Fairport, New York, 2008...the Jensen home...
The woman was a lady of stature and elegance; her long flowing robe signified both her taste in clothing and her position of influence on her home planet. She paused in front of the mirror in the boudoir and admired her reflection. Rather, she gazed at her image with a disappointed frown as her barely twin-like self gazed back at her.
Not an elegant woman, but a very plain looking girlish boy stared back; his hair barely touched his shoulders and was a dirty blonde and not the golden shade he had hoped for. His face was almost completely free of blemishes for the first time in nearly a year, but the hastily applied makeup made him look almost cartoonish. His long gown hung like pretty curtain; draped on his body straight and unbroken by any curve. He put his hand on his hip and pursed his lips and made a kissing sound that was unheard over the shout from the living room.
“Caleb…honey? We’ll have to put off that talk. Jason’s Jeep died again, so I have to pick him up at work. We can talk when I get back. Maybe stop off and get some Thai or maybe something from that new Burmese place?”
“Sure,” the boy yelled even as he looked again in the mirror.
“I should be back in about an hour. Whatever you wanted to talk about? We can all talk about it together?” Caleb kept quiet.
“Honey, I know he’s your step-father. But he loves you. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, Mom…I know,” Caleb shouted. He pulled the gown off his back and jammed it into a shopping bag and tossed it into his closet.
“Okay, honey. Back in a bit. Love you!” The door closed loudly and Caleb walked back to his dresser and looked into the mirror one last time, shaking his head. An hour would be treasured as an opportunity to be whoever for any boy like him, but Caleb just sighed and pulled off the satin panties he wore. He pulled out the top drawer of his dresser and pushed the panties to the back before replacing the drawer.
Looking down, he frowned at the inactivity. For a fifteen year old boy, he had a body almost identical to that of a girl much younger, albeit for his near five-ten height and the fairly useless organ that hung between his legs. He grabbed a pair of jockey’s and pulled them on along with a U of R tee shirt and grey sweat pants. While he had the time, he’d try to come up with a topic of discussion that would draw little attention himself while still appearing authentic and concerned. He knew his stepfather loved him, but he wasn’t even sure his mother could handle the real topic of discussion.
Lying sideways on the bed, he reached over and grabbed the remote off his nightstand. A moment later the DVD began to play; "War Games!"...the aura from the screen lit the darkened bedroom in an eerie glow as the scene unfolded. Two women stood in a cargo bay of a spaceship. They seemed overdressed in flowing gowns as they greeted each other with warm hugs; the crewmates of the darker of the two stared at them in disbelief; rather at the blonde woman who accompanied the Companion up the gangway to her shuttle.
A few moments later the scene shifted as the darker woman stood above the bed. She was dressed in a pretty robe and a prettier smile as her hand traced circles on the back of the nearly nude woman lying face down before her. As her hand circled slowly, Caleb flinched in almost a sympathetic response as he took in the scene for what was probably the twentieth time or so. The woman on the bed spoke…as Caleb mouthed the words…
Oh– that feels amazing. [the dark-haired woman smiles] Oh, right there. Oh, that's perfect. I should have done this weeks ago.
[chuckling] Well, I wouldn't have been here weeks ago.
That would have been a shame.
For me as well. You have such beautiful skin.
[looking up at Inara] There's no need for the show, Inara. I just need to relax with someone who's making no demands on me.
Most of my clientele is male, do you know that?
No....
Caleb’s face grew hot. He pressed pause on the remote; once again almost stuck halfway into the scene with no way in and no way out, much like his life. He stared at the frozen image of the woman on the bed before looking down at his own body. A moment later the room went dark as he turned off the TV and rolled over on his back, weeping in shame.
Fairport High School Cafeteria...the 'Geek' table...the following day...
“You know who you’re goin’ as?” Danny Kalish sat down next to Caleb and punched him lightly in the shoulder. Caleb shook his head no.
“Maybe you could go as Mr. Universe. Oh maybe even one of the twins. Fanty, since you’re pretty to begin with.” Part of Caleb actually wanted to nod in approval, but he protested instead, trying to keep up a tenuous subterfuge in the midst of what few friends he had. The girl standing next to Danny punched him hard in the arm.
“Gorram idiot!” She laughed but surprised everyone by kissing Danny on the cheek.
“Kalish here is going as Wash and I’m going as Zoe, just in case you couldn’t guess.” Marcie Rodriguez was a huge Gina Torres fan, and Danny pretty just did whatever Marcie wanted, being her biggest fan. Caleb nodded and smiled, happy that the attention had been drawn away from his limited choices. He actually had played around with the idea of going as Simon Tam since the character was perceived erroneously by some to be a ‘weak’ guy and Caleb couldn’t find another adjective that was bantered about by his friends that suited him better than ‘weak.’
“Maybe I can help,” a husky contralto voice came from behind Danny and Caleb.
“Oh…hi, Sia.” Marcie said as both boys turned to face the girl who stood almost menacingly over their shoulders. Caleb’s face turned a bright red, quickly followed by the even deeper crimson that crossed Danny’s face. Danny might have been Marcie’s biggest fan, but Sia was just too hard to ignore. Even Marcie seemed taken in by the girl's presence.
“I’m going to get ready at my house on Friday afternoon. My mom said it was okay to take the afternoon off school.” She put her hand on Caleb’s shoulder and he shrunk away.
