Here Comes the Sun - 2

Printer-friendly version


Here Comes the Sun
a series of Vignettes celebrating transgender romance
through the songs of George Harrison



by Andrea Lena DiMaggio


171631784.JPG
Since she's been gone I want no one to talk to me.
It's not the same but I'm to blame, it's plain to see.



Marty lay across the bed; another sleepless night borne out of choices that left her feeling guilty and foolish. She turned and looked at the fairly undisturbed covers and pillow on the left side. Standing up, she stared at her appearance in the mirror over the dresser. The young woman in the mirror peered back; looking embarrassed at the underwear they both wore, so to speak. Non-descript and decidedly skimpy; perhaps too skimpy she thought as she sighed in displeasure.

So go away, leave me alone, don't bother me.
I can't believe that she would leave me on my own.
It's just not right when every night I'm all alone.

Late July….

“Go away….” She said to her image, as if by wishing or conjuring up some command, the woman in the mirror would suddenly change back to who they both were only a few years before. Or rather, whom they both presented as, since the persona had been the pretend self and Marty the real person. She sighed and looked again at the empty side of the bed.

“Don’t bother me,” she gasped, remembering an old tune from her childhood. That idea that she was to blame seemed to accuse her even as she mouthed the lyrics. Was it really her fault she was alone? She stood and walked over to the mirror.

“It’s…..” she began as tears fell from her face onto her bare feet.

“Just…..not right…..” It wasn’t right or wrong it just was what it was. The idea that we can make things over the way we choose only goes so far, and our choices, good or bad, have an impact on how things end up. She had a choice, no matter what anyone might say, but it wasn’t about who she was, but about how she would live. That she had always been there was no question, but how she was accepted was completely out of her control.

“I’ve got no time for you right now,” she gasped and she threw herself back on the bed, weeping.


A while later…

“Marty?” The voice called from the hallway. She got off the bed and grabbed the mint green terry robe from the hook on the bedroom door. Walking down the hallway, she found her brother standing in the doorway.

“I used my key,” he said as he stepped closer, but he quickly retreated in surprise.

“Marty? What the hell?” His eyes glanced up and down at her as he shook his head in wonder.

“Surprise, Cam….” She said weakly. He breathed out a sigh and half-smiled.

“Well….that’s different,” he said with a soft laugh, evoking a sob from her. He shook his head again, but his smile remained, and he stepped closer.

“The look….suits you,” he said softly as he grabbed her hand and squeezed gently.

“I’m so sorry, Cam….I wanted to tell you, but you were gone and I didn’t have anyone to talk to….”

“What about Mina?” He regretted the question as soon as the words escaped his lips; noticing the frown on her face that accompanied the tears in her eyes.

“She….”

“She….she’s gone, Cam….”

“I’m sorry….” He wanted to add an endearment, but what?

“I’m ….I don’t know what to say, Marty.” The name hadn’t changed, at least face-to-face, even if the face with the name had changed a bit along with a lot of other things about his brother, if that’s what Marty actually was.

“I….” Marty open her arms and Cam stepped closer into the first of several awkward gestures and hugs. He patted Marty on the back and sighed in frustration.

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she….”

“I know, Marty, I’m sorry,” he repeated, continuing to pat his sibling. She rested her head on his chest and began to sob. He pulled back slightly and stared at her face; a gesture she didn’t notice as her eyes were squeezed tight even as the tears escaped out and down her nose. The nose that seemed smaller somehow. The features were the same and yet seemed different... Marty really hadn’t changed much at all, and Cam realized that whatever or whoever Marty was, it was still the same sibling from their childhood… and maybe someone who actually was his sister all along.

I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.

“She….said she needs some time, Cam. That was six weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from her… What am I gonna do?” Marty said as she sipped her tea. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Maybe she’s just…I don’t know, Mart….afraid? I mean…I just met you today…. You know? And I can hardly handle it.” Marty winced at his words.

“I’m sorry…no… jeez…Fuck….” He shook his head and she looked away.

“No, Mart….I mean, it’s brand new for me, and I grew up with you. I’m confused, but I’m not upset. Mina …. “

“It’s all wrong, Cam. I should have never….”

“You….?” His eyes widened even as his gaze lowered reflexively.

“No…not yet….” It could have been done, so to speak, in the time Cam had been overseas, but Marty’s decision hadn’t gotten beyond the halting steps down a poorly lit path.

“There’s still time?” Cam asked, evoking another wince.

“No…not that…” Cam patted her on the back and kissed her cheek, surprising them both.

“There’s still time for her to get to know ….you?” Cam tilted his head and half-smiled. She nodded and wiped her face with her sleeve.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home.
Until that day

“I’m….I’ve got to….” The thoughts were so painfully conflicted; the loss or love or the loss of self locked in what felt like a never-ending battle where the sole casualty was Marty herself.

Marty turned away and faced the hallway wall. She noticed her reflection in the glass of a picture hanging across from them; reflecting her image while still revealing the photo underneath of two middle-school boys holding up soccer trophies. She shook her head and buried her face in Cam’s chest once again, weeping almost uncontrollably. He continued to hold her close and kissed her cheek once again; another brand new thing for them both, but part of his process in beginning to understand why he no longer had a brother.

“I’m so sorry, Cam….I’m so sorry….” Marty protested and begged at the same time; as if just being herself with her brother was wrong….dead wrong.

“Shhh….” He spoke softly; probably the first time he had extended patience since their childhood, when Marty’s cat had died and his older brother consoled him. Cam remembered that he needed consolation, and neither had any expectation of gaining solace from their father; a stern and inflexible man who couldn’t handle kittens and puppies and his own children. How would he have greeted Marty if she had spoken to him at ten or fifteen or even twenty?

He stared at her face; she had closed her eyes but held her head up at the urging of his hand to her chin. She wasn’t exactly pretty, but she was a woman. How many women had he known in his own lifetime that were attractive just in being themselves; the ones who seemed to grow more attractive as he got to know them; intimately or not? He smiled as he noticed the fading traces of the day’s lipstick. Between wiping her face and smacking her lips nervously, nearly all of her makeup had disappeared. But it didn’t seem so odd as just unfamiliar.

He closed his eyes and did exactly what Marty had done time and time again. He imagined her ‘back then’ and even though her ‘previous’ features remained fixed in his mind, she still looked like a girl. She had always looked like a girl….just not adorned. She opened her eyes and noticed his half-smile; an almost wry grin in his repertoire of smiles. It made no difference as she caught sight of her image in the picture glass. The same face she saw staring back at her in the bathroom mirror every day. She shook her head again and sighed before burying her face in his jacket as she wept.

I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.
I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.


Late August…

“Hi,” Cam simply said as he pulled the chair out for Mina.

“I hope you don’t expect me to change my mind,” she said as she sat down. She grabbed the napkin and placed it on her lap and looked away as Cam sat down.

“Nope, I just wanted to say hi and that I missed you while I was away,” he laughed softly at the irony. Mina had told him very strongly that she felt Cam had made a mistake by doing a second tour. She and Marty had been struggling even then, but no one told Cam anything about the reason for the struggle. Nearly three years later, Cam had returned to find the very surprising new member of the family as well as the potential loss of a very dear if frustrated old member.

“How….” Mina began, but her voice trailed off. Cam avoided the use of the provocative she and said,

“Marty is doing okay, considering…”

“Please don’t be angry with me?” Mina said with a sigh.

“I’m not angry with you, Mina. I’m not even upset with you. If I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around things? A guy goes away to war and he sorta expects things to be reasonably the same when he gets back, you know?”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Mina? You’re one of the most treasured people in my life. If Marty hadn’t found you, I’d have been more than blessed to be…. You know? Hell, Mina, I love you, even if you are the second most exasperating person in my life besides my….” He paused, weighing the options of how well things might progress, and threw caution to the wind with one word.

“Sister?” His voice trailed off.

“Tell me about it…” She sighed again. He patted her wrist and smiled.

“I’m sorry things have been so hard for you.” Her eyes widened in surprise.

“I’m…. thank you, Cam.” She said weakly. She lifted the tea cup but quickly placed it back down on the table. Cam took a sip of his coffee and smiled; another in his collection.

“It’s confusing and even scary,” he said as he resumed sipping his coffee.

“I….I don’t know how….”

“I don’t think Marty came with a set of instructions…. and a change in the factory defaults to boot, huh?” Mina tried not to laugh, but the IT in her pushed her into a soft chuckle.

“None of us come with instructions, Mina, and I’m pretty sure we all are way different than how we came out of the factory, yes?” He smiled again. She smiled back, despite her urge to frown.

“And you still love Marty.” He arched his eyebrow.

“Oh fuck…” She shook her head. Giving Marty’s brother the satisfaction of being ‘right’ wasn’t the worst part of it. Him being absolutely spot on was the hardest part of being there…right there and vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, Mi….” His smile had changed once again, but it was warm and inviting; an understanding that even the best parts of love can be painful and disappointing.

‘What do I do with this? All of this? He’s not the man I married…..” She laughed at the irony of her words which pushed her rudely into a sobbing gasp.

