How much longer can she stay hidden?

 

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Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

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Chapter 4
 
I think Mom was a little disappointed I didn't "open up" during our therapy session.

She did. She talked about the loneliness she felt after the divorce, and finally being able to move on with Rick.

Beth asked me how I felt about Mom dating Rick. My response was "I dunno."

I mean, I really didn't know how I felt.

It's her life. And I'm glad she's dating, to a point.

But that didn't entirely mean I was cool with it.

He seemed OK in the few times I met him. He didn't push the sports, let's be "Manly men, buddies" theme around. And he was fully aware I danced. And I did some things outside the box of normally boyhood.

Speaking of which, Beth seemed to dance around (no pun intended) the 800-pound gender gorilla in the room, looking for an opening for me to talk about it.

Truth is, there were only two people I was comfortable enough with to talk about it: Meg and Mauve.

I loved Mom, and we talked about many things. But I still wasn't comfortable talking about it with her.

Same with Beth.

She asked about my clothes, my long hair, wearing it in ponytails and wearing earrings.

"Some boys have long hair," I replied. "They wear ponytails. They wear earrings."

"Yes, they do," Beth answered.

I didn't volunteer any information.

That was, until I let my guard down.

Beth was a high school friend of Mom's and Aunt Amy. And liked them, she danced. And as it turned out, quite well.

She moved after her sophomore year to New York to take classes at the School of American Ballet (what we dancers like to call SAB). She danced professionally for a few years with New York City Ballet, the company SAB is attached to. For non-dancers, NYCB is the coolest ballet company in the world, or so says Meg. Beth also danced with Pennsyvania Ballet.

I thought the session was officially done. We started talking about dance. She sort of sucked me in.

We talked about Nutcracker, the version we were performing.

"Tell me Collin, which role do you dream about dancing?" Beth asked. "Sugar Plum Cavalier or Sugar Plum Fairy?"

I tried being a smart-aleck.

"Neither, I want to dance Dew Drop," I said.

"Oh, Dew Drop..." Beth said, guessing I was being sarcastic. "I was the Dew Drop Fairy a few times (she had to drop the word fairy in there for emphasis). Fun role."

"Yeah, I sort of want to be the lead in Waltz of the Flowers," I said with a laugh.

Beth smiled.

"Seriously, are there times when you wished you were a girl?" Beth asked.

"No," I replied.

"Are you sure?" Beth asked again. "Haven't you told your cousin Meg and your Mom that you sometimes wished you were a girl?"

It was a gotcha moment.

"Yes," I replied, no more trying to be defiant.

Mom put her arm around me, and patted me on the shoulder.

"So there are times when you wished you were a girl? Beth asked. "And you like doing things girls do?"

"No, I don't wish I were a girl," I said.

"Then why did you tell Meg and your mother...." Beth tried to ask.

I didn't let her finish. I dropped the bomb right then and there.

"I don't wish I were a girl," I said, fighting back the tears. "I ... am ... a ... girl!"

Those were four words that would suddenly change my life.

Beth decided not to push further. I pulled out a tissue and wiped my face.

"That's enough for today," she told Mom and me. "We'll talk a little more about this next session. I'll schedule another session for two weeks."

She had an assignment for me.

"I don't want 'boys have long hair and can wear pink shirts' " Beth said. "I want you to dress as the girl you feel you are."

That was a shocker.

"Anna, be sure Collin does that," Beth said. "I don't mean a girly, girly dress. It can be a pair of jeans and a shirt. I just want Collin, the real Collin."
 

 
To Mom's credit, she didn't press me about the therapy session when I got ready for ballet.

"Nice job," she said when I finished my bun. It was not exactly Meg good, but for a first attempt, I was proud of my work.

"You're going to have to ride home with Aunt Amy and Meg," she said when she dropped me off at the ballet school. "She's helping out with wardrobe tonight. They're having dinner with us tonight, so I've got to put something together and pick up Jack. Mind if he plays with your video games?"

"No, Mom, that's fine," I said as I gave her a hug.

"Have a good class and rehearsal," Mom said.

I was directed to go straight to wardrobe when I walked into the studio. Ballet IIIs in the dolls dance and the battle scene were trying on costumes.

Mrs. Alice was our wardrobe mistress. Aunt Amy was helping. There were a line of girls waiting to be fitted.

Meg walked out with her snow costume all pinned up.

"How do I look cuz?" she asked when I saw her.

"Oh, beautiful, you look awesome," I said. She really did.

"Thanks, and good job on the bun!" she said, patting me on the head.