“She said she’s got some ideas for you, if you don’t mind.” Caleb swallowed hard. It was one of those questions you’re forced to answer both ways, if only silently. Aspasia Kanekaredes was nearly impossible to resist. She had a strangely appealing almost androgynous way about her, which Caleb might have found difficult to ignore under the best of circumstances. Given Caleb’s own confusion, he was forced to admit that he wanted her to do whatever she and her mother thought would work for the convention, but just as much of him was afraid of being anywhere with her other than school.
“Oh….okay.” He said weakly, unable to say anything else.
“Then it’s settled, okay? My place on Friday at say….two-thirty?” Considering the convention started at seven, that left an awful lot of time for Caleb to be intimidated and scared in the presence of the only girl he had ever taken a liking to since fourth grade. He sighed as she rubbed his back before running off as the next period bell rang.
Friday, the Kanekaredes home, Fairport, New York...
The girl came to the door dressed in only a robe and a smile. She reached out and pulled Caleb inside, being careful that her mother wasn’t standing anywhere near the front door.
“Here…put this on,” She said, handing a robe to the boy. He hesitated and she squeezed his arm.
“Come on…just follow my lead, okay?” Caleb pulled the robe and Sia closed it with the sash, lifting the hood over his head. The robe was long enough to hide his shorts, giving him an almost bare underneath appearance. Just then Olympia Kanekaredes stepped into the living room from the kitchen and stopped to take in the view of her daughter and a friend at the doorway.
“Oh, Sia, honey? Is this the friend you told me about that needs help with a costume for the convention?"
“Yes, Mama….this is my friend.” The tease was meant to put Caleb at ease, since their families had known each other for a long time. The boy grimaces anyway; feeling embarrassed over the moment.
“Well, why don’t you show your friend just how handy your mother is with a needle and thread, yes?” She held her hands open and urged Sia. The girl untied the sash around her own robe and let it fall to the floor, revealing a gold brocade gown.
“Mama got the pattern off the internet,” Sia said using her hand almost as a flourish. Her long black hair made her look like Inara Serra’s twin. Caleb noticed the familiarity of the gown and almost mentioned that it was the same design that Inara had worn in “The Message” episode, but thought better of it, considering he was trying his hardest to downplay an already painful commonality with the girl in front of him.
“So you see that I can indeed be of help. Sia told me about your special circumstances, honey,” Olympia said as she stepped closer to the two. She ushered them away from the doorway and closed the door before turning her attention back to them.
“I thought that you might like to look at a few things first, if that’s okay….Then you can decide.” She smiled and pulled three garment bags out of the coat closet by the door. Draping them across the back of the couch, she grabbed a large handled shopping bag and placed in Caleb’s hands.
“Why don’t you go into the bathroom there and begin to change. Then you can try on these and decide which one suits you best, yes?” She pointed to the bathroom at the end of the hall and nodded. Caleb stood for a moment before Sia’s mother pointed once again.
“Go ahead, honey. Sia has told me all about you.” She pointed once again, this time a bit more animated.
“We don’t judge here, child. And Sia says she’s sure you’ll like what I’ve chosen.” Caleb nodded reluctantly before slowly toddling down the hall. A few moments later he came to the door, clutching tightly the robe Sia had given him; his face was beet red and he was shaking nervously.
“What’s the matter? Is there anything wrong?” Sia laughed softly, anticipating her friend’s answer.
“I …this doesn’t seem right…I’m not sure…” He held up the contents of the bag; a package of flesh colored tights and a pair of thong panties; the color of which nearly matching the red of his face. Olympia stepped closer, holding out one of the garment bags.
“I don’t know what you mean.” She unzipped the bag partially, revealing a very soft shiny pewter-colored gown.
“I’m sure this will do nicely, but you’re welcome to try on the other ones as well. After all, we’re all girls here, Callie.” Olympia looked over at her daughter and back at Caleb before smiling and winking.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I thought that pewter might be a good color for you. And I can see now that I was right. Let’s get you changed and then we can work on your makeup, okay?”
“Oh……okay.” The boy's face seemed to grow a pale pink as the pretty girl led him back into the bathroom.
Conventional Wisdom
“Can I watch?” Sia sat on the bed while the boy stood in the middle of the room. The robe had slipped open and revealed a tallish if thin looking teen. Caleb looked down and then up at Sia and shook his head; more over the odd feeling than any refusal. His face grew red and hot as he gazed at his best friend. Sia noticed and hopped off the bed. He shied away until she gently reached over and closed the robe, pulling the draw strings together and looping them in a loose knot. He looked into her eyes and saw tears that mirrored his own awkward shame.
“I am so sorry.” She kissed him on the cheek and ushered the boy gently into the bathroom.
“I never meant to embarrass you. We’ve known each other like forever, and I only wanted to help you.” When you come out, I’ll know how best to help, okay?” She pointed to his ‘boy’ stuff lying on the hamper by the sink.
“Put on what feels right and we’ll go from there, okay?” She kissed him once again and he looked, not at her, but down, where he saw nothing, which made him feel both safe and sad at the same time.
“I’m going to go talk to my Mom. We’ll be out in the living room. Shout if you need help, but don’t do anything you feel bad about. It’s about you and what you need right now.” Sia spoke years above her grade level; most of the time she hid her sensitivity and care behind a mask of insecurity and silliness. But at home, in her place of safety with her mom and sisters, she felt confident and at peace, and the real girl would come out in sweet and glorious ways that belied the Gothy geek she projected outside.
“Sia?” A soft voice came from the bathroom.
“Yes?” She sighed and drew an anxious breath, wondering what the boy’s choice would be.
“Can you….would you and your mom….” The voice was hesitant and barely spoken above a whisper; the child inside the boy inside the teen speaking in almost a fear of discovery. A moment later the voice continued, adopting a familiar tone that only was shared with the best friend on the other side of the door.
“Could you ….I need a new name?”
The boy pulled at the unfamiliar rig; he was used to the occasional dress up when he and Sia were in Middle School, and it never got out of the house except for the time they had hopped a bus to Syracuse for a Goth convention. The feelings of shame and sadness mixed again in all-too familiarity with relief as his penis ‘disappeared’ under the thong and hose.
He wanted to be a boy to please everyone; the only boy in any extended part of his father’s family. No boy cousins would carry on the name unless he stepped up; a tacit expectation brought out in glad boasting over ‘his’ accomplishments at family gatherings. But nothing took place inside and even on the outside parts that remained rude reminders of what he was and what he wasn’t. No stirrings and no sensations and no feelings even as his heart ached almost constantly whenever he was around the girl on the other side of the door.
He looked up at the shower curtain rod and saw she had hung up two outfits to wear. One had a very nice replica of a long dark jacket and a plain collar; homage to one of his favorite characters. He always found it odd that he was drawn to the spiritual considering he was also likely to never follow in his father’s footsteps. Caleb senior was a missionary whose journey was cut short by a very disrespectful intrusion into their lives by prostate cancer. His step-father followed in his own family’s tradition and was a cabinet maker and carpenter. Ironic if all too painful.
The other outfit surprised him; not in the fabric or the colors or the sheer beauty, but in that Sia’s mother had captured a look that spoke to the boy’s soul. He lifted the hanger gently off the rack and pulled at the soft cloth; it seemed to almost shimmer and sparkle and he couldn’t tell whether it was the light or the moment. There would never be a point of no return for him; choices would jump out from behind the familiar and safe all the rest of the day, but so long as he had them he could stop. He sighed and blinked back a few tears and looked at himself in the mirror. A boy in pantyhose stared back at him nervously, but with less fear in his heart than ever in the recent past. He took a deep breath.
“Sia? Mrs. Kanakaredes?” The soft sweet voice called from down the hall. Sia went to spring off the couch and her mother gently held her hand. She shook her head no and smiled. Sia nodded and called back.
“Caleb?” There were no others in the house. Izzie (Isadora) and Penny (Penelope) were at a meeting for a fundraising project for Scouts and their father Spiros had not gotten home from Roberts where he taught Social Sciences. They both cocked their heads; almost like twins listening for some surprise. No slow dragging of feet shod in heavy old boots, but instead the almost zizzing sound of nylon gliding softly on the carpet. Olympia looked at her daughter and nodded.
“N….no, Sia, not Caleb,” the voice spoke. The two faced the hallway and saw a very anxious looking young woman. She wore no makeup and her short dirty blond hair looked boyish, but she held herself in an almost regal pose. Sia turned to her mother who nodded, prompting her to run to the girl and embrace her as a long lost friend. Caleb hadn’t gotten lost so much as found by the two and perhaps by even more. There was a loud pop of spark as she embraced her friend; the result of the static electricity built up from her hose.
“I…I can’t go out like this.” She looked down at herself; she for that is who and what she was. There was no shame, but the awkward fear pushed hard at her resolve. Sia pushed back.
“That’s okay. We can go another time. They’re in Buffalo next month, okay.” She rubbed the girl’s arm.
“Don't worry, honey. Whatever you feel right about is the right thing to do, okay?” Olympia smiled warmly. Sia’s mother was so much like her own but for the fact that her mother wouldn’t understand and Olympia Kanakaredes understood her perfectly. She checked herself; himself…it was so confusing. She had worn her mother’s best dress once when she was left alone one long Sunday afternoon. But this was different; no hurry and no pressure to be somewhere or something else at the end of the day. Instead, it was a Friday afternoon with no expectations…at least that’s what she hoped.
“Can we just stay here?” The boy/girl put his head down, his face covered in shame by her hand. Sia pulled the hand gently away from Caleb’s face and smiled through understanding tears and nodded.
“I think it would be good if you stayed home tonight, don’t you, Sia?” Of course Sia had already planned for such a contingency. Mr. Kanakaredes was already sitting in the take-out area of Golden Phoenix Restaurant picking up dinner. The only question that remained was who would be home with the Kanakaredes girls to greet him.
“Sweetie? I think it’s just fine; we all have things we’re uncertain of, and what we have here is something Sia and her sisters and I can share with you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel safe about, but it’s just so brave of you to do what you’ve done already.”
“I feel like an idiot...so...stupid.” Caleb shook his head no, evoking a ‘no’ from Olympia.
“No, child…no. Please don’t feel like that. You’re just trying to find yourself.” Caleb hadn’t meant to, but he looked over at Sia and would have stared but for the return gaze by his best friend. As he looked at her he felt a stirring below; a fairly uncommon and unfamiliar feeling that caused his face to grow even hotter and redder. Things remaining the same when they should at least have been examined and upended and looked into became a shameful presence of things for which the boy had no control. He wanted to be right…to fit in with someone, and be somehow accepted.
The feelings were right because they were his and they were to be expected, no matter what might take place from then on. But they were shameful, and he burst into tears and ran back down the hallway. Unfamiliar with the lack of traction from the hose, he lost his footing and fell down and landed face first on the hallway floor; the thick carpet and the extra padding he had thought to add breaking his fall only somewhat, but doing nothing to mitigate the great embarrassment he felt. Olympia walked slowly down the hallway with Sia and sat down on the floor and gathered the boy in her arms.
