The log in the stove had begun to burn. It lit up the room through the tempered, frosted glass enough to show him Tracy walking towards him. She had a blanket in one hand and Mr. Cuddles in the other. Her hair was flattened on one side and sticking up on the other. She had on a thicker nightgown and flannel pajamas. He smiled at her as she stopped at the couch. The image reminded him of how Troy looked when he had been younger, before their Dad insisted that boys didn't need teddy bears after a certain age. She looked like a small child, security blanket in one hand, bear in the other. “Can we join you?” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He pulled his leg from off the couch and let his sister sit down. She put Mr. Cuddles against her chest, then put her blanket over her and her bear. Vance didn't know why he did what he did, but he reached over and whispered. “Come here.” Then helped her scoot over to his side of the couch, then pulled her against his side. She leaned against him and watched the firelight dancing on the Christmas Tree. “Sorry if I woke you up.” He said in a whisper.

A big thanks to Djkauf for the editing again.

More of Tracy at Christmas time.

Note: The rating has gone up because of Tracy recalling events at Brooke's place

December 24th 1982
Home of William and Maggie Patterson

Tracy sat at the table, peeling the potatoes and thinking about Peter. There was something there, she was sure of it. She loved that smile he got whenever he looked at her and the way he had treated her when he was over, despite her blowup at him half a month earlier. She had wanted to kiss him in the living room but she didn't and now she was kicking herself for it. She was still unsure if she liked girls or not. She had found it hard to not look at Brooke and she had a stirring in her body at the sight of her friend mostly naked. The one thing she was sure of, was that she liked Peter.

Tracy jumped when a hand touched her shoulder. Both peeler and potato went tumbling into the trash can and she sat there, staring at her mother who was fighting the urge to chuckle.

“You in there?” Maggie asked a knowing smile on her lips.

“What? In where?” Tracy asked, leaning forward to retrieve the potato peeler.

“I've been talking to you for five minutes. You've been in a haze since Peter left.” Maggie went back to the counter.

“No I wasn't.” Tracy said as she got up to clean the utensil.

“Really?” Maggie reached in and grabbed the potato Tracy had been peeling and showed it to her. Half of it had been peeled away. “You were working on this one side for the last three minutes alone. I thought you were going to be peeling your hand soon.” She tossed the potato back in the trash can and went to the sink to wash her hands.

“Okay, I'm a little distracted.” Tracy admitted.

“A little? You were more than a little distracted.” Maggie chuckled.

“I've just been thinking about stuff.” Tracy stated.

“Like what stuff?” Maggie asked.

“Like Peter...you know, boys and stuff.”

“Ah, I see. You know, if there's ever anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you. I know life is a bit confusing at your age and trust me, it help to have someone to confide in. Plus in your situation, life will be harder.”

Tracy felt a little weird having a discussion about boys with her mother. But her time in Livermore had shown her that talking about things did help. She went back to her seat and sat down, then grabbed another potato and sighed. “It's...It's kinda hard....” She stopped and looked to her mother. “Mom, when did you know you liked Dad?”

Maggie washed her hands and smiled. “Well, I didn't know at first. We actually dated for about two years before I knew for sure.” Maggie sat down at the table and faced her daughter. “We were good friends, then we became more.”

“And did you ever think maybe...” Tracy bit her lip for a second and summoned the courage to continue. “you liked girls?”

“Ah....well I have female friends, but I don't like them like that. You follow what I'm saying?” Maggie asked.

“Maybe?” Tracy replied, but the confusion on her face said it all.

“There's all sorts of love and like. You can like a movie, but you can't marry it. You can have friends you like, but some you have a deeper connection with and those friends you actually love like they are a part of your family. I love Shelly, but I don't love her like I love your father.” Maggie stated, then she looked at her daughter and asked. “Do you like girls?”

“I don't know. The other day when I was with Brooke, I kinda watched her undress, just because I was curious.” Her eyes seemed to go slightly out of focus, as though she was watching the show again.

“And what did you think?” Maggie asked.

“It's weird. I watched, but I didn't want to, you know, do anything with her.” Tracy replied, although a part of her felt that it may be a lie. She bit her lip and her heart raced a bit.

“I think I can understand that. You want to be a girl. So for you, watching her was just wishing that you looked like that, but there was nothing sexual in it.” Maggie said. She saw something in her daughter's eye, but decided to not push that subject.

“Yeah. It's just like that. I mean her chest isn't big, but she's got one, plus the parts I don't have and none of the ones I do. I like her, but not in that way.” Tracy looked up for a moment, still unsure if that was the truth. “Plus with them holding me all those nights, I never once wanted to...you know...touch them, or stuff like that. But I am kinda curious.”

Maggie nodded. “I see. And what about with Peter? You two were awful close out there in the living room.”

“I...” Tracy bit her lower lip and her gaze went to her lap. “I kinda wished that he would have kissed me.”

“Is that all?” Maggie asked.

“No. I kinda liked being held by him.” Tracy's voice became a whisper. “Before the attack, I kinda had a few dreams about him.” She looked away from her mother. “You know....those kinda dreams.

“Oh.” Maggie tired to keep a straight face, but she failed. “Can I ask something personal?”

“I guess.” Tracy said with a nod.

Maggie leaned back in her chair and watched her daughter closely. “In these dreams, were you a total girl? Or did it not go that far?”

Tracy blushed again and she smiled. “It was a lot of kissing and stuff.” She folded her arms over her chest and hugged her self as she thought about the dreams. “Well, he did feel under my shirt, but that was it.”

“Okay.” Maggie nodded. “But were you as you are now? Or total girl.”

“I was all girl.” Tracy replied, smiling as she did.

“And has he felt you under your clothes, in real life?” Maggie asked. There was no anger in her voice, just the sounds of a concerned mother.

“No. The most he does is hug me.” Tracy replied.

“But you want more?” Maggie asked.

“I used to, before I got hurt.” Tracy's cheek went red once more and she looked to her hands, which she folded and placed in her lap. “I mean I still like him, a lot, but the feelings have died down a little.”

“Sweetie, it's okay. What you're feeling is normal for a kid your age.” Maggie said with a smile. “Plus The doctors said you'd have a decreased sex drive, but you'll still look and want to be touched. That's part of being human.”

Her preteen mind heard it all, but it stuck on one word and she panicked. “But I've never had sex.” Tracy looked at her mother. “I haven't even been naked in front of another person, other than the doctor and you and Dad.”

Maggie paused for a moment, trying to figure out where the outburst had come from. “Where did that come from?” She asked.

“You were talking about sex and being touched and stuff.” Tracy said.

Maggie chuckled. “I said sex drive.” She got up and went to her daughter, then pulled her into a hug. “Sex drive is different then sex. The drive is how much you want it.”

“Oh.” Tracy sat there for a moment. “So I can have sex, but I may not have the want to have it?”

“Well, yeah.” Maggie said. She let go of the hug and stood up so she could see her daughter. “But you better wait, young lady. You're just eleven. That's a bit young to even think about sex.”

“I...” Tracy looked up at her mother and all traces of humor were gone from her face. “I don't want him seeing me like this.” She said. “I don't want anyone seeing my body like it is right now, not in a sexual way.”

“I understand.” Maggie leaned back over and kissed her cheek. As she stood up, she pointed at her and in the motherly tone stated. “But you know, as a mother, it's my job to keep my daughter pure and innocent.”

Tracy smiled at her and picked the potato up again. “Mom?” She asked as Maggie went back to the counter.

“Yes dear?”

Tracy held the peeler to the potato, but didn't start working on it yet. “Is the sex drive the thing that makes Vance do all that stuff around Sage? You know, how he puffs out his chest and how he tries to open doors and does all that stuff for her?”

Maggie laughed and looked at her. “No, sweetie. That's just him being a man. You can't fault him for that. Just wait till you get older and all the boys are circling you, strutting like peacocks and almost willing to do any stupid little thing to catch your attention.”

Tracy giggled at her mother. “You mean he's going to do that for a while? This could be fun.”

“You have no idea.” Maggie said as she started her work again.

~o~O~o~

William came home around noon, when the mill shut down for a week long rest. He walked into the kitchen to find his wife working on making a pie and his daughter was scooping cookie dough out onto a cookie sheet. “Hello, ladies.” He said as he went to the 'fridge and pulled out a can of soda.

