Jem...Chapter 51

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Jem…Chapter 51

Chapter 51

I should be more nervous than this about getting Dad to come over and telling him. I might be in shock, I’ve actually wondered if part of me isn’t stunned by this a little. I keep turning it over and over in my head as I make breakfast and really it’s just.

It’s where I might have been headed anyway.

I have a Mom thing.

Yes I know but I know that this is part of me. I lost her really young and it’s a deep part of my psyche. If had of been Dad it’d be the same thing we were a close and happy family.

I’m hormonally challenged, when I had my treatments for my cancer it hurt other stuff too, there were side effects and I ended up losing a testicle and that was pre-puberty so I didn’t really get the full blast of guy that some did…I’m sure that had an effect. I’m still sexually capable and I still like girls even though the thing with Mike happened I might be bi or pan.

I like female singers and I like singing their stuff I always have sung along to them when I was alone now I’m doing it as a band but still.

I think that stuff that something was there.

And then there’s the sex.

Rayne’s my first sexual partner ever and I’m the bottom, the flower to her bee, the girl in this relationship at least sexually.

And it doesn’t bother me.

I’d sure as heck likely enjoy sex with Rayne the regular way if it ever happened but I’ve got no really heavy drive or fantasies of driving into her and just humping away.

And actually getting to have a life…bonus.

Actually liking that life…bonus.

It’s all of that stuff. I have never really minded the clothes or the make-up or the dressing and I actually kind of enjoy it. I like getting to not have to follow the rule of macho-law where if I’m hurt or moved I can cry and not get accused of being a wuss or a fag and other lovely stuff.

I don’t have to deal with the whole guy and sex thing. There’s a lot of stuff about being a guy that’s really okay but there’s also all of these expectations too even in bed.

It’s kind of like I’m pan-gendered?

See as much as I said that there’s stuff that I can sure do without in being a guy…I never really had a problem with it. I liked being myself when I could be myself.

And that led me here.

Jem was a great way to disappear Jason and I had to make Angel up at first but it wasn’t as weird as I thought it was going to be. Then it was just getting more and more easy and natural and normal and I started to get that I wasn’t being hunted down like this because of Adam and his psycho vendetta. True he doesn’t like me as Angel but he’s got a bad case of the want but can’t haves.

So that led me into just letting go and at first it was like taking a vacation from being Jason then it was…then it’s really just me being me.

But me as a girl, as Angel.

And It’s really come to the point of I am Angel, I mean really.

So I guess that’s why in my head that I’m good with it as much as I am. I just hope that Dad is too.

I head upstairs with the food on a tray and Rayne’s still asleep when I get up there and just watching her sleep makes me smile. Though I am wondering if it’s the sex thing too. I really slept well this morning after everything and It was different after the whole tired self love thing.

Part of me so want’s to slide back into bed with her. I think that sleeping with someone, that having someone has to be at least as good as the sex stuff. Maybe there’s a lot more to Making Love than that. Maybe it’s all the other stuff too.

I set stuff to the side and I lean over and kiss her…I have to roll her over and likely wake her up but when I do it’s with a long soft waking up sleeping beauty kiss.

Then she does these amazing things…she crinkles her nose the she sighs and opens her eyes.

“Mmm…morning…”

“It’s a good morning, well afternoon.”

“Yeah?”

“Uh-huh, you want coffee?”

“Mmm, love some.”

I get her coffee from the tray as she does this amazing cat stretch. That’s such a female thing and I sort of wonder if I’ll be doing that just as naturally. I pass her the mug once she’s got her hair out of her face.

She takes it but pulls me into a long coffee kiss. “Thank you, I’ve never had someone bring me coffee in bed.”

“Mmm…full service girlfriend at your service.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

She’s looking at me like she’s trying to get it. She knows I just said something serious and her brain’s trying to boot up. She blinks a few times. “You sure about this?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Rayne it’s who I am now.”

“But your dad?”

“Dad’s coming over we’re going to talk.”

“Already?”

“No, there’s no already about it hon. It’s more like a simple yes to being me.”

“This isn’t because of me…?”

“Really? Rayne I love you but honestly this is about being who I am.”

“You sure?”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“You…”

I kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. “Yes dammit I’m sure? I Want this…I Need this okay?”

“Uhm…okay?”

“Good. Now here’s your breakfast.” I giver her another kiss then I reach over and set the tray over her legs. I love the way her eyes go wide.

“Angel….”

“Full service girlfriend remember?”

“No one’s ever done this for me before…”

“Good I want more firsts Rayne.”

“You do?”

“Yes, of course I do. I want to love and feel my way through the world with you.”

She blushes then rubs a tear or two away and smiles at me. “Thank you beautiful.”

I get up and I kiss her again.

“I’m going to go down and wait for Dad.”

“Okay…you want me to come down?”

“It’s okay, eat take a long bath. I this is something I’ve got to get through with me and him right now.”

“Okay…”

I head downstairs and head into the kitchen and yes I’m nervous but at the same time I’m pretty good about things.

I grab some bread and cut slices and then grab some bacon and eggs and some cheese slices. I whip up some slices of French toast first while the bacon’s cooking in the microwave and then make grilled cheeses with a slice of French toast in the middle and crispy bacon.

I’m making canned tomato soup or heating it when I see Dad pulling in. I meet him at the door and oh of course being Dad he’s carrying two arms laden with bags of groceries. I take some of the bags off his wrists.

“Dad…I wanted to talk, you didn’t have to do this.”

“I’ve got four girls now to love and look out for right?” He looks me right in the eyes from that close and he knows…hell he likely had this figured out before me. I have this huge lump to swallow.

“Yeah you do?”

We barely get inside the door when he sets the plastic bags down and he pulls me into this huge Dad only big crushing hugs. I cry, I cry and I shake and he picks me up when my legs give and he carries me into the kitchen.

I really didn’t think I was hanging by that much of a thread, or that scared. There has to be some kind of special magic that Dad’s have. Mom’s have their powers the ability to create stuff from almost nothing, to cook and clean and care with joy and then there’s Dad’s.

Who can say hundreds of things without words, who can make the whole world better and everything alright with something as simple as taking you into your arms and hugging you.

And mine can do all of that and using only one arm he can also keep the soup from burning on the stove.

It takes me awhile to get it together but I look at him.

“Dad…You know I love you right?”

“Of course I do, no doubts.”

“You know if it was really who I was I wouldn’t mind being like you right?”

“Angel…I’d have liked to have a kid that’s into some of the same stuff as me but that’s never the point of having children…I want my child to be HAPPY…you came from love Angel, it doesn’t even matter what you do, who you need to be, if you stumble as you run or if you soar. I just want you to be happy and loved.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “Daddy…”

He hugs me really tight.

“And for the record young lady I’m so proud of you. You came into becoming this amazing girl. I’ve always been proud of you as Jason, you were always so brave but you changed as you became more and more this amazing girl. You’ve taken all the really amazing things that you’ve always been and you’ve let them out. You pull people along with you picking them up along the way. You’re Mom was like that and you are so much like her.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “I am?”

“Yeah and right now she’s happy y’know.”

(Sniffle.) “She is?”

“Yeah I know her honey, your Mom was the love of my life, my best friend long before we became lovers and still my best friend after we got married…it never changed. Right now she’s happy because we’re so lucky.”

(Sniffle.) “Lucky?”

“Yeah I get to have had an incredible son and I get to have an amazing and talented and beautiful daughter. And she gets to see you become this amazing girl that I know she’s hugely proud of her baby girl.”

“Dad…”

I hug him and bury my face into his shoulder and cry some more. Just the stuff he said and that she might say and I swear I feel her on the other side of the hug as I cry a good cry on my Daddy’s shoulder.

I can almost see her in my head just like she stepped up out of thin air to wrap me up in a hug of her own. I know it’s the sunshine from the window, and maybe the heat from the stove but I still feel her.

It’s the her that travels around in Dad’s heart.

It’s something I really believe in….we all carry pieces of those we love inside of us. And sometimes when we get those feelings just right inside of us or sharing them with others we bring them back to life.

I just stay there and breathe in his arms and soak this feeling into my heart for as long as I can.

~Hi…Mum…It’s Angel….Thanks for loving me.~

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Comments

Major tissue allert!

It's important to pay attention to these tags! I'll have to restock on tissues tomorrow! Thanks Bailey!
Hugs
Grover

A smaller chapter but an important one.