"I had a good teacher," I said.

She gave me a hug.

"Hope the therapy session went well," she whispered. "If you want to talk to me about it later, I'd love to hear about it."

I nodded yes.

Finally, the line dwindled and Aunt Amy was waiting with my Harlequin and toy soldier costume.

"Climb in," she said as I put on the Harlequin costume.

"Bit loose, and a bit baggy," Aunt Amy said. "But we can fix it. Hard to believe Meg wore this just a couple of years ago."

I also tried on the toy soldier costume, which coincidently, or maybe not, Meg also wore when she was my age.

"You really are my doppleganger," Meg teased afterward.

"I was thinking he was more like your 'mini me'," one of the other junior company girls said.

I was told by Aunt Amy I had to wear a white leotard and tights under both costumes, along with white shoes.

"That'll allow you to change in the wings with the girls without any problems," she said. "Your boys leo should do fine. Meg probably has a few pairs of white tights and probably a pair of white shoes that will come close to fitting you."
 

 
Miss Jana was a little more serious in class. And I was a little more sloppy.

"Collin, point your feet," she said when we were doing tendues at the barre.

"Collin, straighten your leg in arabesque," she said when we were doing adagio in the center.

Yeah, I was a little more wobbly than usual. And I was getting a bunch of corrections.

But I wasn't the only one. We all were.

"Ladies and gentleman, what's wrong with you guys tonight," she shouted. "That was not that hard of a combination."

Maybe it was because our Nutcracker rehearsals were getting a little more intense. Thanksgiving break was just around the corner, and then Nutcracker would be, boom, right there.

I admit, I was still a little distracted from the therapy session.

But I was glad to be back in class. When we're doing a balance (standing on one leg while the other is in some other position and we're not holding onto the barre), Miss Jana always tells us to find a happy place.

My happy place is ballet class, no matter how bad I was doing.

I was finally able to zone things out. And I aced my favorite part of class, grande allegro.

Grand allegro for you non-ballet people is a fast-paced combination that includes big jumps. We usually do them during the last part of class, right before reverence.

This combination was a pique-chasse-tour jete-tour jete-tour jete tonbe pas de bouree, glissade saute de chats. combination. I feel like I'm flying when I'm doing tour jetes and saute de chats. They are kind of hard to explain, but they are extremely fun.

"Bravo Collin, where did that come from?" Miss Jana said when I finished the combination. "Where has that dancer been all class?"
 

 
We were given a short break before going to rehearsal. Miss Jana was leading Chinese rehearsal.

Madame Kathryn would lead the dolls rehearsal I was in, and snow rehearsal right after, which Meg was in.

Doll rehearsal was fun. Madame Kathryn taught us doll moves, and had some of the girls in snow, including Meg, to show us the steps.

The dance really wasn't too difficult. Pas de bourees, a couple of pirouettes and partnering steps, which was pretty cool.

And the three girls who alternate the Columbine role, Lucy, Mirrin and Emerald are pretty cool and amazing dancers.

"Good job everyone," Madame Kathryn said. "That's enough for one rehearsal. Just remember to smile for the audience. You are dolls, they have to see the expressions on your faces."

The four of us sat down on the bench to watch snow rehearsal. The three girls had sisters in snow. Me, I had to wait for Meg.

They were all amazing, the corps, the demi dancers and the snow queens, Piper and Juli. They were doing some amazing steps, although apparently not amazing enough, with Madame Kathryn making them run through parts of the dance she wasn't entirely pleased with. Snow and Flowers are the longest dances in the show along with the grand pas de deux between the Sugar Plums and the guest artist who is playing the cavalier.

Madame Kathryn was about to give the Snow dancers a break when we heard shouting in the lobby.

Miss Jana was in an argument with one of the dancers in Chinese's mom. Shelly was the dancer. Her mom thought Shelly should have gotten a better role than Chinese.

Shelly was a pretty good dancer, I admit. But not any better than any other girl in Ballet III, and not as good as Lucy, Mirrin and Emerald, the three girls alternating between Clara, Columbine and Act II roles.

Her mom was a "dance mom." Not a normal dance mom like Aunt Amy, but like one of the "dance moms" on the show "Dance Moms" that Madame Kathryn doesn't want us to watch.

"Girls, take a break for a few minutes," Madame Kathryn said. "I need to go and talk with Miss Jana."

