Masks Chapter 5

*Before…

“I…” Part of me is wildly looking for an excuse and the other part is waking up like the real me curled up crying inside just say someone open up the drapes inside the dark room I’ve been trapped in and I…I can maybe…maybe just take a chance…look outside…be me…?

“Okay…okay…”

I can do this right?

“Good the bathroom is upstairs and on the left.”

I head up and I’m shaking…I look at myself in the mirror and I take the wig out of my jacket pocket and shake it loose and try to get it to look okay and I get undressed and stare at myself…not at this stranger that only sort of looks like me in the mirror and then mask falls off and I grab a towel and I start crying into it to muffle the way that everything feels right now.

That’s not me looking back at me.

*And Now…

It’s hard, it’s so damned hard to get myself under control and it’s a good five minutes or so I think of me crying into the towel I’m holding and shaking and that curled up inside this person that’s on the outside of me thing kind builds to this stomach hurting and hard to breathe crying fit that feels like the real me is punching and kicking and trying to get out and get free.

It’s like a little storm inside all stirred up by my idiot brothers and all of this stuff with M.J. and it’s over though and the hurt fades to that dull used to it ache and I try to breathe…I snag some tissues and blow my nose and that helps.

It happens you know me, the real me rearing up and trying to get out. It doesn’t last…it’s just that after living with this for years and years…yes I’m aware I’m just a kid but I knew that I wasn’t a boy as long as I could remember really.

The real me…I’m…she’s tired.

It is so tiring being like this.

I breathe and breathe and I close my eyes and I grab a hand towel and I wet it and let the water run to get it as cold as I can and I press it to my face. Get the blotchy down to a workable level.

Breathe…breathe…

Okay I wash a bit too and I get undressed and I try not to look in the mirror to see the stuff in there that’ll set me off again and I slip into the clothes that M.J. lent me and even the track pants seem really soft compared to mine and I like the tee-shirt even if I’m totally flat and I slip on the ankle socks and then the wig.

There’s some bobby pins there and I push them through the rubber of the wigs scalp and fit it into place. I mean it’s not like a real hair wig it’s like a cheap one but it looks pretty close to natural and I fuss with it a little bit until I get it set with then pins clipped sort of into my own hair and then I comb and brush it out and put the hoodie on.

“Oh holy shit…”

I know it’s just a cheap wig and clothes but right now this is closer than I’ve ever been to being me and everything.

God looking at the stuff there on the counter I sooo, sooo… badly want to do more.

I bite my lips and curl my hands into my sleeves and take a good long look and pull it in.

This might be one of the only times in my life that I’ll ever be the real me in real clothes.

I gather my things and set them in a pile neatly and I head downstairs.

I can smell spices and toast and chocolate?

“Mary Jane?”

“Yo! You okay? I didn’t think you needed that much help getting into…oh holy cheese!”

I smile at the reaction and I take a little spin.

“So…does these sweats so off my butt?”

“……………….”

“M.J.?”

“Uhm what? Oh geez Steph you look…”

“I look what?” Do I look stupid? Do I look like some stupid boy in drag?

Wait what? She called me Steph.

“You look like a girl.”

“Wasn’t that ‘like’ the point?”

“Yeah but wow.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously.”

“Not a guy in drag.”

“Hey! You’re wearing my clothes I don’t dress like a drag queen.”

“No actually not this outfit’s pretty cool actually a little Avril.”

“Oh…well that’s not so bad.”

“No I like her look I’d kill to have her hair.”

She’s giving me a funny look.

I point to myself. “Uhm…hello girlfriend…”

“Yeah…okay and speaking of that c’mon we should talk.”

Oh dammit I almost had her off that.

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re chilled out. Whatever got to you is still there y’know talking helps.”

(Sigh.) “Okay…” I go over to the table where she’s at and I love it. They’re kitchen table is actually this table set in front of this curved window seat like a booth at a restaurant. Only it’s a window seat and it’s really nice and cozy and comfy looking.

I’d have honestly bought this house just for that.

Mary Jane pour steaming milk from a ceramic pitcher and then tea from another pot and it smells like hot chocolate with spices? She made toast too from the bread but there’s icing on it? And she has some without but there’s an open jar of that hazelnut chocolate stuff.

I take a sip of the tea? Ohhh I like this. “What is this?”

“Chocolate Chai tea.”

“I like it.”

She nods and she takes a drink of her own and she looks at me. “Okay what gives?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t huh me, you’re already a big question mark.”

“Like what? I mean why am I a big question mark?”

“Uhm you’re dressed as a girl and you’re hanging out with me.”

“Yes…I thought that we covered that when we pinky swore?”

“Steph…c’mon spill.”

I take a sip of my tea and look at it. “I don’t mind it…M.J. they’re just clothes and you’re pretty cool and you seemed like you really wanted to hang out with me like this.”

“I do…I mean we’ve moved around so much and it’s so hard for me to make friends looking like this.”

“Yeah well sometimes being beautiful is a curse.”

“Yeah…and you’re changing the topic!” She gives me this piqued look.

I shrug. “It’s not a big deal. I’m weird and I don’t mind stuff that some other guys do.”

“I noticed and you know about stuff like how to clean off make up and you look totally comfortable in those clothes.”

“Well they’re comfortable and I do know some girls and I do watch the things that you girls do and stuff.”

Like all the time, almost religiously.

I try some of the toast and it’s good she made cinnamon toast with lots of cinnamon but the white stuff is like the sort of cream cheese icing like you’d have on carrot cake and just leaning more towards the tart cheesy side that sweet.

“Okay, then why were you upset?”

“Billy and Bobby.”

“Okay since they’re kind of dicks to begin with I’m going to say that they did something that involved them being dicks?”

“Yeah, I went in the house in a hurry and I totally forgot and I was wearing the wig.”

“And they decided to tease you about it?”

“Yeah and to take it and play monkey in the middle with it and me.”

“Oh okay so you guys got into a fight?”

“Sort of just…I’m not like them. And you almost have to be like then to survive them sometimes and it just sucks.”

I feel the hurt and stuff beginning to bubble inside. I take a hot drink and try to wash it down.

“That bad? I mean don’t brothers like do that kind of stuff?”

“Yeah some I mean I guess but they never really let up y’know they’re always ‘putting me in my place. And then they’re always saying stuff like that and they think that because I can look at a girl and think she’s a person more than a piece of ass or a pair of boobs that I’m gay or something.”

“Are you gay?”

“Not as far as I know of…?”

And honestly I don’t know. I’ve never been able to look at other girls without wanting to be like them or even be them for as long as I remember and everything else was just guyoflage all the time. At the same token I’ve never had a boy that has given me the yays.

“But them calling you it bugs you.”

“Hell yeah and all the other stuff too. I mean I play hockey and I like it and it’s fun and stuff buy it’s just the locker rooms to me and it’s more kind of smelly and gross in there than anything that I’d find sexy.” I actually allow that bit out with a long repressed shudder.

M.J. Smirks at that.

“Okay so they’re assholes then. But I mean you‘re used to that right?”

“Mary Jane, you never really get used to that stuff….trust me.”

“But don’t your folks stop it?”

“Yeah, and Mom and Dad put them in their place usually but it just gets old and I get mad and when I get mad I open way up and I get really pissed but I get that upset that sometimes I cry and that just gives them more stuff to be jerks about.”

“I’d get tired of it too.”

I nod. “Well if you were their sister I’d shudder to thing how they’re treat you then.”

“Well I’d likely kick their butts too.”

“But that’s not the worst of it either!”

Okay I’m getting a bit steamed again, hurt.

“It’s what Mom said that they’re teenaged assholes because they’re going through puberty and that I’ll likely be a teenaged asshole too when I start and I don’t want that! I don’t want to be like them M.J.!”

“Then don’t be an asshole.”

That was so not what I was talking about. But I just sigh and nod. It hurts and I try more tea to wash it down.

“I know…but it feels like there’s this gun to my head that I’ll hit puberty like them and all the Moronestone they have pumping through them will mess with my head and start changing me and…Jesus M.J. I don’t want to be like them! I don’t and it scares the crap out of me.”

She slides over and she hugs me. I hug her and while I’m fighting back from crying again I know I’m shaking…I can feel parts of me rattle.

“Believe it or not I get it too Steph.”

“Really?” I’m really trying hard not to go to the Emo sarcastic place because how could she know.

“Yeah…believe me all this stuff with me wasn’t on my list of omigawd yay things.”

“All this stuff like?”

“The boobs, the butt…going into puberty like this.”

“But you look so good.”

“Yeah but before that I was just this skinny red haired geeky tomboy girl and then puberty slams into me and stuff and I change. I was scared to death of it.”

“But you’re not going to turn into something that you’re not.”

“Oh no? I've seen friends that did. Geeky and smart and funny and cool one time and the next year they (She does air quotes) ‘Blossom.’ and it’s all boys and boys and clothes and not just that stuff because I get it too I mean it’s not like it’s that strange but it was like puberty hit this bimbo button and they just started acting stupid.”

“Oh…well I’m pretty sure it doesn’t make you dumber.”

“No, it doesn’t but with them they acted it. They were suddenly pretty and then popular and they pretty much just left the rest of us behind and acted…and I mean acted like dummies so the boys would like them.”

“Kinda uncool.”

“Yeah but I was scared it was going to happen to me. That the hormones or whatever would get in my head and make it so like I was feeling stuff differently and that I’d act like that…like them.”

“But they didn’t change they just sold out M.J...”

“Exactly just like your brothers.”

“Huh?”

“Look at them they’re just guys and they act like a whole lot of guys act but not all guys are like that, not by half.”

“I…okay maybe I won’t but I…I’m still scared M.J.”

“And I get that, hey think how scary getting a period is. Bleeding and the smells and then you’re bloated and crampy and then there’s the mood swings. I used to see people I knew after they got theirs and wondered what the hell happened and if I’d go nuts too.”

“It’s not that bad.”

She looks at me. “Y’know I could go off on a girl rant about how would you know for you saying that.” She raises her eyebrow at me.

“Sorry.” But I would give anything for that…even the pain and the blood all of it.

“You’re right for a lot of us it isn’t the deal so many of us play it up to be but there are some girls where it’s torture. But what I’m meaning seeing that stuff and staring down the barrel of that gun is kind of scary as much as it’s a good thing.”

“Good thing?”

“Oh in girl land if you haven’t gotten you’re period then you’re kind of considered a freshman amongst girls it’s like guys and fighting.”

I nod. “Actually yeah, you get no respect if you haven’t been in at least one kind of public scrape or semi public scrape even if you lose.”

I add. “Unless you’re good at sports, if you’re a jock you get a pass.”

“Is that why Steven plays?”

Blink, blink…

“Actually he does. When you’re weird and different and not like the other kids the best camouflage is to be good at sports unless you can do something just as cool.”

“Just as cool?”

“Bands, bands are cool enough to get you a pass.”

“So what is Steven cover up by playing hockey?”

I…uhm…

Sigh… “That he doesn’t want to be some testosterone filled jerk like all the other guys that he knows. It’s not socially manceptable.”

I look at her and she’s looking at me and she leans on my side and gives me this big hug. “Well anytime Steph wants to escape the Guylight zone she’s welcome here.”

I know or I think she means it differently but I’m going to take it anyway. I can’t do this at home…it’s…it’s just Mom there and she wouldn’t get me not wanting to be her son.

And Dad the same. I don’t think they’d hate me but at the same time I’d be a pretty big bunch of not getting it and being embarrassed for and because of me and even being disappointed.

I think seeing them disappointed in me would be one of the worst things.

My brothers though yeah…well they’re assholes on a regular day to me I don’t even want to imagine what they’d do with this.

I squeeze a little tighter too with M.J. because there’s a little desperate strength in there and I get it. She’s lonely and she really wants a friend and we’re related so there’s a big chunk of the socially awkward stuff already done and out of the way with us.

“It’s been rough huh M.J.?”

“Wha…” I think I surprised her.

“Moving and showing up at these new schools.”

“Yeah…god Steph it sucks.”

“But you’re here now.”

“And scared as shit.”

“Well I happen to know that Steven will help out he’s good like that.”

(Sniffle.) “Good…god it sucks…I move to a new place and it’s hard enough being the new kid but then you have these. (She chest gestures) and they assume shit and the stuff I get is like I’m a bimbo or I’m a slut or both and the popular girls want to snub me and they do and the geek girls snub me and they do so I’m usually the odd girl out and by the time I’m there for a week I’m a snob because they won’t associate with me!”

She went from zero to cry in that burst and I shift my weight so she’s leaning and crying on my shoulder instead of me on hers and I rock a little.

“Hey… even when I’m in drag we’re still going to be girlfriends.”

“Drag?”

“Guy drag.” God I’m really skimming the edge with this.

She sniffle chuckles a little. “Cool…so you won’t leave me hanging at school?”

“No way no how we pinky swore I hold that shit sacred.”

Mary Jane looks at me. “I’m so glad we’re cousins. I’d never have had the guts to make a friend like you this fast.”

I nod. “Ditto that goes for me too. I mean you’re actually the first real female friend that I’ve ever had.”

She nods. “I’ve tried but like I said it’s hard and then there’s my dad…”

Mary Jane’s dad is an RCMP officer and he and Aunt Elsbeth are divorced I heard Mom say it was because he was cheating on her and stuff. I’m not going to call him a jerk for it even though it’s a shitty thing to have done I’m just going to say with the stuff that you go through on the job with like law enforcement and stuff something gives.

One of the goalies on the hockey team his dad was in the armed forces and he’s said that his dad hasn’t been the same since coming back from Afghanistan and I know another kid whose mom was an EMT who’s in rehab.

But one of the shitty things is if you’re in an RCMP family is they move around a lot and you don’t usually get station with like a choice of where you’re going to be until you’ve been in a long time and they need a person to be like the local Sergeant.

And everyone knows moving around sucks and the only thing worse than being a preachers kid is a cops kid and yeah…she’s been through enough stuff.

She wipes her eyes. “Thanks Steph you’re…you’ve like super been awesome for me all day.”

I grin and tilt my head and valley girl it. “I’ve been like sup-per awesome like totally.”

She shoulder shoves me. “Hey! I don’t talk like that!”

“But you just said it?” I start to snicker and she does too.

“That was so cool you do vale so well.”

“Lots of TV and stuff.” It’s true when I can watch something girl oriented I do…partly to escape and partly to just learn…and a lot of the time it’s on my laptop or e-reader and stuff…some young teenaged guys read and look at porn me I’ve clandestinely read all of the Sweet Valley High books.

They are good books actually for kid’s books.

Mary Jane gets up and she grabs the plate with the toast on it and she refills our teas. “C’mon let’s go upstairs and stuff you said you wanted to see my room right?”

“Sure!”

I’m partly excited and I’m partly bracing myself to be jealous and I go with her upstairs.

I feel better than I did…opening up and helping each other even if it’s not all the way it’s helped, the clothes are helping heck being in an exclusively female home helps.

I’m not into the spiritual stuff that much because I can’t it’s guyboden but there is a female energy to the house.

I…okay M.J. bedroom door has these little tole-painted flowers around the old moulding for the door and she has a dream catcher hanging there in the middle of the door. It’s cool already.