Familiar...

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With ‘pen in hand,’ Denise sat at the keyboard and began to type.

“Dear friends. I hope you have a wonderful new year. I wish I could say the same for myself, but things just look so dim currently. There will be good years for most of us, I suppose, but it just doesn’t look that way for me right now. Much love to you. Denise..."

Just like someone might hold an envelope out and look at the address before dropping it in the mailbox, Denise ‘held out the letter’ in front of her before hitting ‘save.’ No satisfaction other than perhaps a burden lifted slightly off her shoulders, but still heavy enough to cause a great deal of pain. Over the next several hours a few comments came her way.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I wish there was something I could do.”

“Take it easy and have a good New Year. You have family here.”

She looked at the most recent comment and shook her head. The same comment over and over; dispensing sage advice regardless of the situation or the person.

“I’ve got family here as well,” she thought; laughing at the irony and pain. Her laughter turned quickly to sad tears. Was it truly like a child’s card game? Would a loving group of friends actually trump a cold shoulder by a wife? Could encouragement to relax really soothe the pain of a slap or an insult or silence? She sighed and looked down at her body. The same needs presented themselves daily; almost as a cruel taunt of what she felt inside.

“You’re gonna carry that weight….carry that weight a long time.”

The music played in her head often, and it pierced her heart whenever she heard the song in real life. Never meant for her, the writers almost seemed to know how she felt; the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

“Relax…. Take it easy. You’ve got a family here.”

The idea that pixels on the screen could translate into virtual hugs was certainly appealing; she had friends who ‘hugged’ her daily and she knew that they knew….that they struggled with their own disappointments and sadness. Some of them had hurts like hers that lasted only a short time, but were just as real as the ones that spanned life-times. Because they knew that pain.

Fear and rejection permeated her soul on an almost daily basis and were driven back by the knowledge that someday things might change; hope springs eternal? The ‘touch’ of a heart to hers by words that spoke of knowing how she felt and her knowing that they knew.

“Relax and take it easy. You have family here! I accept you.”

“I’m so tired,” she said to no one even as friends around the world knew exactly how she felt.” No need for advice or caution or validation from them, since their words spoke of those needs without mentioning them. They had heard all of that themselves countless times, and knew how even the truth, however earnestly delivered, can hurt more than a lie.

“I accept you.” She looked at the words on the screen and hit the little ‘x’ in the corner. Putting her head on the hands resting on the desk, she sighed a deep sigh and began to cry.

“Are you finished in there?” The voice came from another room. No real time to breathe in the moment; painful tears can be good, especially when unimpeded by the urgency of the moment.

A moment later she was lying next to her partner.

“Night…” The voice was caring and almost soothing, but her doubts remained about herself. Even so, a lack of understanding still was accompanied by a choice to love. And of course that trumps anything, doesn’t it?

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Comments

Thanks so much!

I have been at that place all too often.

Love,

Torey

Thanks so much!

I have been at that place all too often.

Love,

Torey

...

I don't know what to say, other than thank you.


I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

One of those hugs

The words we say are heartfelt and true, but as you say they don't solve the problem. At least I can provide one of those electronic hugs.
Rami

RAMI

Yes Familiar

I too share the journey, I am glad you say it out loud.

Hugs, JessieC

Jessica E. Connors

Jessica Connors

Five years ago...

Five years ago, I was there...

Online friends do NOT substitute for in-person. I don't know how you deal with your stresses, but I hope that some day you are able to be more open about ALL of who you are, not just the shell they're willing to to accept.

Annette

making a choice to love

"a lack of understanding still was accompanied by a choice to love. And of course that trumps anything, doesn’t it?"

Maybe hon. None of us exactly walk in the other's shoes that we could offer unfailing advice. What worked for me could be a disaster for you.

All I got are virtual hugs, I pray they can help somewhat.

DogSig.png

A knowing nod is all I can offer.

Drea, I understand. Moments such as the one you've described here have become very rare for me, but they do show up often enough to allow me to say that... Yes, I understand. And I know that anything I put down here will be of little help, but I'm so sorry that it's all I can offer.
.
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The girl in me.
She's been there.

I have been lucky...

I have local friends who do understand, because they are also there. I used to be a loner. Thanks to local support groups I now have a circle that I am very close too. Given that a few family have not been so understanding it has been an enormous help. I consider some of these friends family, turns out you can pick your family after all.

It has been slow baby steps for me. Every day I get a little closer, a little more feminine. My breasts have started aching (a good thing). I cry easier, and I have been practicing my voice very hard. I have added ear studs to my list of changes. The hair, well what I still have I am growing, and I am hoping for a miracle. I will likely wear a wig for the rest of my life.

People truly don't understand, their life is OK, why are we having such issues?

The pressure built for me until I could take it no longer. I had a choice, though not the one most people think about. Could I continue as I was? No. So I had to decide whether I wanted to live and change or die and meet a few selfish peoples expectations. I am incredibly lucky, my nephew (who might as well be my son) was there and very supportive. So I am becoming the best facsimile of who I am on the outside of who I am on the inside, though at the moment I am still mostly male mode. I have posted current pictures on my last blog if you are curious.

Please don't let yourself get to that point. A lot of us don't survive it.

Have you been eavesdropping again?

Twin,

I read this short story and wondered to myself, "Has Drea been Eavesdropping again?"

If you had a camera, and a microphone in my bedroom you could not have captured the essence of how I and my spouse feel. The "understanding" that isn't, the "acceptance" that can't see past the surface we reveal anonymously.

It hurts, I know that, you know that, probably the vast number of lurkers know it too. Then we turn out the lights and crawl into bed and hug a spouse that had ceased being a spouse years before. It hurts like hell.

You have my number, you know I'll be here.

I love you Twin,

Bethy

That Claim To Be "Family"

joannebarbarella's picture

Those who are really "family" in the sense that they truly share your feelings do not need to make that claim.

Your soulmates are with you all the time. They cannot take the place of your love for your spouse but they can give you huge electronic cuddles. Just think, it's not so many years ago that they couldn't do that, so that is one small blessing that we can share,

Joanne