Changing Sam – Dealing with Change. by Angharad Copyright© 2013 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

(Photo courtesy of wikipedia)

As recognition dawned Ben stood back and realised he’d sworn, not something he did in front of women, having been brought up properly, perhaps a little old fashioned, but Helen loved him for it. Helen took the initiative, “Samantha, why don’t you put your flowers in some water, and then we’ll have dinner.” Ben was about to say something but she hushed him, “We’ll talk after dinner, our daughter has done it beautifully for you as she knows it’s your favourite.”

Ben’s head felt close to exploding, he had so many questions and had to wait until after dinner. How was he supposed to eat while his son, who looked a real babe, strutted about in a dress and makeup? He walked to the drinks cabinet and poured himself a brandy, and sank it at a gulp. “That’s not going to help, darling, we have to keep clear heads to discuss Samantha’s future.”

“Samantha?” he squeaked hoarsely as a consequence of the brandy.

“Yes, that’s her preferred name.”

“Right,” he said nodding wishing he had another brandy to swallow.

Sam finished arranging her flowers and her mother told her to take them up to her bedroom as it would be cooler and they’d last longer. She got upstairs placed them on her bedside cupboard and sat on the bed, her heart beating like she’d run a marathon. She wiped her hands on a tissue, checked her makeup and gave herself a small squirt of perfume into her cleavage, which showed just a fraction in the dress. “If he kills me at least I’ll smell nice for the undertaker,” she said to herself trying not to be sick or burst into tears. Then she said, “Whatever happens, Samantha exists, they can’t take her away from me because I am Samantha and always will be.” She took a deep breath and descended the stairs.

“Ah there you are, sweetheart, Daddy’s carving the meat perhaps you could help me bring in the vegetables.”

“Yes, Mummy,” she said without batting an eyelid, she’d been addressing her as such since last night when they’d watched the film together. She followed Helen out to the kitchen and Ben remarked how nice the food looked. He handed a plate of meat to Samantha and she thanked him as she took it through to the dining table.

When all the food had been set on the table, Ben poured a glass of red wine for Helen and then one for himself. He was tempted to offer Sam some, after all this must be nerve racking for her, but Helen supplied some grape juice for the child instead.

Helen held out her hands to Ben and to Sam and they each took one then joined hands themselves. “Let’s enjoy this lovely meal and then afterwards, we’ll talk in constructive terms as to where we go from here.” The other two nodded and although the food was delicious, none of them had their usual appetite, leaving quite a bit of the main course and not starting the dessert.

Helen insisted that they clear the table and have a coffee before talking. Ben was feeling irritated by her demands wanting to get to the main course, their child and his or her future. In what was only minutes, as mother and daughter worked together while Ben sat and pondered, it seemed like hours later that a pot of coffee had appeared along with cups and cream.

“Up until lunchtime on Saturday I didn’t know I had a daughter,” began Helen. “It was quite a shock for both of us when I arrived home early and found the house empty, then a little later Samantha walked in, having been to the hairdresser’s as we’d asked her. I’d never seen my child as a girl before and once I dealt with the shock, I realised I as her mother had all this happening under my nose without noticing it.

“I accept I’m probably partly to blame for not noticing being too wound up in my own life to pay full attention to Samantha’s. I’d like to apologise to her for not being there for her when she obviously had some major issues to deal with by herself. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

A tear ran down Helen’s face and Sam was sniffing back her own.

“Is there anything you want to say, Samantha?” asked her mum. The girl shook her head, too choked to speak. They both looked at Ben. He reached out and squeezed both their hands.

“I’m astonished, I really am,” Ben began, “I’ve got a million questions I want to ask but at this moment only one seems important. “Do you feel happier as a girl, Sam—antha?”

Sam couldn’t speak, the frog in her throat swelled to the size of a cane toad and she blushed like a stop light. The best she could do was to nod in answer to his question.

“I have another question, which I’d like you to answer if you can, but I’ll understand if you can’t or don’t want to, if that’s all right?”

Sam nodded.

“Do you want to be a girl, I mean all the time?” He surprised Helen with his constraint. She knew he’d never do anything to hurt their child but, his consideration was something more than she’d hoped for. She squeezed his hand as he looked at their child who was shrugging and nodding at his question, and whose face was dripping with tears.

He waited while his two girls—that was a novelty—dabbed at their eyes and blew their noses. He sipped his coffee and once the two women were calmer, he asked, “What do we do next?”

“I think we need some professional advice,” offered Helen.

Ben agreed.

“One of my clients is a child psychiatrist, I think I’ll ask her if we can see her for guidance on what we do next.”

“Okay, I want to come as well. You okay with that, girl?” he asked his new daughter, deliberately trying to give her some impression of acceptance while he dealt with his emotions and surprise quietly by himself.

“Yes, Daddy.”

“What about school?” he asked.

“It’s half term next week,” advised Helen.

“Oh well, that gives a bit of time to decide what to do, doesn’t it?”

They talked about little things, Ben just noticed Sam’s pierced ears and smiled shaking his head. He knew this one wasn’t going back in the box, things were going to change whatever happened to Sam. He too apologised for not noticing the changes and for not being there for her.

At the end of discussion, it was agreed that Samantha could stay for the moment though until they had guidance on what to do next, she might have to revert to a boy for the purposes of school. She gave her understanding of the position.

Whether it was the coffee or the adrenalin but none of the three could sleep much that night. The two parents lay in their bed talking quietly while Sam lay in her bed in one of her new nightdresses alternately crying with joy and feeling sick with worry. All she had wished for in the past year or more looked as if it could be about to become possible. She prayed that it might be so and gave thanks for having the two best parents in the world.

She couldn’t believe how different it all was to how she imagined it would go and then to kiss her daddy goodnight, she hadn’t done that since she was about five—but they both needed it. She pecked him on the cheek and he pulled her close to him and said quietly that he loved her and they’d sort it between them. She thanked him and kissed him again.

Then she repeated the exercise with her mother, pecking her on the cheek and getting a kiss in return. Her mum had been awesome since it all happened just a day before. Fancy, you come in dressed as a girl and instead of bawling you out, she takes you shopping for clothes—absolutely brill.

The realist in her wanted to see if this euphoria would last or would there be a backlash once her parents took off the rose coloured spectacles. It was going so well there had to be some negatives. One big one could be the school—what was she going to do there? Plus, what would this shrink woman that her mum knew have to say—especially when she found out she’d been taking hormones?

As she couldn’t sleep, she booted up her computer and went to a chat room where she spoke to several other trans teens and they all thought her parents were fantastic, one asked if she could come to live with them. At one o’clock she gave up and went to bed finally sleeping in the hope that tomorrow was a new day and she’d still have the two best parents in the world; she asked for patience so she could do things as quickly as was feasible but not to get upset if they didn’t go fast enough for her. Her mum had expressed that idea during their discussion, and also to be tolerant of them, as they would do all they could to help but that they had to cope with losing a son as well as gaining a daughter and all the emotions that entailed.

No one said it would be easy, but at least now she knew it was possible, and for now that was good enough.