More vignettes from my childhood.

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I have a few memories from when I was three or four. The first one is from when I first realized that I should have been a girl. I remember thinking that God made a mistake and that I should have been born a girl. I realized that all the toys I wanted to play with (dolls for instance) were for girls and not boys. I had no real interest with playing with toy cars. My Matchbox cars were usually in near mint condition because of that fact. I was never really a rough and tumble kid. I wanted a Dawn doll and got one, for a little while, I also had a Dawn colorform set, where you can change the clothes on the doll forms that was one of my favorite toys.

Around this time, I would walk on the balls of my bare feet pretending that I was walking in high heels. At this time I did not know of the physical difference between the sexes and so I knew I was going to grow up and become a woman.

My mother, when we were visiting her friends on a Sunday would have me stay in the kitchen and hear the women talk. So I learned early about gossip. lol. Of course, the only other choice I had was to go with the men and watch Football (American) on the television. Yuch. As you can tell I was never much into sports.

Another vivid memory I have from this period was walking by a friend's house and an older teen boy called me a fag. I didn't know what that was then, but I realized from the way it was said that it was a bad thing. I guess looking back that it was noticable that I was not really a boy, but a girl in boys clothing. lol

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It's great to know I wasn't the only one...

Andrea Lena's picture

....I haven't thought about Colorforms since I was little; I had the typical animal and shape versions, but I really liked the Barbie one that my sister had. colored vinyl with some designs just put on slick cardboard with Barbie's image. I think that I stopped wanting to wear sandals when a couple of boys made fun of me for wearing 'girls' shoes; I wasn't embarrassed about the shoes...but the insult set me back. The walking on the balls of the feet thing happened once and stopped immediately when my dad slapped the back of my head and called me a jackass. I literally just remembered that as I was writing this note.

Thanks for writing such personal stuff; I know it helps me, and I sure hope it helped you to write it, too.



Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Personal stuff

It does help me to sort through. I loved that colorform set. My fairy godmother gave me. That is what I called my godmother. I figured since Cinderella's godmother was a fairy then mine was too. I remember when I was thirteen and did not feel comfortable calling her that, my godmother asked me to keep calling her fairy godmother. I did until the day she died. Must have made her feel important.