Can Dreams Come True?...Part 10

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Can Dreams Come True?...Part 10

*Before…

“Josie, you want to go out?”
“Huh?” Blink, blink… “Like…?”
“Out, out of here, go for a drive, see some things…go on a date.”
“A date…with me?”
“Yes please.”
Oh…that, that yes please…Never, no one has ever…it.
Just two words said with real earnest just…I had no idea that two words could actually feel that good…

*And Now...

“Okay…uhm how should I dress?”

“However you want.”

“Ryan…” I say it frustrated.

“Josie, I’m asking you out, so how about part of all of that is you dressing and looking the way that you want to….the way that you really want to, whatever that is.”

“I…that’s so not…”

He nods. “Well maybe us being very not is a good thing?”

I nod. “Give me some time?”

He walks over and kisses my cheek. “I’ll get ready too, I need to dry off and clean the car.”

“Uhm…now?”

He smile blushes. “If that’s okay, I’ve been kind of thinking about this a lot lately.”

“You have?”

“Yeah…Josie, you’re worth thinking about.”

I…

I finish my tea and I set the cup down and I kiss him on the cheek.

“I’ll go get ready then.”

I head to my place still sort of shaky on the inside but a good shaky.

I’m going out.

I’m going out someplace and that’s both thrilling and terrifying.

I don’t get out much, I stay home. One for fear of just how well I pass or don’t and there just seems to be a huge difference between going out someplace socially and going to work.

Work I wear a uniform, it covers, we look pretty much the same and I frankly get lost in the sea of boxes and the other uniforms.

Depressed people get really good at hiding.

It’s so much less scary even though it hurts like hell.

Yeah…even depressed introverts like myself want to get out, it’s not like we don’t know what’s going on with us inside.

We do, oh shit we really do but we just really don’t have the tools to get out there and stay out there.

I’m suddenly between laughing and crying because of the whole stereotype irony-esque realization that hits me.

“I have nothing to wear.”

And that’s kind of sort of true too.

Just about most of my clothes fall into three categories. Work…the bulk of my stuff really because well I work and then I’m home…and that’s category two, my home clothes.

There’s things that a girl, that a woman will wear solely in the privacy of her own home…and trans women are sometimes the worst of the worst in things like that because we have things that we never had the chance or the nerve to wear outside our homes.

And then there’s my stuff for actually going out in and that’s my clothes that lead one to sort of know I’m a woman but not really stuff that says more than that.

In short I was never in the headspace that going out on a date was even possible or affordable so I never really bought date clothes.

Hence I have nothing to wear.

“Dammit Josie you have to wear something.”

And that just left me with the bad joke that’s me naked in my head.

Yeah like I need to focus on that kind of thing really.

I open my drawers and I open my closet and it’s that horrible stereotype of me looking through the things that I have trying to find things that look okay and getting a sort of stomach ache over the small but ever growing pile of things that no longer fit me.

And the fact that a lot of my stuff if just…weird and ugly.

I find some things and I go and I take a shower even though I had the breakdown cold shower with Ryan and everything I’m nervous and nervous means sweat and sweat means me in the shower and then using towels and my hair-drier to literally dry myself off so I’m not damp and then it’s close my eyes and plug my nose and do a spray down of Secret spray on deodorant.

I like the scent once it’s on but spraying it is just kind of semi eew.

Okay…I have panties and then some black leggings and I’m really, really careful getting those on because I’m well me and I’m really prone to tears or ladderings and all of that stuff then it’s a decent bra and yes they match because I’ve always been OCD about that and I have no idea if it’s a trans thing or not but it’s a me thing.

Then it’s a russet rusty colored corduroy skirt and a black scoop necked top with like the sleeve cuffs being lacy and that’s almost as fancy as I can get really and I fight with my hair some trying to do that framing my face but away from my face waves and a little eyeliner pencil and a really little bit of really blended in concealer because I’m not confident in my make-up and less is more but I’m actually going out and it’s just.

It takes me a lot longer to find my shoes and to buff them up some so they don’t look all scuffed to heck.

And too long to find my purse, not my day to day purse but my going out I have my shit together purse.

LoL well that’s what I call it not the bag of ladies junk drawer that I usually have with me.

Lipstick or no?

Lip-gloss…yeah okay, I’ll go that far.

Perfume?

Maybe a little just a little nothing I have is like really great anyway it’s mostly Mary-Kay stuff.

Okay…okay…I take a breath and I head downstairs and give the apartment a once over to make sure the back door’s locked and that nothing is on that shouldn’t be on and then another Deep breath and I step out of my door.

And wow it has to be a guy thing or a trans guy thing or even something close to that because Ryan looks great and he still looks like a he.

He’s got his hair out and loose and it’s long but it’s styled like a guy would it’s framing his face nicely and it’s sort of rocker chique and messy but not and he’s wearing nice dress pants and they’re men’s dress pants and he must be using a packer or something that keeps his crotch zone looking right, it’s not like a bulge or anything it just looks like a guy normally would look but the pants are very nice and normal and then he’s wearing an actual non-baggy shirt with no tie and the neck open a bit and I can see then necklace that he wears and stuff and real shoes.

Well okay I like women’s shoes a little but I still kind of sort of buy men’s shoes. Not that my feet are too big it’s just I’m not a person that likes the whole pointed toe shoes and goes gaga over them either. I like heels and I think that they’re pretty as heck but they are hard to walk on.

It’s not even a balance thing it’s a sort of broke thing lots of walking and too any hours on my feet in a warehouse and my feet can’t really do the heel thing for more than a few hours,

And I’m not one of those people that’d buy them and not wear them all the time.

Heck those women that bring heels and another pair of functional shoes to a date or anywhere sort of drive me batty.

