Sweet Dreams-47…Tears Of My Childhood
Chapter 47
I’m doing the shivery weepy thing while looking at the spot that where my daddy is buried and I can’t, I can’t get just dad there in my head and I don’t know if it’s the ghost voice of the little kid version of me bubbling up in my head or that I’m really turning into that much of a girl.
And if that’s the case I’m here like this and he’s…he’s down there and…
It hurts…fuck it hurts like my throats all clenched up and someone’s sort of sitting on my chest and I can’t stop crying.
I’m not on any damned hormones yet, why can’t I stop crying!?
Then Alex holds me and I have a flashback.
The sunshine almost feels the same as it did that day and even the cemetery isn’t open and clean enough to not still smell like the old neighborhood and it’s that feeling…Alex holding me and that sensation of a much bigger stronger body wrapped around me from behind…
It mirrors the feelings of when my daddy covered me up with himself and…
I swear, I swear that I hear the booms…and feel the impact though him into me and while it’s not that freak out PTSD lost completely thing you see on TV its.
Sudden sweat breaking all over and my insides tighten up and I can’t breath right it’s like my brain just went off and took an autonomic function with it. And there’s this storm that’s there like someone dropped a jerry can of gasoline into a brushfire and it’s anger and more anger and…
They took him from me!
I was there!
I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t do anything! Anything!
Anger and guilt.
I couldn’t do anything…I survived…
I survived and I was left with Her.
And that bastard Cliff.
There’s times I’ve cried before but it’s been nothing like this, there’s no real way for me to really say what the pain is really like.
This…this thing in me that’s cracking open soul deep in me I’ve tried to keep locked away.
Needed to…to keep sane.
Then the cracks start and that first chunk of it falls like a chunk of a dam hitting the water only what comes from each little chunk is never a plop or a splash no…their waves, huge friggin waves swamping everything I am inside.
If daddy hadn’t died those things wouldn’t have happened…
If I had died these things wouldn’t have happened…
In that crying comes anger and it’s me just hurt and mad at the pain I’m in and being swamped by it and I scream…hurt angry scream and cry out.
And I start shrugging Alex off of me and getting out of his arms and I start hitting the grave marker.
Over and over again screaming… “Why…and It’s not fair…why’d he get to live (Cliff.)…You left me!...”
I know it’s pointless too that anything that I do is not going to change what’s already happened and it’ll never erase the scars.
It’s why I’m actually enjoying the pain as my knuckles hit the stone and are getting scratched up and bloodied.
I think I elbowed Alex a couple of times but he get’s a hold on me and he literally drags me while we’re on our knees out of reach of me busting my hands up dirt and spruce and pine needles…tears, pain and sunshine and love…?
Yeah Love…
Alex is holding me again and I rage a second or too more struggling in his arms and he’s there…just there like the rock I so desperately need in the waves of all of this and it starts to fade or settle away and I’m still cry but I’m breathing again…like…like the pain got me through this somehow.
Yeah I so know that I’m messed up.
I’m there in Alex’s arms for awhile longer and I’m still crying but I sit up.
“You okay…?” He sort of whispers into my ear.
(Sniffle-cough.) I just nod at this point not trusting my voice.
He let’s me go and I knee walk over to the grave again and just stare at it while crying.
I want to be feeling something other than this.
And that’s pissing me off but of course in that whole girl that doesn’t want to cry way but she’s crying anyway sort of thing and it just tops itself off with me getting right in mid sobby bawl the hiccups.
And that’s when I kinda start to cry laugh and bend over and I put my head down on his little plaque stone.
I feel a jacket get draped over me and I know its Alex’s because it smells like him. I’m there face down for awhile and sniffle and breathe there and there’s all these things running through my head of what to do now or what to say and then April is there squatting down beside me with her arm around my shoulders and she passes me an open bottle of water.
“Here…sip.”
I take some sips not realizing how dry I got from crying I was and she has a tissue there and she holds it out to me. “Thanks…Mom…” I hiccup again…dammit.
“It’s okay, blow your nose honey it’ll help you breath right I do the same thing sometimes when I get bawly.”
I blow my nose and look at her she’s got her make up pretty much destroyed like mine and her eyes are really red rimmed too and that hurts but in a good way that she was crying because or rather for me.
She gives me this soft, strong, warm smile too. It’s that smile you’re supposed to get from your mom.
I’ll take it though o I will definitely take it.
Family so very, very often and I think more than people say is more than blood.
And there’s something there now between us. This whole thing here with me and me hitting daddy’s marker is so much like me at the fancy restaurant and me and the bathroom stall.
April was there for that too.
She holds me and we just quietly sit there and I’m slowly getting my thoughts together enough to sip enough water and take some long controlled breaths through my nose enough to get rid of the hiccups and she gets up after another hug and a kiss on my cheek and then my forehead and I just sit there until she passes me my purse and the poem thing I wanted to read to him.
That’s what starts me talking to him and getting him up to speed sort of with all the things and the people in my life. I suppose I could have gone into detail and stuff but I’ve said a lot already about the people in my life so…it’s just daddy getting caught up.
April’s close by and I really, really am craving a smoke again…dammit I never should of took the cig Adam offered.
But after awhile Alex walks quietly up and sit’s with me and passes me a coffee and he has one and he set’s one there on dad’s plaque.
It’s sort of nice but odd I guess. My life I really am unsure about the whole something to believe in.
We just are there and we’re quiet and then…
“Sir…”
“Sir…I’m Alex. And I’m with your daughter. She hasn’t said a whole lot about you but the things she has said kinda make it so I think I’d have really liked to have known you.”
“You’ve got a really great daughter here…”
I’m staring at him and my heart is just…it hurts and it hurts but it’s…
At no point in my life would I ever have expected this…Alex…and the way he just sort of quietly makes things alright…
“Honestly sir…I’m not sure where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Hunter and I’m still trying to figure out just how I got this lucky.”
Him lucky…Alex…
“She’s brave, she’s beautiful and she’s strong…all the stuff that has happened to her Hunter survived…she survived and when she was out of that wreck her life was she some how found all this heart and all this strength to save me…”
He looks over to April and Adam.
“To reach out and save all of us sir…we didn’t find her and save her sir…Hunter found us and it was the other way around.”
I’m crying all the water I drank earlier and I can stop smiling even though this is almost as hard in the whole other direction for me.
“I just…I just wanted you to know that sir…to know that she’s just that kind of girl and…and that I love her…”
I can’t help it I’m actually sobbing again but in a good way and I spill my coffee as I crawl into his lap and bawl on Alex’s shoulder.
He pulls me tightly into his arms and his lap and wraps me in his warmth and all that love and protection.
Alex…
He holds me when I’m angry, he pulls me back from the edges, he holds me when I’m happy…he makes the pain get chased away.
I’m not sure how long that lasted but when I tilt my head up he kisses me there long and slow and sweetly and we sort of cuddle. He takes out a couple of these packs of stickers. Just those cheap ones that you get anywhere for little kids.
“Alex?”
“I got these when I went for the coffee; I just sort of thought of something when I saw them there.”
“What?”
………………………………Alex helps me to my feet and we brush the dirt and needles and leaves from our clothes and we head back to where we parked and where April and Adam are at.
I look back to the marker and it’s there with stickers of butterflies and flowers and some pretty designs like I’d have done if I was me…girl me…the real me at the age I lost him at and under the date at the bottom of where the had his name is.
Hunter will always love her Daddy.
I wipe away at another stray tear before heading away. ‘I’ll come back Daddy, I promise.”
Comments
bawls like a baby
totally not fair, Bailey. That was just ... so much goodness I cant do justice to it ....
sniffle sob.
Sniffle sobs are good compliments Honey.
I'm really glad this came out exactly as I pictured it in my head. Short for a chapter but a good place to lead to them going to Alex's turn.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...A Proud Big Brother.
Bailey Summers
Sweet update
YES! A new chapter of my fave Bailey story of all time! Hunter and Alex are my favorite kind of love story - two puzzle pieces, odd and dysfunctional by themselves, yet together become "more powerful than you could imagine" (channeling Obi-Wan). What Alex did here ... perfect..
A very contented **Siiiiiigh**
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell
I'm really glad this came out right Sigh:)
The length was short but I kind of had this in my head like a TV show I was watching and having this set up resolution for Hunter and a damned good Yay Alex moment and a good place to set up for the next chapter.
I'm Very Happy you like this so much.
I will be writing more sooner.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Hunter will always love her Daddy.
Makes me cry, lovely chapter. Keep it going, always looking forward to more of this story.
*hugs*
-Elsbeth
Is fearr Gaeilge briste, ná Béarla clíste.
Broken Irish is better than clever English.
Oh Thanks so much Els:)
I really am happy you like this story and the chapter turned out so well.
*Huge Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Yay, more Hunter! While I can
Yay, more Hunter! While I can appreciate the catharsis Hunter is having in this chapter, it's odd reading it while knowing where this is going from the Christmas special. How's the self cloning project going, so you can update multiple stories simultaneously? :)
I know right? I got done this and...
My thoughts went to Powdered Sugar too and the reunion between Hunter and her dad in that. I know the stuff I want to do between these stories but at the same time when I clicked over from this to read Powdered Sugar again after these last few chapters...it took on a whole new kind of depth for me.
Oh and the damned clones...I have only 1 computer, none of them have the same ideas as me when I have them and they won' do m pay job or housework because they're mine and not their's.
Bloody things are just freeloading.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
admit it
your just trying to see how many people you can make cry today.
great chapter, thanks
No but they're great, amazing compliments:)
I was trying to break down into the deep, deep hurt inside that Hunter's lived with and buried deep. The rest just sort of came out from what would I do in Alex's shoes.
Glad you enjoyed it:)
*Hugs and Howls*
Bailey Summers
Raw
and authentic with all the complicated emotions that come from a heartfelt loss. I think I need to go and purchase more tissue.
hugs
Grover
I kind of felt raw writing it Grover.
But I was going for the intensity and trying to get authentic with Hunter's reactions.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Oh Alex Indeed
Long day at work, got home, changed for bed and sat down and read this. It's such an amazingly positive emotional ending to the day. Thank you Bailey. :-)
I think I fell in love with Alex when he made the gesture of speaking to Hunter's dad. It was just so beyond words, so full of wonderfullyness. The tears came flooding down at that point and didn't really stop until a few minutes after finishing the story. Having read the Christmas story this is heading towards it makes it all the more poignant feeling Hunter's loss.
The emotional range of your stories continues to impress and really hit home Bailey.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Oh Jemima thank you for the huge compliment:)
We read and write these things to get stuff out, say things and escape. To hear that this made the end of the day better is a really amazing thing for me.
Thank You so much it's such a boost:)
*Great Big Huge Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Sweet Goodbye to Daddy
Okay, now *I* need to go have a coffee or something, to replenish the fluids I lost crying...
Or I could just wring out my shirt, I guess. *sniffle*
Beautiful. Well done.
Lisa
(who loves her daddy too)
It makes Powdered Sugar hit harder too...
When you go from reading this and then that story. I'm definitely going to have to write the stuff after that with a read of these chapters again to get the impact of things after they get together again.
Thanks for enjoying this so much Lees:)
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey Summers
Gee, Now I need to go shopping.
*sniffles*
I need more tissues.
Wow powerful.
Alex & Hunter are both very lucky!
Thanks wise little poet:)
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this. Even I'm a little jealous of Alex and Hunter mostly because LD's suck. Oh Well:)
*Big Hugs for Little Wings.*
Bailey Summers
Ya, thats right,, I cried
Ya, thats right,,
I cried through thee whole chapter again... Ihre writing is so heart felt, and Hunter has found herself a very special Mensch who is so good to ihr..
Love Ihre story..
Laurie
That's the same here too Laurie:)
I cried while writing this. Though I might just have to write someone now in a story just to use Mensch:)
*Big Hugs*
Bailey Summers
LOL
lol, Very sorry, Tears in my eyes, my heart afluter, through in a German word meaning man.
Alex is so kind, generous, and loving. His whole world is wrapped around Hunter. They are both so good together!!
Love your work,
Laurie
God this was such a heavy
God this was such a heavy sniffly chapter, thanks Bailey for sharing another great chapter.
It's great to see how much Alex, Adam and especially April are giving her support. April's really showing herself as a great mother figure, for the first time in her life Hunter has a great female role model and mother.
Thanks for sharing
Big hugs
Lizzie :-)
Bailey's Angel
The Godmother :p
Oh thanks so much Lizzie:)
It was intense wasn't it but I wanted to go there. It has such an impact with the x-mas story right after it. It's as much a family dynamic thing as a love story now for me at this point.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*
Bailey...The Godfather:)
Bailey Summers
Not an easy thing to do!
You are a great writer I swear I cried at this whole chapter and believe me that's not easy. Please keep writing this great story like this.
Excellent chapter, Bailey
I started rereading your stories not quite two weeks ago, starting with the first one you posted here, Bridges. I finished that one and read Images, the entire Evanescence universe/series, Run, Snakes & Ladders, and now Sweet Dreams. They're all awesome stories.
The one thing that bothers me is that I can sit here and read these stories, they hit me emotionally like a Freightliner going full speed through a big cement roadblock, yet unlike almost everyone else that comments here, I so often CAN'T cry! I want to cry so, so much, it hurts.
It took more than twenty minutes after reading this chapter for me to get emotional at all, and all I got out of it was damp eyes.
There are times when I read intense pieces like this, NEED to literally bawl like others do, and then feel broken because it just doesn't happen. Then I sit here and wonder if I somehow was swapped with an extremely realistic looking robot that mimics being human.
It affected me, I know that it did, even if I can't let go and cry like I want to do. I'll say again that this is an excellent bit of writing.
I've had ONE major crying session in the last nine years, and it was not a good one, it happened in a big flashback incident in January.
i am often the same, hon
somehow, the tears get blocked.
I hope you can get the emotions out.
Damn, got some'en in my eye
What an absolutely beautiful chapter, exquisitely capturing the raw emotions bleeding out of Hunter. And showing the hurt felt by Alex and April because of Hunter's deeply ingrained pain.
Her show of emotions gave no consideration to those with her, they were raw, they were pure, they needed released. Adam stood back during her display, but even he couldn't help but understand the need for such release, even in his own life.
"I don't trust," has been his go to phrase when forced to confront his feelings. Perhaps now he can see why Hunter is trying to help him see a way to help heal both him and Alex. And the grandparents.
Others have feelings too.
A powerful chapter
Well written, I think it captured the moment perfectly. Thank you Bailey.
That was
simply incredible, I was bawling the whole way through. You have such a gift for writing emotional but real experiences.
It's late at night,
my wife is asleep and it is all I can do to keep from bawling like a baby again, I had to stop part way through just so I could keep it together enough to not wake her up. I think I've said it before, but you have a way of having a direct line to my heart. I lost my father about 4 or 5 years ago now, and I miss him so very much. I love you Daddy.