Struggles

Brotherly Love

“Heard you took Lydia to the movies.” Gary said as he came into Rich’s room without knocking. “Hope you got a feel.” He added crassly. Lydia was the first ‘date’ Rich ever had but it was hardly romantic. Instead, they talked easily, Rich just happy to be close to a girl and hear all about her life. For her part Lydia felt at ease with the sweet boy but was almost disappointed that he didn’t seem interested in kissing or more.

It was in the middle of summer and fourteen year old Rich had been trying to avoid his brother. Rich wanted to avoid all the craziness and to do that meant he had to stay away from Gary. For the last two years it was one stupid crazy thing after another when he was with Gary. In addition to the sex with Norma and Phillip there was the bloody fight with Mike in front of the Elks club, and the time Gary took out all the shot from a 12 gage shell, loaded the shotgun he had cut off, aimed it at an unsuspecting Fred Blair (a boy his age he hated) and pulled the trigger. Fred thought he had been shot dead when the wadding hit him in the chest. And there was the drinking and driving; fast driving. Gary like to take risks and seeing if the Buick would do 120 mph with Rich in the passenger seat late one night was something Gary bragged about.

Rich didn’t want Gary in his room and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk about taking Lydia to the movies. It wasn’t a date and nothing happened. They didn’t kiss but they did hold hands. Why did everything between a boy and a girl have to be sexual with Gary? The girls Rich knew weren’t like that; Rich wasn’t like that. He hated how Gary and his friends always reduced every encounter with a girl to sex.
Rich thought it was a little strange for Gary to be in his room. Gary mostly ignored Rich except when he wanted something, usually a loan that rarely was repaid. Rich knew something was up when Gary closed the door. Rich grew up with Gary being the older and dominate brother. Gary had the ideas, Rich followed directions. As little boys playing in the yard or in the garage, Gary would choose the game, or decide what to build. Rich would agree and be the helper. When they were older, Gary sometimes bullied Rich and occasionally physically took his anger and frustrations out on him. Other times Gary was gentle and sweet to his younger sibling, teaching and protecting. Gary took on two boys who roughed Rich up and called him a girl. But Rich didn’t have a good feeling about what Gary wanted this time.

“I’ll take that as you didn’t get any. That’s tough. Girls are so damned pissy. They play so hard to get, don’t they.” Gary began.

“Guess so.” Rich said trying to limit the discussion.

“They’re afraid to lose their cherry, afraid they’re gonna get knocked up.”

“I donno Gary.” Rich felt he had to answer. “Maybe they just want some romance. Does everything have to be about getting laid?” Rich boldly stated trying to use Gary’s language.

“Damn straight. That romance shit is something invented by Hallmark.” Gary countered. “I don’t give a fuck about romance and I have no intention playing that game.”

Rich just looked at his brother. He could see the determined confidence Gary usually had but he also saw an anger. Rich wanted to end the conversation; wanted to tell Gary to leave but he could never do that. Gary was in control, as usual. Rich waited for Gary to say something. He did.

“Remember that night with Phillip Drexel?” Gary asked to Rich’s horror. In the instant Rich took to consider how to respond he re-lived that awful night almost exactly a year ago. He remembered the pain and he remembered crying himself to sleep.

Rich again didn’t answer but shook his head that he did remember.

“That was one damned good blow job, wasn’t it?” Gary noted. Rich felt like he was going to be sick but sat frozen on his bed. Gary sat down next to him and continued, now with a softer tone.

“You liked it, didn’t you Rich. I know you were pretty young but shit, what a way to lose your cherry.” Gary tried to be convincing. “Trust me, it’s much better than having to fuck some whore.” He added with authority.

Rich considered just telling Gary where to get off; ask him how he would know anything about sex with a real girl if all he’s ever had were blow jobs and sex with Norma. But Rich knew better than to piss off his brother at a time like this.

“It was ok.” Rich managed.

“Ok? God Rich, you just don’t know. You’ll learn. There is simply nothing like a blow job.” Gary advised. “And I can prove it to you.”

Prove it. What could that mean? Rich didn’t want Gary to prove anything.

“Rich.” Gary continued. “We’re close, right. And you trust me. I’ve always watched out for you. I’ll make you a deal.”

Rich stared at Gary and could tell how serious and determined he was. Rich let his gaze shift and he thought about how he always seemed to be compromised, how being Gary’s little brother seemed to put him into situations he hated.

“What?” Rich whispered.

“We agree blow jobs are pretty sweet. I’ll suck you off if you’ll do me.”

There it was. He said it as if it made sense. It sounded as if Gary was just being pragmatic; blow jobs are wonderful, Phillip isn’t here now, we can do each other. Somehow Rich was not surprised that this is where Gary was going but he wasn’t ready for it. He didn’t have an answer, not the one he wanted to give. Of course he wanted to say ‘no’ in the strongest way. He wanted to stand up to his older brother and tell him that was sick. He couldn’t, he was frozen in fear, caught between having to do something awful, something wrong and yes, he knew, something sinful, or not doing it and suffering the consequences. Gary certainly wouldn’t try this with Brenda, with a sister. Rich had a choice to make that if he were Vickie, Gary’s younger sister, instead of his brother, he would not have to make. It was a choice between evil on the one hand or suffering the physical beating and emotional abuse that would surely result if he said no, on the other.

Rich Bromely, the 14 year old was literally speechless, and powerless. He said nothing. Gary reached over and unbuttoned Rich’s pants and unzipped his fly.

“Look Rich. It’ll be fun. You’ll like it. I’ll go first, o.k., if it’ll make you feel better.” Gary said almost angelically.

Rich again said nothing but shook his head that he agreed. At that point he felt he had no choice. He would do it. One time but he would never let Gary into his room, or pants, again and he would stay as far away from him as he could.

Rich felt Gary pull his pants and briefs off and push him back onto his bed. He closed his eyes and cried, not openly or with tears, but silently. He felt his brother take his penis in his mouth, felt him run his tongue around it. Something told Rich that his brother, the strong macho boy who liked to fight and drive fast and brag about everything, had done this before, many times.

Rich tried to think about other things, pleasant things. He thought about the dress he now had hanging in the back of his closet. He didn’t want to come, didn’t want to give Gary the satisfaction. He wished he could just go limp, not be able to keep it up. What was the term he heard? ‘Impotent’, yes if only he could be impotent. He thought about how girls didn’t have that problem but knew that sometimes that didn’t protect them from a stronger, more determined man.

Rich did come and he knew that meant he would have to now do to his brother what Gary and done to him. Gary sat up and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief.

“I could tell you liked it. Told you it could be fun.” Gary declared. He stood up and undid his pants and pulled them off with his briefs. He then laid down next to Rich and took Rich’s hand, placing it on his erect penis.

“Ok brother. Let’s see you match it.” Making it sound like a contest. Rich had never touched anyone else’s private parts before, if Rachel, Norma’s 14 year old sister didn’t count. Rich stared down at Gary’s fully erect penis. He was relieved that it wasn’t very big, barely the size of Rich. He briefly considered asking Gary if he could renegotiate the deal; ask him to hold off while Rich retrieved his bra and panties as well as the dress and put them on. Wouldn’t that make it easier? It would still be wrong but at least Rich would feel more right.

Rich couldn’t reveal his secret to his older dominating brother. It would give him too much leverage. He had to do this quickly and never let it happen again. Rich could probably do this, he first thought. It would be over quickly, was his second. His third thought was panic. There Rich was, holding his brother’s erect penis just inches from his mouth. All he had to do was lean down and do it. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t put a penis in his mouth, not Gary’s, not anyone’s.
“I can’t Gary. I’m sorry.” He cried jumping up and running out of the room and into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him. A few seconds later he heard Gary in the hall outside the bathroom.

“You fucking chicken shit.” Gary called through the door. “You’ll pay for this, you fucking weasel.”

“At least I’m not a cocksucker.” Rich mouthed so Gary could not hear.

To Rich’s surprise there were no repercussions, at least no immediate physical ones. The relationship from then on, for years really, was different. There would always be a barrier between Gary and Rich. Like the other things that Rich endured with his brother, the incest that day was completely repressed, buried like locust larvae for years or decades, forgotten as just another harmless thing that happens between brothers.