The Vengeance of Dr. Rhino

Sometimes getting even just isn't enough for a supervillain

The Adventures of Dr. Rhino, Supervillain


by Lainie Lee and Erin Halfelven


"I have genetically engineered the common cold virus to extract my revenge on the world, Hip!"

"Que marvilloso! How wonderful! You don't mean it, Doctor! After all these years? What is it you have done?"

"Yes, yes, it isn't perfect but it will have to do. It is an ordinary rhino-virus, one that causes the common cold but I have changed it's genetic material so that it accomplishes my purposes also!"

"Please, Doctor, I can barely understand you when you laugh like that. What specifically does this virus do? Is it lethal?"

"No, of course not! What, do I look like a mass murderer? I'm a supervillain not a monster!"

"Yes, of course. But Doctor if the virus doesn't kill anyone how does it get your revenge?"

"Well, infected cells, mostly in the nose and throat will release two kinds of little tagged protein molecules into the bloodstream as well as making more virus particles."

"Please, Doctor. You are laughing again. Are these protein particles poisonous? They are part of your revenge, yes?"

"Yes! Yes, and brilliantly, if I do say so myself, Hipolito! One of these proteins is similar to an androgen, a male hormone on one end but on the other it has a destructive chemical charge. You see my genius now?"

"Pues, si. Yes, of course, doctor. Brilliant, sure, that is really brilliant."

"Thank you. You have been a good assistant. Gesundheit!"

"Excuse me, doctor. Wait, you are smiling? I have a cold, that is all it is. Isn't it, Doctor?"

"How should I know, there are thousands of different cold viruses. Maybe you have it and maybe you don't."

"I wish you wouldn't laugh like that, Doctor."


"Salud! Ah, perhaps you have the rhino virus also, sir?"

"Perhaps, as I said it isn't fatal so I'm not too worried about it."

"Well. How does it exact your revenge then, exactly?"

"Beautifully. Exquisitely, excruciatingly!"

"It, it is painful then?"

"Not particularly. A little sneezing, some congestion, maybe a sore throat."

"So. It is just a cold?"

"Just a cold? Weren't you listening?"

"Maybe you were laughing when you explained it?"

"Perhaps. No, yes, well, I know I said that it releases protein molecules into the bloodstream and that one of the kinds of proteins is like an androgen on one end and a kind of chemical bomb on the other. It destroys the body's ability to react normally to androgens, male hormones. Yes? You get it now?"

"It will be like castration? Their balls will fall off?"

"You sound like a startled mouse. No, of course not, the testicles, let's use scientific terminology here shall we, Hipolito? We are scientists aren't we?"

"If you say so, Doctor. Then their testicles will fall off?"

"No, no, no. The testicles produce androgens, they don't use them much except for production of sperm."

"It's gonna make us sterile?"

"Pipe down, don't panic. Yes, it probably will make them sterile, us too. Were you planning on having children Hipolito?"

"No. No, I guess not. Still, one likes to keep one's options open. Please don't laugh like that sir, you know that I am a Spaniard and well, my testicles have been pretty important to me up until now."

"Well, Hipolito, one exposure to the rhino virus won't do that much damage, even if you do have it. It's the fact that people catch the same cold over and over again over a period of years. That is what will do the deed and I will have my revenge!"

"If you are going to laugh so loudly, please don't bend so close to my ears, Doctor!"


"Then your revenge is making them sterile?"

"That is only part of it. You see, testicles not only make androgens, they also make estrogens. Males actually make about a quarter to half as much estrogen as women do, it is just that normally androgens suppress the effects of estrogens released by the testicles. Estrogens are female hormones, Hipolito."

"I am almost afraid to ask what is likely to happen to your victims, Doctor."

"They will begin to show the effects of female hormones. Difficulty in achieving erections, lack of copious ejaculate, suppression of chest and body hair, growth of breast tissue and deposit of fat in a feminine pattern. If they are young enough when they get affected they may even be nearly indistinguishable from young women, except for the small penis and testicles they will still have. Oh, and small nipples. Nipple growth in women is triggered by small amounts of androgens released by the female gonads, the ovaries. Hipolito, you look pale."

"Dios en Cielo! God in Heaven! You, you, you are diabolical, Doctor."

"Thank you. Perhaps you should sit down."

"Little boys, all will be growing up to be she-males? And men will grow breasts?"

"Yes. Oh, it won't affect everyone, some people will be immune and some will just not get the infection often enough to get the full effect. I'm not trying to wipe out the human race, you know."

"Gracias a Dios por esta cosa chica! Thank God for this small thing!"

"A little wine to revive you perhaps, Hipolito?"

"Gracias, Doctor. A little."

"It will affect adults, too, making for a calmer and more peaceful world perhaps, no androgenic effects, lowered libido and aggression. Women will be affected also, if they get the rhino plague. Androgens are necessary for women to become fertile and for pregnancies to be carried to term. And for the female libido as much as for the male."

"Worse and worse. A population crash! Doctor, are you sure you are not a monster?"

"Of course I'm not! I could have made a virus that was deadly or did major damage to brain function or something!"

"Please don't laugh! It isn't funny, you know!"

"I'm not laughing out of humor, Hipolito, but out of joy! For there is still the second protein released by infected cells, the one that perfects my revenge!"

"Ay! Madre de Dios! Mother of God! What does the second one do!"

"It induces gonadotropic mammary hyperplasia!"

"Oh, the laughing again! What is that? Please, Doctor, stop laughing!"

"Sorry, sorry. I'm ok now, I'm fine, Hipolito. Put down that syringe. It is just that I am so happy to finally have my revenge after nearly thirty years."

"Doctor, if you don't tell me what this second protein does, I might inject you with something more lethal than your silly rhinoceros!"

"Rhino virus, Hipolito. The cold virus is technically a rhino virus which just means it infects the body through the nose.... Ouch!"

"Stop talking about that! I want to know what the second protein does! What is this gone-to-tropic-mama's-little-plastics?"

"Gonadotropic mammary hyperplasia. You didn't push the plunger on that syringe did you?"

"I don't know, but I might if you don't tell me in plain Ingles what this is!"

"Don't! That vial is filled with another experimental virus I haven't perfected yet!"

"At least you aren't laughing! Digame! Tell me what I want to know!"

"Oh, well, keep calm, Hipolito! GMH is a very rare medical condition in which the mammary tissue, the breasts, grow to enormous size under the influence of the sex hormones!"

"Their chi-chis, their titties gonna get real big?"

"Yes, yes, that's it. Take your finger off the plunger, Hipolito!"

"Doctor, you are one evil cabron, you nasty old goat! That is, that is truly diabolical!"

"I know. I am rather proud of it. Hipolito! You fool! You have injected me with some of the other virus!"

"Perdoname! Excuse me! All of this you have done, for revenge? Make the boys grow titties, big titties? And the girls too? How big?"

"Yes, yes, for revenge! They laughed at me, and I said I would get even if it took me half of forever! Truly big titties, no real limit, Hipolito, they will just keep growing as long as the body has sex hormones! Beach balls! Hassocks! Bathtubs! Buicks! The only way to stop them is to castrate the victim or do a radical hysterectomy on the

"Oh! Your laughing has caused me to inject you yet again, tu doctoro loco!"

"No matter. The first injection was probably sufficient. We are both doomed now, Hipolito, this virus is a retro virus and highly contagious as well."

"Que sera, sera. But Doctor, enormous titties for everyone is your revenge on the world because some boys laughed at you in the fifth grade thirty years ago?"

"Yes! And I will have my revenge! Let them try to throw a baseball around hooters as big as melons! Microwave ovens! Mitsubishi big screen televisions! The Mir Space Station!"

"Ay! Tu eres el doctoro mas loco en todo el mundo! You are the craziest doctor in the whole world!"

"Thank you, Hipolito. It is good to be recognized for my work."

"Thank you for not laughing. Now, this disco virus I have injected you with, what does it do?"

"Retro virus. Well, the same thing really. It is just faster, more contagious and fewer people will be immune. Also it reprograms the cells to produce the virus and the proteins even after the infection is over, so each infected person becomes a plague carrier. And it releases two other proteins for two additional effects."

"Pues, si, este es una cosa muy mala. This may be a very bad thing. What do the two other proteins do?"

"Well, the first reactivates the libido by direct action on the production of cerebro-androgens unaffected by the de-sensitizer protein which can't get through the blood-brain barrier. Sort of supercharges it too, very high libido, sex drive that is."

"They gonna be real horny. And the second?"

"Lowers inhibitions by suppressing cortical functioning in the prefrontal lobes through the production of endocranial toxic aldehydes and esters. The effect is rather like having had six or seven shots of strong liquor but it is permanent!"

"So. Everyone--everyone is going to be horny drunken sluts and she-males with enormous titties?"

"That's about the size of it, Hipolito. Us, too."

"Somos pobrecitos perdidos! We are poor doomed souls! And you may have wrecked the world, tu entiendes que van a pasar en el mundo? Do you understand what will happen to the world?"

"It can't be helped now. But at least I have my revenge!"

"Pobre pendejo loco! Poor crazy fool! Can your revenge be worth so much? Those boys back in the fifth grade, why did they laugh at you? Because you threw a baseball funny?"

"They said I threw like a girl! I fixed them, though, now everyone is going to throw like a girl!"

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