I was even using my tissues writing this one.
You're very Welcome Grover:)
*Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Major tissue alert!

Podracer's picture

Missed that! Ambushed :(
Fortunately we have good stocks in.

"Reach for the sun."

Again, I'm really liking this series...

...I think a lot of sentimental things in this series come straight from who the author is. A person may begin to know bailey summers through reading this.

As a male I never really felt any pressure to never cry. But, The pressure to be dominantly sexual (which I will never be) is clearly pushed mainly by peer pressure it was never pushed on me by my dad which may be because he was somewhat of an absentee dad. I still get that pressure and it doesn't only come from guys. I'm sure most everyone in my family believes I am gay even though they know that I have a clinical depression (that is a personal diagnosis) and an over-sensitivity. My mom even made it a point once to say it wouldn't matter to her (that was a statment unprovoked in any way).

Also the idea that we carry a part of our dearly departed is a notion that I would never disspell. I have felt part of both my little brother and my dad in my mannerisms and thoughts.

Thank you for that:)

I really do believe that we do carry those we love with us and that they can still be there for us even after.
I do believe that there really is this social pressure where things are supposed to be this and not that and there's certain things that "Guys" just have to do, things that sink or try to sink into the brain regardless of the chemical stuff going on.
There's the same thing of course for women and there's even those "Roles" for Gay or Lesbian peoples but what if you don't feel like any of the above fits?

What if regardless of gender just make love?
I guess that sort of where Angel fits.
Not genderless, not guy or girl or even "She-male."
It's more like Angel...Just Angel is her gender and sexuality all in it's own source.

*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Oh Bailey!

Oh you made me cry, okay? very very good.

Draflow

Thanks so much Draflow:)

This one even got to me too:)
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

I'm gonna have to go all-caps.

On my Tissue Alerts? I hope your keyboard can dry out. Glad for the happiness and *Big Hugs for the forlorney stuff*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

I love language, don't you?

Andrea Lena's picture

Bailey Summers - From Ye Olde Jersey Dictionary and Repository of Marginally Helpful Words:

Bailey - Bail - from Bayl - paper package or bundle; ey - to cry or weep;
Summers - Sum - to speak or shout; ers - to warn;
Hence, Bailey Summers - bundle of paper for crying; to shout a warning:

Bailey Summers = Tissue Alert

Glad I could help, aye?

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Beautiful

Jemima Tychonaut's picture

“Angel…I’d have liked to have a kid that’s into some of the same stuff as me but that’s never the point of having children…I want my child to be HAPPY…you came from love Angel, it doesn’t even matter what you do, who you need to be, if you stumble as you run or if you soar. I just want you to be happy and loved.”

I had a lot of trouble reading anything after that because of the amount of tears in my eyes. I'm not sure I've read a better parent-child 'coming out' scene told in so few words. It was beautiful and perfect.

*sniffly hugs*



"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

*Sniffy hugs* are awesome:)

Sometimes honestly I get just as surprised as all of you by the stuff that the characters come up with. I get so into it I have to stop and re-read it sometime going oh...

I'm really liking Jeremy Powers.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Thanks so much Dorothy:) Offer paper towels...

I really sort of believe in that part where we carry those we love with us. Not only that but they do live in our hearts really. If you like you could even look at it like this...even if the person we hold in our heart wasn't the greatest person while they lived...maybe the way we feel and see them and hold those memories tight and share our lives with them...

Maybe we're giving second chances...
And maybe these chances count.

I really liked the way the Dad turned out, the stuff he said...especially when he talkind about Angel's Mom.

*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...A Proud Big Brother.

Bailey Summers

New Tag

NSFRIP - Not Suitable For Reading In Public. I read this while sitting in a restaurant and by the end every waitress in the place had come by to make sure I was alright. Went through a good-sized stack of paper napkins. Well-worth it!


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

Gosh Wow Karen:)

that's an amazing compliment. I was trying to hit the right marks and points with this and I'm so glad that I did. It's getting told stuff like this that makes me keep writing and loving it:)
*Great Big Huge Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

I'm so jealous!

My Dad's cool like that, but Mom & the rest? Never happen. Oh well.

I loved the ending, Bailey. I was doing okay until that. Well done!

Hugz!

