you and her have some good mother-daughter time–mother-son time–whatever–and I'll do fine on my own.

"You're not unhappy about the Camerons taking so much of my time this weekend, are you?" I asked with concern.

"No, silly. What you did for them last night may have provided one of Roger's last really happy memories. I like the Camerons, too, you know. Really, I am just tired. I didn't want to spend 6 weeks without you, but a few hours by myself will be fine. I do love you, you know."

"Annie, or Mark?" I teased gently.

"Both, silly." She had leaned up far enough to give me a peck on the cheek.

"Quiet time it is, then," I said as I went back to finish my makeup. "And I love you, too. But do me a favor. We should be back by 2:30 at the latest. Wear something nice, put on your new hair and the dangly diamond earrings. I don't have anything particular in mind yet, but at least I want Aunt Fran to take some pictures of you looking terrific."

Sarah agreed. "But I'll never look as foxy as you did last night, girl," she teased.

"I could be wearing last night's outfit, makeup, and all, and you could sit there in old gym clothes, without your hair and without your leg, and you'd still be the prettiest one in the room," I said honestly.

"Don't forget your hair, by the way," my girl friend said.

"I wasn't forgetting it. I was just getting ready to put it on now." I reached for my old wig.

Mom came in about that time. We explained to her that Sarah was staying here, and that we'd meet her after lunch. Mom just smiled, and said, "Get your rest, Sarah." Mom let me drive. It felt pretty good to be behind the wheel again. Since my skirt was kind of long, I was glad mom brought the minivan and not my jeep, with its clutch. On the way, mom looked over at me and mentioned how nice I looked. "Sometimes when I'm with you I forget it's really Mark in there," she said. "I've known you as a boy for 17 years, but it just seems as natural as can be that you're my daughter now. Dad still feels awkward about it, but I'm really glad that I've gotten to know Annie."

"I'm glad to be Annie right now," I warned. "But don't be in for a letdown next week when it's just me again. Okay?" I wondered if I would experience a letdown, too.

"Okay," mom said. "Fair enough. I'll miss Annie, but I'll also be delighted to have Mark back." Church was fine. Rev. McGrail hugged us both at the door, and promised to come by during the week. One nice thing about a university town is that there are a lot of good places to eat. We found a small café that had sidewalk dining. Mom had a grilled chicken salad and I had a taco salad. Still suffering salsa withdrawal. The outside table gave us a little privacy, so I could tell mom about the incident with Kevin. I found myself almost crying, as I described his disappointment and Sarah's defense of me.

"I really would like to do what he does, mom. I've always wanted a job helping people, and my experience with Sarah and her illness has really helped me focus. I just hope that I didn't blow my chances on getting into the program. It's the only one in the state, you know. I have the grades for it."

"You've made a good choice," mom said. "It's a job that really fits who you are. My hunch is that Kevin will get past his anger and will let you in the program, and that maybe he'll even realize that your experiences as Annie will help you relate to clients better. And even if he doesn't, maybe you could go to school out-of-state." We talked about a bunch of other stuff, and had a great time. Sarah had been right that mom and I should have some private time together. At one point, she put on her concerned look and said, "I hope you don't have too many problems with re-entry. Taking off the blue nails and putting you back into jeans and tees is the easiest part."

"Yeah," I said. "There's my dainty eyebrows and the extra holes in my ears, too."

"Even more than that, though, is the fact that you've been living as Annie for so long, that the way you move your hands, the way you cock your head to the side and smile as you listen, all that's coming so natural that you might slip later." I quickly straightened my head, frowned, and balled my fists. "Your dad suggested that we go on a camping trip for a few days before you spend a lot of time in public as Mark. What do you think? You've always enjoyed camping, and you can get reacquainted with Gordo." Gordo was my name for my battered old mountain bike.

"That might be a good idea, mom," I said. "Sarah and Julie have both teased me that I've become more feminine than Julie ever was. "But I don't want to be gone too long. I'm afraid Sarah Beth will have a tough time transitioning, too, and she may need me. She's not real self-conscious around Hope Haven or the hospital, since there are a lot of other teens around who are sick or in rehab. She wants to go home, but I think it scares here a lot, too. So maybe just a single overnight at the Fort?" Mom agreed.

We went back, and Sarah was dressed, looking great, and ready to greet us. Mom, as I anticipated, pulled out her camera. As we left the building, the Camerons were all up, so we invited them to join us. Since there was a cool breeze blowing from off the mountains, we went out for a walk along the river path. Sarah rode in her wheelchair, but brought her four-pronged cane so she could practice some outdoor walking. She hadn't used the cane much before, so it gave her good practice. Everybody enjoyed ice cream at a shop along the way. After we got back, Sarah and I kissed mom goodbye. The Camerons remarked to her what wonderful nieces she had, and she agreed, smiling. Then mom left for Fort Russell.

Some more kids came in this afternoon. We got acquainted and tried to be friendly. It was funny, but we both held back a little bit. I guess it was because we had less than a week left at Hope Haven. Or maybe we were just tired. Try exhausted.

Monday, July 27.

I took Sarah Beth to therapy today. My top was striped, three shades of pink and white. I had on pink shorts to match, and Sarah Beth made sure to tie a large pink ribbon in the back of my wig. I didn’t think too much about it until I got to PT, then I felt self-conscious, because I knew that Kevin knew who I really was. Kevin must have felt the same way, because he worked hard to stay away from me. Kevin had said that he wouldn’t tell, but every time somebody looked at me, I wondered deep inside if they knew they were looking at a boy in pink. I worked with Sarah, as her Healing Partner, not as a PT volunteer. After awhile, I noticed that across the room Mrs. Cameron and Kevin were having a discussion. Neither looked happy. Finally, Mrs. C came over. "Annie, Mr. Carter said that you were no longer in the volunteer program. Roger was crushed. I don’t want to take time away from your sister. But, if we go into the pool later this morning for water therapy, could you work with Roger, just as a friend?"

"If it’s okay with Kevin, I’d love to, Mrs. Cameron," I said. And we did. After we changed into our swimsuits, Sarah, I, Mrs. C, and a PT aide all helped get Roger into the special flotation and safety equipment that he needed. It was neat that Sarah could help. The buoyancy of the water helped her do the job, and being able to help someone else did something for her morale, too. We all enjoyed the water, Roger and Sarah got good exercise, and we did a little splashing, too.

After PT, I helped Sarah back to Hope Haven for lunch. Then we went out to the river bank to enjoy the nice day. Again, Sarah covered most of the distance in her chair, but got up to walk around with her cane. She even walked half the distance back. We passed a little earring and accessory store, and Sarah insisted on going in. "I want to buy something for you," she said.

"But I won’t have much chance to wear it, remember?" I protested. She worked so hard to get up the step and into the store, that I gave up. Stubborn was Sarah’s middle name. What she had seen was a sweet pair of earrings with a tiny Tigger character dangling and waving from each.

"You’re going to wear your favorite outfit home Saturday–the Tigger romper. And these will look so cute with it."

"Yes, ma’am," I replied obediently. She also brought me a pair of tiny hoops, just big enough to circle between the lowest holes and the bottom of my ear lobes.

"Unisex," she said softly. "Mark can wear them."

"Yes, ma’am," I said again. "Mark and I both will enjoy them. Thanks, Sarah."

It was a good thing we enjoyed ourselves during that early afternoon break. Chemo affected her more–and quicker–than usual. After we got back to our room, she closed herself in the bathroom and hurled. After she cleaned up and came back out, she moaned "One thing about all this. I’ve barfed more than enough for one lifetime. I will never, never be tempted to become bulimic." We did what we usually do after a rough reaction to the chemotherapy. We sat next to each other on the bed, with my arm around her shoulders and her head on my chest until she felt comforted enough to lay down and sleep. "Thanks," she murmured. "These will be my worst memories of being here, but my best memories of Annie. You are so good to me."

I just smiled, kissed her on the forehead, and tucked her in. I told her that I might wander a little. When she was sleeping soundly, I went back over to Children’s Hospital. Roberta had been transferred out of cardiac care and was in a regular room. Roberta, her mom, and I all hugged. Roberta giggled when I told her about my date with Roger, and when she saw my new Tigger earrings. The little girl looked better, although her color was still a bit gray and pale. Her mom told me that they might go back to Hope Haven by the end of the week, so they could be close, just in case a heart would become available.

"Promise you’ll come see me when I get my new heart?" Roberta insisted.

"I wouldn’t miss it," I said truthfully. "And someday you’ll be all well and maybe we can play together, or ride bikes."

"I’ve never been able to ride a bike before. I’d love that!" She said. Sounds like Annie will be making some guest appearances.

Roberta had a roommate, a six year old with liver problems. I asked if they both liked stories, and pulled out a Winnie the Pooh book that I had borrowed from Hope Haven. I had them giggling so hard with my Tigger imitation that a nurse came and looked in the doorway.