“Daddy!” Tracy put the spoon down and went to her father, lifting her chin and holding out the necklace that Peter had given her. “See what I got!”

“That's nice. Who gave it to you?” He asked.

“Peter! He came over and gave it to me before he went to his grandparents.” Tracy beamed at him.

William looked at his wife and she nodded. “And did you thank him?”

“Yep. I hugged him.” Tracy said as she went back to the table. “I wanted him to kiss me, but he …..” She trailed off as she realized she had been speaking out loud.

“It's okay, baby.” William replied. “It's okay to kiss people you like. But anything else and I'll have to have a little talk with Peter.” William left the kitchen and Maggie chuckled. "In fact maybe we should get his lips registered as deadly weapons." William called from the living room.

“What does he mean?” Tracy asked. "Like touching and stuff?"

“Fathers get defensive when boys start kissing their daughters. It's a cave man thing, I think.”

From the living room William laughed. “Ugh! William club Peter. Club Peter till lips no longer work! Ugh”

Maggie chuckled, till she noticed a slightly worried look on her daughters face. Maggie pulled her into a hug. “Baby, he's just kidding.”

“Am not.” William answered back as the TV turned on.

Maggie nodded. “Yes he is.....mostly.”

~o~O~o~

December 25th 1982

Vance woke up to the sounds of moaning and light sobs. He lay there for a moment and realized it was coming from the bunk below him. He wanted to yell at his sister to shut the hell up, but a part of him knew she wasn't awake. He turned over in the bed and saw by the clock on their dresser that it was just past two in the morning.

He wanted to lay there and go back to sleep, but the pressure on his bladder put off that plan. So as quietly as he could, he dropped to the floor and his foot landed on something soft. He looked down and saw the arm to Tracy's new bear, Mr. Cuddles under his foot. A quick glance at the lower bunk showed her on her side, facing towards him, her arms empty and her pillow about to fall on the floor.

Vance moved one foot and picked up Mr. Cuddles, then slipped him back into his sisters arms. He thought against moving her head, for fear he'd wake her, but then his big brother side took over and he gently slid a hand under her head and raised it enough to slip the pillow under it.

She grumbled a couple of times, but the whimpering and crying stopped as her arms closed in around the bear. He smiled to himself and headed for the bathroom, unaware that he was now being watched. Despite the fact he had on his flannel pajamas, he could still feel the cold air of the house.

After he was done in the bathroom, he passed his bedroom and went to the living room. He walked much quieter. His parents were in the next room and he didn't want to wake them. His first stop was the wood burning stove. He slowly opened the door to the cast iron stove, hoping to make less noise then it did. He waited a moment an when he could still hear the snoring from his parents, he grabbed a poker and began moving the embers around and pushing the remains of a log that had been put in when William went to bed. Normally they didn't like to let the stove go all night with no supervision, but the temperatures were cold enough to freeze, so they made the exception.

He grabbed a larger piece of wood and placed it in the fireplace, then took a piece of newspaper an shoved it underneath. The paper caught and the glow filled the room as he shut the door. He thought about going to bed, but changed his mind. Instead he went to the couch and sat down, with his back against a corner. He faced the Christmas tree, watching as the light from the potbelly stove's frosted glass door flickered over the dark tree. He thought about plugging it in, but he knew that was risking it.

He was only partly aware of the sounds of the bathroom door being opened up as he pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and covered himself up. He sat there in the dimly lit room, just watching the tree. He thought about how quiet the house had been for the week that his sister was gone. Then he went back in his memories to when she was Troy and he recalled the same kind of quiet in the house, unless he had been picking on Troy. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Tracy was a happier, friendlier person then his brother had been. And a big part of him didn't mind.

Tracy had thrown their lives up in the air, that was true. Everything he had known, changed. Now there was talk of him no longer sharing a room with her. He wasn't sure who'd get kicked out of the bedroom, but he had a good guess. There was the possibilities of friends coming over and he was more then okay with a parade of beautiful young girls in the house.

Vance recalled how he tried to insist that Tracy did less work around the house, but as he sat there and noticed that the living room hadn't been touched in almost a month, same with the kitchen, that she did the cleaning. Dinners had been later, not just because Tracy had gone south for a week, but she wasn't able to cook, or lift stuff. And in the brief visits to his grandparents house, he saw that it was slowly getting dirty. Not piles of garbage dirty, but a fine layer of dust over the house, something that Tracy had kept up on.