Shelly's mom pulled her not only out of the Chinese dance, but out of the ballet school.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, Kathryn," Miss Jana said. "The choreography calls for four Chinese girls and none of my Ballet IIIs are double-casted in Act II except the Claras, and they are alternating roles with each other. It's too late to change the choreography, but I'm not going to call the bitch back and beg for her daughter to be in the show. But I don't know what I'm going to do."

She and Madame Kathryn went over a few possible options, but none would work.

"I'll go back in rehearsal with the girls that I've got and try to figure something out," Miss Jana said as she was walking out of the studio. So much in thought, she accidentally stepped on me in the process. I was sitting on the floor with Meg,

"Oops, sorry Collin, didn't see you there," Miss Jana said.

"That's OK, no problem Miss Jana," I replied.

Miss Jana turned around, got ready to walk back out of the studio, then turned around and looked at me.

"Kathryn, I think I just tripped over my fourth Chinese girl," Miss Jana said with a laugh.

Meg looked at me. So did Lucy.

"I think Collin will do just fine," Madame Kathryn said.

"Come along Collin, there is a parasol with your name on it," Miss Jana said.

I entered the room after Miss Jana.

"Your parasol is right there," she told me. "You'll be paired with Hannah just like you were in class. We have a few other steps in addition to what we've done in class."

"Girls," Miss Jana said. "Collin will be dancing the part that used to be Shelly's."

I have to admit, the steps we hadn't been doing in class were challenging. But the dance was fun.

"I think you did well tonight," Miss Jana told me. "The other steps will come."
 

 
"Big score," Meg said in the van on the ride home. "Chinese is a fun part. You are going to be really busy."

"She's right, you've got three parts in all seven shows," Aunt Amy said. "You are going to be one worn out child."

"No more than Meg," I said. "She's in Snow and Flowers. No one dances harder than them."

Aunt Amy swore Miss Jana's stumbling over me was good fortune, especially in the costume department.

The Chinese girls bought their own silk jackets, and normally it would be hard to order one this close to Nutcracker.

"But Meg still has hers," Aunt Amy said.

"Seems like I'm getting all of your dance hand-me-downs," I giggled.

Aunt Amy and Meg laughed about that, too.

"Collin, there is one thing I want to apologize for," Aunt Amy said. "The other day, I mentioned about you and Meg becoming women. I mean, I didn't mean too ..."

"Yeah, that was a bit awkward and forward, Mom," Meg said.

"That's OK Aunt Amy," I said as we pulled into the driveway.

I almost said "well I am going to be one."

But I left it at that.

We had other things to talk about when we got home.

I was really excited about telling Mom about me be cast in Chinese.

"We're going to have two big stars on the stage," Mom told Aunt Amy.

I asked where Jack was. He was back in my room playing video games.

I walked back there and asked if I could join in.

"Sure," he said. "Maybe World of Warcraft?"

"How about Zelda," Meg chimed in. I had no idea she followed me back there.

Jack smiled. "Zelda is the only game Meg can hang with me with."

Surprisingly, he picked Zelda.

A couple of weird things? Jack didn't tease me about dancing. And he got along with Meg.

"Who are you people and what have you done with my children?" Aunt Amy said when she walked back to check on us.

"Collin, I am cool with you dancing with Meg," Jack said. "Not for me. But if you like it, it's OK with me."

"Thanks," I said. "That means a lot."

"You're a cool brother, sometimes, Jackson," Meg said.
 

 
My gender journey still weighed heavily on Mom that night, which I know is one reason why she appreciated having Aunt Amy over for dinner.

Aunt Amy was right, they had a bond that I really was glad I had with Meg.

They were twin sisters, only not identical. And their relationship was much different than their one with our cousin Maya's mom, Aunt Alicia.

They shared their innermost secrets with each other. I found that out when I took a bathroom break while Meg, Jack and I were gaming.

"Amy, I swear to God even the use of pronouns is stressing me out," Mom said. "Should I start calling Collin her and she? And what about using Colleen instead of Collin."

"I'm sure that will sort out in time," Aunt Amy said.

Meg walked into the kitchen for a soda. She also heard the conversation.

"Maybe you should ask her," Meg said as she grabbed three sodas, one for me, her and Jackson.
 
 
Related Video Scenes:
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Adagio
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTjgCctNXXo

Grande allegro
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xbn5kqRgsP8

Doll rehearsal (Collin's part would be girl in black
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HvczYQ8VF5s

Snow rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYxwTkVNQTk

Chinese rehearsal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fYQyAxCF6ok

Most of the rehearsal videos, the kids are a little older than in the story. And this Chinese rehearsal is a little different than the version in the story, but I want to give you a good idea what I'm talking about.

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To Be Continued...