“You remind me of my brother Nico…so sweet and innocent…” She pulled the boy close as his sobs caused his body to shake. Sia knelt down next to him and patted his back.
“It’s okay, Caleb. Really.”
“Come, child.” Olympia stood up slowly with Sia’s help and then lifted the boy gently to his feet; he was so light for a boy his age.
“You can sit in here,” she pointed to Sia’s bedroom,” and then when you’re ready, you can come out, but maybe walk slowly, okay? Sia will sit with you while you decide what you want to do.” The boy looked down at his dress; the gown had torn in the bodice and his ‘breasts’ had flattened from the fall.
“You can change if you like, okay?”
Sia said as she opened the door and led the boy inside, holding his hand like an older sister instead of a very pretty girl; at least that’s how she felt. Caleb shuddered at her touch, feeling all the same confusing feelings from a moment before, but now mixed all too solidly with guilt and self-hatred. Sia took his shudder the wrong way and kissed his cheek, sending him back into sobbing. He felt ashamed that he was a boy. He felt ashamed that he really believed he should be a girl. He hated that he had feelings for his best friend as conflicting ‘understandings’ about things regarding boys and girls and girls and girls and was he even a girl at all. He was, but it was something that needed clarification as much as if he was discovering a talent for piano or a flair for the dramatic or a brilliance in math. Olympia helped him in the clarification, simultaneously blessing and embarrassing the boy.
“Sia and I were talking about this, and we decided if it’s okay with you, we came up with a name for you.” The boy shrugged his shoulders at the remark until the woman said softly,
“Callidora. Do you like that?”
“It means beautiful gift!” You couldn’t blame Sia if you tried at that point; she was young and she only wanted to make her best friend feel good about herself. Well, it was almost the only thing she wanted to do for her best friend. Neither the spoken or unsaid reasons were realized as the third option once again made itself known when the boy burst into tears.
Companion
One day some time ago...
The little boy sat in the middle of the room with his hands upraised, trying to get the attention of everyone, but finding no success. Just then a man walked by him and paused.
“Hey, buddy.” The soft voice rasped. The boy looked up and saw a welcoming face; things had changed drastically in the past several weeks, but the smile remained on the man’s face, no matter what was going on.
“Daddy?” The boy practically shouted, but was almost unheard above the noise of the group of people sitting around the room. The man bent down and tousled the boy’s hair and kissed him on the top of the head.
“Where did you go?” He cried, getting the attention of the woman sitting next to her sister; the boy’s aunt rubbed her shoulder and pointed gently in the direction of the child.
“Oh, hon….” She put her hand to her mouth to choke back a sob as the boy sat alone on the floor with his hands outstretched upward. Soon the two had stood and walked over to the boy. His mother knelt down and touched his cheek with her hand.
“Mommy, where did Daddy go?” He cried softly. His aunt went to speak but her sister put her fingers to her lips to quiet her. She smiled and her sister nodded before returning to the couch.
“He’s not here, honey. Daddy’s in heaven,” she said with a half-smile, trying to be brave for her son. No one could be braver at that point, but bravery isn’t what the boy would need, even if it helped for the moment. He needed something his mother would never be able to give him, but that she would do her best to provide anyway; a blessing that neither would appreciate until years later.
“Don’t want him in heaven, Mommy. I want him here. Why can’t he be here?”
The boy cried. She felt lost and all alone; the love of her life gone at too young an age, leaving her with two girls and a boy…she thought…to raise all alone. The same God who had arranged for a sudden and sad departure of the man she loved would provide for her and her children in ways no one could ever imagine; supplying all their needs according to his riches as it says somewhere. They just needed to figure out where and what those riches were. She pulled him close to her and squeezed him gently in the most motherly hug she knew how to give, fearing that she would be left to father the child as well.
And while she held him, he gazed off out the window of the crowded living room and would tell everyone years later something that no one could believe but everyone came to finally understand. Just next to the Poplar tree in the side yard by Mrs. Calliente’s driveway, the boy saw a very kind looking woman; someone he thought he recognized but wasn’t sure. The woman waved to the boy and then simply faded into mist in the gentle rain that fell softly on the day of his father’s funeral.
Back in the present...
The boy walked sheepishly into the living room where four sets of eyes followed his movement as he slowly walked to the couch and sat down. He wore a pair of sweat pants and a mauve-ish looking tee shirt. His look was almost apologetic; anticipating the reaction from the two younger girls sitting together on the couch.
“Oh…pooey!” Izzie frowned and folded her arms. Penny shook her head but smiled at the boy and laughed softly.
“It’s okay, Sia…he’s nice enough just the way he is. Hi…Kaaaay-lehhhhhb!” She drew out his name like the awe-struck crushing twelve year old she was. Her twin nodded but added,
“I still think he would make a nice….what’s her name again, Sia?” She pointed to the DVD player as if the character would emerge from the television upon playing.
“They don’t really call her anything but the councillor.” Callie nodded and looked at Caleb and smiled.
“You can counsel me anytime you like!” The boy shifted nervously on the brick hearth by the fireplace; looking as inconspicuous as any boy can in a room full of girls. Part of him sighed inside as he thought about the opportunity he had passed up.
“Girls…do you think you could find something of a homework nature to do while I talk with our guest?” Olympia smiled and the two got up and smiled back and then at the boy before walking down the hallway hand in hand. Olympia waited a moment and when she didn’t see any further movement she added,
“Sia, honey. I think I would like to talk with your friend here.” She didn’t have to add ‘by myself;’ Sia took the hint and waved gingerly before walking down the hallway to her room.
“My Spiros and I are blessed, wouldn’t you say?” She wasn’t trying to be provocative; just a mother very proud of her children. But the boy was provoked nonetheless for several reasons, not least of which being that he wouldn’t mind being blessed by one girl in particular. And of course his guilt switch only had two settings; on and off, so he put his head down immediately. Olympia notices and spoke.
“Remember what I said when you arrived? We don’t judge here. I’ve known you how long? Almost nine years, Caleb, and in that whole time you’ve been nothing but a very proper gentleman.” If he hadn’t been so closed up and tight he might have cringed at the word. She noticed how uncomfortable he was and spoke gently as she got up and sat down next to him on the hearth.
“You know what I mean, child. You’ve been a good kid and have always been nice to my girls. Maybe a little nicer to my Aspasia, but what is the harm in that, I ask you.” She looked around the room as if she was asking unknown or anonymous critics of the boy who sat next to her.
“You’re a late bloomer, my Papa would say. You’re just finding out who and maybe what you are, and that’s okay. So no worries.” She put her arm around the boy’s shoulder and this time he did cringe.
“Oh, honey. It’s going to be okay. We’re all friends here. Yes, I said we’re all girls, but that was only for the moment unless God and you figure out otherwise. And maybe it will only be for the moment, but there’s nothing wrong with a boy wanting to wear pretty clothes. Okay?”
Caleb nodded, but with little enthusiasm. Olympia patted his back gently and then began to rub his shoulder softly; motherly to be sure and very attentive like a friendly nurse or a kind aunt.
“I think maybe it’s time you and I and maybe my Spiros if you don’t mind….maybe we should have a talk with your mom and dad, okay? Not today or even tomorrow, sweetie, but sometime soon when you’re ready, because this is too much for you to bear without the love of your family.”
She would never dream of pushing the boy into any decision, but she felt she had to include his parents since it was only fair to the boy; otherwise whatever she and her family helped him with might go for naught if his parents felt betrayed and left out. They had always seemed like reasonable people; she had to believe in them…she just had to.
After dinner...
“Okay, would you two mind cleaning up later? Your father and I need to talk with Sia and our guest, okay?” Penny frowned and shrugged her shoulders. Callie waved at Caleb before smiling sheepishly at Sia as if to say, “What…can you blame me?” The girls walked out of the kitchen, leaving Caleb feeling on the spot as Spiros sat back down at the kitchen table. He placed a mug of cocoa in front of the boy and smiled.
“Chocolate cures everything, you know?” His look was almost conspiratorial, as if he had discovered some secret of the Ages.
“My Olympia tells me you have a problem and that you need our help, is that right?” The boy put his head down and his face turned dark.
“Oh…no…not that. Your problem is that you want to tell your momma and papa about something and you maybe need someone to help you tell them?” Caleb still didn’t seem convinced until Olympia sat down along with Sia. The girl had heard the story many times before, and when her mother had held the boy in the hallway, she knew that some time during the evening they would hear it all once again. Olympia patted the boy on the arm.
“When I was in high school my brother Nicco had been in college for a short time. He was such a sweet boy…that’s what my momma and papa thought…we all thought. And one day he came to me and my sister Stella and began to cry.” Even at the mention of the meeting her eyes welled with tears. Sia tried not to cry, but this was personal and special.
“’Stella? Ola? I have something to tell Momma and Papa,’ he said. He put his head down and cried like I never knew. And when he lifted his head again it was like just being with us helped, but he kept talking.” She looked at Spiros for support. He nodded as if to give her the strength to repeat the oft-told story.
“’My…my name isn’t Nicco.’ He said it and we thought he was joking until he began to weep. ‘You don’t understand. I’m not Nicco. I never was.’ My brother had never been a very manly man, but he was no less a man than anyone I’ve ever known…but that he wasn’t a man at all, if that doesn’t sound too crazy!” She shook her head.
“’What did he call himself, Mommy?” Sia asked; the narrative was almost sacred, like a Seder or the telling of a very blessed family secret. Olympia smiled at her daughter.
“’My name is Callista…we thought he was being funny, like the actress. And he just laughed softly and opened his shirt. We were all girls then as well. He had a soft garment underneath his work shirt, and underneath the garment he had started….” She turned only a bit red as Sia touched her chest with her palm.
“You know? These?” She laughed softly as Caleb looked back and forth between the three. Any other man might have been embarrassed but Spiros continued the story where his wife had left off.
“He was no longer a he. Maybe he never was…but my Olympia gained a new sister that day. Of course it meant a lot almost immediately. Callie had to leave the Army…they didn’t allow girls like her to serve back then.” Olympia looked at Spiros and shook her head, remembering the supreme waste of resources and sad rejection her sister had to bear. She put her hand over her mouth.
“There was a medical outreach in Kabul.” Spiros sighed a deep sigh and continued.
“She had gone back after leaving the service. They were attacked and she died trying to save the life of an Afghani school teacher and her students who had been brought there after the school had been bombed. They both died, but the rest of the staff was saved by her actions and most of the children.” He put his hand on Olympia’s arm and rubbed it softly. She pulled his hand to her face and kissed it.
“So…you see, child. We know….and we understand.”
What should have been an encouraging moment attempted to become another brick in the wall Caleb’s guilt was building against the truth. But Sia saw the expression on his face and spoke; almost rudely but with an authority that was necessary for the moment.
“You have nothing…nothing to be ashamed of. My aunt would not want you to feel sorry for her, but if her death is to have any meaning outside of that place? It’s that you would understand that there’s nothing wrong with you. Mommy and Daddy will help you talk to your parents, Caleb, but you have to believe you’re okay. I want to keep you from being hurt, but only you can believe. No matter what you believe or don’t, okay?” Caleb had never seen Sia this assertive before; once again the geeky girl surprised because of the safety and strength she felt from her own parents.
“Okay?” Olympia tilted her head slightly and wiped the tears from her eyes, feeling proud of her daughter. She was bright and intelligent, but the thing that spoke volumes to the boy she saw shine through, like the most brilliant green or blue you’ve ever seen almost embarrass the rest of the rainbow with its richness. Sia was loyal and true and the best friend Caleb could or would ever have in his….lifetime. The boy looked back and forth between the three once again before nodding; this time a little less sheepish and perhaps even a bit confident. And then the voice spoke… Caleb would say later that there was never any intention of manipulation or pretending; just a need to feel authentic. His face was the same and yet it wasn't...the expression had softened and become almost serene. He opened his mouth and the sweetest, softest, gentlest voice said in almost a mezzo sing-song,
“Well? Okay.”
Heart of Gold...
Early evening at the Kanakaredes home...Sia's bedroom...
Nandi, darling.
It’s so good to see you, meimei.
You look wonderful.
And you look exactly the same as the day I left. How do you do that out here?
Sheer force of will.
"Caleb? Sia? We're going to leave to take you home, sweetie. Are you ready to go?" Olympia called. The two made their way up the hallway and into the kitchen.
“Well…maybe we should dress up, just in case,” Sia said as she stared at Cal…Callie? Even in accepting this part of her friend, she found it odd to see him as a her; maybe because she was even more enamored with the boy than her sisters. Was she suffering from puppy love? She went to stand up from the dining room table and her father put his hand up in a cautious but calm gesture.
“No, Sia. I know it’s going to be hard for your friend here,” he said, almost giving the impression that he was speaking as if the boy wasn’t even there. He followed it up with a friendly pat on Caleb’s arm.
“The only way things work in a family…ours and his…is if we are honest and open and completely transparent.” Sia looked at him askance.
“But Dad…what if his parents…” She paused and looked at Caleb before returning to her father.
“If his parents don’t accept that he….that he…” She almost stammered.
“It’s okay, Sia….” The boy smiled.
“’He’ is okay for now….I’m just figuring it out myself.”
“I know this will be hard,” Olympia said as she sat back down at the table, kissing Sia on the top of the head before settling in,
“But being straightforward? It’s the only way to go. .” She turned toward the boy.
“She loves you. And I don’t think your mom could have found a nicer guy than Jason, from what you've told us.” At that, Caleb put his head down.
“What’s wrong?” Olympia knew fairly well what was ‘wrong,’ but the boy needed an opportunity to talk about it; likely having no one to tell.
“What if….he can’t accept me? Mom loves him.” He didn’t go further, but his tone and the words already inferred what his fears had become.
“I think there’s room in your mom’s life for both of you, child.” Spiros said softly; almost as if he was speaking to one of his daughters.
“And we’ll be there when you tell them. All the way…holding your hand.”
Sia put her hand on Cal’s arm, causing him to flinch. Too many promises for such a daunting task and no hope in his heart kept him at least for the moment from feeling strong. The need for friends and the need for his family to understand overwhelmed him; Sia’s family’s generosity and love proved to be too much to take in, and his own family’s likely rejection probed to be too much to withstand, and he burst into tears, turning to Olympia and sobbing into her arm.
“It’s going to be okay,” she said as she held the weeping child. “I promise.”
Her last words caused the boy to literally convulse in her arms. She looked at her husband and he smiled even as he shook his head at the boy’s sadness. He mouthed some words that gave Olympia enough courage to have the same courage for the boy’s sake.
“S’ agapo! Tha eánai entá¡xe…” He actually blew her a kiss which she pretended to catch in her hand. He nodded and used his eyes to direct her to the boy and she then nodded back, kissing the boy’s cheek while saying the same thing to Caleb.
“Shhhh….Tha eánai entá¡xe…It’s going to be okay…”
The Jensen home, a short while later...
“Mom? You remember Sia’s mom?” Caleb nearly whispered as he walked into the house. Jason put down his paper and stood up, walking quickly to the front door.
“Hi. I recall meeting you at a block party last year. Name’s Jason; you’ve already met Lois,” he said as he used his hand in a broad gesture. Lois waved almost like a surprised child before wiping her hands with the dishtowel.
“I thought you and Sia were going to the convention. Hi…Olympia, right?” She held out her hand and Olympia shook it gently.
“Yes, and this is my husband Spiros. Sia says all the time how you make her feel so welcome.” Lois blushed a bit and Jason nodded slightly, his face almost expressionless.
“The kids decided to skip tonight; Caleb had dinner with us.”
“You didn’t have to go to the trouble of bringing him home. I would have been happy to pick him up.” Jason said as he seemed to stare at Caleb; almost blaming him for their inconvenience.
“Oh…no trouble. As a matter of fact, we wanted to drop by to talk with you folks if that’s okay?” Spiros said from the doorway.
“Sia and Caleb had a talk with us tonight at dinner and we figured you’d like to know what we discussed.” Olympia said it in such a way as to diffuse any worry over the topic; like an upcoming party or school event instead of a major discussion.
