Our Nutcracker Adventure, Chapter 3

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Collin, now Colleen for certain, is still hiding from the world. While attending ballet for a performance,
others around her begin to see through the cracks in her day to day disguise as Collin.

How much longer can she stay hidden?

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Our Nutcracker
Adventure

Chapter 3

by Torey

Copyright © 2013 Torey
All Rights Reserved.

 


Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.


 
 
Chapter 3
 
Be careful what you ask for ...

Or sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut ...

I pestered Miss Jana about keeping my hair long.

I couldn't explain that it was the symbol of true gender identity. There, I said it.

Colleen the girl was fighting so hard to keep it while trying to remain stealth as Collin, the boy.

I found myself pleading my case in Madame Kathryn's office with the artistic director/ballet school director herself. And her backup, Miss Olga, who despite her Russian name and Bolshoi training, was only in her 20s like Miss Jana. But she was as tough as her Russian training.

"Alright Collin, I'll let you keep your long hair," Madame Kathryn said. "You've worked hard. And unlike the other boys in the school, your uniform is very much up to code, isn't that right Miss Olga?"

Miss Olga shook her head yes.

Just before I was about to crack a smile, Madame Kathryn ordered Meg and Miss Jana to come into her office.

Meg had a "Me? what did I do?" look on her face.

"I think Collin thought I was kidding when I said I would make him wear a bun during Nutcracker rehearsal," Madame Kathryn said.

I wasn't the only one. Miss Jana told me later, she thought Madame Kathryn was kidding, too.

"Collin, I want you to look at your cousin's hair," Madame Kathryn said. "See how beautifully neat it is in a bun?"

I shook my head yes. Meg had a smile of pride. She put a lot of effort into her bun.

"Miss Jana, if Collin insists on having long hair, the rule that applies to the girls will also apply to him," she said. "Not just during Nutcracker rehearsal. For every ballet class at this school, it must be in a bun or you will not be letting him take class."

"Not a problem," Miss Jana said.

"Meg, you will teach your cousin how to make a proper bun," Madame Kathryn said. "My company rule applies to all girls who aspire to make it, and that rule now also applies to you, too Collin. I expect all company and junior company members to do their own hair. I don't want your mother doing it. I don't want your aunt doing it, understood?"

"Yes ma'am," I said.

I truly didn't know whether to be happy or frightened by this new development.

I wanted to be more of a girl, sure. But giving up being Collin wasn't really part of the plan just yet.

And I wasn't trying to be a sissy, effeminate, dancer, either.

"OK, Collin, Meg, it's time to get along to your classes," Madame Kathryn said.

"I can't really blaming him for wanting to keep his hair long," I heard Madame Kathryn whisper to Miss Olga. "He really has beautiful hair. I know a couple of company girls who are envious."

Miss Jana had her arm around me as we walked into the classroom.

I thought I had one more class with the ponytail. I was mistaken.

"Before we start, Beth and Emily asked me to teach them how to put their hair in a proper bun," Miss Jana announced. :I believe I'll demonstrate before we do barre."

Beth and Emily were former Ballet IIs like me who were promoted. Their buns were, to put it politely, somewhat of a mess.

"Since everyone else already has their hair in buns, I will use Collin to demonstrate," Miss Jana said.

Imagine a ballet room full of laughter and giggles. That's what we had as Miss Jana dipped into her bag for bobby pins.

"Since Collin insists on having long, flowing beautiful hair," Miss Jana said, "Madame Kathryn insists on keeping that long, flowing hair in a bun during ballet class."

Again, laughter and giggles filled the room.

But slowly turned to silence as Madame Jana twisted my hair like a spider might spin a web. She pinned it up.

"Viola!" Miss Jana said. "I now present this new bunhead for inspect by his fellow bunheads!"

There were some oohs and ahhs as the girls in the class inspected Miss Jana's handiwork.

"Collin, don't take this the wrong way," Lucy said. "But you really do make a beautiful girl."

I blushed.

"I'll take that as a compliment, I guess?" I said.

