If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me

"Come on, sweetie. I was only kidding."

I'm sitting on the couch listening as Jesse tries, once again, to convince Suzie that they belong together. Even their names sound sickeningly sweet together. Suzie and Jesse. Ick.

I'd never actually say ick, even though I think it. 'Ick' just isn't something a sixteen-year-old boy says. Well, I could, but I'm so afraid of what people would think of me. I hide who I am from everyone, even my best friend, Jesse.

"Dude, I'm turning the music back up."

"Give me a few more minutes, James."

I shake my head and smile. It's not like they really belong together. He just likes her because she's a cheerleader and puts out. Ok, I only assume the second part. She is a cheerleader, though, and I have to admit that she is pretty. It makes me a little jealous, actually.

He gets really pathetic at that point.

"Suzie, you know I…come on, that's not fair. No, I'm not going to…"

I tune out his humiliation by un-pausing the game we were playing before she called. I entertain myself by killing his character a few times in imaginative ways. I'm just planning a leapfrog, wall bounce, field goal through the satellite station using trip mines, a rocket launcher and two grenades when I feel the couch move as he lands beside me.

I accidentally lean into him, but right myself as quickly as I can. I hide my blush in my longish hair, and hope he doesn't say anything for a minute or two while I get my breathing under control.

"Dude, seriously? What have you set up this time?"

As an answer, since I don't want my voice to betray me, I toss the first of my grenades. I turn a bit, toss the second, and run so I can get into position for the rocket round. I hear the trip mines go off in quick succession from his side of the screen, but I can't spare a glance. His character 'oof's into the wall above my field of view and just as he drops into view I fire.

"Field goal!" Jesse calls from beside me and we both breakdown into laughter.

"That was so awesome," Jesse says.

"Yeah, I thought so," I said. "Too bad Suzie can't appreciate that."

His good mood evaporates and I'm sorry for bringing it back up.

"Sorry, what was she pissed about anyway?"

"She asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big."

I wince, because I know exactly where he went with it…well not exactly. I have two choices. "So, did you say, 'no your fat makes your butt look big,' or just say 'yes'?"

"Wish I'd thought of the first one…but no, I said yes. She stormed off, and I was trying to calm her down. She knows I think she's beautiful, why can't she accept that instead of fishing for compliments?"

"A girl likes to know that you appreciate her looks no matter what she's wearing, but she wants you to mean it when you tell her she looks good."

"I do mean it. I just get tired of telling her that the latest in jeans technology has not suddenly inflated her behind to epic proportions."

"The problem is that she thinks it’s the food she eats that will make her fat. She's afraid that someday you'll wake up and realize that there's some other girl that is more important to you than she is."

"What do you mean?"

"Basically, all girls are insecure, and want you to tell them everything is going to be okay."

"Don't you think that's stereotyping?"

"No, I think it's society perpetuating a stereotype to the detriment of everyone involved."

He sat there thinking for a minute before he responded. "So, you think you could do that again with the grenades and such?"

I smile at him and proceed to kill him all over again. If anything, I get a little more distance out of the launch this time around.

***
Even when she's not in her cheerleading uniform Suzie wears the shortest skirts imaginable. I know I'd never be able to pull anything like that off, nor would I want to. Even if my greatest wish were to come true and suddenly I were to become a girl, I couldn't see myself parading my assets before god and country and flaunting my sexuality.

Suzie has herself on display and everyone knows the price for that bill of sale.

Ok, sorry, let me be honest. I don't know for sure that she puts out. I really don't see Jesse as the type to be into that sort of shallow relationship. Well, I really hope he's not into that sort of shallow relationship. I care about him too much to really be comfortable with him being that…shallow.

Ugh. How can I be so stupid about this. Of course he's shallow. He's a boy, and they think about sex all the time, or so the rumor goes.

Theoretically I'm a boy and all I think about is turning eighteen so I can legally pursue the path I feel I need to in order to survive.