He had offered to help his Grandfather get the house ready for Christmas, and the old man took the help. After cleaning the house, he was getting a new respect for his sister. With the rain, his work in the field had mostly stopped. And they had cleaned the shed, using help from Jerry Rivers for a day or two.

Then there was the guilt. He wasn't sure, but he had guessed that if he had stayed a friend with Bruce, he would have been directly involved with Tracy's attack. He knew he had a part of the blame anyway, for his phone call to Bruce and Frankie after he had first seen Tracy. He could still remember the flash of anger he felt when he saw what his former friends had done to his family. And now his sister was forced to relive it nightly.

Vance didn't know what the future held for his sister. He had heard his parents talking about the doctor visit she had when they were down there. He knew Tracy was around to stay for awhile. The one added bonus he saw was there was now monthly trips to Livermore, which meant he could see Sage more often.

The log in the stove had begun to burn. It lit up the room through the tempered, frosted glass enough to show him Tracy walking towards him. She had a blanket in one hand and Mr. Cuddles in the other. Her hair was flattened on one side and sticking up on the other. She had on a thicker nightgown and flannel pajamas. He smiled at her as she stopped at the couch. The image reminded him of how Troy looked when he had been younger, before their Dad insisted that boys didn't need teddy bears after a certain age. She looked like a small child, security blanket in one hand, bear in the other. “Can we join you?” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He pulled his leg from off the couch and let his sister sit down. She put Mr. Cuddles against her chest, then put her blanket over her and her bear. Vance didn't know why he did what he did, but he reached over and whispered. “Come here.” Then helped her scoot over to his side of the couch, then pulled her against his side. She leaned against him and watched the firelight dancing on the Christmas Tree. “Sorry if I woke you up.” He said in a whisper.

“You did, But I think I was having a dream, and I needed to pee.” She replied.

“You knocked your bear to the floor.” He nodded. “You were staring to cry, so I put him back in your arms. Plus you had almost shoved your pillow to the floor.”

“That's why you lifted my head?” Tracy asked, craning her neck to see his face.

“Yeah.” He nodded.

“Thank you.” She whispered.

~o~O~o~

Maggie rolled over and looked at her clock. She was shocked to see that it was seven o'clock and she had slept in for once. She lay there for a moment, trying to determine if she could hear her children. But the only sounds that filled the house were snores. She got up to go to the bathroom and pulled on her thick robe.

When she finished, she tiptoed through her bedroom and into the living room, where she stopped suddenly. Her hand went over her mouth so she wouldn't make a sound. Her children were both on the couch, leaned against each other, shoulders touching. Vance's blanket was pulled up to his chest, as was Tracy's. Mr. Cuddles sat between them. Maggie slipped back into her room. Moments later she came back out, holding her Polaroid camera.

She crept up to the couch, careful not to make a sound. Then she took the picture. The noise of the camera caused her youngest to start to stir. So she took another when the camera was ready. Tracy opened her eyes as the flash went off.

Tracy sat there blinking as she sat up straight, hearing her mother snicker as she headed for the kitchen. “Hey, wake up.” Tracy gently poked Vance in the ribs. “We slept in too late.”

“What?” He mumbled as his eyes opened up.

“It's just past seven.” Tracy said as she looked to the clock. “Come on. Mom's up already.”

The sounds and smells of coffee starting to brew began to creep out of the kitchen and Maggie came in and looked at her children. “Merry Christmas.”

They both kept they voices down. “Merry Christmas, Mom.” They wanted their Dad to wake up and tear into the presents, but there was a tradition to uphold. Ever since Vance had hit ten years of age, William taught him how to safely work around the fireplace. So Christmas mornings, William would claim he wouldn't get up till there was a fire. Vance got up and opened up the fireplace to get a nice fire going. It was a two pronged attack. Fire for warmth, coffee to wake him up. Then they would open the presents from their parents and friends and Santa. They came a family breakfast. It was a simple one, something their father learned in the Army. Chipped beef on toast, or as William called it, Shit on a shingle. After that it left the kids enough time to do the breakfast dishes, play with their toys, then the family could shower and head over to their Grandparents for Christmas dinner and more presents. Although Modine and Conner had a rule, no presents till after dinner and the dishes had to be done.

Tracy followed her mother into the kitchen, mostly to wait for the coffee. She reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of apple juice, then poured two cups. She put on on the table as Vance came in and picked it up.

“So how early did you two get up?” Maggie asked.

“I woke up when she started to have a bad dream. Two in the morning I think.” Vance replied. He quickly told her about finding the bear on the floor and putting Tracy back on her pillow. Then he covered how he added wood to the fire and watched the firelight till Tracy came out.

“Yeah. And you two looked so cute on the couch like that.” She held up one of the pictures and showed it to Vance.

“Mom!” He whined. “Why did you take that picture?”

“Because, I'm a mom and I need stuff to show your girlfriends when you date.” Maggie said with a smile. “The baby pictures of you in the tub only go so far.”

“Awww. You won't do that....will you?” Vance asked.

“Well, it depends. But as a mother, it is my right.” She turned as the coffee maker finished brewing and she poured herself a cup.

Both children got up and nodded to each other. They headed out of the kitchen, and went straight for their parent's bedroom. Normally they would have run out of the room, but Tracy was still walking slowly. They crept into the bedroom and took up positions on either side of their father. Tracy sat on the edge of the bed, then turned around and crawled over to where he lay. Vance help up a hand and counted down from five. At one they both pounced on their father, screaming. “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!”

William woke with a start, but was unable to move, as the kids had pinned him down under the blankets. After a few minutes of Vance bouncing on the bed he grumbled. “OKAY, okay. I'm awake.”

Vance got off the bed and Tracy crawled to the side to get off. William lay back down and shut his eyes. It was another of the traditions. William''s fight for sleep. “Wake me up in two hours. Christmas can wait till then.”

Vance jumped back on the bed and Tracy began tickling an exposed arm. “Okay, okay.” William said again. “But it's too cold out there.”

“Nope, I started a fire a while ago.” Vance replied.

“Okay....but I don't have my coffee yet.”

Maggie walked into the room and showed him a large steaming mug. “It's here, But I'll leave it by your chair.”

Before he could make a grab for it, she walked out of the room. “Fine, I'm awake.” He sat up in bed. “Let me go to the bathroom and I'll be out in a minute.”

Tracy and Vance both got up and left the room. Maggie was plugging in the tree as they came back out. Once they were in the living room, they heard their father open the bathroom door. Vance leaned over to Tracy and whispered in her ear. The young girl chuckled and nodded.

William opened the bathroom door as quietly as he could, then he sprinted across his bedroom while shouting. “Going back to bed, wake me for dinner!” He threw back the blankets only to find both of his children lying there giggling, waiting for his attempt for more sleep.

Tracy pointed to the doorway. “Out there. The coffee and fire are in the living room.”

“Can't I get just a few more minutes of sleep?” William held his hands together like he was begging.

The kids looked at each other, then shook their heads and replied in unison. “NO!”

“Fine, fine.” William went out of the bedroom and into the living room. “I want a glass of water too.” He said and he started to go for the kitchen. He ducked down the hall, past the kids bedroom and threw open their door that led to the family shared bathroom. He grabbed the second door that led to his bedroom and threw it open, only to come face to face with both of his children. Again.

“The cups are in the kitchen, Daddy, not in the bathroom.” Tracy stood there with her hands on her hips, lower lip stuck out in a pout.

“Come on.” Vance grabbed one hand, Tracy took the other they led him to his chair. Once he sat down, the kids turned their attention to the tree.

“Tracy, if you want, take the couch and I'll put your stuff on the coffee table.” Maggie said as her kids came close. Maggie turned to the tree and began pulling out presents. Vance took a seat on the floor, near the fireplace. Tracy sat on the couch and pulled Mr. Cuddles into her lap.

The process of tearing through the packages went faster than Tracy expect. Halfway though the carnage there was a knock at the door. Maggie got up. “Wonder who that could be.” She went to the door and opened it slightly. Tracy watched as her mother’s smile brightened up and she opened the door all the way. Modine and Conner stood on the porch. His arms held two brightly wrapped boxes.

“Merry Christmas.” They said with big grins.

“Come on in.” Maggie stepped out of the way and waited to shut the door behind them. “You want anything to drink? Coffee? Apple Juice?”

Modine looked to her husband who nodded. “Well we were just going to drop off a couple of gifts and go, but cup of coffee sounds wonderful. Black please.”

“I'll go for a cup too.” Conner said as he came in and put the two gifts on the floor by the tree.

William had gotten out of his chair and he gave his mother a hug, then shook his fathers hand and pulled him into a hug. “Something wrong? We didn't expect to see you until time to make dinner.”

“Well we got to thinking.” Modine went over to the couch. Tracy quickly pulled several of the books she had received off the cushion and put them on the coffee table to give her grandmother room. Conner went into the kitchen to help with coffee. “We had a couple of things for Tracy and we didn't know how to get them to her on Christmas without the family seeing them. Olivia is in the shower and Joy and Angie were still sleeping. So we brought these over.”

“Those are for me?” Tracy asked, her eyes locking on the boxes.

Modine noticed Vance slump his shoulders and she nodded. “Yes they are. Vance?” She called to her grandson. He looked over at her and she smiled at him. “We got stuff for you, but we couldn't give Tracy's stuff to Troy, could we?”

“I guess not.” Vance replied.

“I promise that you have as much stuff as Tracy and Troy combined.” She stated. This perked him up.

“So do I get to open them up now? Or do I have to wait till later?” Tracy asked.

“Now is fine. I want to see your face.” Modine said. Maggie came in and put a cup of coffee on the table in front of Modine. She went back to the tree as Conner came into the living room and took over Maggie's chair.

Maggie took the hint and picked up the larger of the boxes and handed it to her daughter. Tracy began tearing into the paper as Maggie handed her son one of the gifts from her and William. Tracy shrieked as she opened up a box to reveal a full length, pink dress with matching shoes at the bottom of the box.

“It's pretty.” She said as she ran her fingers over the material. She quickly put the box on the table and leaned over and hugged her grandmother. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome, dear.” Modine said as she hugged her back.

Tracy got up and hugged her Grandfather. “Thank you.”

“I'm glad you like it.” He said. Then he pulled out a pair of envelopes, one pink, one blue, from his coat pocket. “Hand the blue one to your brother.”

Tracy reached over an handed Vance his, then both kids opened up their envelopes and reached in. Conner chuckled as both of their jaws dropped and they looked at him. “It was Modine's idea. This is a thank you, on top of the allowance you've been getting for your work around the farm.”

“What did you get?” William asked. Tracy showed him the envelope with two one hundred dollar bills in it. He looked at his father and asked. “You sure, Dad?”

Conner smiled as both kids hugged, then moved to their grandmother. “More then sure. They have been a big help. I mean Tracy's been hurt, but we saw the work she had been doing when she couldn't do it anymore. And Vance has helped me around the property the past few months, so this is our way of saying thank you. Think of it as a Christmas bonus, like you get at work.”

“I see.” He looked to his kids. “You may want to put that some place safe, or we can open up an account at the credit union for both of you.”

“Okay Dad.” Both kids left the room and headed for their bedroom. Minutes later they were walking back into the living room. Maggie had Tracy's other box sitting at the coffee table waiting for her. She began opening it up and found what looked to be a tackle box. She opened it up and found different make up in it.

Tracy looked at it, then at her grandmother. “Thank you, but I don't know if Mom will let me have makeup.”

“We talked about this already.” Modine said.

“You're grandmother and I agree that you're a special case. I'll allow the make up, but I want to sit down and teach you how to use it. But it's for special occasions only.”

“Okay Mama.” Tracy said as she leaned over and hugged her grandmother. She got up and hugged her grandfather again.

They stayed as the pile slowly dwindled down. William began to stand up. “If you want, we can make a little extra breakfast.”

“No. We got to start on the dinner preparation soon.” Modine stood up. “But thank you for the offer.”

William seen his parents to the door then he headed to the kitchen. “Okay, kids. You need to clean up the living room and I'll start on breakfast.”

In unison both of his children called out. “Okay, Dad

I actually had to re-write this. It started out fun and went dark fast. So I felt a little sugar for the holidays was a good approach.

Part one to Christmas is over. Next up? The family dinner.