”Your breasts are going to start to grow more quickly now. You are going to start to grow and get feminine curves. The blockers in your system are making sure that you don’t start producing boy’s hormones. The girl’s hormones are going to make you girly. It has already started. You probably have been really emotional. Your nipples are getting bigger. The dark area around your nipples is getting bigger. Your breasts are getting bigger. It will be impossible to hide this from your mother for long. In a few weeks to months, it will really start to show. Shouldn’t we tell your Mom?”

Miss Karawek’s words slowly sink into my numbed brain. I have been taking hormones that are turning me into a real girl. It doesn’t matter that I did not know what A-Wut was giving me–the pills have started working. The weird crying and yelling that I could not control; my sore boobs; those are just a start. And now, A-Wut has somehow maneuvered me into taking supervised shots to keep the changes going.

I sit and try to think. I can’t tell Mom what is really going on and soon I will have to figure out how to hide the changes that the stupid hormones are going to do to me. OK, so Miss Karawek, Mallee, and Nurse Buppha are willing to ‘help’ me because we are all ‘kathoey’, even if that means helping me hide this from Mom. For some reason, that is the only thing that even comes close to making sense to me, even though I know it is wrong.

Suddenly I realize that Miss Karawek is still talking to me, “…Kanya? I really think that we should tell your Mom. She loves you. She will understand.” I think to myself that there really is nothing for her to understand, at least as far as my wishes go. When I think about what A-Wut could do to me and Dao, though, there is no choice in the matter. I look at her, trying to focus, and say, “Miss Karawek, Mom can’t understand. I don’t understand. I only know I have to do this and she can’t know or she will stop me. Please don’t tell her. Please help me hide my changes from her so she does not make me stop them. I have to keep taking them!” And then I start crying again…

Miss Karawek hugs me and says, “Of course, Kanya. I promised you that we kathoey are here for you–just as you, one day, will be there for other kathoey–like you are now for Dao. The breast forms and the padded bra Malee has fixed you up with will hide the changes in your breasts for a while, as long as you are wearing the bra. You can simply stop using the breast forms as your breasts grow–it will only get difficult after they get big enough that they are visible at night in your pajamas. There are ways to help there, too, though and we will cross that bridge when we get there.”

Miss Karawek gets up and goes to her desk to jot down some notes. She says, “I will work on your Mom to allow you to go to training sessions with Malee. I will tell her it will help you fit into the kathoey and Thai culture. Malee will likely try and enter you into a beauty contest, but that is the least of your worries. Nurse Buppha will ensure that you safely get the proper hormones and blockers to get you through your female puberty as quickly as possible, so that you can come out. You are one of us now and we will take care of you.”

There are several key things that begin that week that start to define who I am to become:

A-Wut, for once is leaving me alone, at least physically. It is clear from his smug smirks that nothing has changed, though. I have to play ball his way, or I am toast. He seems to always be around, just as a reminder…

Hom and the girls don’t abandon me, as I had feared. As a matter of fact, they slowly start including me more in their girly group–not just as a makeup challenge, but more as an actual part of the group. They include me in their conversations and ask my opinion on things. It feels good to be included, I have never had the luxury of real friends; the few guy semi-friends that I had as Danny were more interested in goofing around and getting into trouble than talking.

The teachers, for the most part, now treat me like one of the girls, which means they treat me nicely. It is bizarre when I think about it, but they really do seem to encourage girly behavior from the boys here in school, even though boys and men are considered ‘better’ out in the real world.

Mom continues to treat me like a ‘slave daughter’–I am doing a lot of the cleaning, cooking, washing and ironing. It seems like I am being punished, although I do notice that she is starting to treat me a bit differently…like she is starting to connect with me on a different level than as Danny. She tells me things that she never used to and laughs and giggles more around me. It is nice to see her laugh, although I can tell she is still sad about Dad and worried about me.

Dao starts treating me more like Miss Karawek, Malee, and Nurse Buppha do–as one of the ‘kathoey’. She starts telling me more about her family; about how she comes from a poor family. Both of her parents died a couple of years ago and she is staying with an uncle that started her on female hormones when she was barely ten. She tells me that she is expected to get into the ‘entertainment business’ very soon. I am horrified when she tells me what that means.

Miss Karawek convinces Mom to allow me to go to Malee’s for ‘training’. Since Mom cannot take me, Miss Karawek volunteers to take me on Wednesdays after school for a two-hour session. Malee starts teaching me how to walk in high heels and model clothes.

Nurse Buppha gives me my shots every Monday and the burning never gets any better…

It has been six weeks since I started the shots, a total of eight weeks on hormones and the body changes are starting to become noticeable and to come faster now. Malee has had to quietly exchange my shoes, since my feet are now a size bigger. She got me the same kind I had, so Mom wouldn’t notice. My hands are a little bigger, too, it seems. I have grown and inch taller…

My nipples are about the size of pencil erasers and easily get hard, like when I walk into a cold room, or something like that. The dark area around my nipple, Miss Karawek says it is called the ‘areola’, is really big and sort of bumpy now, too. The little lumps that had started in my breasts have spread out, I guess–I can’t feel them anymore. I easily fill the cups in my padded bra without the breast forms; Malee says I am an A-cup and quickly growing. I have to tightly wrap my chest with an elastic bandage if I have to be around Mom without my bra to hide it all. I try and keep that to an absolute minimum, though, since it is really uncomfortable.

I am sitting in a chair at my session with Malee. According to her, I am now basically a pro at walking in heels and she says I could have a real future in modeling, if I want. I have to admit that I really like the feel of the nice girl’s clothes; it is something to consider if I am going to have to live out my life as a girl.

I sit and think about that, again. I don’t think about it quite as much anymore–living out my life as a girl, I mean. I am settling into life as a girl, though. Hom and the girls are rubbing off on me. I am starting to giggle like them, talk like them, think like them… I am even starting to pick up a little Thai from them. On top of all of that, Mom loaded my Kindle with all kinds of girly teen books and magazine subscriptions and removed anything remotely boyish after she figured out that her ‘girl slave’ methods weren’t changing my mind. I am beginning to relate more and more with the characters in those books–I feel their emotions. And I can’t seem to get enough of the gossip in the girly teen magazines, which is always a good source of discussion topics with Hom…

Malee comes up behind me, hair extensions in her hand, and startles me as she says, “Well, you certainly are quiet today, Kanya. Are you OK?” I nod and give her a hug, feeling my growing boobies press against her. She smiles and asks, “How are the party preparations coming along? Has your Mommy gone crazy, yet?” I giggle and say, “Mommy is doing just fine. She has me doing most of the prep work. I realize that we are pretty equally sharing the girly chores at home, but it is still pretty new to me to have to do girl’s stuff. Anyway, we will be ready for everyone on time.”

I am getting really excited; Saturday is my birthday and Mom is allowing me to invite a bunch of the girls over to a party; some are even going to spend the night at my first-ever ‘pajama party’. Malee is getting ready to put in my hair extensions, as an early birthday present, especially for the occasion. My hair is finally long enough for them and I am looking forward to forever being rid of that hot wig.

As she starts making a bunch of really small tight braids up against my scalp, I ask her about what I had learned from Dao. She tells me that, unfortunately, a lot of kathoey are forced into prostitution, especially in the poorer families. She finishes the braids and starts sewing in the extensions and tells me that Miss Karawek was almost forced into the ‘entertainment industry’ when she was not much older than Dao. Fortunately, her adoptive parents took her in at that time and saved her from that fate. She tells me that Miss Karawek has made it her mission to give kathoey good job opportunities; that is why all of the staff and teachers at the school are kathoey, even if not all of them are in full ‘girl-mode’.

Malee washes my hair and trims it up. After she dries it, I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head so that the hair flies around my face. I grin, it feels so much better than that wig. I hug Malee again and she makes me put on my 4-inch heels and walk the catwalk to model myself…

Saturday finally arrives and I nervously finish getting myself ready. Mom almost catches me without my bra and unwrapped when I getout of the shower, but I am able to get a towel around my chest in time to hide my boobs. So I quickly get dressed, using the new strategy that Malee taught me. I wear clothes now that are designed to accentuate my growing hips and thighs and narrowing waist. Because Mom knows the clothes are designed for that, she does not notice the real truth. At least not yet…

Mom had made a big deal when I came home on Wednesday with my extensions and she took a bunch of pictures, calling me her ‘cutie pie’. I am still getting used to the extensions and decide not to do much with my hair today. So I pull it back into a tight high ponytail and start putting on my makeup.

While we sit down to breakfast, Mom explains the concept of a ‘pajama party’ to me again. It is not something that I have ever been a part of, for obvious reasons, and it is a truly American custom, so my Thai girlfriends have no concept either. We go over the list of games and movies and things for tonight. As I understand it, the whole idea is to stay awake as long as we can, all night is best, and do each other’s makeup and nails and watch movies and talk and giggle… It does sound like fun, but I am not looking forward to having to tightly wrap my boobies all night. Being in pajamas out in the open leaves me no option, though…

The first girls start arriving at one and bring me a ton of presents. At around three I start opening my presents and wind up with a lot of new makeup and nail polish, tons of cute clothes, several pairs of earrings, and a couple of purses. Then Mom hands me a small, flat box and smiles. I undo the ribbon and the wrapping paper and open the box. My eyebrows go up in confusion. All I see is a folded piece of paper in it. I unfold it and a dainty silver necklace falls out; it is one of those necklaces with a cursive name hooked into the chain. This one says, “Kanya.” There is also a nice pair of silver dangly earrings. But, the real surprise is what the paper says. I look at it again and can barely catch my breath, it says my official name is now “Kanya Michelle Johnson.”

Mom comes over and clasps the necklace behind my neck as she says, “Well, Cutie Pie, I legally changed your name. You are now officially ‘Kanya’. It just seemed so…right. You have been so happy as Kanya lately. I added ‘Michelle’ because that is what I would have named you if you had been born a girl.” Hom grins and asks, “What does ‘cutie pie’ mean?” Mom explains it to her and Hom laughs. She says, “That is too American for our Kanya–she is not a cutie pie, she is a Thai pie!” I groan, but know right away it is going to stick. I no more than get my old nickname changed to my real one, even if I did not ask for it, and it gets changed to a new nickname…

Mom finally goes to bed around midnight. I wait another half hour until I am sure that she is asleep and then I say to Hom and the girls, “Don’t freak out, OK? But this is killing me.” I take off my nightie and undo the wrap around my boobies. Hom gasps is surprise at the same time as I sigh in relief. I rub the blood back into my freed boobies, put my nightie back on, and shush the girls, “Shhh! I don’t want to wake Mommy. She can’t know…” I start telling them a spruced up version of the truth about the hormones, leaving A-Wut out of it, when Hom gasps again. She says, “It was A-Wut, wasn’t it? That is what he was always doing with…no, to…you at school all the time! Were you doing it voluntarily? No, I don’t think so–it has something to do with Dao, doesn’t it?”

At that moment, a flood of emotions washes over me. A mixture of relief and absolute terror; relief that someone has finally figured it out and I am not going to have to keep the secret so close anymore and terror that A-Wut will find out.

Hom starts a movie in case Mommy wakes up and we all huddle. I tell them the real truth and Hom asks, “So, you never wanted to be a girl?” I shake my head and say, “Not in the beginning, no.” Then she asks, “And now?” I think about what I would do if I had a real choice. Finally, I say, “I don’t know, Hom. There are some things I miss about being a boy, but there are a lot of things I love about being a girl--mostly I love being with you guys; being one of you girls. If I really had a choice, it would be hard to decide now, I think, but it is a moot point. I am stuck as a girl–but I am really glad that I am stuck with all of you! I love you guys and love being a part of this group!”

Then Hom and the girls start plotting. They are determined to get back at A-Wut. One thing I learned over the past few weeks is that when they set their mind to something you better watch out. It took them weeks of campaigning and starting a petition but they won, and, starting next week, I am allowed to use the girl’s room at school. I am scared that this may backfire, though. I beg them to be really careful for Dao’s sake–and quietly to myself I think for mine.

I was afraid that things would get weird between us after my admission, but we are all up the rest of the night talking and planning and they do not treat me any differently at all–if anything, our bond seems to have become even tighter…

To be continued in Part 6.