After I left the hospital and checked on sleeping Sarah, I had time to get a little bike riding in after supper. I just had a scarf over my head and under my helmet, but I was sure to tape the long ribbons to the inside of my helmet for my Hope Haven fans. When I got back, Sarah Beth was still sleeping it off.

Tuesday, July 28

I started to put on the Westland tee that Julie had given me, but Sarah Beth reminded me of my promise to wear all the clothes at least once. We settled on a frilly white blouse with a flower pattern–another gift of Aunt Claire that Julie wouldn’t have been caught dead in. I couldn’t wear the green shorts with that, so I ended up with a gray pleated skirt. Of course, that meant panty hose, something I had usually been able to avoid, except for Sundays and other formal occasions. Flats, some dangle bracelets, a small butterfly pin on the blouse, and a white hair band in my wig set off the outfit. It bothered me that since Kevin found out my secret, I have ended up looking even more feminine than before. Mrs. Cameron commented on how nice I looked, as we ate breakfast together, and Roger agreed totally and wholeheartedly. He just kept smiling at me.

In the afternoon, Sarah had a lot of tests–as her healing partner, I kept her company. She had blood work, all kinds of scans, x-rays, all kinds of poking and prodding. Nobody said much of anything then, but her oncologist told her that things were still looking good, and they would have a full report for her parents and us on Friday afternoon–that report would determine the future course of treatment.

Before supper, I changed into a plaid skirt and a frilly blouse, pantyhose and flats, just because I hadn’t worn the skirt and blouse before, and I had promised to try everything once. And if I wore it to supper, I wouldn’t have to wear it all day later in the week. Everybody said I looked nice, and two people asked if I had gone to a parochial school. After supper, we watched a Disney video together with some of the younger kids, and then went upstairs.

"Just think," I said, after I changed into my nightie. "The six weeks is almost up. We get to go home Saturday morning!" I watched Sarah’s face closely, hoping to see enthusiasm. Instead I saw worry. "What’s wrong?" I asked. "You don’t want to go home?"

"Of course, I want to go home, Annie. And I want to get away from chemo. It makes me miserable. I want to be back with my family, and in my own room. But in a way I’m afraid to go home. Here, I’m just one of dozens, or hundreds, of sick kids. At home, I’ll be the bald, one-legged girl, the only one in town, as far as I know. I’m just not sure I can handle the stares. Or the pity. When you go back, you get to be yourself again. I’ve never been this self before–there, anyway. At school, I mean. I know that I was home for a few weeks before we came to Hope Haven, but I’m really scared of going back to school this fall." Tears were running down Sarah’s cheeks.

I sat down next to her and hugged her like I do when she has chemo blues. There wasn’t much I could say. Her fears were real. It would be tough going back to school. I just tried to reassure her the best I could. "I know it won’t be easy, Sarah Beth. Kids can be jerks sometimes. And sometimes when something makes them uncomfortable, they’ll say stupid things when they don’t mean to."

"Some kids will be afraid of me, too," she said flatly.

"Afraid?"

"Yeah. I’m a living reminder that normal kids can get sick and have terrible things happen to them. I remember feeling really awkward after Betsy McCain broke her back in a car accident back in 6th grade. After she came back to school in a wheelchair, I was really uncomfortable around her. Part of it was not wanting to say something stupid. When I talked it over with mom, she helped me realize that part of it was just being afraid." She was talking slowly and quietly.

"That helped, didn’t it?" I asked. "You and Betsy get along okay. But do you know what? You are strong. Remember what I told that snotty kid back in the department store six weeks ago? I still believe it. You’re a winner, Sarah Beth. You’ll stay one. And I’ll be with you every step of the way."

We hugged awhile longer.

Wednesday, July 29

Today, dressed in my green shorts and sherbet top again, I went over to PT with Sarah Beth and the Camerons. I was surprised to see the prosthetics team there to do a final checkup on their work. After they watched Sarah walk, they asked her to remove her prosthetic leg. They measured her, and her leg, and then kept it to make adjustments. The rest of the morning, Kevin and an associate gave her a refresher course on using crutches, on getting up from the ground with only one leg, and a lot of other skills for her to use whenever she needed to. There might be times she couldn’t use her new leg, and she had to know how to get around without it. She agreed to leave the prosthesis there, and work with her crutches until after chemo this afternoon. So we started back to Hope Haven, with Sarah crutching and me pushing her empty wheelchair."

We had just walked out into the hot summer day when I heard a familiar voice behind us. "There you are! I was hoping to track down you beautiful ladies." We turned and saw Kelly Cassidy’s scarred but smiling face. Even though it was a hot day, Kelly was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved plaid shirt to cover some of her scars. We all hugged like crazy. "I just got off the bus a few minutes ago, and came looking for you. I have a checkup and evaluation this afternoon, to schedule my next round of plastic surgery. But I really wanted to see you and how you’re doing."

"Great," I said. "How long will you stay?"

"Mrs. Berdugo okayed me to spend the night at Hope Haven, and I catch the morning bus out tomorrow. You two are looking great! But your hair’s brown now, Annie. Is that the natural color? And those nails are fantastic. I like the new color and the new shape. And Sarah, you seem to be missing a spare part, but you look great, anyway." It was hard to believe how quiet and introverted Kelly was when we first met her.

We explained the drill about Sarah’s leg to her, and I showed her why my hair was now brown, and was no longer firmly attached to my head. Then she wanted to know about my date with Roger. I promised to show her some snapshots that my mom and Mrs. C had taken, and maybe even try on the dress for her. "But no matter what you say, I’m not marrying the dude," I insisted. Sarah sat down in the wheelchair for crossing the street to Hope Haven. Before we went in for lunch, we sat on a quiet part of the porch awhile to finish catching up on our lives.

"I see nobody’s figured out your little game of pretend, Annie," Kelly slyly grinned. "I’m really glad."

"Well, Kevin figured it out," I admitted, "Sort of accidentally, like you did. He found out that I wasn’t really Julie, and asked who I was. He figured I was a girl friend. Sarah told him. He was really upset, but he finally agreed to keep it a secret. I’m afraid it might have blown my chances to study physical therapy under him, though."

Sarah interrupted. "But Mark–Annie–he said that he wouldn’t hold it against you if you applied. We talked him into that, I thought."

"True, and my grades are good enough to get in, but I can’t really afford it without a lot of scholarship help, and just ‘not holding it against me’ won’t get me those dollars." I looked back to Kelly. "You know we’ve been planning forever to get married after we finished college. The Camerons may give Sarah Beth scholarship help from their foundation. I had hoped that if I could get a full-ride in PT, maybe we could get married before college, instead. Then you could be our bridesmaid that much earlier."

"Uh," Kelly began. "I wanted to talk to you about that, but I was kind of afraid to bring it up. It was really sweet of you to ask, but I’m kind of scared about doing that. Standing up in front of a lot of people I don’t know, looking like this, well, I’m afraid it would take attention away from the bride and everything. I’d love to come to your wedding, though, whenever it is. You have other friends who would be much prettier in a bridesmaid’s dress, don’t you?"

Sarah’s eyes met Kelly’s. "Most of my friends flaked out after I got cancer, Kelly. You and Annie were there for me and hung with me. You’re a very important person in my life now, and I want it to stay that way. If you’re uncomfortable being in front of a crowd, I’ll understand that, because I think I’ll feel uncomfortable swaying and limping down the aisle as the bride. But just stay open to the idea, will you?"

Kelly’s eyes, Sarah’s eyes, and mine all misted over as the two girls hugged. About then, Mrs. Cameron, the man from the ranch who had been helping Roger, and Roger all came back from PT. "Kelly! Here are some folks I want you to meet!" We had a great time at lunch together, all six of us. Sarah Beth and I didn’t connect with all the ranch talk, but it was fun seeing the others telling stories about people they knew. Kelly’s dad and mom had worked on the Camerons’ ranch before Kelly was born, so she had heard stories about it. After lunch, Kelly, Sarah, and I went up to our room. I had just enough time to put on the blue evening dress and the new wig, and to show Kelly the jewelry. She was duly impressed, even without seeing all the makeup and everything.

I quickly changed, this time into the bandanna skirt and white blouse. It sometimes got chilly in the area where they give chemotherapy treatments. We walked back over together with Kelly, who went on to see her own doctor in the burn unit. About the time we went back from the waiting area, we saw the Cameron crew come out after Roger’s treatment. The children’s hospital really tries to be cheerful and children-friendly, and all the staff wears really informal, bright outfits. But Disney characters on the walls and on the staff’s scrubs, and really helpful, cheerful staff can only go so far. Chemo is still the pits, and I’m not even the one hooked up to the IV’s of poison. At least there was only one more bout of it left–for this round, at any rate. After chemo, we went back to PT so Sarah could get her leg back.

When we made our way back, we heard Kelly talking with Mrs. Cameron. Roger was already sleeping off his treatment. It was clear that Mrs. C was impressed with our friend. We joined in the conversation for a while, and listened to Kelly explain the next steps in her surgery. She seemed discouraged. "They finally admitted that my scarring is bad enough that even with more and more surgery they’ll reach a point of diminishing returns. They can only go so far, I guess, so I’d better get used to it."

Sarah Beth nodded. "When I started with my prosthetic leg here, I just knew that after a while I could walk perfectly. Nobody told me that, but I just assumed. Then after a few weeks of hard work, I got really discouraged. I figured that I would never be able to walk just like I used to. It was hard to accept, and I’m not sure I can completely accept it now."

Mrs. Cameron then talked about how tough it was on her as a mother to have her son in such a terrible condition. With all that, I was afraid to mention my fears that my eyebrows might not grow out like they used to be. Mrs. C wanted to go check on Roger. We all agreed to go get ice cream together after supper.

Sarah, Kelly, and I went back onto the porch. I was trying to figure out how to get the conversation going in a less discouraging mode, but Kelly took a new track herself. "You know," she said. "I might be your bridesmaid after all, if you two promise something for me."

"Sure, Kelly. What?" I asked, innocently.

"Let me give you a little background before I ask you to promise. I’m dating."

I was astonished, but tried not to show it. I immediately thought it would have to be either a special guy who would look beyond her scars, or a sleazebag trying to take advantage of her, figuring she’d have low self-esteem and be desperate for love. I wondered if Sarah was thinking the same thing. Kelly continued. "His name’s Dan. I’ve known him for years, because his family works on the same ranch. He joined the Navy a few months before the fire, and we’d been writing back and forth. The only times he was back on shore leave, I’d be here in treatment. He got to see me when I looked a lot worse than I do now and was full of pain meds and babbling and stuff, but he kept on writing. He’s served his hitch now, and he’s come back. He’s not pushing himself on me, but he has dropped some hints that we should think about a future together, and how many kids I’d like, and things like that."

"Oh, Kelly, that’s wonderful!" Sarah chirped. I nodded. It sounded like he might be the real thing. "So what do you want us to do?" Sarah asked.

"I would like you two to be my bridesmaids," she said.

"Uhh, aren’t you forgetting something?" I asked. "Wouldn’t it be better if I were a groomsman or an usher or something?"

Sarah looked at me and giggled. "You’d be a great bridesmaid, Annie."

"But…" I started. "You’re not just teasing, are you?"

Kelly looked right into my eyes. "No, I’m not teasing. I’ve only known you as Annie, not as Mark. You’re special to me the way you are right now. Nobody but you, Sarah, and I would know. When I saw you in the party dress earlier, and realized all that you had done for Roger Cameron, I knew you would have the guts to do it for me. I was afraid to ask you before that, but I would like Annie and Sarah Beth to stand up with me. I know it scares you, Annie, but it scares me to be up in front of people looking like this, too. If we get married, it won’t be a big, formal wedding. It’ll probably even be outdoors at the ranch. But no matter what, I would like you two–as Sarah Beth and Annie–to be there for me."

I looked over at Sarah. She looked at me and nodded. Ganged up on again. "Okay, Kelly. If you’ll be our bridesmaid, we’ll be your bridesmaids.

Sarah got up and hugged me. "Thanks, Annie!" she said. The strangest things .make that woman happy.

After supper, we joined the Cameron group to go on an ice cream expedition. There’s a great campus ice cream parlor that’s not wheelchair accessible inside, but it does have some sidewalk table. We were all able to climb in to the Camerons’ big Lincoln SUV. Roger’s attendant let us all out, went to find a parking place, and joined us later. I splurged on a double chocolate sundae, and the others got delightful looking goodies, as well.

As we were finishing the treat, Roger looked at me slyly. "Annie, is this our second date?"

"Sure, Roger," I said.

Then Kelly came in. "Roger! I thought you were dating me tonight!"

"I guess you’re dating three women at once, Roger," Sarah Beth chimed in.

Roger grinned. "I guess I can handle that."

Sarah Beth, Kelly, and I all went to the lady’s room before we left. I told them an idea. They agreed. When we came back, as the driver went to get the SUV, I excused myself to make a quick trip to the drug store up the street, to pick up a tube of the reddest lipstick I could find. Sarah and I had just worn a light frost on our lips, and Kelly didn’t have any lipstick on. So we all three reddened our lips, and kissed our date. Sarah left lip prints on his right cheek. Kelly put some on his left. I lifted his Stetson and planted a big one on his forehead. Roger was laughing and blushing so hard you could barely see the lip prints!

Thursday, July 30

I dreamed again last night–Sarah, on her crutches and wearing bright red lipstick, gave me, Annie, a long, delicious kiss. Then Kelly, wearing bright red lipstick, gave me another. Things blurred. I turned and looked in a mirror. I was on crutches, and had only one leg. I was covered with scars. I was trying to turn around to look at the girls again, but I stumbled on my crutches and fell. Then I woke up, bolted upright, the top of my yellow nightgown covered in sweat. After my breathing returned to normal, I got up and went in to wash. If I had finished turning around in my dream, would Sarah and Kelly have been healed? I hoped so, but I guess I would never know for sure.

I wore my yellow shorts and top today, and took Sarah over for physical therapy. I felt a little more comfortable in Kevin’s presence today, and again we enjoyed the water therapy with Sarah and Roger Cameron. We had to be back at Hope Haven at noon, because Rev. McGrail–Saint Barbara of the Holy McGrail–as I jokingly call her–had made arrangements to take us to lunch. I was a bit surprised when she took us to her house, rather than to a restaurant, but she wanted us to be comfortable in talking without worrying about anyone overhearing. We had delicious burritos, and we updated her on everything that had happened recently. She led us into discussing all the transitions we would be making–Sarah Beth back to her home environment and school, and me back to my masculine role. She assured us that we both had the inner strength to deal with whatever problems may come. We talked about our future plans, and our hopes of coming here for school.

"Please come here for school!" the minister insisted. "And please come to my church! You will both have a very good friend here waiting for you–me."

On our way back, she looked at us appraisingly, and said, "Annie–uh, Mark, you’ve been through a lot over the past few months, and I don’t think that anything is going to stop you from having a full, joyous life together. Mark, you went along with Sarah and Julie’s plan and have lived as Annie all this time. I imagine you’re looking forward to being Mark again."

"Yes, ma’am," I responded.

"You’ve received a very special gift," she told me. "You’ve experienced life from a totally different perspective. Now, you haven’t had a period or gotten pregnant, but other than that, you’ve really become Annie. Even if you never put on Annie’s clothes again, that experience will change you, for the better, I think. You will always have Annie with you, in the way you relate to other people, and in the way you love Sarah Beth and she loves you." She chuckled. "Sorry. End of sermon. Occupational hazard. But God bless you both."

After we got back, Sarah rested and I went down and played with some of the younger kids for a few minutes. I wondered if I could have related to them as easily if I had been Mark. I hoped that I would. When I saw that Sarah was still sleeping soundly, I kissed her cheek, changed into my bicycling gear, and taped the red and blue ribbons to the pink helmet one last time. I called Roberta’s room at the hospital and asked her mother if Roberta could get out of bed to look out the window. Her mom said she could, so I asked for her to watch for me on the street and sidewalk that they could see from her room. Then I went out, after inviting the younger kids to watch me as I showed off, then I went down the block and across the street, and did a few laps, jumps, and twirls, streamers trailing behind, and looking up and waving. After that, I went down to the river walk to get some exercise and to think through all that had happened, and how I had changed. Yes, most of the time I wanted to go back to being Mark. But like my friend the minister had said, I will always have Annie with me.

After I returned, Sarah was awake. I discussed an idea with her, she agreed, and so after supper I took her over to Roberta’s room. I had changed back into my regular clothes, but I put on the pink helmet and the ribbons for my trip over.

"Annie!" Roberta squealed in delight. "I saw you! I saw you! You were silly. Hi, Sarah."

We talked a bit. I told Sarah that we would be going home soon, but that we would come back when she got her new heart. "Remember what I said about you being able to ride a bike someday?" I asked. She nodded. "Well, I have a present for you. You can have this helmet and these ribbons." Sarah Beth unclipped the ribbons from my wig and fastened them to the tiny girl’s hair. I placed the helmet on, and it went down over her nose. "It doesn’t fit now, but someday it will. And all good bicycle riders know how important it is to wear a helmet. I have another one at home, but this one can be yours. Okay? And when you’re a big girl and can ride for miles and miles, you can remember silly old Annie."

She nodded and smiled. "Thank you, silly old Annie. I love you."

"I love you, too, Roberta."