The Girl Inside
By Julie D Cole

As I looked into the mirror it gave me quite a fright,
I’m getting old, an aging man and it’s not a pretty sight.
My hair is limp my face is drawn and as I took a look down there,
Where’s it gone, it’s hard to say, with all this body hair.

I stood and stared for ages, not a pretty sight at all,
Reflecting on my life so far, then at a picture on the wall,
A woman in her prime of life, her beauty plain to see,
A picture taken years ago, Mmm was that really me?

So elegant and dressed to kill, my friend arranged it all,
We had such fun, there I was , dressed for the summer ball,
I looked so slim such a narrow waist, my bust just seemed so real,
If only time had stopped just then, who knows how now I’d feel

I looked at ‘her’, there was no doubt ‘twas the girl I’ve always been,
Why I stopped, I never knew, was it the fear that I’d be seen?
Oh if only I’d have braver then and I’d spent more time as ‘me’
Who knows in this more modern, I’d be ‘out there’ walking free,

So I made a vow right there and then, as I took the picture down,
I’d try again, I’d find this girl who wore that lovely gown,
I’d go back home to see the place where a man I met by chance,
Had kissed me and caressed me, yet we’d only meant to dance,

He was so kind, he grabbed my arm, as I stumbled in my heels
He let me know right there and then just how a woman feels,
We talked a lot, he bought me drinks, he didn’t seem to know
The girl he’d met at her first dance, had never meant to go.

‘Twas all a dare, as we’d played around, with make up on my face
I tried the dress and that was it, I took my best friends place,
‘twas a special day, I’d dressed as ‘me’, I’d nothing much to lose,
I’d even chanced the dressing rooms, to try a skirt and shoes.

Life was fun, we laughed a lot, most days were spent like this,
It felt so right, until we met and I tasted his first kiss,
I wanted more, but this was wrong, I couldn’t let him know
This girl he saw was not a girl. I couldn’t hurt him so.

As our love grew he wanted me and me? I wanted more,
Who says love is blind, it must betrue, ‘cos it was only ‘me’ he saw,
I tried my best to not to fall in love, to resist this life as ‘me’
I even locked my clothes away and threw away the key.

But my friends all said I’d changed a lot, he asked them where I’d gone,
He tried to push each one of them, to tell him what went wrong,
I lost my way, I cried each night, before I went to sleep,
I was fading fast my head had gone, I became a mindless heap.

I knew deep down I loved him, but I could never be his ‘wife’,
Then suddenly he found me when I tried to end my life,
He saw me laid upon the floor with a slash across my wrist,
I’d gone but then he brought me back to life again as he beat me with his fist,

He tied his belt around my arm, so tight it stopped the flow,
He picked me up with all his strength, from where he’d never know,
With all his speed he ran that night, he took me to his car,
He drove so fast, my life was saved. Thank God, it wasn’t far,

He stayed all night as the doctors worked, my Angel from above,
He squeezed my hand to let me know his heart was full of love,
When I awoke from all the drugs, I sat and looked around
But I was all alone, an empty room, no Angel to be found,

The doctors took him to a room and said I was alright,
They said because he’d stayed with me I’d found the strength to fight,
When all was calm as morning broke, he finally sat down
He watched the nurse and she turned to him, after lifting up my gown.

He learned that night to his great surprise, this girl who’d been so coy,
Had something there between her legs, ‘My God she is a boy,’
Now he knew, my secret out, he turned and ran away,
He ran right home, he never called, there was nothing he could say.

So ever since I’ve never dressed, I’ve lived a quiet life,
I settled down and looked around and found myself a wife,
She knew my hurt from stories told, but really didn’t mind
She tried to help but she never met, the girl I’d left behind,

Now she’s gone, she just left a note right there beside my phone,
She’d run away with another man, so now I’m all alone,
So it’s time to find the girl again, who I’d been along the way,
Who knows, I might be lucky, to find my Angel from that day.

So I started with a facial and gave my brows some shape,
I shaved my arms and legs and chest, to rid the hairy ape,
I ran a bath, so sweet and warm, I scrubbed myself so clean,
I dusted, powdered, sprayed and oiled, till not a hint of ‘him’ was seen

My wife had lots of clothes to wear, so many, which to choose?
But dare I dress and walk outside? Why not? What else to lose,
So that day I found a life again with no more doom and gloom,
At last this chance to dress again and no confines of my room.

I soon was gaining confidence, I didn’t do much wrong,
I soon became ‘myself ‘again, in fact it wasn’t long,
My wife had gone and she never knew, I’d never dressed at all,
So free at last my first trip out , will be a shopping mall.

As I parked my car, I looked around, there were lots of people there,
I hoped and prayed they’d carry on and not turn to look or stare.
It really was a piece of cake as I sauntered round the shops,
I filled my bags with lots of skirts and jeans and bras and tops.

When I got home my feet were sore , my credit card was hot
In truth it was my wifes I’d used and I didn’t give a tot,
I’d be using that on other days, revenge, will be so sweet,
I doubt she’d ever dare complain until next time we meet

So now I’ve braved the world outside, no probs I seemed just fine,
My wifes done me a favour now, so all the pleasures mine
I made a plan to find the girls, whose skill had started this,
Oh if only I’d been careful, I could have enjoyed a life of bliss

When I found my friend she hadn’t changed, she was married with a son,
When she saw me, there were floods of tears, her life had not been fun,
We hugged and kissed and laughed and cried, we sat and talked all day
She said she’d never laughed again since the day I’d run away.

We talked of him and then she stopped and took me by surprise,
She took a breath and squeezed my hand and looked deep into my eyes,
‘If you had the chance would you like to meet’ whilst dressed like this again,
I didn’t speak, I didn’t dare and then I just said ‘When?’.

She said I shouldn’t rush this step, just take my time instead
He might not have liked what he saw that night, as I lay upon my bed,
But I have to try, I want to meet, that’s the reason that I’m here,
Oh please just try to help me, let me overcome my fear.

'Well I can ask and I’m sure he’ll come, if you wish we can call and try,'
'If he wants to come it won’t take long , in fact he lives close by,'
'But before you do let’s meet my son , there’s something you should know,'
As we stepped out back, he turned and spoke, Oh what a body blow.

‘My God it’s him, is this your son? I was trembling now with shock,
How could it be, this boys a man, it was like turning back the clock.
Twenty years have passed us by, we kept our lives apart,
She thought the truth might be too much and really break my heart.

He shook his hand, Oh what a smile, he kissed me on the cheek,
I couldn’t stand, I nearly fell, my knees they felt so weak.
He didn’t ask, or even speak, but I could tell he’d like to know,
If his mum and I, and dad of course, were friends from long ago.

When his dad arrived I looked at him and he just stared at me
My eyes just filled and tears poured out, in fact I couldn’t see,
I was so relieved I’d held my nerve and decided I must stay,
This time he knew that this was ‘me’, so I didn’t run away,