The next morning, I get up before the alarm goes off and take a shower. I had only slept in ‘spurts’ and feel a little tired. Between dreams and my mind just not turning off, it had been a long night, and I finally just gave up.

I get out of the shower and pat myself dry. As I do so, I look at myself in the mirror. I have grown used to the ‘girl’ that looks back at me, but, once again wonder if George is still in there? I go back into my room and sit at my vanity to put on my makeup. I can do easily so without much thought anymore, it just is like being on autopilot.

While working on my face, I think about the ‘finals’ I have to take today and how ‘George’ would have studied with Joe and Fred and met up with them before class to psych each other up. ‘Gwen’ does not have any friends, at least not outside Bree, and, well Julie, since it is obvious that I was not going to talk about what I am doing to either Joe or Fred. They would only try to talk me out of it. I simply texted them that I would not be able to hang or talk to them for a few weeks and would tell them why after Christmas… After I convinced them that I wasn’t sick or anything, they were pretty cool about it. I still miss them, though.

I hand Julie the last of my (academic) tests for the day and stretch in what she would consider an un-girly manner. I grin at her look and go to the kitchen to get a drink while Bree finishes up. A few minutes later, Julie and Bree come in and we sit at the kitchen table for a bit to unwind.

Julie looks at us and smiles, as she says, “Well, girls. This has been fun–it took me back to my highschool days and made me remember some of the math things that I thought I would forget forever… After we finish our break, I have a couple more psych tests to give you…” Right then, Mommy comes in, surprising us all… She smiles and asks, “Finals over?” Bree and I grin and nod our heads. Julie says, “I have one more psych test for them, but since you are here, can we talk about some things before I give it?”

Mommy pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down with us, then says, “Of course. I have the rest of the day off and I think that is a really good idea to talk at this point. I would like to hear what your assessment is.” She smiles and takes a sip of coffee. Julie gets up and gets a bunch of the papers that Bree and I had done over the past few weeks.

“Well, as you girls know, this has not only been an academic adventure, it has been a chance for me to evaluate where I think you are as far as being girls… But let me ask you this, how do you feel now, after a few weeks as girls? Bree?” Bree bubbles out, “Oh, I feel wonderful! I can’t wait until I start turning into a real girl–you know, body-wise.” Julie looks at her seriously and asks, “So, how would it make you feel if I told you that the shots you have been getting are really female hormones and that, together with the pills to stop your male ones, you are already turning into that girl?”

My heart stops as Bree squeals out, “Oh, that would be wonderful! Is it true?” Julie turns to me without answering and asks, “Gwen, how about you?” I am pale and shaking. I do my best to hide it, but am not quite successful. I take a breath as I sit there in shock. I am turning into a girl…there are hormones in me that are making my boobs grow and…and…more… I am conflicted and decide to answer honestly, “I don’t know. I am not sure what I want, to be honest. This is a bit of shock…” Mommy looks at me and asks, “But Gwen, you said it is what you wanted with all your heart. What changed your mind? Your sister seems quite ecstatic about it.”

Bree is nodding her head so hard I think it is going to fall off. I look at Mom and say, “I did it for Bree. She wanted to be a girl so bad, but was so afraid to say anything. I thought if we went through the first part together, it would help her…” I feel tears start to run down my face, and I am not ashamed of them–that is one thing that being Gwen has taught me. I continue, “I thought that a few weeks of blockers would not hurt me…a slight delay in puberty would be no big deal. I was not counting on you giving us hormones, too…”

Mom comes over and hugs me. She holds me tight for a few minutes and then says, “Honey, the pills were real. They were blockers, because, like you said, there was no real harm in giving them for the short period I was willing to. The shots? Well, let’s just say that you are well caught up on vitamin B…”

I look at her confused. Bree looks a little crestfallen. Julie speaks up, “Girls, your Mom really knows what is best. She had to know if you were serious–that is why she pushed you so hard.” She looks straight at me with a serious look and says, “Gwen, the COAGTI test you took for your Mom? It was apparent that you were trying to influence it–just like the ones you took for me. They are designed to help pick up on those types of things, since the results are used to make permanent changes. Bree’s was obviously real and she is one hundred ten percent girl, it seems.” She smiles at Bree.

She looks back at me and sighs, as she says, “But, you on the other hand, are not quite so simple, are you? I am going to give you another test in a bit and I want you to answer it completely honestly this time, OK?” I nod as she continues, “You see, I think you really aren’t the slam-dunk case to diagnose like Bree…”

Mommy smiles at both of us and says to Bree, “Why don’t you take your sister upstairs and help her get her makeup straightened out. I need to talk to Julie for a minute…” Bree and I go upstairs and she has me sit at my vanity and starts cleaning up the mess on my face. As she works, she asks, “Gwen? Why am I doing this? Shouldn’t we be cleaning it off so George can come back out?”

I sniffle and say, “Well, first, there is nothing for ‘George’ to wear, other than girl’s stuff. Second, Mommy said to–and I assume there is a reason–maybe she isn’t going to let me go back as some sort of punishment for lying. Third, I am not really sure I want to…” Bree gasps and asks with a huge grin, “You mean you may stay my sister?” I wanly smile and say, “I don’t know, Bree. I just don’t know…”

I hand Julie the finished psych test. I had answered completely honestly this time. It felt good to not try and game the test and am I really interested in knowing the results. Julie takes it and goes into the next room to score it, along with Bree’s last one.

Mommy looks at us and says, “I am sorry girls, for putting you through the wringer these past weeks. But, I had a feeling that one of you was not telling the whole truth and it is really hard to pull that out with conventional therapy. This was the surest way at getting at the truth, since nothing would have prevented you from just lying to the therapist as you did on the test. While we are really good at picking up on those things, proving them is another matter.”

She sighs and continues, “You don’t really know, I guess, that my clinic specializes in gender issues, among other things, so, while as a mother, what I did was a little rough; as someone trying to help one, or two, children with deep-seated issues, it seemed the best course. I have suspected that Bree had some issues for a while, but decided to wait until the first signs of puberty getting ready to hit before I pushed it. I thought maybe she would come forward on her own, but was almost ready to start asking her some hard questions. When Gwen came forward, too, I was a bit surprised, but had to know for sure… You are twins, after all.”

At that moment, Julie comes back in and says, “It is like I thought, Bree is solidly on the girl side. Every test she has taken confirms it without any conflict. While we have to throw out the other tests on Gwen’s side, this last one shows strong female tendencies–enough that most therapists would consider them significant enough to allow transitioning if that is what she wants. On the other hand, they are not conclusive like Bree’s.”

She smiles at the confused look on my face and says, “Gwen, what that means is that you are stuck somewhere in the middle and really have to make a choice as to where you want to go. The choice has been made for Bree, so it is easier for her.” Mommy hugs me and says, “It is OK, Honey, we will figure it out together. Julie, you said there were some other things besides the official tests to consider?”

Julie smiles and says, “Yes, at times I killed two birds with one stone during our lessons. I deliberately made some of the essays and papers thought-provoking and reading them has given me some insight into these two, aside from just spending time with them. You may or may not agree with my assessment, as their mother…and as a licensed psychiatrist, though.”

She hands the papers to Mommy and continues, “Bree has consistently shown female thought patterns…and a deep-seated love for her sibling. She also is extremely devoted to Gwen/George, but is much more introverted and in many ways dependent on her/him to express her feelings. This experience has taught her a lot and she is doing really well at coming out of her shell; thanks to the selfless act of jump-starting her transition.” Bree squeezes my hand to acknowledge the truth in this.

Julie looks at me and continues, “Gwen, on the other hand, showed in her papers that she is more the ‘go-get-it’ personality. She is much more extroverted and a little head-strong in her pursuits. So much so, that she may not fully consider the consequences, even if she thinks she has researched them. However, it fully came across in the papers that there are many things that she appreciates about being a girl over her life as George. If I were to hazard a guess, they may even outweigh the ‘guy’ things a tad.”

I sigh–I am so confused. Everyone is looking at me in an expectant way. I sigh again and say, “It is true, Julie. Mom, I am sorry that I lied to you. I really thought it the best way to help Bree. If I had just come clean and told you, she would have hated me for a while–and denied it; but, now I know that you would have handled it. Being Gwen has taught me a lot. And there are a lot of things that I like about being Gwen. But I am not sure that I am Gwen. I am also not sure that I am George, either though… Does that make sense to you? It sure doesn’t to me!”

Continued in Part 5.