Wednesdays aren't much fun for me because my second part time job takes so much of my time. I work Monday through Friday as a checker at the local grocery store. Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday I work at the Roadhouse as a waiter.

I really wish I worked there as a waitress, since girls seem to get better tips, but I'm not ready to let the world see my secret self.

What it means is that I don't get to spend time with Jesse on Wednesdays.

"Oh, Jesse." I hear Suzie's sing song voice from behind me, and turn in time to see the two of them kissing. I want to turn away, but I can't I want to be kissing Jesse.

I turn away, and banish the thought. I can't want to kiss Jesse. He's my best friend. He thinks I'm a guy. That could be awkward.

"Oh, no, it's Jesse James." I hear from some joker walking down the hall. We get that a lot, but it's not something I worry about. Jesse is the captain of the football team. The rest of the players would have something to say about it if they really started something.

School passed by without notice for the rest of the day, or more I should say that it passed as it usually does. Long classes with teachers trying to fill our receptacles with something other than face book statuses, twitter gossip, and high school rivalries.

It works better for some than others. I'm just barely making it with a B average.

***
"Hey, mom, I'm home."

I'm changing my black sports bra for a white one when she walks in. "Hon, I really wish you'd take me up on the offer to go to another school. You'd be able to show your beautiful side to the entire world."

"I'm not ready for that yet," I say. I change into the white dress shirt I have to wear to both my jobs. It makes it easier when I have such a similar uniform to wear for both jobs. The only difference, really, is that I have to wear tan pants at the grocery store and black ones to the restaurant.

I'd love to be able to wear the skirts the other girls get to wear, but too many of my fellow students go there, and it might be a little awkward.

"Mom, I know I'm a girl, but I'm still a little on the tomboy side of things. Sure, I love makeup some of the time, but I doubt I could go all out with it like Suzie does at school."

"This is about Jesse, isn't it?"

I begin to cry a little and just nod. "I want to tell him so badly, but what if it goes wrong?"

"Katie, my darling Katie. It's okay. It hurts now, but it's high school. Your dad and I didn't meet until after college. It just takes time sometimes to find the right one."

"But I feel like Jesse is the right one."

"Did I ever tell you about Andrew Tuck?"

"Who?"

"He was the love of my life when I was in high school. We went to every school dance. We were homecoming king and queen my senior year. I thought that he was the one for me, and even had our wedding planned out by the time I graduated."

"What happened?"

"By the time I joined him at college, he'd gotten one of the cheerleaders pregnant."

"Mom, I'm so sorry."

She smiles at me and just gives me another hug, "At the time, I was devastated, true, but I'm long over it. I wouldn't trade the time I had with Andrew for anything, but he wasn't the right man for me, not like your father is."

"Is one of my girls talking about me?"

"Daddy!" I say and throw my arms around him. He usually doesn't get home before I leave for work at the grocery store, so on Wednesday I don't get to see him. I'm so tired when I finally get done with a shift at the restaurant that I'm lucky to fall into bed when I get to my room, let alone do anything else.

"What are you doing home, Bill?"

"Can't a guy take time off for his anniversary?"

"We got married in June, dear."

"True, but the first time I laid eyes on you was in November."

Mom just hugs Dad over that and makes an eye gesture saying, see, he was worth the wait.

I sigh. I understand what Mom is trying to tell me, but I still think that Jesse is the one for me. We fit together well. I know who he is, and I can usually tell what he's thinking without him saying a word. I know how he got that scar on his shin, my fault of course, and I know why he hates the color orange.

We've been friends forever, and I've been in love with him almost as long as I've recognized that I am a girl inside.

"You know, you don't have to work these jobs, pumpkin."

"But I want to, Daddy. Transitioning is important to me. If I didn't pay as much as I could for it, then I wouldn't feel like I appreciated it."

"What about college?"

I get an impish grin on my face and say, "Oh, you two can pay for that."

"You little stinker. Get dressed and I'll drive you to work."

Usually Mom drives me, for obvious reasons, but I'm not one to give up the opportunity to ride in with my dad. I grab my black slacks and my purse and we head into the grocery store.

I'm feeling good about myself and smiling at the customers. I have my hair in a pony tail, and relish in the confusion as people call me 'Miss.'

Toward the end of my shift, there is a small explosion of sound and then some rushing water. I see one of my coworkers, Mindy, come out of the break room soaking wet.

"Come get your stuff out of your lockers, quickly. A pipe burst in the employee changing area."

She means the girl's area, but she knows, like all my coworkers do, that I'm really a girl. She doesn't want to announce that to the world, though, for which I silently thank her.

I close my register and grab my purse. I keep it under my till ever since there was a problem with theft a couple months ago. They're turning off the water at the main when I get to the room, but I can tell that it's a lost cause. My locker is directly beneath the pipe.

When the water flow slows to a trickle I go to my locker and open it. Everything inside it is soaked. This includes my slacks for my next job. My other pair is in the wash with a large stain on the left leg. I'm scared with what this means, but I take a deep breath and push it away. If I ever planned on going to reunions people at my school would eventually find out the truth anyway. And if worse comes to worst I can always go to a new school.

"Thank goodness I shaved my legs this morning," I mutter to myself.

I pull out my cell and give Dad a call. "Can you bring in my knee length black skirt a few minutes early?"

"What's up, pumpkin?"

"A pipe burst and my second pair of pants is now soaking wet."

"What about your other pants?"

"They have a stain on them."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"No, but I want to keep my job. Mr. Strange says he'd prefer me to be there as a girl anyway."

"Ok, pumpkin. I'll bring in your skirt."

They close the store while they get in a plumber to fix the damage. Apparently the pipes burst in more than one location, and there's water damage in a number of places in the store room.

I put my hair into a quick French braid and apply some light makeup. My Mom comes into the store instead of my Dad.

"Here, Katie. I thought if you're wearing a skirt, that you'd prefer to use this."

There's a lacy white bra on top of the folded skirt when she hands it to me. I smile at her and almost giggle. "Thank you, Mom!" and give her a peck on the cheek.

MY girls almost cry out in relief when I release them from their tight cotton prison. They're small still, about an A cup, but they're mine. I slip into the bra and then put my shirt back on. I got it loose to hide what little shape the sports bra failed to hide, but even so, with my curves poking forward like the padded bra makes them the shirt is just short of straining. Well, at least it feels so to me. I could probably take an inch of material out and still have it nicely loose.

I slip into the skirt and the girl's shoes that Mom thought to bring as well and head out to the car. Dad's waiting there for me, too.

"Hey, Katie," he says, "We thought we'd go to dinner at your restaurant tonight." I know it's code for watching over me, so I get a little huffy, "I can watch over myself, Daddy."

"We didn't mean it like that, honey," Mom says. "Your father and I were already going out to dinner. We just decided to change the venue."

"Ok," I say, "but when you get done with your dinner, don't linger? I'll be alright. Mr. Strange would kick anyone who tried anything out. I don't mention that he'd likely fire me as well, but I don't want to add any worries to their plates. Mr. Strange is first and foremost a businessman and he couldn't have me costing him business.

***
The night has been uneventful. I get back at my parents by having the staff sing our happy anniversary song to them. Dad is bright red when we finish, but Mom has happy tearful glistening eyes.

"Thank you, Katie," she says with a hug and a kiss on my cheek.

Toward the end of the night Suzie sneaks into a booth and I think my worlds about to end when I see it's in my section. I square my shoulders and am about to approach her when Alana, the head waitress stops me.

"She said that she was waiting for her boyfriend and to give her a few minutes with the menu before he arrived."

My heart drops into my stomach and I head to the bathroom for a quick panic attack. This is so not how I wanted to tell Jesse I was a girl. I'd imagined doing it so many different ways, usually on a nice spring day at the skate park. He'd be in his pads, and I'd pull out the pink pads and helmet that Mom got me for my birthday last year, I just have never gotten the courage to use. They go well with my black skating outfit, but that's not the point.

"I'd say, hey, look at that, I'm a girl after all," or something equally as snarky.

We'd fall into a kiss….okay, so I have healthy sexual fantasies. I'm a teenager after all. Most of them just involve kissing though. With Jesse.

I check my makeup in the mirror and touch it up a little bit and then head out to take their order.

The boy that Suzie is with isn't Jesse. He has black hair and looks like a line backer. Well, I think that is the position he would play. He's huge. They lean in for a kiss across the table.

"Hello, Suzie." I say walking up, forgetting for the moment how I'm dressed.

She looks up in shock, but then confusion sets in. "Do I know you?"

"We go to school together. So, this is your new boyfriend?"

She goes bright red and the linebacker looks up at me with a scowl, "You're not going to tell anyone that you saw us here together."

"Or what?"

"Or I tell everyone that I saw James in a dress."

My mouth drops open. Suzie didn't see past the breasts, makeup and skirt to the boy underneath, but the football player did?"

"James? You're James?"

"My nametag says 'Katie' Suzie, and if you don't keep your voice down, I will tell Jesse and damn the consequences."

She shuts her mouth with a snap and I turn to the football player, "what's your name, big guy?" I say, putting my hand on his arm and batting my lashes at him a little. I lean in a bit and bite my lower lip. His breathing catches and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

"Now we know where we all stand, I think I have less to lose than either of you do," and more to gain, I think to myself. I figure the linebacker would at minimum be benched. The football team did have a morality code after all.

"J…Katie, let me tell him my own way, okay?"

"I'll give you some time, then," I say with a small smile of triumph, "So, welcome to the Roadhouse. Are you two ready to order?"

***
A couple of weeks passed without incident, and I was almost ready to tell Jesse myself. I'd discovered, from Jesse, that Mr. Muscles was actually named Felix. I saw Felix and Suzie stealing a lot of glances, but she never just came out and told Jesse what was going on.

I had a bit of a growth spurt in this time which made my hiding a lot harder than it used to be. Smashing a pair of 'A's is easy, but when your body decides to join you in your B average it is a lot more painful to hide. I was getting a curvier butt as well, which was both a source of pride and pain. I was starting to really look like a girl no matter what I wore.

I was working at the roadhouse as a girl now, since I'd already done it once without too much fallout. My boss at the store was pushing me to start wearing my Katie nametag there as well.

It looked as though things where about to come crashing down when Suzie approached me after school on a Thursday.

"So, we're having a party tomorrow night for Homecoming."

"That's next week."

"Not the Dance, silly. This is a pre-homecoming party. The Football team has a bye week the week before, so we always gather at one of the player's houses to celebrate. We'd love for you to come….as Katie."

I looked at her suspiciously, "Why?"

"Because I plan on telling Jesse at the party, and I figure it would be a great place for your coming out party."

"I'm not gay, Suzie."

"But, I thought…"

I drag her into the girl's bathroom and lift my shirt. She's bright red and speechless when I pull it back into place.

"Are those real?"

"If I were a lesbian, this would be a fantasy come true and I'd let you touch them all you want. I'm into guys, Suzie."

She blinked a couple of times, as if reordering the world in her mind.

"Can you even be in here?"

"I have permission from the school board any time I choose to start presenting as a girl to be in here. I have a carry letter stating I am a girl that trumps that."

"Oh…well…will you please come to the party?"

"I'll think about it."

"Look, the party's not until nine, so I thought we could take you shopping and get your hair done and stuff beforehand."

"Only if you're paying for it." I smelled something, and it wasn't the normal high school bathroom odor. She was plotting something, I just had to figure out what it was.

She hesitated for a moment, and then plastered a fake smile on her face, "Ok, I'll pay for an outfit for the party and getting your hair done, you just have to agree to the most feminine style that the beautician thinks will fit your features."

"Ok," I said easily.

Suzie, I'm sure, thought it would be an imposition. The thing is I was pretty sure that after this party there'd be no reason for me to come to school as James. Too many people would know, and for good or ill my secret would be out.

***
I got time off work and joined the girls out on the town. There were some whispers going on, but I was fine with it. They weren't my crowd anyway. I heard a couple of gasps the first time I just stripped down in front of them. Sure, I'm afraid of being seen as inferior to the other girls, but I don't let that stop me, and I do spend an hour or so each day telling my image that she is beautiful and sexy.

Maybe one day I'll actually believe it.

"Where's your dick," Allie, one of the girls, says.

"Where it can do no harm," I say with a smile. "Not that it's really useful for anything since I've been on androgen blockers since I was eleven and estrogen for the last year."

"Suzie said you got a boob job," Tara, one of the other girls says.

"Nope, these are USDA pure home grown boy magnets."

I get a giggle out of a couple of the girls. Things relax after that. We try a lot of dresses and skirts and finally settle on a half thigh length pleated skirt in white with pink piping and a blouse. Yes, I could go into the exact description, but for some reason I don't feel like it, mostly because I would have preferred to go with a pair of tight ladies casual slacks with a fitted rock band tee shirt.

That is who I am, not this ass-baring mini freeze fest the girls bought me.

They take me to the salon soon after and I'm relaxing in the chair.

"What can I get for you, honey."

"Didn't Suzie already tell you?"

She opened her mouth, "There's no way you're a boy."

"Thanks for the compliment, but my birth certificate disagrees with you."

"Well, let's make it so no one can tell. Do you want to get your ears pierced as well?"

"Since Suzie is paying? Sure."

The woman giggles at this. "How about some color and highlights? I think you'd be stunning as a blonde."

"What's wrong with my brown hair?"

"Nothing's wrong with being a brunette, but you have such a beautiful peaches and cream complexion that I thought blonde would go perfectly with it."

"Why not," I say.

"Any idea what you want your starter earrings to be?" she says gesturing to the board on the wall.

"The pink stars?"

She giggles a bit at that. I like this woman, and I think I might have to come back here when I need a touch up.

She pierces my ears and dyes my hair. Then she cuts it, putting some nice feathering into it. When she's done, I look so feminine and I just grin at myself in the mirror.

"You're very pretty."

"You're just saying that," I say as I blush.

"No, you're pretty."

"Even if you're not really telling the truth, I appreciate it. Suzie may be paying, but I might as well pay a tip." I pull a couple of twenties out of my purse and hand them to her.

"You think that's a tip? That's almost half of what everything cost in the first place."

"I work as a waitress at the Roadhouse."

She smiles at me and pockets the money. I head out to the front. Suzie gets a smirk on her face, but the other girls gush over my new style, and I have to admit that I join in. I love the way my hair now falls in a soft wave around my face.

We go back out to our cars and drive over to Suzie's house, where the party is already in full swing.

I wanted to blow off my changing nature to James with humor and a little romance, but seeing him there, and feeling the way I do now, I realize that there are no good times for something like this. I can just tell him how I feel and then I get to live with the consequences.

Damn the consequences.

I make my decision, but then realize that I can't find Jesse. I spend a few minutes trying to find him in the main party areas, but I can't find him. Eventually Allie tells me he's on the patio, so I head out to find him.

He's alone so I figure now is the as good a time as any.

"Hey, Jesse."

"Hey…" he says, looking a little confused, "I know you…don't I?"

I smile at him, "Yes, you know me. I've been so scared of talking to you, but dressed like this, looking like I do, I finally feel the courage to tell you."

"Tell me what?"

Suddenly, I'm shy. I don't know why, but faced with the very real possibility of him never wanting to talk to me again, I'm suddenly tongue tied. I look into the bushes and see a glint of light. I walk over there, "What's going on," I say.

Suzie, Allie and Felix are hiding in the bushes.

"What is this?" I say, getting angry.

"James?" Jesse says from behind me.

"You're on camera," Suzie says with a smirk.

"What's going on here?" Jesse says.

"As if you didn't really know. Why don't you ask Suzie who she was with at the Roadhouse two and a half weeks ago? This is obviously a ploy she's using to keep from telling you she's been kissing Felix," I say. I can feel the tears begin to well up a bit in my eyes.

I make it to my car before I break down completely. I drive home, my eyes burning from tears and running makeup. I'm sobbing when I get up to my room. I do the only thing I can. My life is over, and the reason for hiding is gone. I take out my scissors and grab and handful and begin to cut.

No, not my hair. I destroy all of my slacks. I cut up my boy shirts and my ties. When I'm done, all that's left of my boy wardrobe are a few scraps of fabric.

"Katie?"

"I'm not going to be a boy anymore, Mom. Not even pretend like I was at school."

"Do you want me to transfer you?"

"No. I can handle it. Even if I can't be friends with Jesse any more, I want to keep going to school where he is."

"Oh, sweetie." Mom hugs me and I sob some more. "I love your hair."

I snort a laugh amidst the sobs and smile.

"Did you get your ears pierced?"

I just nod. "Thanks, Mom." I'm smiling and the world seems less bleak.

"So, epic shopping spree tomorrow?" she asks looking at the pile of cloth on my floor.

"Epic shopping spree tomorrow," I say with a grin.

***
I walk boldly into school on Monday. My hair is in a high ponytail and I'm wearing a pair of him hugging cargo pants and a fitted tee. It's for my favorite first person shooter. I have to say it looks awesome on me, especially with my breasts pushing out the fabric like they are.

I'm wearing a bit of makeup. Nothing fancy. Just a little blush and some lip gloss.

"Look at the faggot," Felix says from in front of my locker.

"Look at the man whore," I say right back.

"What did you call me?"

"Man whore. Or does Suzie actually say she's with you for your mind? The way you guys went at it at the roadhouse, it more seemed like she just wanted you to screw her brains out."

"Um…but…"

I just smile at him and pat him on the cheek, "Maybe you'll figure it out someday."

"Get him," Felix screams. It's pathetic how riled up some guys get over their prowess.

"You touch her and you're off the team, Felix. As it is, from what I heard I'm not sure you're still on the team now."

"Jesse?" Felix says.

"Fighting is against the morality code, Felix. So is screwing around."

"It's not like you never went there. She wasn't a virgin when we had sex the first time."

"You asshole," Suzie says and begins scratching and kicking Felix.

"Girl fight," I say with a giggle.

Suzie turns on me, "What are you doing dressed like that?"

"I'm a girl, Suzie. Girls dress like this."

She opens her mouth for a moment, but then begins to smile at someone behind me, "You have something to say to him, Jesse?"

I turn around, a little scared and…something else. My heart is pounding. This might be my last chance to tell him how I feel. I open my mouth and look into his eyes. I'm about to say something…and then he kisses me.

Not a little peck on the cheek, or even a little chase kiss on the lips. This is lips and tongues and everything, and I melt against him and he's holding me up and laughing into my mouth and I giggle as we break apart and sigh leaning my head against his chest.

"Go to hell, Suzie," I hear him say, and there's this deep rumbling in his chest when he speaks that I could listen to for hours.

"Those pants make your ass look huge," he says quietly and I just giggle.

"You remembered," I say quietly.

"Of course I remembered. I was only dating Suzie because I was afraid of people thinking I was gay."

"What? You're…" I felt my world shattering around me.

"Of course not. There's only ever been you…what's your name?"

"Katie," I say giggling.

"Mind if I call you 'Kate'? Never liked the whole double 'ee' with Suzie and me."

I just nod at him.

"I only ever loved you, Kate. That's why I still spent so much time with you. You get me in a way that Suzie and all the other Suzie's never will. You're my best friend. We like the same music. We play the same games," he says looking at my shirt. "Although I think you look a lot better in that shirt than I ever would."

My heart begins to race with how he's looking at me. I just smile at him.

"So…not gay?" I say with a little smile.

"Nope. Not gay. Just happy."

I snicker at his pun.

"So, you wouldn't mind being Jesse's girl?"

"Nope, I don't mind at all."