Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 3

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Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 3

*Before…

I…I don’t know what’s wrong but it’s wrong and I know she’s trying her best but I end up crying through the whole thing and even when she’s done I’m still crying and I roll over to my side as best I can and cry into the pillow.

I think she was rubbing my back at one point and trying to comfort me and she was replaced by Mom and there is something that is like maybe visceral there?

I know Mom’s touch, just from the way she was with me before I know the difference and I cry all the harder once it’s her.

*And Now…

I guess the good thing about exhaustion and being in recovery is that sleep or closer to unconsciousness comes early.

I don’t even understand why I had such a reaction and as I slowly wake up I just sort of lay there not even opening my eyes. Just sort of lay there and try to figure out why?

Why did I just freak out, what the heck happened with the nurse and the whole thing and I’m drawing a total blank…because right now what else is new right?

I open my eyes and I look around and I can see that mom is gone and it’s late and I cough a little and I roll over and breathe and just sort of stare at things in the semi dark and after a few long moments I sit up and I look around until I can find the pull cord for the lamp over my bed on the wall and I turn the light on and I can see a few things that weren’t there before like a couple of magazines and a tablet and a note from dad.

~Had the TV hooked up and there’s some of the stuff you read I got from that hobby store you go to and they had some of the stuff you collect held for you. I got your tablet as well….Love Dad. ~

Okay…well that’s a start I guess I can sort of look through things and see what I like or used to like and stuff maybe and it might jog some of my memories and stuff.

But first I need to use the bathroom.

I’m not hooked to anything that doesn’t look portable and I take the beeping swhush-tic-tic-tic machine on the pole with me and I make my way to the bathroom and I sit and have a pee.

I’m pulling the tissue paper off the roll when it kind of hits that I sat instead of stood. I mean I can stand; I walked here from the bed so…

It’s getting the gears going and then some as I roll off some paper and I fold it twice and stand and wipe.

I look down and it’s there, what’s supposed to be there for a guy named Shawn but at the same time it’s.

It’s wrong.

And I don’t really get why it’s wrong it just is…it’s not freaking me out like the catheter removal but it’s still.

And it doesn’t look broken, or like bent or like technically wrong I guess it’s just that it feels wrong and it does so in these really deep frigging way.

What thet hell am I?”

What the hell is going on with me?

I close my eyes and pull my underwear up and I try and put it out of my mind and I go and wash my hands.

One I look like hell in the mirror and at the same time I sort of look good? No…there’s a lot wrong with this and yet at the same time I think I’m good with how skinny I am?

Skinny’s good right?

I turn a few times back and forth and there’s something still off about the whole thing. Some things are sort of right there? Like my hair it’s too short and I think that’s like body memory or something from like before and was sort of there when Mom was running her fingers through my hair.

The rest if sort of these little things that just seem like not quite there for some reason and the biggest though.

I don’t recognize myself.

I’m not sure if other people go through that in like the normal ways and stuff but it’s really unsettling to like not recognize myself.

There’s this stranger looking back.

Only it’s actually me.

Only it’s really not me.

Okay…I’m getting out of the bathroom before I start getting freaked out and I take my pole with the thing with me and I walk out into my room and one of the nurses is coming in and she’s smiling at me.

“Sorry…I had to use the bathroom and I wasn’t sure if I should have rung the bell or not.”

She nods and comes over and she gives me a hand back to the bed. “No not a problem but if you feel you need the help then use the button. I just was doing rounds and saw the light on.”

“I can’t sleep because I slept a bit too much y’know and Dad left some stuff here so I thought I’d look for clues about myself and stuff.”

“Oh well that sounds like a good idea and since you’re up can I get you anything to eat?”

“My doctor said I can’t have like solids yet since I’ve been off then but god yes I’m starving.”

“How about some yogurt and some applesauce and then maybe a cup of tea and some pudding?”

“Oh wow that really sounds like heaven except the tea part I’m not sure that I like tea or not so…I mean I’ll like try it though.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back Shawn.” She plugs my machine back in and heads out.

She heads out and I look over the things that dad brought and at the same time flick the TV on with the remote just for some background noise.

Okay it turns out that I like tea or this orange pekoe tea with milk in it and that was really good, needed even so I’m thinking that I’m a tea drinker. The applesauce was perfect and it had a dollop of that thick Greek yogurt on it and the pudding was chocolate which was again perfect.

I’m not sure if I was just starved or I’m not really all that fussy of an eater.

The rest of the stuff it kind of surprising and fascinating. The books and stuff are mostly comics and graphic novels and I wasn’t sure if I was a geek or what but there’s stuff there in the pile like Fables, and Ms. Marvel and Captain Marvel from the marvel universe and there’s some other ones including wolverine and Savage Wolverine and a bunch of other X-titles and some of the graphic novels are what looks like a whole collection of something called Arana and Runaways.

“Okay that’s a lot of money and either we’re not broke to afford all of these or the parents are buying me guilt presents.”

I’m kind on not sure what to think of that in either event. But the tablet looks pretty decent and new so part of me is thinking that we might be not too badly off.

And then there’s the tablet and it’s pretty easy to use and that sort of leads me to think that Dad’s not too much of a tech guy and stuff. I mean it didn’t even have a password and thankfully all of my stuff is sent to remember the passwords for all of my e-mails and Facebook and things.

It’s very odd like looking at a stranger’s things as I go through my e-mails and stuff it’s strange to see the things that I like and stuff by they sort of stir up memories and some of them feel wrong too actually.

I guess’s it’s close to dawn when I find the account on Live Journal.

Nightsong Whispers…that’s the name of the page.

And there were those e-mailed notifications and stuff to it and it took like an hour to actually back door or figure out how to back doors my way into it through going to a page of someone named Pyrokitty who messaged me and then using my link to my account off of her page to get into my page there.

And it was right there…in my Live Journal all this stuff and all of these posts that are by me and they’re talking about the stuff that I’m feeling right now.

Dysphoria.

Body image.

Puberty and hating it.

Being transgender.

And there’s people that are there like me on my friends list and that are trans too and stuff and they call me Whisper or Wisp or Song but several of them…

They call me Sarah.

And even reading it, reading it with that inner voice inside…you know the one that goes on while you’re reading something and there’s that inside narrative thing?

It doesn’t feel wrong.

It doesn’t feel like Shawn.

And there’s tears starting to run down my face.

I think I’m really Sarah.

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Comments

Tough thing

about head injuries is that sometimes there are personality changes. Loved ones simply want the one they remembered back, but the changes creates a lot of problems. After my Mom's bad accident, she experienced some drastic changes, even her accent changed and her speech became more formal.

For someone who has gender problems this could be even more profound.

Hugs

Grover

"I think I’m really Sarah."

I guess its good to know who you really are. But the next step isn't going to be easy - telling her folks ...

DogSig.png

I wonder

If Sarah's folks know about her and are in denial. They might be seeing Shawn's accident as a way to keep their son. If that is the case, I'm afraid of the confrontation and emotions that would come from that.

Bailey - I like your point that it doesn't matter if you know you who you are or not, you still have a basic feel for who you should be.

It should definitely be about that deepest Who.

It's not the case though for way too many people though out in the real world. Who knows the reaction that her parents will have.

*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Memories

Can be on the surface, instinct goes to the core of any being, human, or creature.
I love how you are naturally having Sarah find the bread crumb trail back to who they really are.

Your misbehaving faerie
Huggles

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

celtgirl_0.gif

Recognition

Leigh Veritas's picture

This is a very good story, I'm already connected to Sarah. I didn't realize it till I just finished this chapter. I look forward to watching her find herself. An amazing story. =)

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.
Mark Twain.

Leigh Veritas

We have important new clues here *IF* they are to be believed

Unless the files and emails in the tablet are not what our protagonist is telling us he IS TG and likely IS Susan in their soul.

Remember these are pre and post accident files/emails.

Unless he was pretending to be TG online for some reason I assume they are what they appear to be.

And why would he created a total hoax online and in his private journal/diary?

*Susan* fits what we know so far. She makes all the clues about the body feeling wrong, hair, his penis being part of him but still feeling wrong somehow *work*.

The short hair feeling wrong was somewhat confirmed by the mom saying it was cut because of the surgeries.

But if so after a six month long coma wouldn't his hair be somewhat long if not repeatedly cut?

This makes me wonder was he already in transition to Susan and feels wrong because they stopped his transition drugs to ease the stress on his injured body, especially the liver? Or darker, because the parents feared he would die so they wanted him to die a male?

The long coma plus being would make one quite uncomfortable with their body in any case.

But as Grover said brain injuries can cause great changes in personality, speech and well everything. Plus we still don't know much about the child pre crash. Was or wasn't he in transition then?

The files might have been about say a transitioning brother, his twin who died in the crash. IE the child wanted to understand his brother and all the emails and such are really about the brother. But the journal/diary in combination with all the rest seems solid proof HE is Susan.

We are still missing a lot of background here. Still missing most of the WHYS behind the various important characters.

What will be revealed next?

Next post. Next Bat Time!

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

No...Nothing like those things are going on with Sarah.

There's a lot of points though that I could use in some other stories and there's a good deal you could write about "Respect after Death" which is a pretty big trans issue.

Great comments though.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

some connection

at last. quite a ways to go though. I just started a new job an had to shave any beard traces off for the first time in ten years. yeah the mirror image looks odd.
good one, thanks

It seems that the parents were hoping for a boy

The parents seem to be hoping to have Shawn back, except they already know--at least in part--about Sarah. Whether she has come full out with them, they knew something was different before the accident. They were hoping it would all just disappear.

SuZie

Am I writing the same story as others are reading?

It's been sort of part of a theme going on with the comments? I'm not sure where the parents come across as knowing about or even being anti-Sarah? It's sort of like John's comments I'm not sure where he's got the conspiracy idea either.

No...and I hate spoilers but this is not where the story is coming from or going.

*Hugs*

Bailey Summers

The parents may simply be clueless

I believe that some of us thought the parents had an inkling of her GID. With their talk of 'him' taking after his father and total lack of any reference to Sarah, we thought that the parents were hoping for a reversion to some mythical pre-disphoria state.

SuZie