“I don’t know, Mi….I really don’t,” he sighed. For two people who were used to having hard data and answers, Marty was just as confounding to him as it was to Mina, but he had less to lose if he remained confused and even frightened over the prospects of Marty’s change, since Marty would always be his sibling. But Mina? All too much to lose if she stayed exactly where she was and maybe too much to lose if she walked away. How God could machinate such a horribly wrong no-win situation?

“It isn’t fair, Cam….I can’t do this.” Cam had been through many discussions like this. Moving from logical to empathetic had changed his outlook, but he resisted the temptation to answer and asked a question instead.

“What did you do when….” He hadn’t finished when she frowned and shook her head.

“We….” She looked down at her body.

“It worked out even if it was rough going….because you….” He paused, not for lack of words, but because he knew she had the words he sought.

“We…Patty is our baby….our hearts….they….”

“You saw things through and now you share more than just the love that helped the beginning of Mina and Marty, right? She’s a beautiful little girl.”

“How can you… you’ve been through so much yourself, Cam… I don’t understand?” She didn’t understand even if she had the heart to try and the faith to

“Watching everything….seeing all the loss? I realized it wasn’t an uncaring god that allowed those things….but uncaring….confused and frightened people. And where I saw loss, I also saw hope. The folks who cared and loved and hoped for the children. The idea that we’re all the same even if we don’t see things the same way.”

“You believe that….? It almost felt like a statement that Mina wished to buy into.

“Yes, my sweet sister-in-law… I do.”

“I want to believe…. I love Marty….maybe I just don’t have enough faith.”

“You have it. The same faith that caused you to pray for me when I was in danger. The same faith that believed for me when I found my own faith waning. The same faith that trusted that things would work out for you and Marty and your daughter. You just aren’t sure you have it inside of you. But only the external seems to test the internal, Mi…. This is as big a test as you’ll ever undergo and it’s not about what you do or don’t do, but what you believe. That idea of helping you with your unbelief isn’t a bad thing. It’s for your benefit as much as your marriage and your love. It’s how you move forward with the love you already have.”

Going from anger to confusion to doubt to hurt was something Cam understood. He peered at Mina and blinked his good eye; the left eye still a testimony to goodness even as the right eye remained motionless and without sight; another testimony, but to the faith that overcame the loss. He leaned closer and took her hand; kissing it in blessing.

“I am completely confident that you’ll find a way to make this work,” he said as he nodded. She nodded back, slowly but without reluctance as she smiled and looked away; a gesture that spoke of hope as she raised her eyes and spoke silently.

But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.
I'll let you know when she's come home.
Until that day


The week before Christmas

“You don’t mind?”

“No…I understand,” Marty said with a soft laugh. It wasn’t time yet, and while Marty might find strength in the support of friends just like her, Mina wasn’t quite ready to meet anyone like herself. Time enough, since even as the doubts lingered, diminishing though they were, things would be halting with fits and starts and crying and perhaps even laughing as the couple moved forward as a family.

“Mommy?” the voice came from behind. One turned in response to a familiar cry. The other turning to the same familiar cry, but with a completely new understanding of the word.

“Can I stay up to watch the movie with you tonight?” Patty walked over and sat down between her parents. She looked at Marty and smiled; new and maybe even improved as they say, but still a bit confusing. And she looked at Mina with a plea. Mina nodded and smiled.

“Your meeting over by eight?”

“I’ll just go for a little while. I don’t want to miss the movie either, okay?” Marty sighed.

“That’s great Daddy. It’s still okay to call you Daddy, right?” Laura tilted her head and eyed Marty up and down. Marty wore a forest green waist-length jacket over a mint green top. This along with a dark brown faux-suede skirt over chocolate brown boots. Her hair was pulled back; displaying cross –shaped ear studs. A recent gift to celebrate her anniversary with Mina.

“It’s okay, honey,” Mina said as she kissed Laura on the cheek.

“And I’m really glad ‘Daddy’ will be home for the movie tonight. You go finish your homework, but….” She paused and smiled at Marty.

“Give her a kiss, okay?”

“Okay,” Patty said as she leaned over and kissed Marty. It was odd, and it was confusing, but it was just one more step everyone had taken in becoming just the family they were always meant to be.

Next: Do You Want to Know a Secret?


Don’t Bother Me
Words and Music by
George Harrison
Acapella cover...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJsdEubWKFk

up
75 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

Here Comes the Sun

Another excellent Drea story. Love does seem to prevail even if we make it difficult.
Hugs
Heather Marie

Thank you,Andrea

That's all 'Drea, just thank you !!

ALISON

Using The Music

joannebarbarella's picture

In a way that I'm sure The Beatles never imagined....and neither did most of us. A little bit of 'Drea's magic.