“That sounds fine; I just put on some coffee. Why don’t you folks have a seat?” Lois pointed to the living room. Jason waited until Spiros and Olympia had sat before sitting down himself; grabbing the wooden rocker from the corner. He leaned forward, almost anticipating some news. A moment later Lois had returned with a tray filled with coffee mugs and a carafe and creamer.
“What did you want to talk about?” Lois asked almost gingerly. Jason half-frowned in expectation; whatever the kids wanted to talk about wasn’t something casual. He looked over at Caleb and the boy put his head down almost reflexively.
“Caleb told us something about himself that he’s having a hard time facing. Sia thought we might be of help.” Lois cringed ever so slightly; whatever needed help had to be serious. Jason smiled to himself before he spoke; surprising everyone.
“Whatever it is that needs to be said? I’m sorry.” It almost seemed as if he was about to cut short the whole conversation, but he continued.
“It hasn’t been easy at all for Caleb since his dad died. I’ve tried to be there for him, but it’s just not the same. I’m so sorry I haven’t done enough to earn your trust, but I understand.” He smiled with an almost gentle look on his face. Lois stared at him and shook her head.
“Oh, no, honey…you’ve done a great job.” She said it as a way of acknowledging his efforts but he shook his head as well; continuing to feel the need for help.
“That’s just it, honey. I treated being his father like a job.” He paused and looked away. Not normally an emotionally demonstrative person, he nevertheless felt deeply and with great passion about his family. He bit his tongue and continued.
“Caleb. I want you to know that whatever you need to tell us, you can’t say a single thing that will change the love I have for you, okay? I’m sorry it came to you having to need help to tell us…to tell me. I am so sorry.” He stood up and walked quickly to front door. Stepping out onto the porch he turned to everyone.
“I…I need a couple of minutes, alright?” He closed the door behind him. Lois went to stand up and Olympia put her hand out.’
“I think very much that your husband will be okay. He is a very brave man to admit he was wrong. I think what he just did will help Caleb more than anything we could do or say.”
A short while later...
I learned something... When you live with that kind of strength, you get tied to it. You can’t break away, and you never want to. There’s something, there’s something I should have done a long while ago. And I’m sorry for both of us that it took me this long. I’m leaving.
“Jason?” He turned to find his step-son standing on the porch.
“What’s up, Caleb?” He rubbed the tears from his eyes with his sleeve; more to help see than out of embarrassment. The boy walked over and sat on the porch swing across from Jason, who leaned on the railing.
“I’ve got something I have to tell you and Mom, and I’m….I’m scared.” He put his head down; almost ashamed that he was afraid of the man who had chosen to adopt him. The man who had made a supreme effort to love him and his mother.
“I know, and I’m sorry for that. Please forgive me.” At the words Caleb lifted his head and spoke; trying to speak without crying would prove to be difficult, but not impossible. He took a breath.
“I’m not scared of you….I just ….I’m just scared. I don’t know what’s going on, and I’m scared….” He stammered and put his head down again. He heard the porch boards creak, and he looked up to see Jason standing before him. The man sat down next to him and grabbed his hands; not only uncharacteristic, but almost odd between a father and son. Between a father and son….
“I think I know.” He looked the boy over, almost as if he was examining him for flaws, from where Caleb sat, but he noticed the frustrated nervous look on the boy’s face. His own expression softened; a welcome smile spread across his face and he squeezed the boy’s hands.
“When you were little…not too long after your dad died and I had started to come to your church? I saw something. There was a moment when you and one of the Dooley kids were playing in the back in the playground. I was standing outside….it was before I quit smoking, and I was out back. The girl came up to the two of you and pulled a stuffed animal of some sort out of her backpack. The other girl almost shrugged her shoulders. I’d never seen a little kid look so bored. But your eyes lit up and you got so excited.” He shook his head, almost looking afraid that he was wrong in what he was about to say.
“I don’t …I don’t remember.” Caleb was apologetic, as if he was failing for not being able to recall such a brief and seemingly unimportant moment in time. He went to turn away, but the gentle squeeze of his hands kept his attention; albeit almost reluctantly.
“Listen, okay? I don’t know if I’m being a real idiot here, but I thought I saw something….something with you.” Caleb felt his cheeks grow red; whatever his stepfather remembered had to be bad. What if it was what he had feared would be discovered? What if it was time to face facts about himself and just how much Jason would resent. His fear darkened his already red face, causing Jason to speak; a soft reminder of just how wrong Caleb was about the man who held his hands.
“You were different, Caleb. Much more different than any father could have expected; birth or otherwise. But I knew it wasn’t wrong.” He blinked back some tears as he had begun to cry once again. He was so in love with his family, and he desperately hoped what he said next would not only say but prove that to his son…..his child….HIS child….
“You’re not the boy I thought you were….I think I’ve known for some time, but I just didn’t know what to say or do. So I’ve been reading…just in case.” The boy tilted his head slightly; his own tears nearly matching those of his step-father, but for entirely differently reasons. Once again, Jason took note of the change in the boy’s expression and one last time spoke to him in an effort to alleviate both of their fears once and for all.
“I married your mother for better or worse…..but in a way, I married you, since you were here long before I showed up. So now, for better or worse, and you can just get up and walk away or scream or hit me if I’m wrong. God knows I’ve been wrong before, and I’ll be wrong some times long after we forget this talk. But I realized then that I have …..a daughter.” As if to punctuate the word, he squeezed Caleb’s hands once again and before the boy had a chance to process what he had just heard, his stepfather pulled him close for a tentative hug.
“You know?” The boy….the child….the girl could hardly believe her ears. What had threatened to be the worst moment in her brief life proved to be the turning point as her stepfather demonstrated just how much she was loved. He pulled Caleb closed once again and kissed her on the cheek; a fatherly welcoming kiss…a defining kiss.
“Now….if you tell me the reason you and your friend and her parents came to speak with us tonight is because you got a C- in Calculus, then we’ve really got a problem, but I expect the smile under those tears is telling me that I was right?” He lifted the girl’s chin softly, almost as an inspection to see if everything was alright. It wasn’t entirely alright, since the conversation had to continue inside with the girl’s mother….but sometime between that moment and forever, it would be just fine.
Baobei!
A few moments later Jason reentered the house, followed closely behind by his stepchild. All eyes looked to see how things had gone on, hoping for a glimpse of relief through the expression on Jason’s face. He smiled and went into the kitchen without a word.
“How…how did it go?” Sia lowered her head as if to anticipate bad news. Caleb …’he’ was still Caleb she imagined smiled instead and walked over to Lois, who sat nervously on the couch wondering what her two ‘men’ had talked about. Neither seemed upset, and Jason actually seemed in a very good mood, judging by the sound of his strong baritone singing “Dites Moi” from South Pacific. A harbinger? What did that song represent?
“Mom?” Caleb grabbed Lois’ hand and squeezed gently. She looked into her child’s eyes and saw nothing of the anxious fear she had beheld only minutes before. Instead, Caleb’s face was a vision of peace; the calmest and most serene look she had ever beheld. And it came to her, just as Jason had almost known and held no surprise; an odd recognition that went beyond any words she could use to describe that she knew she had birthed a daughter instead of a son. She cocked her head sideways and communicated as only a mother can with her child; a nod in return followed closely by relieved and near joyful tears.
“Dites-moi…Pourquoi…La vie est belle…” Jason continued to sing as he came back into the living room, holding a tray with wine and paper cups along with crackers and cheese.
“Your voice is so lovely,” Olympia said; an odd but fitting description for the song that Jason sang. He nodded in thanks and went to continue. And of course, as we all know, the emotion of the moment and the recognition of the singing made it nearly impossible for him to continue as he choked up. Caleb turned to Jason and sighed, the child’s tears nearly matching his…her stepfather.
“What do the words mean?” Sia asked. She had seen a presentation of the musical in her drama class at school, but had never learned the meaning.
“Well, my dear sweet daughter,” Olympia teased, and then she began to sing, her alto as rich as Jason’s baritone,
Dites-moi pourquoi la vie est belle,
Dies-moi pourquoi la vie est gai,
Dites-moi pourquoi, chere mad'moiselle,
Est-ce que parce que vous m'aimez?
Dites-moi pourquoi, chere mad'moiselle,
Est-ce que parce que vous m'aimez?”
And then she spoke the translation…
Tell me why life is beautiful?
Tell me why life is gay?
Tell me why, dear miss?
Is it because you love me?
Tell me why, dear miss?
Is it because you love me?
Olympia looked smiled at Sia and Spiros before turning to nod at Lois. Lois, in turn, looked at her husband and her child…her daughter, actually, with pride as well. And Sia just sighed softly,
“Baobei…” Treasure.
That summer….
Two young women lay on the wide divan; both were wearing very sheer color robes that barely covered them. Soft music played in the background; the sounds of erhu and zhonghu blending in a sweet harmony that filled the room along with the smell of incense.
“Oh– that feels amazing. Oh, right there. Oh, that's perfect. I should have done this months ago.” Callie laughed softly; she hadn’t gained any mastery over the expected giggle that her condition ‘required.’ And she likely might never attain a soprano voice, perhaps having waited too long? No matter, her companion enjoyed her soothing breathy alto just fine.
“Well, we wouldn't have been here weeks ago.” Sia giggled; she’d been doing that all her life, of course.
“That’s such a shame….but better late than never,” Callie mused.
“It’s still wonderful, no matter how long it for me to ‘arrive!”
“For me as well. You have such beautiful skin.” Sia said softly as she played with Callie’s ear. She sighed a contented sigh.
“There's no need for the show Si… I just need to relax with someone who's making no demands on me.” It really was just relaxing; both girls were enjoying as much cuddling as proximity would allow since things were already in a physical flux for Calladora Jensen. With summer replacing the school year, she was beginning her new life along with a delightful combination of starting and stopping things in her body. And truth be told, relaxing was just fine with them both.
“Most of my clientá¨le is male, do you know that?” Sia quoted the episode verbatim, causing Callie to laugh.”
“Not Danny Kalish? Surely no!” Callie protested playfully.
“Danny might have had eyes for me, but now he’s got cow-eyes for Marcie.”
“And what of you, Aspasia my dear,” Callie said and then giggled for the first time in her brief life ‘outside.’
“If I choose a woman, she tends to be extraordinary in some way.” She paused in thought and then continued as if prompted by a script girl off ‘camera.’
“And the fact is, I always have the exact same need you do. One can not always be one's self in the company of men!”
“Never, actually.” Callie cooed.
“So no show. Let's just... enjoy ourselves.” Sia said in an affected husky voice.
“You are so lovely.” Callie started to say until a voice came from down the hallway,
“You two get on your homework before dinner!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f4WRYyWG0E
zhong qu*
*Finale
Music from Serenity
composed by David Newman,
Greg Edmonson, and Joss Whedon
All quotes and paraphrases based
on dialog from Firefly and Serenity
Dites Moi
from South Pacific
Words and Music by
Oscar Hammerstein II and
Richard Rogers