I mean really?

And yeah maybe there’s some jealousy stuff too because what kind of life are they or did they get to have when they can just sort of do that stuff.

Anyways…He looks good, hell he definitely passes except for the no facial hair thing.

I’m actually surprised when he looks at me and he smiles and he looks me over in that guy looking at his date sort of facial expression and not a girl checking out my outfit sort of thing.

Yep… *Blush*

He actually comes over and passes me a wrapped rectangular thing and I look at it with a huh look and he smiles.

“Well I didn’t have time to get you flowers so is candy okay?”

“Uhm…”

He smiles some more and yeah I know but he definitely has a nice smile and he’s sort of got these kind of like impish yet friendly dimples.

There’s this little butterflyish thing going on inside my stomach but not in a bad way it’s just that and remembering the kiss, the kissing.

“Do I open it now?”

“If you want to.”

“Can I save it?”

“If you want to Josie, it’s for you. You can do whatever you want with it whenever you want with it.”

“I’m going to save it for work; it’ll be a high point in my usual.”

He nods and he walks me to his car and opens the door for me and Ryan’s car is so not like mine.

It’s not just a classic and a muscle car it’s clean.

It smells nice too like leather and armor-all spray stuff and green apple car freshener.

Wow…okay…this sounds bad, like some goofy trans stereotype but it’s nice, it’s nice when he does the door thing and it’s nice to just be able to sweep the shirt and slip into the car.

He turns the engine over and he’s got the radio tuned to one of the better light rock stations out of Detroit and we drive.

We drive for a while we just drive and it’s nice even doing that because sometimes just going for a drive is nice and it’s something it’s one of those things that I honestly never get to do and he takes us here and there and I point out some of the places that I know which aren’t a whole lot of places but at the same time I want him to kind of get a feel for the city and the area.

“You want to see a movie?”

I look at my watch. “We’d be cutting it close and I don’t know what’s playing.”

“Well that could be fun.”

“I don’t know, I mean what if there’s nothing good playing?”

“Then we see something awful and we make fun of it.”

“Really?”

Ryan laughs. “Yes Really.”

I bite at my lips a little and then mentally curse myself for doing that with lip-gloss on and then I’m kind of glad that I’m not wearing lipstick.

Sometimes I even wonder why I even bother because I really suck at it.

He’s stopping the car outside of the place on Eastport Drive and I blink and look over at him and he’s looking at me. “C’mon it’s huge we’ll find something.”

I…

Dammit woman…just do it! I’m yelling mentally at myself and it’s still scary hard but almost like I can’t help it I end up nodding yes.

Ryan smiles but y’know there’s something else there too, it’s in his eyes that he kind of gets it.

And that’s nice…it helps a lot as he comes around and gets my door and we head to the movie place and we start checking out what’s playing and where to go and there’s a lot of stuff playing and just for fun he takes me to go see “Muppets Most Wanted.”

Out and just for fun with a big thing of popcorn to share and a medium root beer and doing this.

Fun’s been a long time from now.

And when they’re opening almost right away with a musical I’m already smiling.

I missed fun.

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Comments

"I missed fun."

yeah. I know how that feels. Depression can be like a tar baby - you end up doing all the wrong things that make you even more stuck and then the cycle feeds on itself and gets worse and worse.

That's when fun really comes in handy ...

DogSig.png

Tar Baby

That describes depression precisely. The more you struggle with it the more you get all stuck and covered by the blackness.

Hugs
Grover

I've really tried to cover depression in this story.

How it effects everything and steals so much control of your life from the way money works or not to just going out.
*Great Big Hugs to Both.*

Bailey Summers

I've missed fun too....

D. Eden's picture

For a long time. I think a lot of us spend way too much time in our own heads - too worried about who we are, how other people see us, and just plain afraid to be able to have fun. I guess that's just one of the not so fun facts about being trans.

It's been a very, very long time since I just took the time to stop and smell the roses - to slow down and sit in the sun and enjoy the warmth of it on my face.

Too much in my head, too many thoughts I don't want to have, too many memories trying to percolate up to the surface.

I know that I don't smile enough, I don't laugh enough, and I seem to have lost much of the spontaneity in my life.

I am working very, very hard at changing that. I have been able to let go of much in the past few months and hopefully am on the right path to dumping much of my emotional baggage.

As usual, you have managed to hit the nail right on the head with this story. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there and do it. I think we all need to find someone like Ryan - someone who can help all of us to get out of our own heads and get out into the daylight like Josie is doing. "Dammit woman - just do it!"

Sage words if I've ever heard any.

Dallas

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

Wow Dallas, that so relates to everything that Josie's caught in

It takes so much effort sometimes just to do anything and all the uncertainty and what if's that come up it's just too much sometimes to do alone.

And getting out, actually having fun it can seem like a miracle.

*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

*hugs* My heart goes out to

*hugs* My heart goes out to you, Dallas. Recognizing our own worth can be so difficult at times. Strength and hope to you.

Lovely, Hon, just

Lovely, Hon, just lovely.

*wistful hugs*
Jenna

Thanks Jenna:)

I was hoping for that along with representing how depression works on people.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

good for them

low key and fun sounds like just what she needs.
good one, thanks

Low key fun is a good thing.

After too long under that kind of emotional weight and stress going too fast would want to make someone like Josie pull back.
*Hugs and Howls*

Bailey Summers

Wow Ms. Summers!

I've missed this one! The whole "I've nothing to wear" feeling is so true, and it even harder in stealth mode! I just love that these two are finally coming together! Thank you Bailey for revisiting this one! Loving Hugs Talia

I'm trying to work back into some stuff.

Slowly yes but I'm trying to get some things finished.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed this one though Talia.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers