“I don’t think I’ll ever ….I’m not going to look for anyone.” She sighed as she lowered her head to the table once again, and the two nearly echoed her with sighs of their own, like an ironic fade-out to a movie scene.

Previously…

“It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.” We often lose our shame in small increments; and nearly often as not from the permission we gain from a smile or a nod. Lina touched Susan’s face, brushing a stray hair from her eyes.

“Oh, honey...It’s okay. You’re alright.”

We were meant to open doors
And we were meant to face the danger
Never knowing what's in store
And never having met a stranger

The DePasquale home, a few days later…

Carlo sat at the kitchen table across from Susan. Lina had a few errands to run and dinner to pick up, so the two had some rare ‘exclusive’ time. Lina’s bow and quiver sat on the chair next to her; evidence of a renewed feeling of purpose, even if it was almost glacial in its progress. Carlo stood up and walked to the counter by the stove.

“You want some tea?” He opened the upper cabinet door and peered inside.

“Earl Grey…”

“Hot...I know,” he laughed at the comment; the two had a running joke about the tea preference of a certain Starfleet captain; three including Danny, though he seemed so much more serious lately.

“What’s goin’ on, Sue? You seem awfully worked up…for you.”

“I…” She hesitated, looking away. Carlo filled the electric kettle with water and hit the switch before sitting back down.

“I know about Tim. I ran into him at the A&P the other night and he told me that you kicked him to the curb.” He half-smiled and finished quickly as she turned back; her eyes flashing anger.

“Before you kill me, those were his words. I told him I didn’t appreciate the way he treated you, and that he had no business getting all hurt. And I told him that maybe he could go pray with his Dad for someone more acceptable.” Susan didn’t miss the bitter sarcasm in Carlo’s voice, but she still shuddered from the hurt of Tim’s remarks. Carlo reached over and patted her hand.

“I don’t …. I’m never going to find someone. I just…” she bit her lip and looked away once more. Turning her head didn’t hide her tears, and Carlo squeezed her hand.

“You’re a great girl, Sue. You’ll…” She pulled her hand away.

“Don’t, Carlo. I’m not a great girl. Most people don’t even think I’m a girl at all. Don’t tell me I’ll find someone. I don’t believe I’ll ever find someone. Please….” Her voice softened.

“I’m sorry, sis. I didn’t mean to be so…trite.” He sighed.

“It’s just that you are special to me…you’re about as kind a person as I know other than Aunt Lina. It’s just that things….I want things to work out for you. I hope and pray for them…so I can’t just sit here and agree, you understand? It’s like you can never know what God is actually gonna do.” It was his turn to look away as his eyes misted up. Someone had to keep up petitions and pleas; otherwise the whole family might slide into the pit of discouragement their hurt had dug. And Carlo especially felt that if he believed for Susan, then anything could happen.

“I’m so sad all the time, Carlo. Even with Lina and Marie and everybody at school holding me up, it’s just so hard to…” She was much better than sad most of the time, but the pain always looked larger than it actually was, and often dwarfed the good things she realized; something that she and Marie were working on.

“Believe? We have to believe, Sis…it’s all we have…and everything we have.” For someone who’s faith had been battered by sad neglect from shepherds and sheepdogs, so to speak, Carlo was strong.

“Tim doesn’t …” He paused, measuring his words. The last thing he wanted was to look like he was making excuses for someone who had committed such a grave sin; the betrayal of a friend.

“He doesn’t realize what he’s doing, I bet. I think that even though he’s sort of made a break with his Dad, it’s a lot of his Dad still talking when he opens up his mouth.” Carlo took a deep breath; speaking the truth in love still can hurt like hell, to mix metaphors.

“You deserve someone who actually loves you. I think he’s still only interested in being someone who is loved. He loves that you love him.” The last sentence was almost unnecessary as Carlo’s words stung like alcohol on an open wound; cleaning and adding to the healing but still painful. She gasped and shook her head; not to disagree with the truth but to regret it. Susan put her head on the table and began to cry. Carlo stroked and even combed her hair with his fingers; brushing the loose locks from her face. He heard the kitchen door open behind him.

“Oh…” Lina mouthed ‘no’ silently as she put some bags on the counter.

“We were just talking about what a great girl I am,” Susan said with only a bit of sarcasm in her voice. Lina stepped closer and patted Carlo on the back before sitting down on his other side next to Susan.

“You are a great girl, honey.” It had become almost a daily frustration that Lina felt incapable of encouraging the girl. But she had been encouraging the girl, and her words, coupled with her brother’s, helped her reach up from the plateau where she had been stuck.

“I am not a great girl, Lina,” she said pulled off a paper towel from the roll on the table.

“But I’m okay. And I’m not going to waste any more time…” She might as well have included Tim’s name, since they knew immediately what she meant. She took it further, which was disappointing to both Lina and Carlo as she finished.

“I don’t think I’ll ever ….I’m not going to look for anyone.” She sighed as she lowered her head to the table once again, and the two nearly echoed her with sighs of their own, like an ironic fade-out to a movie scene

One of us is big and brave
And one of us is tenderhearted
One of us is tempting fate
And the last but not least of us
Has faith enough for each of us

And I know
That I could never go it alone
'Cause I believe
I'd be lost without You here beside me

Union County College Student Lounge, that Friday…

Five students sat at a round table near the entrance to the lounge. Two young women dressed in the predictable casual college fare along with a rather tired looking tallish boy and his equally tall if alert looking friend. And in between the boys and the girls sat an attractive Muslimah. Her hijab looked to be silk; very soft and a pastel blue. She wore a maroon tee over a white long-sleeved top with loose cream-colored pants.

“My sister and I finished our prerequisites…at least the classes. I’ve got a final on Wednesday.” Noorah said to no one in particular at the table. Both sisters were taking classes simultaneously at Rutgers and Union County College.

“What is it you’re going to Major in at Rutgers?” The girl sitting across from her asked; a nice young lady from Plainfield named Darien.

“Well, Dorri was accepted at Newark for Med school!”

“That’s wonderful,” Susan said. She had been instrumental in encouraging Noorah’s sister regarding her aspirations to be a pediatrician.

“She’s still waiting to hear from Columbia, right?”

“Yes,” Noorah said with a smile. “I think it looks very good for her, but she’s a lock for UMDNJ!”

“And what about you?” Darien asked. “You’ve been looking into a dual major?”

“Well, I’m not quite sure about doing two graduate degrees. My father did when he and Mom were in London, but I’d be happy to just finish one. Between my undergraduate courses here and at Rutgers, I’ve gotten enough behind me that NYU sent me a letter…” She barely got the words out of her mouth when Susan and Darien began to clap. Jake and Raheem just nodded and smiled; trying without any success to give the impression that they knew all along. But her heart had been plain all along. While the prospects for her were still somewhat dim even as a woman in the twenty-first century, she hoped somehow to make a difference in her father’s homeland.

“International Relations!” Noorah finished. Raheem nodded once again, while Jake just shrugged. Susan smiled and grabbed Noorah’s hand. In that moment she suddenly realized that even with a campus only thirty or so miles away, Noorah’s time would be taken up by studies and like so many of her peers, she’d likely relocate to Manhattan. And that led to the sudden realization that she’d miss someone who had in only a few short months become her best friend.

“Ladies and gentleman and Jake….” Darien giggled during a pronounced pause for effect before exclaiming,

“I give you the next Ambassador from Iran to the United Nations.”

“Hell, she’ll be the next President!” Raheem interjected. Noorah’s cheeks began to redden, as everyone began to laugh in agreement. She smiled and lowered her eye modestly. And she felt an odd sense of warmth which went away quickly as she realized Susan was still holding her hand. She turned her head and faced Susan and smiled nervously as she pulled her hand away slowly; probably much more pronounced than she wanted. And Susan pulled her hand away quickly; even more pronounced. And her face began to grow hot. She stood up; again more quickly than she had wanted.

“I’ve got to get over to the Psych building,” she fibbed. She looked around the table and smiled to everyone, being extra careful not to smile at Noorah, even if she didn’t realize it at the moment. She turned quickly, catching her foot on a chair from the table next to theirs; nearly tripping before fleeing through the nearby exit. As she walked outside, she felt a soft breeze against her face along with the smell of roses. She walked about fifty yards or so; putting distance between her and the Student lounge before turning back to stare at the building. She breathed out a deep sigh and shook her head; denying the odd sensation that was slowly surfacing, which added to her embarrassment.

Breathing in deeply, she noticed once again the smell of roses; not an odd fragrance, but not really common either for the area. It didn’t seem very strong; almost subdued or diluted. She closed her eyes and her face seemed to glow in recognition as she realized it smelled almost like the subtle hint of roses. Someone’s perfume. ...Her perfume. And she opened her eyes; shocked would have been an understatement at that point as she realized as well that the scent was present, so to speak, in the haunting dream she had only a few days before. And that the face she had seen…the face of the person who had loved her and made her feel alive, even if only in a dream….the same face of the person that kissed her was Noorah.

It's like daylight
At midnight
It's my favorite dream when nothings really as it seems
Don't wake me
Just take me
Take me by the hand and I will believe

Back home, early that evening….

Susan walked quickly past the living room and down the hall toward her bedroom, practically ignoring the aroma of basil and garlic that wafted through the house. She closed her door slowly and leaned against it, feeling almost exhausted after what began as a fairly undemanding day. A knock came at the door, followed by Danny’s voice.

“Susan? Sis? You okay?” He leaned his head against the door frame like he was still a little brother.

“I’m…I don’t feel good. I’ve got a headache.” It was true that she had a headache, but it was much truer, in a way, that she wasn’t feeling very good for another reason.

“It’s Monday,” he said, as if she needed a reminder, but it was the day he and Carlo had a standing invitation to dinner.

“Aunt Lina made Ziti and meatballs.” A family favorite from their mother’s kitchen, it had become even more special in recent years because of Louise’s passing. Lina tried to provide as much security as she could with familiar things even to the point of duplicating the recipe down to the mint in the meatballs.

“I’m not hungry,” she protested; her voice almost a whisper.

“Come on, Susan? We’ve got a surprise for you?” Susan could almost see his smile through the closed door as he laughed softly. Danny’s laughter seemed to mimic Mandarin in that each laugh had a meaning of its own, depending upon the tone. She couldn’t read this one; almost a brand new laugh, it nevertheless sounded safe and promising. She opened the door a crack.

“It’s not my birthday for another two weeks, Danny.” She peeked through the opening and he reached in, grabbing her hand gently.

“Come on, Sis. Okay?” He really didn’t wait for a reply, leading her down the hallway slowly. It almost begged a ‘now, close your eyes.’ She followed him with reluctance, however; each step becoming more difficult than the last until she was almost standing still at the archway into the living room. Carlo got up off the couch and walked slowly to her and hugged her.

“Happy birthday, early, Sue,” he said. She looked into his eyes and saw tears; nothing completely out of the ordinary for him, but still a bit emotional for a meal with family. Lina was standing at the foot of the stairs leading up to her bedroom. She stepped aside as a familiar figure walked down the stairs into the living room.

“Happy birthday.” The voice was halting; as if there was more to say than just a birthday greeting. And what was left unsaid had been left unsaid for years. Tonight, the word was finally spoken.

“Susan?” The voice might have been tentative and almost doubtful in a way, but the softness of the intent made the moment more precious as Jerry Albanese held his arms out. The gesture was desperately needful but entirely daunting for a girl who already lacked confidence in her own impressions and faith. It was entirely too much to take in for a girl who was used to believing she deserved nothing but shame on a day filled with acceptance. She started to shake before falling into Carlo's arms, weeping.

We have always been protected
Little ones should run and hide
But we expect the unexpected
When love arrives and calls us all inside

And I know
That even when the wind blows
I'll be fine
'Cause You and I will get by 'til Springtime

To be continued...

I Will Believe
Words and music by
Jay Joyce, Jill Tomalty and the
performer Nichole Nordeman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8G6fp2nwKE