Our Nutcracker Adventure Chapter 5 by Torey Copyright © 2013 Torey All Rights Reserved.

Image Credit: Image frame from the Dutch Documentary film Zonder Spitzen.

It was a little weird to be called my Mom's daughter by my therapist's receptionist. Beth told Mom afterwards that her receptionist was instructed to use the gender her clients presented themselves as.

And don't entirely get the wrong idea. I wasn't in girly-girl mode. Beth wanted the real me. What she got was a kid wearing blue jeans over a leotard and tights, with hair tightly in a bun. It wasn't really a fashion statement.

It was a statement that we were on a tight schedule. But she wanted the real me. And over the last few weeks, this was the real me.

Nothing really earth-shattering. Not all that glamorous.

"Come on in, take a seat," Beth said. "Collin, I take it you have class tonight."

"And rehearsals," I replied.

"Colleen's practically living at the ballet studio with Nutcracker getting close," Mom said. "She's having to do a lot of studying between classes and rehearsals."

"Brings back memories, doesn't it Anna?" Beth said in a nod to their dancing days.

Then she back-tracked to Mom's use of the name Colleen. And the use of the pronoun she.

Calling me Colleen was as much Mom's decision as mine.

"If you really are a girl inside," she told me over dinner, "then I still reserve the right to name my baby."

Colleen was too obvious. But it was the sensible choice.

My middle name had been Allen. We kicked around the use of Lynn and Allison.

But the the morning of the therapy session, Mom decided "Apple" would be my middle name.

She was a Gwyneth Paltrow fan (and her daughter's name is Apple).

Colleen Apple Greene. Pretty cool, huh?

Mauve thought so. I texted her the name and the other choices.

"Kudos to your mom," Mauve replied. "So much better than Lynn or Allison, although I think you'd make a really cool Alice."

As for the use of pronouns. That goes back to that conversation in the kitchen between Mom and Aunt Amy that Meg and eventually I walked in.

I walked in and gave Aunt Amy a hug.

"What's that for?" Aunt Amy said.

"Yeah, and don't I get one?" Mom asked.

"Mom. you said I could be anything I wanted when I grew up," I said.

"Yes, I did, kiddo," she said.

"Well, Aunt Amy said Meg and I were going to be women some day," I said. "That's what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a woman like you and Aunt Amy."

"A woman?" Beth asked during the session as we were telling her about that night.

"I haven't decided what else, yet," I said with a laugh.

"Well, you're in fifth grade, there's still time," Beth smiled as said.

Beth, to her credit, didn't hit us with a ton of bricks about hormones, or any other part of becoming what I wanted to be. She would outline those in later session.

"I just want Colleen to be comfortable in her own skin," Beth said. "It isn't going to be an easy journey."

Part of that would be growing as a girl. Part would still be presenting as a boy and until I was ready to completely shake up my world.
 

 
The ballet studio wasn't really the place to shake up the world, although the gender line was already pretty much smudged a bit.

When I was there, we didn't really concentrate on anything else, but dance. Everything else, except studying for school, was left at the door.

And I was cool with that. Next to the summer at grandma's, this was really where I began to find myself, although I was afraid of what would happen once everyone found out.

My closest new friends at the studio, Lucy and Hannah, I really wondered if they would have my back when I pronounced to the world that I was a girl. I knew Meg, Mauve and Lindsey would.

Everyone else, including Miss Jana and Madame Kathryn, I really wouldn't know. At least not then.

I found out after Nutcracker that Mom clued in Miss Jana, Madame Kathryn and Miss Olga, about what I was going through.

But they never let on that they knew. But they were supportive.

Miss Jana and Madame Kathryn, especially. They always wanted to know how I was doing emotionally.

Part of it, they explained, was because I was a boy in ballet, which was difficult enough. Boys put up with bullying and whispers behind their backs at school, and at times, even in a ballet studio even when they aren't dealing with gender identity issues.

But they never cut me slack because of it.

If I wasn't giving my best effort, I heard it from them.

"High, Collin," Miss Jana screamed during grande battements in class. "You have more flexibility than that. I've seen it."

"That's not your best fifth," Miss Jana said another time. "I know you have better turnout than that."

For the most part, I gave them both 100 percent in class and in rehearsals.

"I knew I made the right choice when I cast you as Harlequin," Madame Kathryn said after doll rehearsal.

And in Chinese dance rehearsal? I was schooling that dance, pretty well, I thought.

"You're much better than Shelly," Hannah said about the girl I replaced in the dance.

The final night of rehearsals before the Thanksgiving break, we got the lecture.

"We are giving all of you almost a full week off," Madame Kathryn said when she gathered all of the dancers together. "Try to do some stretching. Make sure you get some exercise. And don't overeat. I don't want anyone to try anything anorexic, I just want to make sure you still fit into your costumes. We'll only have two weeks left when you get back."

Sunday after Thanksgiving the rehearsals would be more intense, Meg explained. Everyone involved in Act I and Act II will be rehearsing together for the first time. And we'd be learning our finale dance.

It was a lot for me to digest, in addition to the food we would be eating at Grandma's.

And I couldn't wait to go to Grandma's.

I'd get to see Grams, of course, as Meg called her.

I would get to see my best bud Mauve.

And it would also be the moment of truth.

Mom and I decided that would be the time to tell the whole family.

Yup, Jack. And Maya. And Aunt Alice (did I mention my grandparents named all of their daughters with an 'A' name?) and Uncle Bert.

And Grams? Well, she already knew.
 
 
Related Video Scenes:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkXgqvjCfRA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUmMVOYtoYw