Waiting on the stairs

Printer-friendly version

It was late. I had a lot to do the next day, of course, but the energy I needed just wasn't there. I had resigned myself to the fact that people would simply be disappointed tomorrow. How the hell is it that I am so thin skinned?

"Will that be all sir?"

It's a word. A dumb word I learned for crying out loud. Yet every second I spent dressed up like a boy, interacting with the world in that way, drained away my life. It feels like drowning. I used to put up with it. I'd come up for air whenever I could. In the military I went so far as to rent hotel rooms by myself just so I could be me for a night. So I could get away from it. I was so disgusted and ashamed with myself whenever I did. I would apologize to God. Before I learned to trust, of course, that I was this way for a reason. After I'd been an atheist; other atheists kind of drove me back to religion.

I kidded myself, of course. Every time folks would say "why don't you just...", I'd try it. Desperately hoping it would work. People telling me that this was all in my head, that people that transition aren't "fooling" anyone. That I was a man. That man I was supposed to be, got in a relationship with a wonderful woman, that did not deserve my wasting both of our time for years. That proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't a man. Yet still I listened to everyone else instead of my own heart.

Eventually, I came to terms. I went through the special kind hell that coming out in a relationship is, hurting someone I love deeply, hearing her words hurt me like no one else's can. Thankfully I had enough of my wits together to go into therapy instead of ending my life. It's been a hard road, but I'm here now.

34. Making promises I can't keep. Because of a word. "Sir". Because I won't admit that it still screws with me, in ways I can't explain to people and be taken seriously.

It's times like this, that my mind goes back. I remember that day, when I was a teenager. I had looked so beautiful, sitting on the stairs, looking into the mirror. Life made sense again that day. I could be me, whoever that even is. What does that girl in the mirror like for breakfast, I wondered. Everyone was gone. If I had any sense, of course, I would have taken the mirror off the wall. I was so terrified. But the terror had been overridden by something else.

I see a flash out of the corner of my eye. My screensaver is going off. Great.

I close my eyes. It would be so wonderful if I could go back, to that moment. To give myself the courage that I didn't have then. To just sit on the stairs a few moments longer.

Suddenly, I remember the way the house smelled that day. The color of the paint. The writing on the tapestry to the wall to my left, that I had forgotten about completely. The floor is carpeted, not linoleum the way I normally remember it; we have not changed that back out yet. I can remember class assignments from the day before. I could feel my clothes, the added (fake) weight on my chest. I was scared. I knew that my family would be walking in any minute. This is so so stupid. Run, you fool. Stash everything.

No. I tell myself no. I can still remember what will happen if I run. I'm very good at hiding this part of me. It won't be for a few years yet that my mom's second husband embarrasses me in front of all of my friends - my mom's friends really - who don't even care, all my fears were pretty silly.

Not this time.

I open my eyes. My - laptop? I think. Wow, I must be rich, because all I can remember is a crappy refurbished desktop tower in my mom's room. Or my little floppy disk powered Zenith with no hard disk that's older than I am in my room. Whatever, it's gone now. How old am I? That's a weird thing to be thinking. I'm 19. Duh.

Oh wow. I can see the mirror. I can't really describe how I feel. Or all the things I DON'T feel any more. But this is wonderful. I'm not going to give this up for anything.

A car door closes in the distance.

Shit. Shit shit.

I start to get up. Something inside me, a distant memory, keeps me from doing so.

Not this time. I'm going to sit here. I don't care any more. It hurts too much to run back. I'm not safe anyway. Not in this house. It's time to stop playing pretend. They are going to know the truth about me.

2 more car doors close.

This is my last chance. There is no running after this. Why? Why won't I let myself hide? It's no big deal. I do this all the time. No one needs to know about this side of me. This is agony. They are going to walk in any second. Please. Please let me run.

They're coming. Great. That was it. I'm here now. Okay. Deep breath. I am about to have a heart attack.

The front door's opening.

They're staring. Of course they're staring.

"Mom". Wow. I'm talking. I know what to say. I say my little brother's name. I say my mom's husband's name. I don't call him dad. I know what happens when I don't, but I say his name anyway. I can't believe I'm being so articulate. "This is who I am."

He's... hugging me? My... dad... is hugging me? Not hitting me? My little brother is too. My mom's crying. This is totally the opposite of what I expected. What the hell is going on?

"I've known for a while. How long have you and " my male best friend " been together?"

"It's... not quite like that". I laugh. I've always been so terrified of people thinking I was gay, because I knew what that meant when I was younger, and it was never good. But I'm laughing! "I mean in a way it is." IN A WAY IT IS? RED FLAG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! "But it wouldn't work with me and a boy. But it also wouldn't work with me and a straight girl. I ... need to be one. I'm a woman, mom, dad". I call him dad.

"Well, if you want the surgery, you are going to have to pay for it". My mom's not crying any more. But she is very serious. "And also I don't think you should tell anyone about this. What's going to happen at school? You remember what it was like growing up. And I don't believe you about " male best friend again.

There must be something in the water, because my stepdad is hugging my mom. "If she" - SHE? "is this sure about herself, I don't think she will have any problems. I'm really proud of you... is it still " male name.

"No... no. It's Jessica. It's always been Jessica. It feels really good to say it out loud"

"Who are you talking to?" my ex asks. The mirror is gone. The apartment smells a lot better than the house I was just in did. What happened just now? I must have dozed off. I look at the clock...

That can't be right. I must have messed up the time zone. It says it's two hours before my little daydream.

"Oh just thinking out loud", I say.

There's a file on my desktop. "To_Jess.txt" it says. I open it.

"Dear future me,

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart thank you. I don't know how or why, but I want you to know my world is very, very real. I won't ever grow up to be you, and you won't ever have me in your past after that day. I don't know how I know that, or how I know you're going to get this letter. I'm throwing it in the garbage after I write it, and taking out the trash, so no one will ever see it. But I know you will.

Thank you for lending me the courage I needed. I became an amazing woman thanks to you. That day everything changed, not just for me but our whole family. I know where you're going back to is hard. I can only imagine what it would have been like going through the military and your break up with " my ex fiancee's name", who says hi by the way. She and I are really great friends. I guess that's the same between our worlds. I know it's harder on you than it was for me, because you had to wait so long. But I want you to know that you will be a wonderful woman, and yes attractive.

You needed your hard life, to do the things you're trying to do with yours. But you don't need me in your past. I am fine and happy. You are fine and happy, in another world, without your goals. You need to know that.

I just want you to go back knowing that it's okay now. You do what you have to do with your life. I'll do what I can with mine. I have asked if there was some way to prove to you that this is real, that is the only kindness I can think of to give you. Something inside me says to look at your clock if you have any doubts. I don't know what that means but I'm sure you will."

I smile. I get back to work. This app isn't going to develop itself.

up
153 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

We remember from the smells

Podracer's picture

don't we. Some earlier evolved mechanism. This goes the other way somewhat, a memory bringing the odour back. Neat story thanks :)

"Reach for the sun."

I rember the first time somone called me Sir.

Hypatia Littlewings's picture

It kind of shocked me.

Interesting perspective.
I wonder if the knowledge oh her other self will be enough.

>i< ..:::

Waiting on the Stairs

rlarueh007's picture

OK; Its a good start is their going to be more? Richard

Superbly Written

The kind of direct, honest, free-flowing style that grabs the reader's attention from the outset and doesn't let go.

Ban nothing. Question everything.