Sweet Dreams 34…The first cut is the Deepest.

Chapter 34

*Jennifer…

I finally got out from under the drama and stuff with Alex and Hunter and stuff with home and my mom and my dad and I might not show it but I’m tired.

Yeah it’s the sleep tired but it’s a lot more than that. I’m just tired of being…me.

Of being mom’s little miss perfect and doing stuff so that mom had the perfect daughter and that she would look like the amazing parent when she’s been making mu life suck in her own special ways for years.

I had honestly for a long while seen Alex as my way out.

My dad had left my mom for this young thing but it had been like this almost as long as I can really remember.

It…I don’t know. I think dad messed me up just as much as mom did if not more. I mean the experts say that a little girl bases her whole dialog with men based on the relationship that she had with her dad. I know it’s kind of bullshit but at the same time…I think I’d be a different person if I hadn’t seen my dad screwing every young twat he could flash his wallet to.

And there was never a shortage.

And there was always lots of “Here sweetheart go buy something you want, you never saw a thing…”

So I guess if I really looked at myself then I’d see where I got to be me from.

And when dad split with the new toy he kept spoiling me and I honestly think I was partly used to being spoiled and partly punishing him but it wasn’t really worth it because mom would get so pissed when I’d come back from being with dad shopping bags in tow.

Mostly at him but mad at me too. Mad because she wasn’t getting this stuff anymore. Mad because she was the cliché. Divorced and not really getting chased by anyone with money for her tastes.

You know I sort of hated cheerleading at one point. It was something she’d picked out for me to do. Then it clicked, cheer camps, meets and away games I could get away from her and her bullshit.

I met Cindy in cheer, she’s really good but then again her mom was a cheerleader and her aunts and sisters it’s like the family thing for the girls in her family. Cheer get a scholarship and go to school on it.

She’s actually a better friend than I deserve.

Her life’s pretty drama free and stable mom and dad, lots of siblings and relatives and their house while like my mom’s place on the outside has this run through it look like people actually live there.

When we were first friends I hated it and didn’t really want to be there unless we hung out in her room.

I was an only child and she had two big sisters and two big brothers and parents who actually interacted with each other and the kids.

Real family scared the crap out of me.

But somehow that place gave me my best friend. The one who went with me to every sleepover and every cheer camp and cheered me on when I was feeling like a failure and stuff.

She was the one who pulled me in with a quiet “Don’t be her.”

That was don’t be like my mom.

Even now she’s right there helping me again.

Finding a place, doing all the footwork with me. Helping me survive Adam.

That’s one thing I might not be able to beat Hunter in…and that’s handling Adam. He scares the hell out of me because he looked at me for the longest time like I was my mother and only put up with me being with Alex because we looked good together and I could see the pre-nup in my future.

Mom thought we could get around it and was talking to lawyers about how to do that. Alex might go pro we thought. If not he’d be into Adams practice and she saw the dollar signs.

Me he was my ticket out of my life. I thought that we’d start over maybe far the hell away from both of them like Florida State or something.

When Hunter showed up before we started to become friends Cindy kept me in check so many times as I felt the walls of hell closing in on me because Alex was slipping away.

It took Cindy to tell me one night that Alex loved Hunter because Hunter was real.

And that I was getting to be her.

That was right after I had jumped Hunter at the mall and we never talked to each other for three days after that.

I hated that and lately…I don’t know, shit’s been wrong with her. She’s a quiet girl. Cindy is this smoking hot wall flower….yeah I’m bi…or a little bi…I mean to the point of when I was younger and stuff I kissed a few girls to like teach ourselves how to kiss boys and I ended up kissing two girls past that at cheer camp and I even got some over the bra action.

That’s it but as it sort of come up when we were talking about Hunter being freaked out about getting fixed…yeah I’m pretty sure I’m bi. I can see where other girls can be attractive and stuff.

Cindy like I said a smoking hot wall flower. Classic cheer goddess to sunshine blonde hair, blue eyes and a smoking body. With it being in her family she’s trained like forever and she’s kind of got that fitness model thing going on too. Big firm C-cups and long legs and that’s Cindy but toss is the fact she reads and stuff and she plays guitar too but she’s really shy with new people and especially guys and you got the whole wall flower thing.

But like I said she’s been quiet lately.

She’s even been talking and texting and stuff with Hunter. And that’s odd given Hunter’s still sort of new in our lives.

No I’m not worried about losing my best friend but something’s been going on and with the band aids on her hands and stuff and Hunter’s freaky life before us I’m kind of been dreading what it might be. She hasn’t been herself she’s been on edge a lot and I’m hoping it’s not drugs.

If anyone should be the fuck up on drugs it’s me. I mean look at my life right?

But Hunter hauled me off and we got stuff to eat and I still can’t get over how much things cost and how really little my stipend will go after everything. Coming back it just has this feeling of something…there’s something going on and Hunter said that Cindy needed to talk to me in my new bedroom.

I head down the hall to my room and the curtains are drawn and the lights are off and it’s dim in there despite it being still daylight.

I reach to turn on the lights and Cindy’s sitting in the middle of my queen sized bed and she’s crying a bit but…all around her all are my childhood friends…my stuffies…the family I had made up in my head when my real family was a complete malfunction.

I’ve instantly got tears going because my lovely sweet mother chopped the up with shears and destroyed them. I…I never even realized that the remains got packed up with the rest of my stuff that she had tossed out.

I thought that they were gone forever.

“How…how…?”

“You love them Jen it broke your heart when you lost them.”

“But…Cindy?”

“I had to…It hurt you so bad…I had too…”

“Your hands…?”

“When did we ever take home ec right Jen?”

“But why…that…that was so much work…”

“I had to Jenny…”

She hasn’t called me Jenny since we were like thirteen. She’s crying and I go over to her and sit on the bed in front of her and wipe the tears from her eyes.

“Had to?”

“Jenny…I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“No…Jen…I’m in love with you.”

Wha…

“Jen I’ve always been in love with you. I have loved you ever since I first met you…I’ve loved you before I even had a clue that I wanted you….wanted you just for me…I fell head over heels for you and ever since that time we were practice kissing at cheer camp I knew inside that there was no one else….”

She’s looking at me scared and breathless and I’m looking at her…then the bed and the stuffies and…

No one has EVER done something like this for me. Some thing straight from the heart and I’m crying at just really how huge a thing this is and that she’s here putting everything out there telling me that she loves me.

That she wants me.

I look at her again and my silence must be killing her and I look her in those eyes of hers. Those teary blue eyes of hers and I see something that honestly I never thought I’d see…not for me…never for me.

I see the way her parents look at each other, the way that Hunter looks at Alex and the way that Alex looks at Hunter and Cindy’s there in front of me her soul bared and crying, wishing, wanting, hoping and needing and…

It’s real…so real and for me…someone that really loves me and I see it…me…her…us…like some kind of veil got lifted and I see us…

Oh….ow…my heart.

“Kiss me…”

I barely registered that the words came out of me but Cindy sits up on her knees and she takes my face in her hands and she kisses me and it’s.

Kissing girls has never been like this…softer that soft and yet she knows exactly how to do it, how to hold my face in her hands how to kiss me so that every particle of me sings in this way that I never have felt in my life.

And she does it over and over…until those vibrations just have me gasping for air, panting and unable to think ….just feel and our hands move and we make each other shiver and tremble. I’m aching and aroused in ways I never knew were possible.

I’m not even sure when we lost our shirts then the rest of our clothing…

“I love you Cindy…I love you, I love you…of dammit I…I’m scared…I so…don’t deserve this…deserve you…please…please be real…please…”

“I’m real Jenny, I’m real…I promise…This is real…I...will love you forever...I promise.”

Her touches, her perfect touches so gentle yer firm, knowing me better than I know myself.

I cry out like a whore, I call out gods name over and over like a Madonna…I cry in her embrace like a baby.

I have never fallen in love before…never before not really not with the real thing.

I could go on forever about our first time making love…our first time…because I hadn’t ever been in love before…not like this…nothing’s like this…

And Cindy…it was her first time too…she told me how to touch her, what was good, what felt right and how to reach inside of her and touch her even deeper…my fingers touched something and she begged me for more and she begged me for deeper…and I didn’t know…it never even clicked until I was staring in her eyes and seen this look of pain flicker over her face there and…and…

“You…Cindy…you….?”

“I wanted it to be you Jennifer…just you…my heart…I was saving myself for you…”

My Cindy…the girl that was so nice, so sweet and so beautiful she could have anyone she wanted really…she saved herself just for me…me of all people and I stare in wonder at those eyes and I see something stunning…

I see my future there in her eyes…and there’s not a bit of fear in me about this, there’s no regrets and there’s just the most certain feeling I have ever had.

Love…