Change of Perspective
"You ready?" Dad asked.
"Er yeah, I guess."
"Well shake a leg then."
My conversation with Gran has certainly had me thinking, what does my future hold? I thought I knew, a dazzling career racing bikes then marriage, kids, yeah I'd be famous but otherwise unextraordinary. And now, now that's all turned on its head.
"Dreamy knickers, are you coming or what?" Dad prompted.
"Just getting my bag."
Not exactly a glowing indictment of my maleness.
We drove down to Remagen, the supermarket there is the biggest locally, I got to push the trolley, a childhood treat. Sainsbury's it's not but you can get most stuff here. I trundled along the aisles lost in thought, well not so much lost but rather letting my thoughts drift.
I idly watched a woman herding her brood of pre-schoolers along ahead of us, she looked tired and harassed. Is that what awaits me in the future, or would I be like the middle-aged woman on the deli counter who I caught wistfully watching the same family?
"Plain or chocolate?" Dad asked waving some biscuits at me.
"Eh? Oh plain."
I used my reflection in the back of a cabinet to check my hair, geez am I already that much of a girl?
“Drew, Drew!” Dad called from further up the aisle.
“I'm coming already.”
With a heave I got the trolley in motion, how do the wheels end up facing the wrong way every time you stop? Of course then the damned thing ended up with that much momentum I struggled to control it and only just avoided ramming the young mother's equally laden contrivance.
“Sorree!”
“No damage, eh?”
One of the toddlers, rampant on the floor decided to grab my leg at this point.
“Mama.”
“Gott, she's always doing this, sorry.”
“It's okay,” I leant down to toddler height, “and what's your name?”
“Neek, yellow!” she grabbed a handful of my hair.
“Aneka, let go of the lady's hair!”
“Yellow!”
I was pinned down by the little dear now, nothing for it; I grabbed the child and lifted her up.
“Yellow.”
“Go to mummy, Aneka.” I encouraged.
“Lady yellow hair.”
“I'm really sorry, she's fascinated by blonde hair for some reason; Aneka, let go!”
Between us we managed to pry the little monster free of my locks and I moved out of range of the grappling puddies.
“Jackie.”
“Gaby.”
She looked at me slightly askance, “ Have we met before, your face looks familiar?”
“I don't think so.”
“Something on the telly then, nah must be a coincidence.”
“Yeah.” I agreed.
“Josef!” she screeched, “sorry Gaby, have to rescue the Gummi Bears again!”
And she was away to track down another of her brood.
“You want strawberry or raspberry jam?”
“Raspberry.”
“You want ice cream?”
“Er sure, Dad?”
“What Love?”
“You know when you were my age?”
“Yeah?” he allowed with a frown.
“Did you like think about having kids and stuff?”
“Hell no! Rugby and a snog behind the bike sheds were my obsessions back then. What's brought this on?”
“I was just wondering.”
“Well at your age you should be thinking about school, a career maybe not when you are going to have sprogs — oh bugger, I've put my clog into it haven't I.”
“No Dad, it was my fault it was a silly question.”
“No it wasn't, come on let's finish up here and go get that lunch, we can talk better then.”
“'Kay.”
We trundled around the rest of the store, I did remember to get a pack of tights for school, then joined the inevitable queue to pay behind, as it happens, Jackie and her munchkins.
“Oh hi again.”
“Yellow!”
I kept my distance from Aneka!
“Er yeah.”
“You've had me thinking all the way round.” Jackie admitted.
“I have?”
“Uh huh.”
“About what?”
“Where I knew you from.”
“And?”
“You were on the telly, some fancy hoity toity wedding, it was you, wasn't it?”
“I erm,”
“If Your Grace would be so kind…” Dad suggested.
“I knew it! Never forget a face; you looked a lot taller on the telly.”
“I erm was wearing heels.” I offered glancing down at my ballet pumps.
“That'd be it.” Jackie enthused.
“Ninety three fifty lady.” The cashier prompted my new found fan.
“Oh sure, right.”
From mother to gibbering wreck in ten minutes, what is it with people?
Jackie paid for her groceries and collected Josef and his sister from the cashiers counter.
“Nice to meet you your ladyship.” She even sort of did a bit of a curtsey!
“And you too, bye.”
“So what was that about?”
“Well the poor girl was obviously star struck; I only sort of suggested a title.”
“Daa-aad!”
We transferred the contents of the trolley into the car and readied ourselves to depart.
“Where to your ladyship?”
“The Anker?”
“Sounds good to me.” Dad agreed.
It was only a five minute drive, onto the bypass, round the town then drop down to the river front. We found a spot to park not too far from the Anker, a once grand hotel / restaurant but like so much else in town, now a shadow of its former splendour — the food's okay though!
“We having dinner later?”
“Nothing special.” Dad replied.
“In that case I'll have the liver.”
“Will you indeed.”
I fluttered my eyelashes at him, “ Pretty please.”
That just got a roll of the eyes, when the waitress finally came over; he ordered the liver for both of us and a round of soft drinks.
“So kiddo, you still want to talk?”
“It's a bit hypothetical really.”
“But important nonetheless.”
“Well it's just that I hadn't thought about it at all, having kids that is, until yesterday. I mean, I know the mechanics side of things yeah but I'd never really considered even if I wanted a family at some point, it was like all in the future.”
“I hope it still is.” Dad noted.
“Duh!”
“And now?”
“And now it's sort of an immediate thing. If I want kids in my future, my own that is I really only have one option don't I?”
“From what the doctor said in Hamburg this whole thing means you have one more option than you had, or at least we thought you had before.”
“I was never gonna be a real Dad was I?”
“No, kiddo.” Dad agreed, a tear forming in his eye.
“Two liver?” we were interrupted by our servitor.
“Yes thanks.”
“So, everything okay, more drinks?”
“We're fine thanks.”
“Enjoy your meal.”
The food looked good, smelled good and tasted good — we've eaten here before so I kind of knew what to expect. We ate in silence for a while before Dad reopened the conversation.
“So what are you thinking?”
“I dunno, to be honest the whole idea of being the mother is scary, I sort of understand what Bern's been going through a bit. I mean when it's someone else going through it it's all a bit remote. No that's not the word, erm…”
“Detached?”
I munched some more of my lunch, “Yup.”
“And now?”
“Now it could be me, if I want. Which is like really odd because proper women don't really get the choice like that.”
“You might be coming by a strange route kiddo, but you are a proper woman; as proper as your mother and sister.”
“That's just it, Dad, I don't know whether I want to be, I was quite happy being a boy.”
“You really need to talk to your mother about this; I'm hardly the expert on motherhood.”
“That's just it Dad, Mum'll be like Gran was, all ‘it's what we do, the miracle of birth, la di da' — they're like super biased, with you, well I think you kind of get my side of things better.”
Dave looked at his soon to be daughter — was that really the only option?
to be continued....
© Maddy Bell 26.10.2011
Comments
Trust a Dad...
“You really need to talk to your mother about this; I'm hardly the expert on motherhood.â€
Perhaps he might struggle with the issue of motherhood, but Dad can still listen and reflect Drew's fears about the unknown AND the tremendous responsibility of deciding after the fact something which nearly everybody he knows had decided before they were born. I know what I would have chosen at his age, but then I never had the dilemma that Gaby faces. Thank you!
Love, Andrea Lena
Drew does need to reflect
on just what she wants to be. What does she want out of life? Is having a child of her own a major driving force? Being a woman is a lot harder than being a man. Also, it seems Drew's options as a man in the sexual dept, is not very viable.
But Drew has a career to think about, how its all going to change rapidly and different for her.
Another thing to for Drew to consider is how she thinks, her emotions, how she behaves - she is a girl already. The plumbing would just force her to face it literally - especially the period part.
I know what I would choose. ^^ But, I wouldn't put it past Maddy to surprise us and have Drew do a 180 and try to fight to stay as a man. She could be a man, but she would have to adopt and deal with female hormones and whether she would have to do the testosterone thing and the dreaded expenses and things that f to m's face everyday.
I will be watching Drew closely now and see what she decides to do.
Sephrena
Drew does...
Drew does have some VERY difficult decisions (though, there ARE some in-between answers that have not been described)...
His parents are awesomely supportive, but come at things from two very different perspectives. Neither of them ever had to make these decisions. Assuming Drew wants to be either/or, the kid needs to take a step back and look at "his" life compared to others. It's obvious that he has significant female attributes (both physically and emotionally), but there are some guy things (at least traditionally guy things) in there as well. The kid is young, and probably needs some help to work things out...
The first decision - is whether to enable his female "bits" or get rid of them. Enabling them has one set of ramifications. Removing another. There are quite a few F2M trans people who still have functioning bits (well, when they stop the testosterone, etc.). At least one made the news when he got pregnant, so he and his partner could have a kid. So, even the decision to enable his female bits isn't a final decision on how to live - though, it may impact how the cycling world "classifies" him... Which impacts things.
All that said, Drew passes better as a girl than as a guy so much of the time... And, I've not heard "him" making any attempts to change that in any real way.
Interesting things a happening.
Thanks
Annette
If Drew does become a parent,
choosing who the father will be needs to be considered.
May Your Light Forever Shine
Maybe..
But as I (and others) have mentioned elsewhere, the sperm contributor doesn't ever have to see/touch Drew. So, yes, there is something to consider... But, it doesn't have to be decided until she's ready to have the kid(s) unless she finds someone she wants to have kids with (and the feeling is mutual).
So - the decision on whether to be able to be a biological parent or not is important in the near frame, but the decision on how to do that can certainly be postponed.
Annette
Even if..
So often we look at the stories and the 'intersexed' characters therein with the idea of making a choice. A selection based on information. Even the comments to this and other stories contain things that readers say, 'I know what choice I'd make,' which seems more to indicate a mind already made up even before the condition is discovered
...I think the subtlety of the wording is key for me. Even if Drew determines rather than decides that Gaby is whom she is to be, being a parent as a biological Mom might not be high on her list or not need follow at all. The subtlety in that like all of us for the most part, she will already know whom she is... What gender most aptly suits her rather than a choice on the menu made depending upon the mood?
The idea of becoming a parent just for the sake of it doesn't strike me as anything she would care to do at all, anyway, so it's more like how she (or he) views life in general and what that means to her personally. After all, 'both' of them are just kids anyway. From what I can gather, Gaby doesn't really have an 'orientation' yet, whatever that means. Father and Mother? Mother and Mother? Father and Father? Kids or no kids. How does parenthood fit Gaby or Drew and in what way?
I agree totally; it's not even germane to the conversation until Gaby determines whom she is, and then what to 'do' will follow along accordingly, aye?
Love, Andrea Lena
life goes on
I sorta understand what Gabby is going through. I mean I made the
change to the female side of life. I mean being my true self!!
One of my biggest regrets was that I could never carry a new life
in my body and be a mother. Hell I even wish I could have periods!!
Most of my cis girlfriends look at me like I am crazy when I say that!!
I know there are cis women who are not able to pregnant but to me
that is one of the big pluses to being female!!
But I did this because I wanted to live my life as a female so I
matched what is in my heart!! I hope that Gabby is able to accept
whichever way she decides to go and be truly happy!!
Gaby's decision?
This episode shows that Drew/Gaby is a long way from reaching a decision, and that is as it should be. This is something that cannot be taken lightly. And of course, our dear Ms Bell will draw this out as long as she can, perhaps thru several more books.
My only advise to Drew/Gaby is to carefully consider all options, make a decision, then start all over and carefully reconsider all options, and perhaps even a third time. Right now the biggest problem Drew/Gaby has is Gaby's period, which is currently draining thru a tube thru a hole in the groin area. Drew has already mentioned how uncomfortable that is, so is there a way to eliminate the tube and hole so that her period can continue, and do it without SRS? This could at least keep things as they are until a firm decision is made.
Don't let someone else talk you out of your dreams. How can we have dreams come true, if we have no dreams?
Katrina Gayle "Stormy" Storm
Actually the doctor had told Drew and dad
that corrective surgery, whichever way, is imminent "now" and a decision has to be made. It wont take many books to drag that out because it is potentially life threatening to Drew. So the decision as to which sex organs remain has to be done within a few weeks tops.
Sephrena
"Immenient"
I suppose 'immenient' could be defined several ways, but all have to do with a time constraint - and Drew needs to make a decision, and soon. Right now is out of the question, as I perceive he is still moody from all that has happened and forced this decision on him. He is young to have such a decision to make, but hopefully he has enough maturity to make the proper one for him.
Gonna be interesting over the next couple of weeks, folks!
Don't let someone else talk you out of your dreams. How can we have dreams come true, if we have no dreams?
Katrina Gayle "Stormy" Storm
Book Length
Since I read ahead, and remember the timeline, I would like to point out for the sake of devil advocate, that all of book 10 is 3 to 4 weeks in the time line. So just because someone says books, doesn't mean a long time. Of course that book is the shortest in timeline length that I have personally read.
More to consider before parenthood
Drew thinking about having children is something to be considered, but only after the immediate problem to be decided. To be or not to be, that is the question, only it's a decision that should involve the Bond family and a specialist who can load the Bond's up with pros and cons.
Fifteen years ago, Drew was born and because of Herbert, given the 'M' designation, without a by your leave. Fifteen years later and it's discovered Herbert isn't Herbert and the internal female organs, that were supposed to be inactive, have come to a life threatening life.
What possible decision can Drew really make when mentally the locked in self image has be fluctuating every since the tandem ride with Jenny? The insistentance Drew is a boy isn't believed by those seeing Drew dressed in girls clothing. Even in jeans and a t-shirt, Drew is seen as a Tomboy girl.
With a mind in turmoil, with concerns about others weighing on her mind, Drew is in no condition to make a rational decision. If s/he does decide, it will be an emotional decision, a decision not based on any long term scientific facts. This is one time Dave and Jenny need to be authoritative parents, who inject rational reason that are best for Drew in the long term.
Others have feelings too.