Bleeding

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Bleeding

Author’s note. This is a poem that popped into my head today. Its gonna be tough, as it deals with sexual abuse. Please be careful reading it.

(I cant do music, but imagine a soft, sad guitar playing while you read this)

I’m ... bleeding ...

just when he entered me

Bleeding ...

never will be free

Bleeding ...

cant let anyone see

Bleeding ...

what he made of me

Bleeding ...

and no one can ever know

Bleeding ...

so its go on with the show

Still bleeding ....

Bleeding ...

(imagine a soft guitar instrumental here)

Bleeding ...

stuff all the pain inside

Bleeding ...

from the world I hide

Bleeding ...

so filled with shame

Bleeding ...

because I took the blame

Bleeding ...

cant show anyone my tears

Bleeding ...

to scared to face my fears

So I keep bleeding ....

Still bleeding ...

(instrumental)

Bleeding ...

will I ever heal

Bleeding ...

show a face that’s real

Bleeding ...

will there be any love for me

Bleeding ...

if the truth they see

Bleeding ...

try to hold on

Bleeding ...

and hope for a different song

And the day I stop ...

Bleeding ...

(Instrumental and fade)

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Only you could write so

Only you could write so bravely and so raw but time will heal you, just keep letting it out and you will heal

thanks, Papa

huggles.

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Works

But I imagined an angrier, more strident guitar by the end. There's definitely a more determined feel in the last few lines.

Ban nothing. Question everything.

a more determined feel?

that's the feel I was going for, Nicki. That "I got knocked down, but I'm not done fighting" kind of a feel. Maybe imagine switching from an acustic guitar at the beginning to an electric for the end ...

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Hugs and bandaids

laika's picture

Oh gosh, Dorothy. Such a grim and powerful image. The repetition really works. It would make a haunting song by someone like PJ Harvey.

Reading it I suddenly remembered a poem I read sometime in 80's or 90's- a knife blaming the wound it created for bleeding; using the chilling words and backwards logic of an abuser. It's been in the back of my mind all these years. I thought it was by Anne Sexton, from the theme and style it could be, and it was the same time period, but when I found it just now it turned out to be by May Swenson. The Wikipedia on her didn't say much about her childhood other than that her Mormon parents rejected her for being a lesbian; but she clearly knew a thing or two about bleeding. Some critics read this as an unhealthy collusion between a sadist and a willing masochist but I think the cut is just saying what it thinks it must to appease the knife. Here it is in its entirety:

BLEEDING by May Swenson

Stop bleeding said the knife
I would if I could said the cut.
Stop bleeding you make me messy with the blood.
I'm sorry said the cut.
Stop or I will sink in farther said the knife.
Don't said the cut.
The knife did not say it couldn't help it but
it sank in farther.
If only you didn't bleed said the knife I wouldn't
have to do this.
I know said the cut I bleed too easily I hate
that I can't help it I wish I were a knife like
you and didn't have to bleed.
Well meanwhile stop bleeding will you said the knife.
Yes you are a mess and sinking in deeper said the cut I
will have to stop.
Have you stopped by now said the knife.
I've almost stopped I think.
Why must you bleed in the first place said the knife.
For the same reason maybe that you must do what you
must do said the cut.
I can't stand bleeding said the knife and sank in farther.
I hate it too said the cut I know it isn't you it's
me you're lucky to be a knife you ought to be glad about that.
Too many cuts around said the knife they're
messy I don't know how they stand themselves.
They don't said the cut.
You're bleeding again.
No I've stopped said the cut see you are coming out now the
blood is drying it will rub off you'll be shiny again and clean.
If only cuts wouldn't bleed so much said the knife coming
out a little.
But then knives might become dull said the cut.
Aren't you still bleeding a little said the knife.
I hope not said the cut.
I feel you are just a little.
Maybe just a little but I can stop now.
I feel a little wetness still said the knife sinking in a
little but then coming out a little.
Just a little maybe just enough said the cut.
That's enough now stop now do you feel better now said the knife.
I feel I have to bleed to feel I think said the cut.
I don't I don't have to feel said the knife drying now
becoming shiny.

Icky, huh? That line by the knife "too many cuts around" sounds like thinly veiled version of what a misogynist might say.

Even though you evoke the same tragic sort of imagery it's clear from other stuff you're writing that you're in the process of healing; I'm so glad for that. And I hope Ms Swenson got a chance to. From the meager on line biographical material on her, her life doesn't sound too terribly grim by the standards of famous poets. Lots of awards and important university positions; no mention of addiction or suicide, and she had a wife (in everything but name + the legalities) from 1970 until her death in 1989. I think I'll check and see if the library has anything by her.

that was a powerful poem, Laika

yeah, a lot of abusers blame the victim, and a lot of victims blame themselves ...

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I Think The Poem

Might be about self cutting. Mainly, I guess, because of the following line:

>> I feel I have to bleed to feel I think said the cut. <<

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee