Kwan Bae couldn't understand why she couldn't be herself

Chapter One

On October 31st, Nineteen hundred eighty eight, at three twenty three in the morning, Kwan Bae Brooks was brought into the world in Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

After eighteen hours of labor, Jung, his nineteen year old mother was drenched in sweat and totally exhausted. Her husband of a year and a half, Justin Brooks was stroking her hair and holding her hand. She was shivering uncontrollably from the shock of the birth, and the nurse place a warm blanket over her

“Great job, honey! We have a little boy! Kwan Bae Brooks!”

Jung gave him a tired but satisfied smile, “T-Thanks, J-J-Justin. Will you tell mom and d-d-dad?”

Justin smiled and kissed her forehead. “Of course, babe! I know they’ll be as proud as I am”

Jung’s shivering had abated somewhat. “You know, we don’t have to give him a Korean name. It’s really okay if we don’t”

“Jung, you carried this child for nine months and did all the work delivering him. I know you are okay with whatever we name him, but I know it’s important to your family to give him a family name. It’s my honor to name him after your grandfather. The important thing is, he has my last name”

Jung began to cry. “I just love you so much, Justin. Thank you for being so understanding”

Justin, still holding Jung’s hand replied. “I love you too, beautiful, now let’s just enjoy the moment”

The delivery team did the post birth checkups and verified that little Kwan was a healthy baby boy.

After Jung was asleep, Justin made the calls to his parents as well as Jung’s.

Jung’s father, Yeong Song answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Dad, its Justin. You have a new grandson, Kwan Bae Brooks”

Yeong smiled as he gently nudged his wife, Hyeon. She sat up in bed, knowing that they had a new grandson.

Yeong continued. You named the child Kwan Bae?”

“Yes sir and I was proud to. You and mom have been so good to us, this was my way of honoring you”

Yeong was overcome. “That was my father’s name. Thank you, son. This is indeed an honor”

Hyeon poked her husband. “How big? How long? Is Jung okay?”

’s father motioned for his wife to be quiet down. “Son, your mother-in —law is going crazy here. Why don’t you talk to her?

Justin gave her all of the little details that women love to hear about a new birth. They lived several hours away from Los Angeles in Phoenix, so Jung’s parents would start driving the next day.

Kwan grew over the next few years. Jung was so proud of her little boy. He was serious as a little baby, not really smiling much, but he was very intelligent. The terrible twos found the little boy exploring his world, much to the dismay of his mother and father, who found it difficult at times to keep him from exploring things he shouldn’t.

As the toddler grew into a preschooler, his mother began to notice that he was a bit higher strung than other boys his age. He didn’t like the same things they did, and was far more at ease playing with the little girls his age. In fact when he referred to himself, it was as a girl. His parents tended to ignore this, as they felt he was too young to know the difference.

As his early years progressed, he became increasingly distant from his father. He didn’t want to play ball or guns even refusing to play with the toy cars his father bought him. Every time he had to go to the barbershop, he would throw a fit, saying he didn’t want to get his hair cut. He said none of the other girls got theirs cut. They finally let him keep his hair a little longer, in a kind of page boy cut that was on the androgynous side.

“I don’t get it, Jung” Justin finally said one day. “What is up with that boy? He keeps insisting he’s a girl”

“Oh, honey, he doesn’t know the difference, yet. It’s probably just a phase he’s going through. He’s only four, for heaven’s sake”

Justin sighed. “I suppose you’re right, Jung. It just seems none of the other boys his age are going through anything like this”

Jung laughed, which made Justin smile. “Oh, honey, we aren’t around them at home. For all we know, they wear party dresses at home. He’ll be fine. And it’s harmless. He always wants to help me clean and cook. You leave him alone. It will serve him well when he finds that special girl!”

At five, his mother asked him what he wanted for his birthday. “Barbie!” was the enthusiastic reply. And he also wanted to be Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” for Trick or Treating.

“But Kwan Bae, Barbie is for girls. Ariel is a girl’s costume”

Kwan rolled his eyes. “Duh, Mommy! I know! I am a girl!”

Jung frowned. “Kwan, you do know you’re a boy, don’t you”

A look of panic flooded Kwan Bae’s face. “NO I’M NOT, MOMMY! TAKE IT BACK!” He then burst into tears and ran to his room, slamming the door.

Jung rushed to Kwan Bae’s room and quietly opened the door. Her son was sobbing on his bed, repeating “I am NOT a boy! Boys are yucky!”

Jung’s heart broke at the sight. Something was wrong with Kwan. He really thought he was a girl.

She sat down on his bed and rubbed his back. “It’s okay, Kwan. Shhhh. Don’t cry” Tears were rolling down her face.

Kwan looked at her with reddened eyes. “Why do you keep calling me a boy? I hate boys!”

“Baby, you are a boy”

“Why do you keep saying that? Daddy keeps treating me like a boy. He keeps cutting my hair and making me wear these yucky boy clothes. I think he’s so mean! I hate him!”

“Honey! Don’t say that! You’re daddy loves you sooo much!”

“If he loves me, then why doesn’t he let me dress like the rest of the girls? They have Pretty dresses. All I have is pants!” he burst into tears again.

As Jung comforted her son, she had an idea. “Kwan Bae, I can prove you are a boy”

“How?” he petulantly replied.

“Come with me” She took him to the bookshelf and pulled down a book. It was an old health book. In it, she read to Kwan about the difference between boys and girls. “See, Kwan? You have what is called a penis. Girls don’t have one”

Kwan started to shake. Quietly, he said. “Cut it off, Mommy. I hate it. I HATE IT!”

Kwan Bae ran as fast as his legs would move to the kitchen. Jung was close on his heels. He reached for a knife. The only one he could find was a butter knife. He tried to hand it to his mother. “CUT IT OFF! PLEASE! I don’t want it! I don’t want it! I…don’t…want…”

His eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out. As he fell, he struck his head on the floor. Blood poured from the wound that opened.

“Kwan! Oh my God! KWAN!”

The call to 911 followed, and the ambulance arrived within ten minutes. Jung was sobbing, rocking and cradling her son, who hadn’t moved since his fall. The rag she had used to keep pressure on his wound was soaked.

“He fell…he fell” was all she could say. “It’s all my fault. Please help him” She was in shock.

One of the paramedics gently took the boy. “We’ll take good care of him, ma’am. What’s his name?”

“Kwan Bae” was the wooden reply.

The men proceeded to begin to stabilize the boy. He looked ashen, and was completely limp. They did their jobs, as Jung was in a daze.

“Ma’am. Ma’am! We need you to come with us”

Jung got up like a zombie and followed the medics to the ambulance. One of them turned to her and asked “Where is the boy’s father?”

Jung looked at the medic blankly “Who? Oh, his father. I need to call him” She reached for her purse, suddenly realizing she didn’t have it. “I need to get my purse! What will Justin say! He’ll hate me! I let our baby fall!” She started to panic, but was grabbed by the medic. “Ma’am! Calm down. We need to get your son to the hospital, and we need you to be there for him. Get your purse and hurry!”

The trip to the hospital was a blur for Jung. They asked her questions about what happened, and she answered them like a robot. The emergency room was what could best be described as orderly chaos. The ER doctor was on the spot as soon as the ambulance stopped. Jung understood that Kwan had some sort of a brain injury.

They took him into the trauma room. Jung tried to go in, but a nurse guided her gently to the waiting area. Jung sat there crying.

“Mrs. Brooks?”

“Yes? Is my baby okay?”

“That’s not why I’m here. I’m Lorraine Ringdahl, and I’m with social services. We need to talk about what happened to your son”

To be continued