Chapters 1 - 3
Copyright© 2016 Rebecca Jane
All Rights Reserved.
him about who and what he really is.
This starts out as the day it all falls down on him,
or does it?
Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Tuesday, 11/15/2016 - 10:30:13 PM.(-0400), Robbie's Revelation was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers to enjoy. ~Sephrena
Author's Note: I hope you all enjoy the start of this tale, its actually the first creative writing I have attempted since I was in college. We’ll just say that was 20+ years ago. This story has just been bouncing around in my head for a while and I felt the need to tell it, to the best of my ability. Some of the story is pulled from my actual experience, some are just daydreams of a 40 something lady now. Anyway I hope you enjoy, and I don’t mind constructive feedback. I hope to get better as the story progresses and I would greatly appreciate ideas. So that being said, here we go. ~Rebecca
Friday the 2nd of October 1987,
I must have been in a really pleasant dream when my alarm clock sounded and woke me up a few minutes ago. I had been sitting here on the side of my bed trying for the life of me what the dream was about for a few minutes. This peaceful feeling, I had woken up with was quite uncommon for me for the last few years. It almost bordered on being happy. Happy and peaceful are not emotions I am used to and it made me feel uneasy. To say that I have issues would be quite an understatement. What most people don’t realized that every single time in my life I was actually happy, just seemed to be a forbearer of horrible things to come. Being happy basically frightens me. As I sat there taking a few minutes to fully wake up and get my bearings for the day, those uncomfortable emotions quickly faded to be replaced by my normal feelings of dread and anxiety. I know that most people, would be really bothered with that, but not me. I’ve lived with my anxieties for long enough that I’ve turned it into something I can use, I wear that shit like armor. Armor that nothing can get through, or at least so I thought at the time. The past several months though I could feel that iron clad suit of armor I had crafted start to crack, and my answer was to sink even further into my self-imposed depression.
After a while I noticed my clock was reading 5:30, and knowing my parents would be up exactly at six, I had to get my butt in gear. While I was waiting for the shower to warm up I hesitantly stared at myself in the mirror. As I took in my reflection I could feel my anxiety start to build some more. Thanks to my last growth spurt that started right at the end of my ninth-grade year I had jumped to 5’ 11”. If that had been it though I would have been ecstatic, but the growth fairy also sprinkled its dust in other areas. Areas that were getting increasingly more difficult to hide, some to the point of being painful to do so. Once the shower had warmed up I quickly got to business and was drying off just minutes later.
As I made it back to my room I started the process of getting ready for the day. I can barely remember what it was like from before, when I could simply just put clothes on and go out the door. Now it can sometimes take me 45 minutes before I feel comfortable enough to leave the safety of my room. Tending to one of the areas that also had spouted, I started binding my breasts. I honestly had no idea just what size they were, ever since they started to grow I tried to ignore them. Up until a few months ago that had worked, but then they got big enough I had to hide them. I couldn’t let anyone see them, I was a guy damn it! I was supposed to be one at least, or so I thought. It took me almost half an hour just to get them properly bound to where no one would be able to notice them. Getting the rest of my clothes on I was thankful we were finally into fall, wearing long sleeves and pants during the summer here in Mississippi sucked. Dressing took a lot less time than binding, it only took a baggy sweatshirt and overly relaxed fit jeans and to complete my deception. Looking in the mirror I was pleased with my effort. While not overly masculine there weren’t any obvious signs of anything feminine in my reflection, I headed to grab breakfast.
Walking into the kitchen I noticed my parents sitting down eating, as always Mom working a crossword and Pop, what I call my step-dad, with his morning paper. Trying my best to not disturb them I sat as quietly as possible with my breakfast and began to eat. Before I was even a quarter way through my food my Mom started trying to make small talk, which is what I was trying to avoid. I just don’t know what to say to her anymore. We used to be so close and now I’m so afraid of disappointing her any further than I already have. The shame I felt on that fateful day when they learned the truth about what was going on with me still sticks with me. The hurt in their eyes that day still haunts me, I can’t risk hurting them anymore than I already have.
“Morning Robbie, did you sleep well?” she asked still staring at her crossword puzzle. I never know if she is just that engrossed in her puzzle or she just can’t bear to look at her son. My anxiety always makes me think the latter. God why couldn’t I be a real son to them.
“As good as normal I guess, my run yesterday evening took a lot out of me so I slept like a log.” I responded with a mouthful of food. My running, along with regular exercise, has become sort of an addiction to me. What started out simply as a way to try to build muscle and to reduce all the fatty deposits my body had started building has become something I did now to punish my body. The more my body rebelled against me, the more I tried to hurt it.
“You know you push yourself too hard, I’m afraid you’re going to hurt yourself. You never do anything other than school, study, or exercise. Why don’t you ever go spend time with your friends?” she asked.
“MOM! You know why I can’t do that? What if I slip up and someone sees my…? Or someone figures out that I’m a… I mean what will happen if the truth comes out? Life is hard enough as it is! I just can’t risk it Mom, I CAN’T!!” I said in a slightly panicked tone almost hyperventilating. Taking a few moments to get my pulse and breathing to start slowing back down, and also to fight back the tears that were trying to form. I just said, “Besides Jennifer asked if I could help her this Saturday with her Biology test coming up. So, I’ll be out of the house for a few hours.”
