Don’t Blame Me I’m A Martian.

I stared at “that” tattooed on my arm through the haze of a hangover. Amy, my girlfriend or my on again off again girl friend was asleep mildly snoring on the other arm. And it was dead, no feeling in it completely asleep.

I tried to focus and dimly remembered her and her sister Nina and some of our friends getting really drunk last night at the carnival with the yummy mixture of 7-Up and lemon gin. There was a heavy metal like tricked out school bus out in the parking lot and the guy in it was doing tattoos.

I’m not so sure how my mom and dad were gonna take it. If I was lucky and if dad was lucky if you know what I mean then he might be in a good enough mood to just take the tattoo for what it says and laugh it off. Mom…oh yeah I can so see the list of chores piling up now.

Hell she’d definitely try this as a case for why I should be forbidden to see Amy anymore. Amy is my very first girlfriend and she went one of two ways. Y’know love her because I brought a girl over to the house for her to meet or hate her because she’s bad for me.

She’s pretty dead set on disliking Amy. It’s kind of insulting that she can’t figure out why Amy’s going out with me. I get it I do. I’m short about five foot five and I weigh just around one hundred and thirty pounds. I’m skinny like most of the family but that’s sort of compounded on the fact that I’m into sports.

No I’m not the skinny geek you see on so many of these stories, I’m small but I’m a jock I guess. I play soccer because it keeps me in awesome shape for my main sport. And being a North Jersey boy naturally that’s hockey. I’m a right winger. Actually I play a lot of stuff just Hockey is my thing. I love baseball too. I had to drop it though because of my class schedules. I hated that and so did dad but mom was really not gonna give on that point and I had to drop the team. I still go to games with dad, y’know support the guys and all of that and the first thing we to on summer vacation is go to a Jackals game. Then it’s off to the grandparents place for the summer here in Ocean City. I still go with dad to the batting cages and we still pick up a pack of baseball cards every time we stop anywhere for gas.

I wasn’t tall enough to compete on the court in basket-ball even though I’m fast and actually not bad I’m better at street ball though and then there’s the fact unless you’re really good in basketball and football or really big then the teams for those are mostly made up of black kids. And despite what a lot of people are going to say there more than a few parents and a few other unsavory members who really object to a white kid taking a spot on those teams from they’re kids. Actually the guys on the teams themselves aren’t too bad. But really the whole black on white thing hasn’t been a huge issue since 911.

It’s really too bad, that people can be such idiots. Not all Islamic people are terrorists and there’s a huge difference between Arab nations and Hindu types. But there’s a lot of people who like to make themselves feel better by shouting stuff and putting other people down. I’m not really into all of that. But Patterson can be a messed up place to grow up. But I bet everyone can say that about their hometown.

I Like Ocean City even though it’s not much of a city. Mostly a tourist trap but it’s cool because every summer the whole fam-damnly gets together here and we have a pretty good time.

My Uncle Charlie has a RV dealership in Trenton and he’s provided six of those tent trailers the wind up kind over the years for all of us older kids to sleep in. Amy was a local girl who I’ve been hooked up with since we were thirteen. I’m fifteen now and still kind of look like a fifteen year old, it kind of sucks but it doesn’t bother Amy. I’m lucky as shit really Amy is five seven and is a real looker with big d cups and a smoking hot body. She could have any guy she wants but she’s with me because well one, I’m blessed in the guy department, two I’m a jock and a really good hockey player and three her dad’s a felon, a lifer because he shot a cop and someone else when she was two and he was trying to rob a bank. It’s done stuff to her head and like I said she could have anyone she wanted she just doesn’t fit into the regular person slot. She’s a wild girl, really wild. The first night we met we “hooked up” I know she see’s other guys while I’m away the rest of the year but she’s right there on our patch of beach waiting for me when I arrive.

Mom really doesn’t like her.

I hear grand-dad blow his air horn to wake everyone up for breakfast and I get out of bed and try to work some life back into my hand and arm. I grab my surf shorts and go commando and head to the old garage where dad and my uncles had built us all a set of shower stalls and even a set of his and her bathrooms and a double set of old second hand washers and dryers.

Family vacation rules, the parents are on vacation too. You do your own wash, you earn money by either getting a summer job or signing up for one or more of the chores that are on the sign up board. Actually it’s a bunch of post it pads with the chore written on them and you pull it off with the date on it. You can, make some good cash that way and the parents don’t really have to do much. It really sucks because the kids with their licenses get some of the better jobs. But I get to do that next year.

I walk to the garage and the first damned thing my big brother Jax grabs my arm right by my still very fresh tattoo. “Hey Dylan, what the fuck is that?”
I push him off and take a swing for his head, he ducks it and I catch him with a good shin kick to the meat of his back thigh.
“It’s a tattoo Jack-off, what’s it look like?”

“Ow, fuck…little bastard, Mom’s gonna have a cow yanno.”

“Good we go through enough frigging milk here we need one. Yanno plus BBQ”

“Dude you just said we were gonna eat mom…”

We both kinda look at each other and make faces. And kinda make retching sounds together. Our cousins look at us as we enter and ask “Hey, what’s so funny?”

Jax jabs his thumb my way and grins. “Dill-hole here go his mind in a really filthy hole this morning and talking about eating mom.”

There was a collective bunch of “eeews” and “sicks” from the ensemble in the garage we’ve nick named the spa. Jax and I laugh our asses off. My brothers not a bad guy actually, and we get along surprisingly well. We still call each other names, play fight, and do stuff together. I’ve got a big sister too Jane, to Jane I really don’t exist unless she wants something, hell she ignores most of the family unless she wants something. She the girl of the family and she’s spoiled rotten. Me, I’m the baby of the family.

Well of my family, I’m kind of in the higher end of the middle the kids of the family. And this morning me having a tattoo has just gotten me shifted up a few cool notches.

It’s these almost spray tag shaped letters with “Don’t Blame Me” over-top of a flying saucer then under it is “I’m a Martian” the letters are in blue green and the saucer is blue silver and there’s a murky tinted dome with a pair of lime green alien eyes looking out of it there’s a band that goes around the whole thing made up of stars.

It’s bloody and still kinda gross looking which gives me cool points to the younger kids and they want to touch it. It’s kinda fun feeling like one of the big kids. Only the older guys in the family look at it and smirk and grin and says that explains a lot.

Then Dad saw the tattoo as I joined the line for breakfast. He looked at me and then looked at me again. “I though that you looked a little hung over this morning Dylan, but judging from what I see on your arm you’re definitely hung over.”

“Yuh- huh…still don’t remember getting it.”

“Not good seeing how long something like that’d take. Amy’s idea?”

“No mine, Amy was just there, I can think for myself.”

Jax goes passed and punches me in the ribs. “Yeah and we all know what head was making the decisions last night.”

“Ow! Fucker…”

“Language! Jax! Dylan!....Dylaaaan? What is that on your arm?”

Mom.

Craptastic…

“Uhm it’s a tattoo.”

“I know it’s a tattoo, don’t be flip with me. I want to know what a tattoo is doing on my baby boy?”

“I got it last night at the fair.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Were you drinking?”

“Yeah some, but so was a lot of people.”

“My fifteen year old son isn’t a lot of people, my fifteen year old son is way too underage to be going anywhere near booze.”

She’s pissed and staring me down. She’s giving me that look. That cop look. Yeah mom’s a cop. And she looks really pissed off her arms crossed and the whole bit. Then she looks over to the tent trailer that I use and storms off towards it on the literal warpath.

“Oh, I know who’s behind this fucking fiasco. I’ll tear her head off for this!”

“Mom!” I take off after her trying to head her off before she gets to Amy and does something to ruin a perfectly good relationship. Or sort of relationship.

She gets to the door of the tent trailer and yanks it open. And jumps inside. “Amy!”
I’m yelling. “Mom!” I really lucked out or rather Amy did, she was gone. She split, outta there, sayonara. But that leaves Mom glaring at me. “Dylan…Three hundred dollars.”

See in my family, you don’t get grounded, you get fined. “What?! No way!”

“Three fifty.”

“Mom!”

“Four.”

I lower my head and mumble. “Fine, three.”

“Oh no, sonny Jim it’s four.”

“Dam…” I stop myself before I end up in contempt of parent. God I’ll be forever paying that off. I hate not being sixteen, if I was sixteen I could get a summer job and pay her off sooner. At this rate I’m literally going to be the family slave.

This really isn’t helping my hangover.

Breakfast turned out okay with like the exception of my mood and my upset stomach. I sign on to do the dishes and spend close to two hours doing them, washing, drying, and scraping the bbq grills. I’m kind of not feeling okay and I’m sweaty and dirty and have dish-pan hands. I sign up for taking the garbage out and even to mow the bad sections of the lawn. Yeah we’ve got bad sections, you know those places where the lawn wasn’t a lawn a few years ago they just bush mowed it and tossed a ton of grass seed over it to choke out everything that used to live there. Its hell on you if you’re in sneakers or sandals I’m smart enough to slip on a pair of work boots. I swear that they weight twenty pounds each by the time that I’m done the lawn. Then raking…By lunch I’m ready to toss my cookies at just the thought of food.

The smell of hot dogs is actually making me feel sick to my stomach. I head to my tent trailer and strip the beds and get my laundry and head to the Spa and toss my stuff in the laundry and go take a shower.

My chest feels sore and my nipples are feeling a bit puffy? I still don’t feel well. I just dry off and sit on the old sofa there for awhile. I still don’t remember falling asleep. Jax wakes me up and I stare at him blearily.

“Hey, wake up dill-hole.”

“Huh...what?”

“Wake up Dylan it’s supper time?”

“No…it’s dinner.”

“No dipstick it’s almost seven in the evening, you’ve been crashed here for like six hours.”

“I have?”

“Yeah, are you alright?”

“No, I haven’t been feeling good all day.”

I look at Jax and rub some of the sleep out of my eyes. Jax is giving me a funny look. “You are you looking like dogshit on the freeway, C’mon I’m taking you to Aunt Jane.” He helps me off the couch and helps me walk to the main house where everyone is lining up for supper. Again the smell of food is not helping me out any. Jax yells “Aunt Jane! We need some help here!” as a cramp hits me and folds me over.

Then everything spun on me and then there was darkness, darkness only broken up by these weird Technicolor dreams. I see me and Amy partying, us hanging with her and her friends and some of the touristy kids. I flash on us dropping some E and there was some pretty wild dancing and stuff in the moon bounce at the carnival getting us kicked out.

I remember standing up and mooing people on the roller coaster. Then getting in a fight with the guy who stopped the ride. Oh I was kind of being an asshole.

Then walking with Amy on the beach making out when we found this strange necklace, it washed up over my sneakers and it had this flat diamond shaped piece of metal in it and a big what looked like a sapphire in it. I think it glowed when I touched it. Amy loved it and I gave it to her and she started going on about how it’d be cool at the next rave party she went to. But the light went out when I passed it to her. I took it back when she complained about how she might not be making it work right.

I remember staring into it and hearing voices and seeing nothing but blue light until Amy took it away. It went out, she made fun of me for tripping out and I tossed it in the closest trash can.

Weird funky dreams and memories huh?

Then next thing I know I’m inside the main house on the couch with my Aunt looking over me and there’s a damp cloth on my forehead.

“Dylan? Dylan are you still with us?”

“Uhm Yeah…” My voice comes out a croak…Jeezus I’m dry. “What happened, what’s going on?”

“Honey we don’t know? But you look like you were getting pretty sick on us, like a major case of the flu but worse, your temp rocketed there and stuff but we’ve gotten it down and the fever’s broken. You seem okay now but we’re taking you to the hospital.”

“The Hospital, why?”

“We’re not sure what happened but uhm, you’ve been really sick and uhm it looks like you were like allergic to something.”

“Allergic?”

“Yes you were really sick kiddo and there’s some weird swelling going on.”

“Weird swelling?” I’d gulp if I could but I’m really dry.

“Yes honey.” She kind of gently rubs my left nipple area and it’s tender. I look and even through my T-shirt it’s well both of them are puffy and sore.

“I thought it was like the detergent or something.”

“It might be and we thought of that so we’re bringing it with us.”

She looks worried and Dad and Mom look worried which actually gets me worried and some of the others that are around talking and stuff. They’re scaring the hell out of me by the way they are looking at me and I hear them tossing around lovely words like meningitis and stuff. Jax and Hillary both come with us following us to the hospital in Jax’s Firebird.

Then there’s the waiting and Aunt Jane is talking to them about my fever and stuff and that I was babbling and making all these really strange sounds and everything.

Then it’s lab work and a trip to X-ray and then into the ER/OPD department where the doctor on call gives me a going over. God it’s all kinds of embarrassing when I’m there with my shirt off. My nipples and the area around them are all puffy and swollen and it just looks freaky.

Then there’s some more tests…The doctor calls some other doctor…

My stomach starts to growl at me and with the doctors okay saying it’s not allergies Dad has Jax and Hill make a run to Burger King for everyone and to Crispy Cream doughnuts.

I’m blissfully chowing down on my fries and my three whoppers when I overhear Mom and Dad talking to the three yeah scary freak me out three doctors.

“Well Mr. and Mrs. Bishop we can rule out any allergies. Dylan doesn’t really seem to be allergic to anything as far as we’ve tested.”

My Mom. “So why the fever?”

The Doctors. “We’re not sure, we think that part of it might be a toxic reaction or something that came about from his drug use.”

“Drug use!”

“Yes we found trace amounts of Ecstasy in his system.”

Dad… “Honey…he might have had it slipped to him.”
Mom… “That little bitch Amy, when I get my hands on that little skank…”

The doctors… “Mrs. Bishop, that’s still incidental.”

Mom… “What?…What’s wrong with Dylan?”

The Doctors… “What we found is that Dylan is flooded with female hormones. We’ve checked and rechecked and there’s all indications that Dylan is intersexed. We won’t know more until we do and ultrasound to check things out and then there’s a test we want to do to look at his chromosomes.”

Dad… “But it sounds like you’re pretty sure.”

The Doctors… “It’s a rare disorder but one that is being detected more and more as we get better at seeing the signs. We have seen it before though. We’d like to know if there’s anything like this in your family history.”

There’s some silence.

Then some more silence.

I get up and get closer to the waiting room door. I’m intersexed? What the hell does that mean? I’ve got female hormones running through my body? How? Why? I brush against the wall just kind of wrong…ouch!

Oh…Oh…Oh…crap, It kind of hits me right then. It’s not swelling, it’s not an allergy…

I’m growing boobs.

Then I hear it…I hear mom say it.

“Dylan’s adopted.”

And…that’s when I fainted…

Just like a girl.