A part of me really loved the moment. A part of me still felt very awkward.

A couple of the other girls whistled when I walked over to the barre.

"OK ladies and gentleman, it's time to get serious," Miss Jana said.

I began to wonder if gentleman really applied anymore.

"Ok, plies, please!" Miss Jana said. "Demi, demi, grande, porta bras forward and back. Side to side in second. Check your balance in fifth at the end. Arms in fifth."

Nothing else was said about the bun the rest of the class. I felt I had enough metal in my head to pick up a station in Seattle.

"Flow with the music," she said as we worked on a combination in centre. "It's not enough that you can do a triple pirouette, it's the steps in between that make you a dancer."
 

#####

 
"Is there something you're hiding from me?" Mom asked as we ate a meal at our favorite Chinese restaurant.

"Nothing, Mom, really," I said between munches of sesame chicken and broccoli.

"We used to be able to tell each other everything," Mom said. "But I think there's something you're not telling me."

"Whadda ya mean, Mom?" I said as I sipped my egg drop soup.

She pushed a few strands out of my face.

"I've always loved your long hair," she said. "And I'm getting used to you wearing earrings. And I do admit, the fact that you're wearing an old purple tank top of Meg's with your cut off shorts is kind of cute. But your sudden change of wardrobe does have me wondering."

"It's nothing Mom, really," I said as I opened up my fortune cookie.

"Ma'am, can I get you and your daughter anything else?" the waiter said.

"No, we're good," Mom said.

She looked at me.

"You didn't even flinch when he called you my daughter," Mom said.

"Well, you didn't bother to correct him," I said.

We both started laughing.

A few minutes later, Miss Jana walked into the restaurant with her fiancé.

They sat down at a table next to ours.

"Good class tonight and good rehearsal, Collin," Miss Jana said.

She told her fiancé I was one of the up and coming students at the ballet school.

"He keeps improving, every major company in the country will want him in a few years," she told her fiancé and my mother.

"I am very proud of him," Mom said. "I'm glad he's found something he's passionate about."

Mom and Miss Jana talked a few more minutes about how well I was doing in class, and what I needed to work on, and my parts in Nutcracker.

Miss Jana then brought up about the new bun rule.

"Collin was a good sport about it in class," Miss Jana said.

Mom admitted later she didn't know how she felt about the bun rule.

"I guess I never pictured my son being a bunhead," she said as we got in the car. "But I do like it that you're doing ballet. I can picture you dancing with New York City Ballet one day and me being one proud momma."

I gave her a hug.

"Thanks Mom," I said.

She gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"Collin," she said as we arrived home. "There is one thing I want to ask you."

"What's that Mom?" I said as we walked toward the door.

"I know with the divorce, and now that I'm dating Rick, there may be some issues we're both dealing with," she said. "Would you mind if we scheduled family therapy? A friend of mine that your Aunt Amy and I went to school with is a specialist."

"OK, I guess," I said as we walked into the living room.

"One other thing," Mom said. "She specializes not only in family counseling ... but she has experience with gender variant children."

"You think there's something with me?" I said.

"No, honey," Mom said. "But I am beginning to wonder if the boy I'm raising is really a girl."

I sat down at the bottom of the stairs. The tears began to flow.

"How did you know?" I cried.
 

#####

 
"I think it's a good thing, you know?" Meg said as she tugged and pulled at my hair as she tried to show me how to put it in a bun.

"I still don't know," I said, trying to make sense of what Meg was doing to my hair.

I told Meg it felt awkward spilling my guts to Mom.

"Hey Mom, I not only like radically want to become a ballet dancer, I want to be a girl," I said.

"Finished!" Meg said, easily going back and forth between helping me make a bun and hearing my latest travail of my gender story.

Just then Aunt Amy peeked in.

"We need to be going in about 15 minutes," Aunt Amy said. "Woa ... I told your mom I thought you favored Meg more than Jack did. I think this proved my point."

She came back a couple of minutes later with a photo of Meg in a bun when she was my age and held it up to the mirror.

