Encrypted-21

Chapter 21

*Before…

I have never been in a public setting like this for that long in my life before, it’s completely blown any other times that I’ve done this out of the water as it were.

I feel happy and I feel actually like I’ve grown a lot just by getting past something like this.

We get settled in and we hug our driver and he even helps carry our bags with the porter to our rooms and say our goodbyes for the night as he leaves us his personal card for us to call him if we need him again.

That could be a definite thing.

I have a shower and get everything off of me from being out there…no I’m not a germiphobe but it just feels good to wash the day off.

I think that I might have stress sweated slightly.

Brandy’s looking at room service and I’m going over the things that I bought her from The Apple Store

*And Now…

I am looking through things on her machines as much as she is the food on the menu and I can feet things inside the computers and tablet and phone as I’m booting them all up. It’s interesting to feel these very sort of shaped like blocks of programs and data and they sort of look like code filled polygons in my head and as I choose an option to get things put in place one point of a joint will spike out and send to another polygon packet which is like one side for every function that connects or can connect to another function of the device. The more things that it can possibly do or the more programs it can interface with outside of itself the more sides it has.

It’s still all code but it’s constructs of code and really it’s kind of pretty.

I think that this is what people say in science fiction when they say a piece of code is elegant or something.

I get up and I go to Brandy and sit close to her with her things. “You need to put in your passwords.”

“Okay, do you want to do it?” She’s still staring at the menu which is actually on the television because apparently you order it like ordering pay-per-view. She’s biting her lower lip and I think that means that she’s nervous?

This might sound odd but I like that, I like the idea of normal people doing things that’s like stimming or sort of stimming because some of the things that I do aren’t quite like full on stimming and some is.

But it’s sort of comforting to see things that I am pretty self-conscious of actually being things that other people do as well.

But me do her passwords?

No, no, no those are sort of really personal things they’re private things that are like supposed to keep the things that you do on your computers private and secure….and secure is important it’s emotionally important to me.

I have my hands full so I don’t finger count but my leg can bounce so I do that. It’s like for me and maybe others there’s social anxiety energy that builds up and I can get it out like others can and I try and do things that sort of release it.

Brandy looks over at me and sees what must be my can’t do this look and she looks at my leg and she nods. “Okay, I can do that if you can help me choose what we’re going to have.”

I pass her, her devices.

She knew and I didn’t have to put all of it into awkward words.

She’s typing in her passwords and I don’t look and I don’t sense things out but I look at the TV screen menu.

“There are a lot of things here.”

“There are a lot of things here that are expensive Maddy.”

I look at the prices there’s a seven dollar cheese burger and that is cheap. But considering the other things. “I think they are fair, we are getting a higher grade of kitchen and that comes with higher paid staff and then its delivery and with real dishes.”

She looks at me. “I’ve never had this kind of things Maddy, expensive places and shopping and fancy food and room service.”

I nod.

Think about it.

“We could go someplace, like Dairy Queen?”

She smiles. “No, just…I’m nervous that’s all. Part of me wants to do this but part of me is scared to do this because I might like it all too much. I don’t want to be one of those people; I’ve seen friends or people that I thought were friends become some of those people.”

“Those people? There are a lot of people.”

“Shallow, materialistic people.”

“Oh, well you won’t be one of those people.”

She looks at me.

I look back at her. “I believe you are the best person I have met. I…I have faith in you.”

Which is true.

But things like that are hard for me.

Because so very often there is no reason to have any faith in the good side of people.

But there are a lot of reasons why I have faith in Brandy.

And I’m blushing very much from telling her that.

And then she slides herself to me and she sets her things down and she holds me and leans on me.

“Thank you Maddy…that was really sweet.”

“It was the truth.”

“A lot of people in my life never had any faith in me.”

I sort of know some of this if the dreams that I’ve been connected to are memories. Then her family would not have had any faith in her especially when she came out as Trans.

“Those people are wrong and that is their own fault, if they had faith in you then you would still be in their lives and they would very likely be a lot happier for it.”

She leans up my shoulder to kiss me.

I like kissing, it is one of these things that seems to gain greater value to me the more that I do it. It could be the emotional connection but aside from that I can still sort of semi feel that great micro-shift in us. Where the things that make us and us are variables that are becoming part of each of us.

Oh.
Oh now there’s a thought with all of this that makes sense.

When we lose someone, when we have close interactions with someone and our personal code adjusts and incorporates that person into our lives they become part of us and when we lose that person we literally lose a piece of what became part of us.

Oh I think ow.

And this makes me think of Brandy.

And how important she is to me.

And how she makes me feel.

And how when she’s happy and things are going better she makes me feel good because it just seems to be this seldom thing to see her happy.

I want to make her happier….and with this less anxious too.

“We’re on a working vacation right? Well I think there is a custom of treating ourselves while on vacation.” I say. “And it isn’t likely that we’re going to be doing this all of the time and likely not too much when we get home because it would just be too much…I like our life we’re building.”

She looks at me. “Not spoiled but like comfortable?”

I nod several times. “I really enjoy comfortable, comfortable goes so well with stable.”

Brandy kisses me lightly. “Safe.”

I sigh this big sigh of pleasure at the thought of that. “Safe…yes safe would be so nice, comfortable and safe with our own nice little life.”

She sighs too and I love that about her that we both sort of value this sort of thing in our life and I know it’s for different reasons but still that is why it’s so good or at least it is to me. I like the fact that Brandy is so normal and she’s with me and we intersect so much.

A very big, very powerful and hurtful part of my life is knowing just how different that I was and just how really unlikely that I would ever find someone.

I look at the menu and pull my feet up on the couch and tuck them in and Brandy snuggles with me.

We scroll through and like when you’re looking at shows and hit the “Info” button it shows a picture of what the food item is and what’s more or less a description of the food.

There is really so much but we actually both are pretty timid and we don’t try all of the seafood things that they have since it’s not a big thing from where I am from or where she is from and sometimes trying new things is a trying experience.

So we ordered a basket of fries and I like the idea of a basket to keep them separate and we order elk burgers, that’s new to both of us but it’s still sort of not new to us and it was very good.

Except the bib lettuce, I like two sorts of lettuce really that I know of and they are iceberg lettuce and the leaf lettuce that we had home in the garden. I tried arugula and it tasted like not lettuce and more like mulch with pepper but this bib-lettuce reminds me of vegetable cellophane. There was something almost sort of rubbery to me about it.

It squeaked.

I don’t eat cheese curds for the same reason.

Brandy ate my lettuce.

But the tomato slice was actually very nice, it was seasoned and it was a good centimeter thick and very ripe and actually made a fine part of the burger. The Elk meat patty I liked more than Brandy did. She found it very dry and strong but I liked the flavors, it was strong but not like deer meat.

My father hunted deer and I have had it a few times and it’s very strong or I remember that in that way. It could be the way that my father cooked it too but I’m not sure on that.

The French fries were amazing and they were done and sent up in a basket with a cloth towel thing inside the basket and they were well seasoned and crispy and not greasy and hot to the one thing that I didn’t like was they came with a house ketchup.

I don’t like that.

It’s one of my have to’s.

And I know it’s all in my head and it is one of my routine things but I can only have Heinz ketchup and I prefer the glass bottles and I will buy the glass bottles instead of the plastic squeeze ones even if I have to buy more of them.

The glass thing is a different must thing for me.

I find plastics sometimes greasy, I can touch a plastic handle and I will sometimes feel like it’s sweating an oil like sheen.

So if I can buy something and it has a glass bottle version instead of the plastic I will always buy the glass.

I eat/ate the fries without the ketchup and they were still good.

The one thing I had no problems with was the ice cream.

In house made chocolate ice cream with very few ingredients and served up it a big glass thermos decanter thing with ice packed around it and scoops and bowls. Fresh make to order as well and it tasted amazing.

We had just wheeled everything out and Brandy then hauled me off to the bedroom part of the suite and we slipped into our bed things and got into the bed which has these thick and fluffy comforters as part of the bedding and we drifted off somewhere near the end of watching *Little Monsters* with Fred Savage and Howie Mandel on the TV.

It was a really, really incredible day.

…………………….I wake up when my alarm goes off and today’s the day. I have to go and do the presentation for the underwater sub project and to explain the work and research behind it and I’m nervous.

I’m nervous and I’m scared and I feel the whole social anxiety creeping up on my and making my need to do things to deal flare up.

I’m pacing and counting and waiting for room service coffee which I want but likely don’t need and Brandy comes out of the bedroom area and she’s wearing a sheet and her hair’s loose and wild looking and fuzzy-ish.

And she’s very beautiful like this.

She goes to the TV and turns it on and she flips through until she finds a digital radio channel playing classical music and plays it fairly loudly but not too loudly and she just gives me this beaming smile as she heads over to our bags and the shopping bags.

“You listen and shower and calm down and I will wait for the coffee and I will help you get ready and presentable in like for this whole business thing.”

I look at her and I nod…I try to smile as much as I can but it feels iffy but the music is already helping and instead of my fingers doing the counting thing my hands are flat and they’re turning in and out sort of waving with the music and I’m in that social knocked off my “game” space but I walk over, I make myself walk over and kiss her.

It’s not like I’m forcing myself to kiss her because I don’t want to kiss her but it’s one of those things where right now can’t is stronger than my want.

It’s a hard thing to force.

But Brandy’s worth it and she hugs me, she hugs me and let’s my hands still do whatever and she rocks with the cellos and the baseline of the music and that helps with the hug.

The coffee comes and by that time I’m feeling less scattered by the things that are looming and we have a cup each and I head to the shower and Brandy follows me.

We shower together which is good and it’s fun enough to help keep me from doing that mental self-harm distraction sort of thing that I do and then she does something that really, really helps me.

Please, please if you’re with someone like me and they don’t have touch issues please, please wash their back.

She’s using a shower puff but she’s washing kind of hard and it feels so good I actually groaned with how good that it felt.

After that and going into the routine that I have of getting fully ready with doing my hair and dressing and doing a good but business and not to make-up heavy business look I am feeling a lot better and a lot more stable it’s like each layer adds this layer of me feeling secure.

She’s dressed conservatively for her but at the same time she’s all allure and in all of those right alluring places.

A dark brown turtleneck dress that goes to her lower thighs and she’s dressed with nice under things and stockings that are black with this heavy seam and she has higher heels than I do and she’s straighten her hair like she usually does and she has nice tasteful make-up on and a pair of dark colored I think it’s called tortoise-shell nerdy-chic glasses even though she doesn’t wear them and it’s all tasteful too and yet when you look at all of her curves that she has as opposed to me it’s very alluring.

And really, really attractive.

And that helps me feel more in control.

And so does liking what I look like.

A medium grey pants suit with a nice cut to the jacket so the waist buttons give me a nice trim and the lower part of the jacket has a nice flair of hip and the pants are nice and fit well and they have a nice front panel but they are not those high waisted pant/slacks that I don’t care for and I have a nice wide but plain black leather belt that matches my shoes and my computer bag.

And I’m wearing a nice set of underwear by Jessica in a nice rose-tope and that has this nice effect with the semi-sheer white nylon blouse that I’m wearing. One button not done from the top so I show neck and maybe a tiny hint of bra because there’s a social power thing that Brandy says that comes from allure? But nothing more than that.

I am wearing just a little bit of perfume and I have a decent amount of deodorant on and then only other sort of really allure I have is the two inch heeled shoes that I’m wearing and white-tope stockings under the pants but so that they can be sort of seen?

Part of me wants to ask why but part of me knows why allure is used and there’s some part of me that wants that confidence.

And after all my life of not feeling this secure and in control of me looking in the mirror I see and I feel like I am and that I can go out and do this without battling dread all the way.

Brandy actually joins me as she’s going to help me with all of the things I have yet to do with going to Kinkos and getting all of my presentation things done and she looks good too and she’s in a dress and we call our car and have another coffee before getting my shoulder bag that she takes and my computer case that I have and we take our purses and we head down to face this new day and this new challenge.