“Well that’s good I guess” She sighed, returning to her puzzle and letting me finish my food in peace.
As hard as I tried to just finish eating without thinking about the conversation my mind kept drifting back to Jennifer. She had at one time been one of my closest friends right up until my puberty hit. The more my body started changed the more withdrawn I became, Jen was the only person that kept trying to be my friend. I was never able to fully push her away though, no matter how hard I tried. While I kept trying to retreat further into my protective shield, she actually flourished when she started puberty. She had gone from a rough and tumble rail thin tomboy to one of the most gorgeous girls in the school, so she had people lined up trying to be her friend. While I wished, we could be the friends we used to, I also knew that was impossible. I don’t think I could survive her total rejection if she found out, so we were relegated to just study and lab partners. It just was the way it had to be.
Suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts by Pop clearing his throat and saying, “Umm Son? If you don’t get a move on you’re going to end up late for school.”
I just nodded and shoveled the last few bites down and rinsed off my plate. I gave them both a half-hearted hug goodbye, mostly because I was self-conscious of the multiple ace bandages wrapping my upper torso like a mummy. As I was headed out the door the pain from the binding had already started I just mumbled as I headed out to my car, “This is going to be a long ass day if this is starting already”.
Thankfully, when I pulled my dilapidated old Ghia into my parking spot at school, I saw I had 15 minutes to spare. Thanks to being a lowly sophomore our parking was the lot furthest from anything other than the football practice field, I was going to need almost all that time just to get to my locker and my first class. It would probably be easier if I didn’t have to always take different routes to my classes. If I was predictable it would just make it easier for the bullies that have targeted me to find me. That’s just one of the many things I’ve picked up for self-preservation, forcing myself into my loner exile has made me more noticed by the lesser than honorable crowd.
Thankfully my first class was my AP biology, and I made it with just seconds to spare. As I plopped into my seat next to Jennifer, I winced from the discomfort in my chest and from sitting too fast. Jennifer noticed and asked, “Are you okay? Did the Chris’s get ahold of you already?” She was referring to the two biggest pains in my life, well other than boob one and boob two. Chris Jenkins, and Chris Jacobs were two guys that believed that both of them against one was a fair fight, just as long as they picked on someone they thought they could take solo. I was lucky enough to have been their main target since middle school.
I just shook my head and told her, “Nah, they couldn’t find me this morning, even if they could I doubt they could catch me. I had just overdone it last night and pulled something, I’m okay”.
I could tell that she didn’t believe me, she just sadly smiled and said, “Okay if you say so, now stop talking cause you’re going to get us both into trouble!” I just rolled my eyes at that, and then started to try to focus on the teacher. At least for the next hour I can focus on something elses biology instead of my own. Today it was flatworms, I can live with that. I wish this class could last all day, it’s the only one difficult enough for me to keep me engaged and not drift in my own thoughts.
The next three classes were the more basic courses, US History, English, French II, and Band. While I disliked band, it was either that or PE, and THAT surely wasn’t going to happen. Through those classes I could feel myself sinking even further to the point I was starting to even worry myself. I kept telling myself to just man up and suck it up I’ll be fine. Even I didn’t believe that anymore though.
Lunch was one of the more dangerous times for me, too many other people in one space for me to hide effectively. I was at the mercy of my own luck, which I had no faith in other than it being bad luck. Once I grabbed my food I headed to one of the corner tables so I could keep an eye on everyone. One thing I had read in one of my self-defense books the best way to keep out of trouble was situational awareness, so I kept my head on a swivel. It was then I noticed Jennifer looking dead at me and walking towards me with a very determined expression. Since the only time we ever associated anymore was the two classes we had together and the occasional study sessions at either her or my house, I was confused to say the least. I mean she’s popular and has popular friends, people that wouldn’t even notice me if they stepped on me. As she sat down at the table directly opposite from me I just stared at her in disbelief.
“Robbie will you please tell me what’s going on with you? I can’t just sit back anymore and do nothing. I’ve been worrying about you for a while, but lately you’ve really started scaring me!” She pleaded.
Still in shock I respond, “Jennifer just what the hell are you doing here? What if your friends see you talking to me? Aren’t you worried what they might say? Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine!” I tried to sound as confident as possible.
“Dammit drop the bullshit!! I know you’re not okay and you haven’t been for a while. I’ve watched you go from being this amazingly funny outgoing person, someone who was my best friend in the whole world. I watched you start pushing your friends away, Hell you did the best to push me away and I wouldn’t let you!! Do you know why? Because deep down inside of you I know my best friend is still there, but for some reason you’ve locked him away! For the last time please tell me what’s wrong!! I want to help you!” She exclaimed. I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.
I tried to respond, but the words just kept catching in my throat. I had hurt my parents, and now I realized how badly I had hurt Jennifer as well. My spirits sunk even lower than I thought was possible. I finally managed to get out, “I um... Jennifer, you see... I wish I could tell you...” Sighing, I wiped the tears that had started to leak out of my eyes. I finally came to realize that the best way to protect her from me hurting her anymore, was to finally force our strained friendship to be over. You know that thought of just one big hurt instead of continuous little hurts would be kinder. I finally looked at her and calmly stated, “I’m sorry I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone. The best thing you could do is to just walk away and forget I ever existed!”
“Dammit Robbie you know I can’t do that! Do you know the jocks have started a suicide pool on you? I’m not the only one that sees that you’re in trouble!! Those assholes are betting on the day you’re going to kill yourself! I’m trying to be your friend, please let me!” she pleaded.
Still sure it was the best thing to do, I coldly stated, “Really? Tell me what day you picked and I’ll see if I can help you make some extra money. One friend to another.”
The hurt I saw in her eyes felt like it pierced my very soul. With both hands covering her mouth she stood up and started glaring at me. Finally, she yelled’ “I would never!! How dare you even think that I’d!! That’s it you fucking asshole!! You want me gone, I’m gone!!”
At the commotion, I noticed almost every eye was on me. This isn’t going to be good at all, I had just made one of the friendliest most popular girls in my class cry in front of the whole lunchroom. I should have been filled with fear, now I would have more than just the bullies after me for what I just did. All I could think of if I was really protecting her, why did I have to hurt her so badly. After a moment, I steeled my resolved, thinking she will be better off this way.
I wish I could say I evaded any beatings, but as I finally sat down in Health Class, my last class of the day, I had suffered several confrontations. At least the jocks knew where not to leave visible marks on me. A minute later Jennifer came in and took her seat next to me and refused to look at me. I could see her eyes were still red and puffy. I realized that after what I did, I deserved the beatings I got and will continue to receive for hurting her.
Coach Mason came in right before the bell rang and started the class. As much as I loved biology, because of learning about all the different species of animals and their anatomy, I hated Health due to my own. No matter though how much I hated this class I do admire the Coach. She was the girls’ softball coach and stereotypically the rumor mill assured everyone that she was a lesbian. Coach never did anything to dissuade that notion, and I figured she really was from how her lectures could border on the line of something that would probably get her fired. Today was no exception.
We had been learning about the human reproduction system this week. Some of the jokers in the class would make comments about gay’s being wrong since they couldn’t reproduce, blah blah blah. What can you expect from a bunch of unruly rednecks in Mississippi during the late 80’s, they were just trying to get under her skin. I will give it to Coach, she could always bring the conversations back to where it should be, but she would always tiptoe that line talking about those alternative lifestyles for a few. That brings us to today’s topic.
We were finishing up with the topic of female reproductive organs, which I had ignored totally. That was the last thing I wanted to discuss. Half way through the class, one of the troublemakers asked the question what about those that have both? I just cringed, mostly because I was afraid that Coach would want us to walk down this path. I hate it when my fears are right.
Coach Mason then tells us all about anomalies that occur in humans and animals alike, hermaphrodites were one example. One of the guys jokingly brought up transsexuals, asking something along the lines how do you expect us to believe that’s real?? At this point I’m doing everything I can to ignore the discussion and just squish down even further in my seat. I tried to play it off as it was just hot in the room and I had a sweatshirt on, but I was also sweating profusely. Even Jennifer noticed that, and kind gave me a worried look. The conversation kept on.
It was at the moment Coach was talking about intersex individuals, how some people could be born with both sex organs but one set would stay dormant or only partially formed. I was white knuckled clutching my desk just trying not to pass out. Then I heard Coach say “Some intersexed people could even grow up thinking they were one sex, but then they would start to develop as the other. For example, a guy could hit puberty but then would start developing female secondary sexual characteristics”
I heard a girl in class, I think it was Alicia, then exclaim, “Oh my God! That sounds like it would be so confusing, that would be so horrible!!”
In my near full blown panic attack, when I heard her ask that question I simply thought, you have no freaking idea!!
I was so focused trying to maintain a calm composure, it took me a moment to realize how quiet it had gotten in the classroom. As I looked around I noticed several people near me just staring at me, and then I saw Jennifer. Her face was a mix of shock, surprise, but then I saw it in her eyes. It was realization and she was staring directly at me. At that moment, I knew exactly what had happened, I didn’t think those words I said them.
It probably comes as no surprise the next words out of my mouth were, “OH SHIT!!”
Afternoon of Friday 2nd, October 1987.
“Oh shit oh shit oh shit!!” Kept running through my head, what did I just do? I stared around and most of the people that were looking at me had a what did he say look on their face, the others were just the look of annoyance I regularly received. Jennifer’s stare at me, on the other hand, had a completely different look. She heard what I said, and related it to what was just asked in class. Oh god I am so done! I felt that impenetrable armor that I had crafted over the years from my anger, fear, anxiety shattering. I felt that the class had picked up the conversation again, but I was oblivious and just stared at my hands until the final bell rang. I just started throwing all my stuff in my backpack to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible, my fight or flight response was in high gear and it was screaming flight!
Jennifer gently put her hand on my arm and quietly said, “Robbie we have to talk about this now, I think I understand a little bit.”
I just looked at her, and shook my head no. Tears were streaming down my face now and I didn’t trust my voice at the moment to say anything. I just gently touched her hand on my arm for a minute and easily lifted it off my arm never breaking eye contact with her. Once I let go of her hand I fled out of the room and headed straight to my car.
When I got out of the building I was walking as fast as I dared without breaking into a full jog even though my flight response was in high gear. I heard Jennifer behind me, telling me to wait up, but I just kept my pace. When I approached the sophomore lot I saw three pretty big guys I knew and it looked like they were waiting for something, I had a good idea of what they were waiting for. I knew I could thank my performance in the lunch room for this, these guys never really bothered me except to ask for answers in class. Dammit I don’t have time for this, I’ve never confronted or stood up to anyone before. My preferred response is deception and evasion, but hey this looks like today is going to be a lot of firsts. If I’m lucky they’ll take me out with the first punch.
“Hey we want a word with you, asshole!” Scott yelled out. All three of them were on the football team and Scott was the QB, David a running back, and Perk, no clue what his real name was, a 270lb senior who was the offensive line pretty much.
Strangely enough I felt no fear at this point, just anger. Anger at my slip up, anger at God for cursing me like this, hell at the moment I could have been pissed the sun was shining. It just didn’t matter. As I tried to just brush past them I growled, “Leave me alone guys, now is not the time!”
It was at this moment it felt like time stood still. Perk grabbed my arm spun me around demanding to know what I did to upset Jennifer. As I finished up facing the biggest one of the three, all the self-defense books I’ve read and studied must have just poured out and I drove my thumb as hard as I could into his solar plexus dropping him like a sack of potatoes. David then tried to grab my other arm, and as I swept my leg behind his knees I drove my elbow directly into his chest and he hit the ground hard. Scott then stepped back holding his hands up in sheer surprise at seeing his two biggest and meanest looking friends taken down so quickly by someone like me.
With the adrenaline and all the emotions running through me, I shook my fist and yelled at him, “Leave! Me! The! Fuck! ALONE!”. I didn’t even notice or care that my voice, that I’ve practiced for several years now to make it sound like it had actually changed, slipped and it came out high sounding more like a shrill scream than a yell.
About at that moment Jennifer got to where we were standing, and was definitely shocked at what she saw. Scott still backing up with his hands still in the air. Then as I heard David and Perk start catching their breath and starting to get up, I took off. There is no way I’ll catch them off guard like that again. The flight response was back in full effect.
I finally got the rest of the way to my car and practically dove into the front seat. While I was trying to coax the stubborn old VW to life, my passenger door opened and Jennifer just plopped right down in the seat and shut the door. I stopped pumping the gas and turning the engine over just to glare at her. Finally, I said, “Just what do you think are you doing?”
“I’m not doing anything. You are giving me a ride home.” She stated it simply as fact, no asking, no begging, just that that is what’s going to happen and I have no say so in the matter. Defeated at this point I just slumped my shoulders and finally cranked up the old cantankerous 1600cc and started driving out.
After a minute or two she softly asked, “After everything that has happened today, will you talk to me now? I’m still here Robbie, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not while I’m driving, I’m already a mess and distracted enough.” Gesturing at the car, “Plus he’s ornery enough as is to drive, let alone talk right now”.
“He? Hmm, okay. Fine then we can talk when we get to my house.” After a few minutes went by she mused, “You definitely surprised a lot of people today by what you did to those three. I heard David telling the others that you were a lot stronger than you looked.”
With that said, even though I knew I was dead when my parents find out, I couldn’t suppress a small smile. Where the hell did that come from, I didn’t even know I had it in me to have done what I did to those guys. The rest of the ride to her house was in silence other than the putt, putt, putting of my little Ghia.
We had a few minutes of quiet after I shut down the car outside of her house, she was just intently looking at me waiting for me to speak. Trying to think of where to start, what to say, I just kept sputtering. I probably sounded a good bit like my car at this point. Finally I just say, “Jen... I want to tell you; I just don’t know where to start. You’ll hate me if I do... I just cant...”
Before I could get the rest of it out, she smoothly snatched my keys out of the ignition, and slid out of the car. Before she closed the door, she said, “Dammit you’re going to either talk or walk. It can’t be but 4 or 5 miles to walk”. With that she slammed the door and started heading towards her house. I screamed and hit the steering wheel for about 15 seconds. If she wants to know what’s going on, then FINE! I’ll tell her everything and I mean everything. After she knows the truth she won’t want to have anything to do with me, she couldn’t, could she? With fresh tears forming on my cheeks I slowly start heading into her house.
As I stepped into her living room, I saw she was already in the kitchen fixing some drinks for us. She handed me some Kleenex when she brought the drinks into the living room. I asked if I could call my Mom at work and let her know I’m here because this will take a while. She just nodded so I made the call using a major test next week as an excuse for extra study time. Mom seemed pleased I was starting to spend more time with her, even if it was only studying. Guess hope springs eternal with her or something to that effect. I returned to the living room and sat on the couch. Jennifer sat down next to me with an expectant, almost hopeful look on her face. When she noticed that I was trembling she gently and quietly laid her hand on my arm. With my resolve to keep my secret hidden from her gone, I started my story.
