To Start A New

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I have a very momentous decision to make. Should I go on living the lie I am living now and be what my family and society expects me to be or should I start my life anew and be who I know I really am.

To make my situation perfectly clear, I was born what appeared to be a perfectly normal boy. I was given cars and trucks to play with as a toddler, but what I preferred to play with was my doll that I convinced my mother to get me. I would have liked to get doll houses, tea sets and toy ovens among other things, of course what I got was toy guns and other masculine toys, especially after my younger brother came along.

I loved to use bath towels as dresses and to emulate long hair. I was very effeminate in behavior. I preferred to play with the other girls and usually had to be forced to play with boys. If I did play with boys it was usually with one or two at the most. I did not understand them and they did not understand me either. Boys were usually more rough and tumble than I preferred. I loved to be gentle and quiet. I got along better with girls as I could understand them. I loved to play house with them, except that when they wanted me to play the father or a male role, I would tell them I wanted to be a daughter. I guess I had to play at being a male enough in my life that in playing games I wanted to be the female that I knew I was.

From the time I was three I knew I should have been a girl as the things they did were what I wanted to do. I had no interest in my toy cars and trucks, matter of fact when my younger brother got them, they were in nearly mint condition. My older brother did his best to try to toughen me up and make a man out of me. Why couldn't they just see that I wasn't a man and let me be the girl I was? Why do we focus on the physical body and ignore the gender of the person? Why can't people accept that some girls are born with penises and some boys are born without? Why do we try to force transgendered people to live to the societal roles of their physical body and not to who they are inside?

I remember being around three years old and walking on the balls of my bare feet pretending that I was walking in high-heels. When my friends and I played dressed up, I would ignore the mens' clothes and dress up in the skirts, dresses and high-heeled shoes of the women. I have always seen myself as first a girl then a woman and have to remind myself that I am physically a male when filling out forms and such.

My mother always encouraged me, when visiting on a Sunday, to stay in the kitchen with the women, which was fine with me since I loved to hear the gossip and had no use for football which was what the men were watching. As you can see, I don't have too many masculine bones in my body. I preferred floral sheets and blankets, which my younger brother hated when we shared a room.

I remember the strange looks I would get from people because I always acted on the feminine side. I vowed at an early age to try to be myself always, but I did deny my gender issues to myself and others. I tried to fit in as a guy as much as I could even though I had no interest in girls, cars and sports.

In school, I was pretty much a loner as I did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I was content to sit and read a book whenever I could.

I guess I better go and tell my family that I have decided to live my life as a woman. I hope that they can accept me and love me for who I really am.

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Let's pretend...

Andrea Lena's picture

...I don't remember enough of when I was little to recall all the fine details of how I felt as a little girl in a boy's body, but I do remember this, and I'm so thankful that you called it to mind. Even at nearly sixty-one, when nobody is home, I've tried a couple of times to walk on the balls of my feet. I had forgotten that was something I did as a six year old. I even recall slipping into a pair of my mother's shoes...a memory that is only at this moment coming alive, and it brings me to bittersweet tears. Not to worry; they cleanse and heal, and I'm truly happy for the memory that you helped me recall. Thank you!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

You're welcome Drea. I

You're welcome Drea. I remember about 10 years ago, I was at my job in Pizza Hut. A three year old girl had slipped off her shoes and was walking on the balls of her feet the way I did at that age. Made me feel all girly and of course brought back these memories. The first time I knew I was different stayed with me. Also up until I was five, I trick or treated in girls costumes. But like I said once my younger brother came along, I was encouraged to act more like a boy. I am so glad that this little story brought back some of your own memories.

Such a familiar story!

I was very similar.This story brought back tons of memories. My biggest difference was that I was the oldest child, and expected to be the leader and example to the other kids. My mother had 9 brothers, and she had a pretty good idea of what boys were like.

My advantage was that I always scored very high on those "IQ" tests that the school had us take every year in Elementary school. I guess everyone figured that because I was so smart, I was expected to be weird. I spent a great deal of time in my 1960's "man-cave" in the basement, usually with my nose in a book.

One of my favorites was an autobiography (title unknown) of a guy who called himself a transvestite. He lived in Southern California as a prostitute, raising money for her operation. The autobiography, which ended on a sad note where it was revealed that she died of a venereal disease before she had enough money for her operation, captured my attention. I had never heard of a sex change, and I often fantasized about being the real me. It wasn't a sexual fantasy, but it was a long term dream.

Of course, that never came to pass. I do still have my "action fugures" aka dolls, and they are displayed proudly in my living room. Oddly enough, I too used to dream of wearing high heels, and I frequently walked around on my toes. Until I lost my leg, it was a regular part of the way I walked. My Mom said I walked "like a burglar"-quietly and carefully. My little brother would stomp every where. She thought it was so strange that, at 250 pounds, you couldn't hear me walk through the house, but my 97 pound little brother sounded like a rhino loose in the house.

Wren

Wren, I am glad that you

Wren, I am glad that you shared some of your own memories. I was born in the mid '60's and later when I heard about Christine Jorgenson and Renee Richards, just did not connect them to what I was going through. Well you were quieter because you were all girl while your brother was all boy. ha ha.

To Start A New

How old is she?

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Stan I left the age open and

Stan I left the age open and time period open, so that people could put theirselves into. Other wise it is mostly about me all though my family does know about me. My mother took it as best she could. So she is 46.

I'm not sure how girly I was

I was quiet, but not totally girly until I met the man who would rape me. Then I wasnt girly at all for a long time ....

Now, I'm fairly girly, when I can be.

thank you for this.

DogSig.png

You're welcome Dorothy. I

You're welcome Dorothy. I was as girly as I could get away with. I remember hearing my mother mention to her friends that it was a phase, but it never ended. My mother let me wear female costumes until I was five. There were photos of me dressed as Raggedy Ann which I wanted for Christmas, unfortunately I got Andy. I think my mother encouraged as much as she could until my older brother got to her. He spent a lot of time trying to make me a boy.