Wren

Angel would be way more than willing to share the love:)

You're really lucky that you have the Dad and you never know just love and feel and remember someone had enough and you might just feel them. I'm glad that you liked it honey:)
*Great Big Hugz*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

short but intense

a lot of content. her dad is so on the ball.
great job, thanks

Thanks Lonewolf

Like I said small but really important.
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Ohhh Bailey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pamreed's picture

Now you made me cry!! A happy cry!! Angel is so lucky to have such a wonderful Dad!!
My Dad passed away when I was 12, so he never got to know the true me. At least in
person. I have always talked to him and we discussed my transition a lot!! That is
why my initials are PAR, you see that was his as well.

Hugs,
Pamela Ann Reed

That's a lovely thing Pam and honestly...

I do believe that we can connect in our own ways to the loved ones that we've lost. The more that we remember and care and interact with them the more real they become. It's just as good to me as anything else in this world really right? It so sounds like you get that.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

I just knew it Bailey!

Mum just had to come back into the story to fulfil both their lives.

And Bailey, you just did it beautifully.

You are an artisan.

Hugs

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter!
(Mark Twain)

LoL
Rita

*Sniffle*

Oh happy tears... here's to the lucky girls and boys who's families get them...
and this... "I want to love and feel my way through the world with you.” I want that with my Lisa Dani forever and ever.
Thank you Bailey, My lovely loving Brother.
Sniffle Hugs,
Moon

*Sniffles* are good Moon:)

You help me write this y'know. There's times when we talk and I'm bouncing ideas off you or we're just talking and I get charged up because you're my sister and you get me better than blood.

I can so see you and Lees doing that for real Moon, I know that you will:)
You are so welcome honey, always welcome.
*Great Big Brother Hugs for awhile*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

sNIFF Sniff.

Wonderfully warm and loving. It is funny but in a way it both hurts because I never experienced this type of love and it feels good because I know it does exists. Sorry I will write more later now I want to enjoy my good cry it feels good.
Thank You
Michele

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

celtgirl_0.gif

Thank you so much Misha.

I really do believe that there is a love like that out there for us. It'll find us though when we least expect it. It's the way My sweet girl Jonelle and I happened. Enjoy the sweet tears, sometimes they help.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

Jem cpt 51 was ... was.... reallllllly good

So Angel is here to stay...

And dad is totally accepting, even to the point of saying mom is too.

So she has decided she is ALL of who makes up Angel, Jem and Jason included. She, the complete person IS Angel but who she once was is important too.

Rayne has come to that conclusion herself as in recent chapters she is trying to love every aspect of Angel. In the latest chapters you can feel with her as her love for Angel is struggling with her ingrained revulsion at men/the betrayal by Scummer/her break-up -- at Scummers hands -- from her family to find a place where she can love Jason as well. A brave girl our Rayne.

Two damaged people reaching out, loving, adapting, trying.

Sweet.

I love the contest of how these flawed/hurt people -- I include all of Butterfly and their close friends - are moving forward, getting better with Angel's help while Scummer, an equally flawed/damaged person is falling deeper into the mire courtesy of Adam.

So when do we drop the hammer on Adam and co?

John in Wauwatosa

P.S. Angel's dad noted that she is so much like her late mother, another person who reached out, took in *strays*.

Doubly sweet.

John in Wauwatosa

If Angel was a bit heavier and a bit curvier she twin her Mom.

I'm really glad that you're enjoying this story John. There's a lot of evolution here in the characters surrounding Angel as she grows and changes herself. i'll have to say that I really agree that Rayne is also quite the heroine in the story.

Thanks for the great comments as usual John:)
I smile everytime I see one.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.

Bailey Summers

What can I say

tmf's picture

What can I say more than all of the other comments.
and the ending ~Hi…Mum…It’s Angel…… Thanks for loving me.~
Need some time inbetween reading and commenting.

Peace, Love and Happiness
tmf

Good, her father accepts her,

Good, her father accepts her, but that was to be expected. Now she'll have to face the real problems that haven't gone away as angel. She may have decided to be Angel, but the world hasn't forgotten Jason.

Thank you for writing this interesting story,

*hugs*
Beyogi

sniffle s'all I can say. Big

sniffle s'all I can say.

Big sniffly hugs

Lizzie :)

Yule

Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p

I think

my local Wal-mart may run out of tissues before I catch up with all of these chapters.