"What do you two think?" Aunt Amy said.

"That's so amazing," Meg said.

"Oh my God, I'm your doppleganger," I said. "That's really, really freaky."

The three of us broke into laughter.

"So, how do you really feel about it," Meg said. "Not just your mom knowing."

"Weird, sometimes, still," I told Meg. "It's no longer, Sometimes I feel I want to be a girl. There is no wanting to it, now. I mean, I feel I am a girl. But I'm not ready to show the world I am a girl, at least not totally. And I'm not sure I want to give up being Collin. Not yet. I'm scared Meg. Really scared."

Meg held me close.

"I meant it, that day in the shed," Meg said. "I have your back. You are my sister, don't you ever forget that."

Just then my Aunt Amy walked in. I had no idea she was listening.

"Don't you two ever lose that bond," Aunt Amy said. "When you are both grown women like your mother and me, you'll appreciate that bond even more. Now girls, we got to get going."

"You hear that, grown women," Meg said. "Plural as in us."

"Aunt Amy, I didn't know you knew," I said.

"Your mom and I have suspected something since last summer," Aunt Amy said. "But now it's time to get in the van. It's time for my two young ballerinas to go dance."

"One question, Mom," Meg said. "Does Jack know?"

"No, and I think it's best to keep it that way," Aunt Amy said.
 

#####

 
"Very nicely done, Collin!" Miss Jana said. "You picked up on the combination very well. But point your feet a little more during the pas de bouree. But your pique turns were really solid."

"It took me two years before I could pique turn in a circle," said Leigh, one of my peers in Ballet III.

"Yeah, but let's see him do it with a parasol like we have to do in the Chinese dance for real," said Alli, one of the other girls in our class.

"Sounds like it's a dare, doesn't it, Collin?" Miss Jana said.

I smiled and grabbed a parasol amd joined Hannah, another one of the girls in Chinese.

"I'll betya a mocha frappucino he pulls it off," Lucy said.

"You're on," Alli said.

The music started to play. I think I did better the second time around.

"Perfect pique turns around each other, Collin and Hannah," Miss Jana said. "In unison. Just like I want on stage."

The dance ended in applause.

"During the carpool tomorrow, you're going to have to pay up," Lucy told Alli.

After class ended, Lucy and I both went to the window to watch Ballet V-VI class. They were combined. They were ending class doing Waltz of the Flowers.

Madame Kathryn saw us and motioned us to come in.

"It's OK for you two to watch," she said, motioning us to the bench in front of the mirror.

Meg was amazing. She was beaming. Her steps were flawless.

"I'll be so glad when we're in this class one day," Lucy whispered. "My sister Piper is so beautiful, and your cousin Meg is too."

"Wonderful job ladies," Madame Kathryn said. "And now for reverence. I'd like for our two visitors to come and lead us."

I looked at Lucy.

"Us?" I asked.

"Fraid so," Lucy said as we got and took our places in front of the company and junior company girls.

I took Lucy's lead when the music started. I was nervous, but evidently we did well. It ended with the girls curtseing. I bowed.

"Nice job, you two," Madame Kathryn said. "And Collin, your bun looks lovely."
 
 
Related Video Scene:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNblonfOWOE

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To Be Continued...
 

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Comments

Does He or Doesn't She

So the question is: Does he or doesn't she, or is that does she or doesn't he, or, I guess best said, What does Collin really want? Part of Collin thinks he wants to be a girl, but another part does not want to give up being the boy Collin and the male dancer. He doesn't want to be a ballerina, but he enjoins some girl things. So what will happen and is there eome middle course?

It seems his mother and aunt would be happy with the change.

Rami

RAMI

Thanks for video

Torrey, enjoy your story and the video to help visualize what is happening. Good story, I hope there is some place Collin is challenged both in the desire to be a girl and in ballet. Neither is an easy road and I would hope the story would reflect that.

JessieC

Jessica E. Connors

Jessica Connors

Yes, mother would know if her

child Collin was really Colleen.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine