Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 8

*Before…

No…honey not at all there’s nothing wrong at all about being trans.”
(Sniffle-whine.) “There’s not?”
“No, not at all…you’re a girl. It’s just a pronoun, it’s just one little thing about you.”
(Sniffle.) “But I’m…I’m like…”
She is wiping at my face with a tissue now and that helps and I see this soft concerned but actually caring and maybe even happy? How? How can she be happy about this?
Here hand strokes my face and she kisses my cheek. “You’re alive Sarah. You’re still alive.”
And I start crying all of over again and it feels like this deep aching dam of stuff inside that I couldn’t really articulate like right just kind of breaks in me and lets go with this flood.
………….right now, right friggin now I’m Sarah and i…I really have a Mom.

*And Now…

I’m crying for a while and it’s like there’s all this toxic stuff running out of my heart and as I’m getting more and more tired as my drugs are kicking in and the adrenaline’s wearing off and Mom’s still holding me in this really safe, secure and feeling loved and five kind of way.

Sometimes when someone that cares rewinds your clock and takes care of you is kinda awesome.

Not in the sex thing way, just in the deep caring way.

I even left her pull me onto her lap as I cling to her like a tired sleepy kitten.

It sort of makes me smile a little since there’s all these anime girls on some of the pages of my LJ friends and there’s this kind of connection to all of that that I can sort of see and feel.

It’s a little nap later when I wake up and my hands are all fixed up with some Band-Aids and mom’s on her phone doing the thumb tap and scroll thing like a pro and I blink and gently rubbing at my eyes and I look at her.

“Hey…”

“Hey Sarah, how are you feeling?”

“Better, got a bit of a headache and I need a drink.” I work my mouth trying to get some moisture going and mom presses my call button for the nurse.

I sit up and she passes me her cup of half melted ice water. “Your dad’s coming you want me to see if he can pick you up a tea along with mine?”

I swallow and choke a little. “Y..yes please…Mom?”

“Hmm Sarah?”

“Does he know?”

“Yeah I told him everything while you were out.”

“And is he okay with it?”

“Yes honey he knows the same person that I went to college with.”

“Oh, so he’s?”

“He’s still your dad, and he’s still going to love you regardless honey.”

“He will? But I’m not and he’s…”

“Yes honey he will, he’s a good guy Sarah.”

She’s texting him I think and I sip the rest of the water. “I’m just scared, you know like fathers and sons and all of that stuff…I have friends on my Live Journal that I’ve seen posting about like all this shi…all this horrible stuff that they’ve got to deal with because their family are…well they’re like horrible people.”

Mom leans over and she hugs me and kisses my cheek. “That’s true, my friend in high school she never made it…between her family and the people around home it was too much and she got into the wrong crowd and ended up self-medicating and not pulling out of it.”

Self-medicating?

I look at her. “Drugs”

She nods. “Erica partied to dull the pain and she got into sex work all with that wrong crowd and none of it helped her it just dulled her pain and after that it’d still be there and eventually she just got tired of being dragged down by her dysphoria.”

Dysphoria…she knows the words at least, it actually sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.

“Your friend you two were close?’

“No, yes…when she came out in high school everyone was on her case and I was really just trying to stay out of everyone’s way and there were times I should have stood up for her and I didn’t and then she moved away until senior year when she had this thing with her folks and came home for grade eleven and she was really changed and we started to sort of become friends when we had a summer job together.”

“Did you know it was her?”

“Home was a big but it wasn’t that big we had lots of complaints about her working there even before she was hired.”

I hug myself. “………………….Mom….how am I going to do this then…people will freak out.”

“Sarah…we’ll be with you and we’ll have your back and it’s a long time since the nineties and we’re a long, long way off from where I grew up.”

I look at her and bite my lip. “Was it that bad there?”

I hear Dad. “The mullet and ripped sleeve t-shirts are still cutting edge life choices for people there still.”

I jump and squeak and he sets down a Timmies tray and leans in and he pecks my cheek….

My Dad just kissed me.

Like I’m his.

“Dad…” (Whine-sniffle-voice.)

He looks me right in the eyes and I see the same light there that’s in Mom’s that he cares, that he loves me and he’s.

He steps right into the bed as close as he can and he pulls me into a Dad hug…That strong arms wrapping around in this strong but silent promise of I’ll protect you…I love you.

“Like you’re mom’s likely said already honey it’s okay.”

“But Shawn was…”

“Shawn was a good kid while he was staying with us; he did a great job of taking care of my daughter…”

…oh…oh dad…oh ow… (Sniffle-sob.)

“But don’t you…I mean…”

He tightens his hold on me. “I know…my ego’s not that big kiddo, I’m your father. I am duty bound to love you and make your world a better place.”

(Sniffle…cough.) “You stole that from somewhere didn’t you?”

“Maybe…it’s still important and it’s still true.”

“You mean it.”

He let’s go of me and does that lean back to look at you…me thing and he reaches down and he takes me hand and he lifts it up and he does this motion over his heart. “Cross my heart promise kiddo.”

I’m crying again. “Dad…” (Sniffle…) “Oh… (Sniffle.)…god…Dad… (Sniffle.)”

He resumes that whole big strong Dad level hugs and he lets me cry some more and I go until I see the nurse come in with a little paper cup with two tablets in it.

I pull away and wipe at my eyes and smile at her and take the two pills…just ibuprofen for the ow’s and stuff she looks at me. “Are you okay?”

(Sniffle-nod.) “Yeah…just coming out with my folks…and them being really, really cool.”

I look at them and Mom’s hugging Dad with that slow embrace that lovers give, that women give to good husbands and good fathers…happy, loving…and he’s returning the favor and I smile and take a big deep breath.

The nurse and I both sigh…

I look at her. “You’re not…not freaked out?”

“Should I be?”

“I…I just keep sort of expecting.”

She shakes her head. “Maybe like five years ago we had some really old school RN’s here but they’re all retired or headed out from here.”

“Really old school?”

She makes a face. “Like all the old sexist stuff about guys and girls and gays and lesbians and the kind of ones that used to watch native and black patients like they were going to steal things.”

Okay my jaw sort of drops. “Nurses…?”

She nods. “Oh yeah, even nurses can be jackasses.”

“Well you’re pretty cool.”

“Naturally!” She does this faux preening thing and vogues a little and I smile and she gives me a real gentle hug. “I’ll be around until eight if you still want to talk or something kiddo I need to go and do some more rounds.”

I nod “Okay thanks….Mary.”

She leaves and I look at Dad and Mom who are breaking their kissing and Dad takes a Tim’s cup from the holder and passes it to me and one to Mom and I take a sip of good brewed tea with a little milk and I let out this sigh that I didn’t know was coming and smile a little. “Oh…I think I needed that.”

He passes Mom’s hers and she does the exact almost same thing as I did and he picks up some bags from the floor that he brought in from Sears and Walmart and sets them on the bed.

“Your Mom and I agree that until you get home and can go through your things that I’d best make a pit stop for a few things for you so here you go. Now your Mom picked the sizes and hell she picked out most of this and sent me pics of what to get on the phone so if it doesn’t fit blame her. And the rest is stuff that I picked out.”

Oh…oh wow I look in the bags and it’s clothes and things and I can see packages of underwear and stuff and I look and look and look then I look at him and I look at her and I bite my lip.

“I…I don’t know if I’ve ever dressed like this before...”