“Okay Jen, no more hiding and no more secrets, that’s what you wanted right?” she just nodded so I continued. “First off I’m going to tell you that you probably won’t believe me, hell I barely believe this myself and I’m the one its happening to. I’m not who you think I am, I mean, not what you think I am.” With me already messing this up she felt my arm tense up in frustration.
“Robbie just take it easy okay, I’m here and willing to listen. That’s bullshit though, because I know exactly who you are. You have been my best friend since we were 8 years old, I know exactly who you are even when your hiding behind that stupid wall you’ve built. Remember PNC’s, forever right?” She was referring to what our parents had said to us that we were just like partners-n-crime from day one. “As for what you are, I’m going to assume from your outburst in class that it had something to do with that conversation about intersex people, right? It can’t be as bad as you’ve been making it seem out to be.”
“It’s actually worse than you could guess.” I paused to wipe my eyes and take a sip of my coke she had given me. After a moment, she squeezed my arm prompting me to continue, “You see the guy that you see right now. Well. Um. He isn’t really a guy anymore, if I ever was one to begin with.”
“What do you mean not really a guy or if you were one to begin with? I’ve seen you naked back when we went skinny dipping in that pond behind your house, when we were what 10? I know that you’re a guy.”, she states as she glances down at my crotch, “I’ve seen it.”
“Do you remember that what you saw was incredibly small, like it had never grown any since I was a baby?” I said.
“Honestly Robbie,” she smiles” Yours is the only one I’ve seen so I don’t have a good size reference. Besides neither one of us cared about that then, I just remembered you had one.”
I had to smile at that memory, a genuine smile, which she noticed and returned one back to me. I placed my hand on top of hers that was on my arm and continued, “That was well before we knew something was wrong, because it never ever grew beyond the size it was when I was born. By the time I was 12 it was obvious that I wasn’t beginning puberty or that my, um thing, looked like it should be on a 2-week old baby. That’s when all the testing began and when my life started falling apart around me.” I started really trembling and started to cry, not just cry but a body wracking full blown sob. Jen didn’t say anything but just leaned in and hugged me till I was past it. When she sat back I could see she had been crying with me, so we just sat there for a minute still holding hands.
“I’m still here” was all she said and nodded for me to continue. So I pressed on.
“They did a lot of tests, including bloodwork, checking all my levels for like everything, other than my hormone levels being extremely lower than they should have been I was perfectly healthy, but that was the reason for my puberty and well, size problems. When they performed an ultrasound to see why my testicles haven’t dropped or to see why they weren’t functioning they found out that I had never had any to begin with. They also found a “void” that they didn’t understand what it was until later.” For some reason, I couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at that, to which she appeared confused.
“Why is that funny? That would be so terrifying!” she exclaimed.
“Trust me it was at the time, just looking back now, this is the part where it starts getting really strange. I feel like I should have Rod Serling narrating this part.” I chuckle, “So the Docs believe that I just wasn’t born with testes so they suggested I immediately start being given testosterone and my body would start puberty and I could live a so called normal life. Hah normal!” I snorted.
“What went wrong? I mean you started puberty. I remember when your voice changed, that and you’ve gotten so tall and strong. I’m confused.”
Going for broke, I relaxed my voice as much as I could and stated, “My voice never changed, but I definitely started puberty”
She pulled back surprised, “Oh my God you sound like a.”
“Girl” I finished for her, “yeah I know. Plus, my Dad was really tall, and as for strong it’s just my insane addiction to exercising, I didn’t get those from puberty. As far as the rest, after about 3 months taking the testosterone I did start seeing changes, just not what we expected. My chest started getting puffy and sore, and my thing started shrinking, as if that was possible. I ended up getting another few weeks of tests before they figured out what was actually happening. Do you remember in health class when they said that all fetuses start out as female?” She nodded so I continued, “Well it turns out that my body can’t process the testosterone, something along the lines its missing the required enzyme or something that converts it to something the body can use. I wasn’t born without testicles; they had just never changed from being ovaries. They had been dormant, but the influx of testosterone signaled something and kick started them into overdrive. My estrogen levels were a bit high but right on track for a girl during puberty.” The brief moment of levity I experience at how fantastical I knew this all sounded was gone, I started to shake again with the weight of what I was about to tell her. Jennifer was too stunned to really say anything so she just nodded and gave my hand another squeeze.
My anxiety had returned full force and I couldn’t just sit there anymore so I stood up and started pacing as I finished, “Puberty kicked and in it kicked in hard. My breasts started growing, my thing kept shrinking. By the time I was 14 we “found out” what that void was. It was my fucking cervix that until then had also laid dormant!” I sobbed. Jen was just to stunned to do anything but sit there staring at me. After a moment I continued, “My body which had only barely been male from birth had started to revert to what it had started as! The “void” started to open up and the summer before I turned 15 I had to have surgery to finish opening it up because the danger of infection was too much!”
Finally getting it all off my chest, I collapsed to my knees and completely broke down. Hesitantly Jennifer came over to me and gingerly embraced me in a hug. I don’t know how long we stayed there, but it took a while for me to finish crying. She helped me stand up and while holding both my hands in hers she stared into my eyes. I don’t know if it was shock, fear, curiosity, but I definitely saw something in her eyes.
“So are you a girl or are you a guy, or maybe something in between”, she quietly asked.
“Jen. I have XY chromosomes so genetically I am a guy, I’m just a guy that started ovulating and menstruating a month after my 16th birthday. Look I understand if this freaks you out and you don’t want to see me ever again, but that is the truth. I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you, I hope you understand why at least”, I said as I turned to start to leave.
She held on to my hands and spun me back around. “Robbie I don’t want you to leave, I told you I’m your friend and I will continue to prove it until you remember it yourself. You do understand this is a lot to take in, a lot of lots. I need to ask you a favor though, please.”
As I looked into her eyes I didn’t see fear, just compassion. I smiled and said, “Of course Jen, whatever you need okay.
She just simply said, “Robbie I need to see. Everything.”
“What do you mean you want to see everything?!” I blurt out.
“Robbie please calm down.” She pleads, “You have to understand how everything you just said must sound to me. I’m trying to believe it, I really am, but it just sounds so impossible. I promise I won’t make fun of you, I just have to see, please. Besides we’ve already seen each other naked, remember? If everything you’re saying is true than you won’t have anything I can’t see on myself. Okay?”
I understood her concerns, and also her curiosity. We also have been skinny dipping a few times, but that was before, well everything. I’ve been this open with her, so I just nod slowly. I tell her quietly, “You have to understand how hard this is going to be for me, but I’ll do it. My parent’s haven’t even seen me like that since the surgery almost a year ago. So do you want me to just drop my clothes here in the living room? Your parent’s are due home soon aren’t they?”
She shook her head, “No, Dad is at some engineering conference in Seattle for the weekend and won’t be back till Tuesday. Mom is pulling a double, one of the ER nurses got her to cover for her, so she won’t be home till after 11. C’mon and we can go to my room okay?” She gently grabbed my hand and led me upstairs.
My heart was racing as we got to her room, she closed the door and locked it. “I guess no time like the present.” I muttered, and proceeded to take off my sweatshirt and grimaced from the discomfort from my bound chest. I could see the concern on her face but I continued. I pulled off my damp t-shirt, still wet from all my sweating today. My skin that was visible around the ace bandages were all splotchy and raw from the heat and irritation. “Oh my God” I heard her say. I asked her if she was still sure about this and she just nodded so I turned my back to her and started peeling off the bandages. I whimpered when the bandages came free and blood started flowing freely into my breasts again, this hurts worse than when I bind them.
“Are you ok?” She asked, concern obvious in her voice.
“Yeah they just complain for a bit after I let them free is all. Here goes nothing, you did say everything.”, I said. I stepped out of my socks and shoes and unclasped my belt. The oversize jeans then just fell off with only gravity helping. After I slid off my boxers I just stood there with my back to her taking some deep breaths I started to turn around. Even though I had my hands positioned to hide my nipples and my crotch, Jen’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “I told you” I remarked.
She gently pulled both of my hands to my side and stepped back covering her mouth with her hands, clearly stunned. I just stood there quietly as she took in my full breasts, my tightly muscled body, and my smooth crotch. A few moments later she slowly stepped forward with her hand reaching out, and before I realized what she was doing she gently caressed my breast. It wasn’t anything sexual or even sensuous, but it felt like there was a shock that startled both of us back into the moment.
“Oh my God they’re real!!”, She exclaimed. “I believed what you told me, or I tried to. Seeing it though, oh my God. This is amazing!”
“It’s not near as amazing from my point of view, trust me. Now you know everything, you’ve seen everything.”, I say with emotions starting to resurface. “Now you know why I’ve been a loner, why I’ve shut people out. I’m so… I’m so so sorry I shut you out, can you ever forgive me.” I start to tremble slightly as tears start running down my cheeks again. Am I ever going to run out of these things?
She just gently steps up and wraps me in a gentle hug and said, “I understand why you did what you did, but I just wish you had of known that you could have trusted me. I’m sorry too that you didn’t know that.” We embraced for several minutes until we both had cried until we couldn’t cry anymore. Before she let me go she whispered in my ear, “In case you haven’t realized it, you are beautiful. But you need a shower BAD, because you stink!” She was smirking as she was holding her nose when she stepped back.
“Yeah, well wearing all those layers, and the “excitement” from today I sweated a lot more than usual. Just hand me my clothes and Ill shower when I get home.” I stated.
“No these things are nasty; you’re not putting them back on until I wash them. Look just go shower in my bathroom across the hall and I’ll go throw these in the washer.” She said fussing at me.
“Oh really? Just then what am I supposed to wear when I get out? Or do you just want me to walking around naked the rest of the evening?” I chastised her.
“Oh. I didn’t think that far ahead”, She giggled, damn her laugh is infectious. “Give me a minute.” She then dug through her desk drawer and pulled out a measuring tape and proceeded to take measurements. She was busying herself and muttering to herself, “Okay a bit smaller in the waist and hips, um wow bigger in the chest.” Thankfully she didn’t comment on the few bruises I had from today’s excitement, I did notice her grimace a few times though. Finally, she handed me a plain bathrobe and shooed me to the bathroom and just told me, “I’ll have something when you get out.”
“Oh great” I mused and started picturing her handing me skirts and blouses, there is no way she’s getting me in a dress. I really did need a shower though, so I turned the water on and hopped in. It took me a few minutes to find the appropriate items with all the different bottles of stuff she had in the tub. Why couldn’t they just be labeled soap and shampoo, and why did everything have to have some exotic flower scent? After I finished drying off I started to put the robe on and was just a bit self-conscious, the damn thing was about 5 inches from my knees. Slightly blushing I head back into her room.
The minute I walked into her room she started handing me items to wear, she had a small pile of stuff on her bed she was sorting through. I looked at what was in my hands, when I saw they were panties I blurted out,” No way!”
“Ugh, look your boxers are in the washer, they are just plain cotton underwear nothing more. Besides they will fit you better since you’re smaller than me in the hips, these are some older ones of mine I can’t wear anymore. Just try them on okay”, She started pleaded. I hate it when she does that, while giving me her sad puppy dog eyes. I always give in, just like now.
Keeping my robe on I slid on the so-called underwear, trying not to think of them as panties. They actually fit fairly well, and actually felt pretty comfortable, I wasn’t about to let her know that though. Next item she handed me were some plain denim shorts, which I didn’t fuss about and slid them up. Then she handed me two more items and said, “I advise you to put on the sports bra, but you don’t have to if you don’t want. It will keep bouncing to a minimum though.” I thought I’d just pass until I saw my nipples protruding prominently through the t-shirt. So, I yanked the tee off and pulled the sports bra on over my head followed by the tee. It didn’t feel too bad; I mean it was snug but it wasn’t painful like the bandages. I then looked into the mirror and was stunned by the sight that reflected back at me. Other than my short hair and my thick eyebrows I saw a teen-age girl, one that with some effort could be cute maybe, but with a fantastic figure. The shorts being a bit loose hung on her hips, and the snug tee showed off her breasts, there was a tiny bit of midriff showing since the tee didn’t meet the shorts fully. If my head wasn’t on her body, I’d almost call her sexy. I shuddered as my psyche took a huge blow at that realization. I had always looked at parts of my body but never my body as a whole. If that makes any sense at all.
When I turned from the mirror she noticed me looking upset and her expectant look turned sour really quick. “What’s wrong? Do they not fit ok? I picked the least girly items that I thought would fit, I promise.”
I smiled weakly, “No the clothes are fine, really. They fit better than anything I’ve worn since... Well since before I can remember honestly. It’s just that when I looked in the mirror I saw me. “I gestured at myself, “Like all of me at the same time, you know, and it caught me off guard. So, what’s next? You going to do my hair, makeup or maybe a manicure?” I joked lightly.
She smiled gently saying, “No I haven’t planned to do those things, unless you want to?” she giggled. “Honestly I thought since you are dressed we could just go downstairs and study till your clothes are dry. No need lying to your Mom, since you said that’s what we were going to do.”
I laughed at that and nodded my head. So, that’s what we did, just study. Occasionally she would fuss at me when I would subconsciously drop to my practiced voice, telling me I didn’t have to do that around her. Every now and then I would notice that she would just start giving me a sly smile, I didn’t figure out why though. About 7:30 I asked her about my clothes and she just got a look of panic and shot up towards the laundry room. I laughed knowing she forgot to stick them in the dryer. I started thinking that I should have been watching the clock like a hawk, to be able to get back into my clothes as quickly as humanly possible. While I felt awkward sitting here wearing my best friend’s clothes, girl clothes at that, I felt oddly comfortable. The shirt was soft and felt good on my skin, the panties weren’t bunching up like my boxers do, even the bra, while confining, wasn’t uncomfortable. What is happening to me? Then I realized something, this whole time of sitting down here that Jen was just treating me like me.
“Sorry I completely forgot about your clothes”, she said sheepishly, interrupting my thoughts, when she came back into the living room. I couldn’t help but laugh and say it’s okay. “Hey are you hungry?” She asked.
I nodded so we went off into the kitchen I gasped when she started pulling out frozen dinners. “No way am I going to let a friend eat frozen dinners on a Friday night! Let’s see what we have in the fridge.” I started rooting around in the fridge and cupboards to see what I could make.
“Oh you going to cook me something? I didn’t know you cooked too.” She joked, but she was definitely thinking something. At this point of the day after everything that had happened I was afraid to ask so ignored it.
“Yeah I cook; I love to cook. Look my Mom is a great cook, but for saving time it’s like she rotates the same 10 things year around. I started teaching myself just to have a better variety.”, I smirked. “Ah ha, this will work.” I said as I started pulling stuff out on the counter.
“Well a girl could get used to this, go ahead and spoil me!” She demanded, laughingly so.
“I don’t think so princess, I’m going to make you work! Here thaw and peel these.” I ordered as I handed her a bag of frozen shrimp.
She tried to pout, but through her laughter couldn’t manage a convincing pout at all. She got to work as I started a pot of chicken broth and started dicing up an onion. We talked and joked while we both worked on dinner for the next 45 minutes. The shrimp asparagus risotto turned out perfect, it was one of my favorite and best dishes I can make. I thought maybe I am spoiling her, but since she’s still here after today she deserves a bit of spoiling.
We were about half way done with our meal and we were so involved in our conversation that neither of us heard the door open. I was in the middle of saying something when I noticed Jen’s eyes grow wide then I heard her mom speak.
“Oh my God! Girls that smells wonderful, so Jennifer who is your new friend?”, Mrs. Cook said.
I spun around in panic and faced her, it took a few seconds for it to register with her and then her eyes opened wide. “Robbie? I thought I heard a girl’s voice?!?”, she said in shock. I jumped up without another word and ran to the laundry room and started pulling my clothes out of the dryer as quickly as possible. Jen was right behind me.
“Jennifer Ann Cook you better tell me just what in the hell is going on!!” Her Mom demanded.
“MOM!! Hold on for just a minute!” she yelled back. As she put her hands on my shoulders, she said much more gently, “Robbie, stop. It’s going to be okay, just calm down. We can explain this to her, we have to. C’mon let’s go back in the kitchen. You can do this.”
With all the stress from the day I was so emotionally spent it was all I could do to keep from just collapsing in the floor at that very moment. I just let her lead me back into the kitchen, never looking up to see her mother.
“Well young lady and young man I am waiting for an explanation!”, her mom demanded.
“MOM, stop! We’ll explain everything just give us a second”, Jen fired back. The gently she put her arms around my shoulders and said softly to me, “Do you want me to tell her or do you want to?
I said, “You do it, I just can’t right now.” The tears yet again started to flow from my eyes.
It took almost an hour for Jen to relate the story with her Mom’s interruptions and questions. I answered some that Jen couldn’t, but for the most part I let her talk. Through the talk her mom got less and less angry for me being dressed in Jens clothes. A few “Oh dears”, and “poor babies” got thrown out, toward the end she just came around the island we were sitting at and wrapped me in a hug and kissed me on the top of the head.
“Sweetie I am so sorry, I had no idea. Your Mom had told me that you’ve been going through some struggles, but never in a hundred years could I have imagined this. I’m sorry I came at you two like I did.” She said trying to comfort me.
Jen, trying to lighten the mood, said, “Well… Mom for one thing you weren’t supposed to be home for another hour and a half.” Her Mom and I both stared at her for a second and started laughing. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the feeling of laughing and crying at the same time.
Mrs. Cook fixed her a plate and sat around the table and talked with us while we all finished eating. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore since I was still sniffling from time to time, but joined in the conversation when I could. A little bit later the phone rang and I noticed the time, 10:00. Crap! Mom’s going to kill me.
Mrs. Cook answered the phone, “Hello? Oh hey Jane, yes he’s still here… I’m so sorry it’s my fault, he had offered to cook us a meal and the time got away from us all… No he cooked a shrimp asparagus rice dish… Yeah risotto, that’s what he called it… Okay, I’ll get them to wrap it up and I’ll send him home… Okay, talk to you soon, bye.”
“So am I dead when I get home?” I asked.
“No she was worried about you sweetie, we all have been lately. She seemed surprised that you cooked for us, but she sounded glad that you did. You do need to get home though.” Mrs. Cook said as she patted my shoulder. I just nodded and saw Jen had already grabbed my clothes.
I was half undressed when I thought about it. “Wait a minute!! What’s your mom going to think me changing in front of you?”
“She knows I saw you earlier Robbie, if she has a problem I’ll talk to her later” she said as she hugged me again. As I started to pull down my panties she said, “Keep them on, I already said they don’t fit me anymore. They’re yours okay.” I just nodded and pulled them back up, strangely the thought of wearing them wasn’t bothering me as much. They were more comfortable than my boxers at least, but I’m not going to let Jen know that. I started to pull the bra off Jen said, “Leave it on, with your baggy sweatshirt you won’t be able to notice your boobs anyway. You’re not binding with these anymore though, we will figure something else out.”
Fully dressed I looked in the mirror and she was right, you couldn’t really notice my breasts unless you knew what you were looking for. Seeing the baggy jeans, and baggy shirt wasn’t giving me the same feeling it used to though. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly but it wasn’t as comforting as it had been to see my shapeless form. Maybe I’m just exhausted so I quit worrying about it. She handed me a bag with my boxers and stuff and she walked me to my car.
I also had to know something so I asked her, “Jen why did you keep giving me those funny looks while we were studying. Don’t deny it because I saw you, this weirds you out, doesn’t it?”
“It does kinda weird me out a bit to be honest, but that’s not why I was doing that. Robbie there were several times while we were studying when you quit being self-conscious about the clothes and you weren’t hiding anymore. I started seeing you again.”
“Huh? Seeing me? Hell, you saw me naked in your room earlier…” I stammered.
Softer she responded, “Robbie I’m not talking about that, I mean I started seeing you.” She softly pointed at my heart and grabbed me in a hug. “I started seeing my best friend coming back, and I’m so happy to see you again. All the other stuff doesn’t matter in the least. Oh by the way I put something in the bag for you to sleep in, I guarantee you’ll like it.” With that she let me go and winked at me. Oh lord I’m almost afraid to know what it is now. We said our goodbyes and I headed home to face the music, when I noticed I felt better than I have felt in… Honestly I don’t know when.
To Be Continued...
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