ERU: All Sales Are Final...


This is a shameless ripoff of another, more successful series. Any resemblance to self-promotion is purely intentional

I’m glad to tell my story. Really! It’s been a long and interesting journey. As a kid, I took so much grief for being awkward and almost gangly, and I never really fit in with the boys my age. It was hard from all the teasing, but even when nothing was said, the silence was, as they say, deafening. The only solace I got was from reading, and I plunged into strange worlds and different planets populated by dragons and shape-shifters; penned by writers with names like Bova and Heinlein and LeGuinn.

My name is Jamie Austin, by the way. Yeah, I know, someone in my parental unit thought it was clever since she ….did I say she…wished she was Lindsey Wagner. Not Jimmy…not James, and not that it made much of a difference. I wore dungarees and tee shirts, but I was a little girl on the inside. It might have been better if I had never been born, but my therapist says that’s just the ghosts of the past lying to me once again. We’re still working on why the hell my father thought it was funny enough to give me the middle name of Julius…you know? Like Mom and Dad walking through the mall; him strutting and her waddling with me in the oven.

“Mmmm….Carter? Let’s share an Orange Julius!”

“I’ll get two; you never share,” my Dad told her. So they sit down in the food court and her water breaks…and rest, as they say, is history.

There was this girl; Colleen Malarkey, of all things. She was as pretty a girl as I can ever remember, and she took me under her slightly higher wing and made sure I was okay. She even beat the holy shit out of the school bully, Buster Parks in seventh grade. You can’t make up names like these, by the way. If I bowed my head in embarrassment over ‘Jamie,’ I’m sure Buster compensated majorly over ‘Arnold.’

Colleen and I grew up together; best friends forever. She let me try on her clothes and I let her win at Mille Borne and Rummy. And we always knew there was something magical about how things would turn out for both of us. She ended up getting her degree in Microbiology, and works as a clinical pathologist for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I on the other hand, schlubbed along, without direction as every day I grew older and further away from any hope I’d actually get to be whom I thought I was. Yeah…My mother tagged me right with Jamie; since she and maybe everyone else who ever met me knew what I knew; I was a girl all along.

Colleen and I were living together in Peabody, where she had a weekly daily commute to her job and I spent every day as a veterinary assistant right there in town, finally working toward my DVM. Little did I know that things would change, and how awesome and absolutely scary my life was about to become.

She came home one evening after a very long day at work, and she was so totally wiped that her patience with me was right on the edge.

“It’s time you did something about that dream of yours, Jay Jay!” She actually balled up her windbreaker and bounced it off my head. Now here I am wondering if I’m going to be the subject of a femme domme letter in some magazine somewhere when she says,

“I know where we can go…some women…” The word women sounded so ominous that my brain did a gender disconnect and I actually looked down at my crotch. She nodded with a big toothy grin. Her left canine is a little bit squeezed, giving her an odd one-fangish look.


“They work magic, honey,” she said with a sing song lilt in her voice. I was not only encouraged but captivated. The thought of a dream come true got me to agree to do the dishes for a week. I swallowed hard; magic is such a daunting word. She nodded her head and flashed that tooth again, and soon I was on my way.

“Enchantments R Us,” she said, musing about our appointment with destiny; our appointment because everything that affected me would affect her as well. I shuddered at the thought of enchantments; those things usually go about fifty-fifty in stories between horrifying and dreamy, and I was worried that I’d end up in the former category. Colleen is so much stronger than I am, and she patted my on the wrist; the ‘there, there’ gesture that makes you feel everything is going to be okay, you know?

“So this is your partner? Hello, I’m glad to meet you. My name is Zoey.” A tall woman greeted me and smiled warmly. An expression that at first is a tad scary but then softens and lets you in? She shook my hand.

“Well, Jamie, I expect you might be a little wary of what we do, but I can assure you that we have been at our craft for quite some time, and everyone comes to realize just how good things can be if they put their lives in our hands.”

There was an arrogance that might have been off-putting but she seemed to have the goods behind the bravado, and I shuddered as she pointed to two others who stood behind her; their faces eager and welcoming. They both nodded, as did the few other women who stood off to the side. I was scared but I felt I was in good hands.”

“Jamie…you know that once you start down this road? We can do miracles; such is the gifting we have been given to the benefit of those who seek our help. But we cannot undo what will be done, once it has been completed.” I nodded nervously…. Time seemed to stand still and slip by at a furious pace all in the same moment. I literally lost track of everything. And before I knew it, it was done.

* * *

Quite a bit of undefined time later...

“Jamie?” I was lying down, a light blue gown covered my body, and Colleen smiled at me. Standing by her stood three of the women I had met; all smiling but with an underlying anxiety.

“How do you feel,” One of them spoke, Zoey. I went to speak and a harsh rasp filled my throat. I could barely whisper.

“It hurts.” She nodded in sympathy. Of course she wasn’t surprised, but she continued.

“I’m very proud of you, Jamie. It hasn’t been an easy road for you and Colleen.” She looked over at my dearest and smiled.

“The road is paved before you with whatever you will use from within to proceed on your journey.” She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead; a gesture that while not common, was neither a surprise. She gripped my hand and spoke quietly, but with a haste in her speech….

“Dr. Noorah will look in on you tonight, and you know the nurses here will be with you every step of the way, literally, when you get the okay to go mobile.” She pointed to a pole frame on a small wheeled base; a hook waiting for whatever nourishment and pain medication it might hold.

“I didn’t think it would hurt so much and feel so great at the same time!” I croaked. Zoey nodded with understanding; her experience with girls like me spanned a couple of decades.

“It’s like childbirth in a way, which is very ironic and wonderful, honey.” She used her hand in a broad gesture to point to Colleen’s bump. Colleen smiled; her face grew a dark pink and her tooth showed just a little as she smiled broadly.

“I’ll drop by after dinner; I have a procedure in about two hours and I need to take a nap, okay?” She raised her eyebrows in question and I nodded with just a wee smile and a slight grimace. I watched the women leave the room and I could have sworn they hovered. I put my head back on the pillow. Colleen wiped my brow with a cold wash cloth and as I gave into the pain medication I swear I heard Dr. Zoey singing softly as she checked a chart at the nurse’s station across from my room.

“Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo Put 'em together and what have you got bibbidi-bobbidi-boo…..”

* Actually, this isn't a Universe at all; Never Mind!

Words and Music by
Al Hoffman, Mack David,
and Jerry Livingston
As performed by
Vern Felton

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