Chapter 3

It was nearly 9 P.M. as I parked the truck in front of our old trailer. I climbed out of the truck, and Laura stormed out of the only door of the trailer and exclaimed:
“There you are! I thought you’d never come back!”
The moment Sage got out of the car, Laura’s smile faded. Mom appeared behind her. I closed the space between Sage and me, laid my arm on her shoulders and said:
“I invited Sage over to stay with us for New Year!”
After a few seconds, Mom broke the silence and said with a broad smile:
“Of course! I’m happy to see you again, Sage! Please, come on in, it’s cold outside, I’ll fix us something for dinner.”

As we all gathered inside the small living room, Laura still hadn’t said a word. She stood near the doorway, shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other and looked down to the floor.
“Sage, I . . .,” she stammered, “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean . . .”
“Don’t apologize,” Sage interrupted her, “it’s not your fault, you only meant to protect your little brother, I understand.”
Now I felt bad, Sage was right. It wasn’t Laura’s fault, neither Sages, I was the one who screwed everything up. Laura still stood by the doorway, but now she looked up, straight into Sages eyes:
“No . . . I should have talked to you, I should have known that you wouldn’t lie to Logan.”
Sage smiled:
“Let’s just forget about it, I really don’t want to be reminded of the past.”
“Logan honey, could you get the dishes,” asked Mom, “dinner is ready!”

° ° °

Sage sat next to me and Jack in front of us at McDonalds. It was December the 31st and we were invited to a party with some of our old classmates from our senior year in High School. Sage didn’t feel like going to a party with many people and I was happy to oblige. Actually I was looking forward to spend some time alone with her for New Year’s Eve. We had the trailer for ourselves as my mom worked at the diner till 3 PM (yeah, I know, but she was paid double that night and ‘we did really need the money’) and Laura spent the night over at a friend’s house.

“Sage, you should really come to Mizzou’, it’s so sweet, and you’d have the time of your life!” he chimed, jumping up and down and shifting on the bench he was sitting on. Sage smirked and said:
“Gee, I don’t know . . .”
“Why not?,” Jack interrupted her “you can do it! If I remember correctly, you had pretty good grades back in High School! Come on, baby, don’t you wanna make somethin’ out of your life? College is a step towards earning a lot of money, or better world rule! Besides, there’s a smart and handsome guy you know who is attending the same college, and Logan’s there too!”
Sage laughed and I kicked his leg with my foot under the table. She held up her hands and said:
“Ok, ok, I’m going to think about it.”

°°°
In a dazzling, life bursting metropolis like Boyer, New Year’s Eve is always highly agitated. Most of the time, the temperatures are so low and snow lays so high that’s almost impossible to stay outside, so except for a few fireworks at midnight, everybody stays inside.

I sat on the couch, already at my third beer. Sage sat next to me, her legs up on the couch, her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting on her knees. I asked her:
“So, what do you think, you’re going to college?”
She sighed: “I don’t know. I would really like to, but I don’t think I’m ready for that, I don’t feel safe.”
I looked at her and said: “I think Jack’s right, though. You should come to Mizzou. At least, there are people who know you and you’re little . . . secret. I would protect you, if you need it.”
She turned her head and looked at me: “Would you really do that?”
I touched her hand and answered: “Yes, I will. You can trust me.”

Suddenly, she looked at her watch, smiled and said:
“Happy new year, college boy.”
Outside, we heard some people laughing and shouting and the explosions of fireworks. Sage stood up and watched them from the window. I looked at her and how her face was illuminated in different colors from the fireworks. I thought about how beautiful she was and that I wanted to kiss her.

I stood up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. I kissed her neck, and encouraged by the fact that she didn’t pull or push me away, I turned her around and kissed her on the mouth. And it was just wonderful. I felt all light in my head and stomach. I took her by her hand and we went into my bedroom.

° ° °

The next morning, I was happy that mum didn’t say anything after she saw Sage and I coming out of my room. I was pretty sure though she knew what had happened last night, but she knew I wouldn’t get Sage pregnant, even if I tried very hard. Although I wasn’t opposed to try it some more.
Sage needed to get back home so after breakfast we both climbed into the truck and we were on our way back to Saint Louis. The ride was quiet and Sage didn’t speak much, somehow she seemed to quiet and distant.

After I parked the car in front of her house I couldn’t stand it any longer and burst out:
“What is bothering you, why don’t you talk anymore? Did I do something wrong?” I needed to know.
“No, Logan, but this was a mistake.”
I stared at her: “What was a mistake?” But I already knew the answer.
She inhaled deeply and looked at me: “Everything Logan, Just everything. That you came to my house, that I went back with you to Boyer, what we did last night. You should have just left me alone! That’s just too hard for me, we can never be together.”

I couldn’t believe my ears: “Of course we can be together! Sage, I mean I . . . I love you, Goddamn! Can’t you see that? I told you that I don’t want to live without you!”
Tears welled up in her eyes: “I really want to believe you, but I can’t! How could I trust you after everything what happened? Would you really stand by my side if anybody would find out about me being transgender, at college, for example? I’m sorry Logan, but I’m not ready to take that risk again!” She climbed out of the car and walked back into her house.

I punched my fist against the steering wheel in anger. I wasn’t mad at her, but at myself because I knew she was right. I understood why she wouldn’t or couldn’t trust me again. But I loved her, like I had never loved a woman before. Before I thought that Brenda was the girl of my dreams but that was nothing compared to what I felt for Sage.

Before, I would have done anything to get Brenda back, but she didn’t want me. Before, Sage wanted me but I did anything I could to push her away. But now that I wanted her, it seemed like it was too late. And it was all my fault and I deserved it. Sage sure deserved better than me, but I was selfish and I didn’t want to let her go.

End of Chapter 3.