I nearly blew it, gleefully toying with the hapless Nancy the night before, but Matt managed to talk her down from her panic attack and rebuild her sense of intrigue at the opportunity of an entire day studying the enigmatic, and clearly pathological Katherine.

Nancy still seemed skittish when she and Matt joined me in the lobby to begin our grueling day of guerrilla shooting. True to their word, Rei and Andy had a number of outfits, manufactured overnight and perfectly sized to fit me like a second skin.

Matt had some trouble photographing their ...unusual... fabrics, since the prismatic microfiber outfits ….eluded... being photographed. Nothing looked to the lens as it did to the eye. Andy had warned me about this when I suggested the photo shoot, and I passed his warnings along to Matt. It took Matt some time, but he was stubborn and tenacious. He finally wrapped his head around the different ways the materials appeared to the camera ...and appeared differently to digital imagers and old-style analog film. He adapted his style to the ….synergies... of the fabric and capture medium... and turned quirks into strengths.

To digital imagers, the fabric was all artifacts... seeming to reflect different frequencies and effectively change tint actively under polarities and frequencies of light. Analog film in his Fuji Instant camera captured it as a hologram-like moire pattern, but the real bonanza was digital video, to which the exotic 'mirage-like' fabric appeared as an active, lava lamp like shifting image of changing hues. Kind of like Rorschak in Watchmen, only in full-spectrum shifting colors. It was mesmerizing video, and while magazine stills would only show the moire laced color patterns, the online flash and animated GIF images would show the constantly morphing color shifts similar to the perceptions of the naked eye,

As promised, Matt and Nancy got to see a lot of the tourist spots, including some they might not have been able to see on their own. The volcanic moonscapes of the National Park, where Matt got some shots that made it look like Katherine in her shimmering sheath was rising like a phoenix from the lava flow, even though it was a photographic trick and I was far, far behind it, the heat distortion rising off the lava combined with the shimmering of the fabric made it look like we were all one object. Other designs of Andy's suited glamorous city shots and surreal vistas on pumice-black beach sands. My favorite piece was a one piece swimsuit that looked like a nondescript gray film when I held it in my hand, but once on, looked more like fine glistening rainbow scales painted on my bare flesh. It was so thin and light, it felt like I was wearing nothing at all. I could feel the heat of the sun and the tickle of the breeze on my flesh, and every goosebump showed, yet the suit radiated a multicolor shimmer that changed with every angle, and looked far more concealing than it felt.

Since it was a swimsuit, and we were in Hawaii, I was determined to wear it in the water. Matt was not happy with that idea, so I humoured him and let him exhaust himself taking every conceivable shot on and around the beach. When he finally ran out of ideas, I finally brought out my 'secret weapon' to convince Matt into shooting me in the water.

When Andy and Rei showed it to me, I thought it was a joke. Maybe it really was. Still, they went to a lot of trouble to construct it while they were fabricating the rest of the outfits for this shoot, and the longer I looked at it, the less it seemed like a joke than an intriguing item I found myself growing more eager to try. The Mermaid tail was startlingly realistic. If any prosthetic part of a fabled creature can be called realistic. The color morphed from the deepest black at the crescent of the fin, lightening to the pale turquoise of the swimsuit where it joined below the sternum. I was intrigued, and as a lifelong swimmer, really wanted to know how it felt to propel through the water with an actual hydrodynamic tail. I knew that when we got to the swimsuit section of the shoot, I would have to find a way to lure Matt into the water so that I could try out this intriguing new toy.

As it turns out, all I really needed to do was show him the tail. His eyes went wide as it caught the light and shimmered with that same rainbow effect as the suit. I'm still not sure he believed me that the tape-sealed trashbag would protect his cast, but he seemed eager to risk it.

I rented a surfboard, and finally managed to talk Matt into a 2 person kayak, dragging Nancy along like a reluctant witness, he paddled out beside me as I took my board out far from the beach.

There were a few other surfers in this area and the waves seemed OK if not great. Still, it had been ages since I surfed, but I always enjoyed it and felt I wasn't half bad at it. I was in Hawaii and I was not inclined to let issues like the fact that I was posing as a famous supermodel sporting an experimental swimsuit that was thinner than a coat of body paint, deter me from the opportunity to catch a wave in paradise.

But the surfing would wait. The first thing I wanted to try was the tail. I brought my board up beside the kayak and Nancy awkwardly handed me the tail she held across her lap. Matt reached into his gear stash and pulled out his SLR, handing another to Nancy and showing her how to shoot video while he fired off a barrage of stills. Meanwhile I lay on the board trying to wriggle into the tail. There were no instructions on this, so it took some trial and error. I realized I couldn't do it laying on the board and once, to my horror, it slipped away from me and into the water. My alarm was quickly replaced by relief as I noticed it bobbed just below the surface. I should have known Rei would have taken buoyancy into account when designing the thing. I then plopped into the water and tried to slip my pointed toes in from there. That succeeded instantly and I realized that I had been overthinking all along. The odd outrush of seawater as it was displaced by the volume of my legs and lower torso slipping into this custom fitted appliance was only the first new sensation of what would be an eye opening experience. The inside at first felt slimy, like some disturbingly lifelike fishing lures my father had. I remember as a small child finding them and picking one up only to recoil and shriek at the disgustingly mucous-like feel. I recalled how much he laughed as my mother tried to convince me that I had washed my hands enough and there was no trace of those disgusting things on my fingers, even though I was sure I could still feel the slime. This time, I reacted much better. It was still a startling and unpleasant sensation, but I just continued to slither into the thing and wriggled the top up to my sternum, where it fit snugly and literally seamlessly blended into the suit below my ribcage.

I could tell from Matt and Nancy's looks that even though they didn't have a great view, they were as startled as I was to see it blend invisibly into the suit for an amazingly realistic effect. I ducked down below the surface and gave it a little spin. It didn't take any time to get used to it, since it held my legs so tightly together, and the material quickly matched my body temperature, it was easy to forget that I had two limbs moving in unison and quickly felt like the tail was simply an extension of my lower body.

It was everything I'd imagined and more. The thrust I could get from the tail was exhilarating. I bobbed and weaved through the water and came up to the Kayak with a grin so wide it hurt. Matt and Nancy seemed to share my excitement.

“How does it feel?” Matt asked with a huge smile.

“Amazing!” I beamed. “Like I was born with it. I can't believe how quickly it just felt natural. And how easy it is to use!”

Matt beamed back. I looked at him and then turned to Nancy. “Let's shoot this. You guys ready?”

Matt raised his camera and Nancy just stared. I motioned for her to raise her camera. When she did I gave her a questioning look. Finally she gave me a sheepish thumbs-up. “Don't stop until I say. OK?” I said with a grin. They both nodded.

And I plunged below the surface seeing what this thing could do. I darted to and fro, around and under the kayak, then over to my board which had drifted a few metres away. I wasn't afraid of losing it because I knew it couldn't get too far away for me to quickly fetch it with this tail. I swam under the board and came up on the far side, resting my elbows on it, looking across to Matt and Nancy on the kayak. I then slowly let my lower torso float up under the board and rest below the surface, the dim silhouette of the tail faintly visible. I heard Matt laugh and knew he got the shot.

Then I got a really crazy idea. While resting on the board, I began breathing fast and deep, hyperventilating. I don't think they could tell from the kayak. I did a few poses with the board to keep them distracted, then when I began to feel lightheaded and on the verge of passing out, I knew my bloodstream was saturated and it was time. I filled my lungs with as much air as I could and dipped below the surface. I swam down, way down. As fast as I could until it really began to hurt, then I arced over and raced for the surface, seeing the outline of the kayak and surfboard against the sunlight through the water, I planned to come up about a meter from the kayak. I only hope Matt and Nancy were able to see me as I sped their way. I broke the surface about ten feet in front of the kayak, which was facing the beach, so I knew we'd have a great distant backdrop if this idea worked. I had enough speed to break the surface with a loud pop in my ears and found myself airborne – as hoped. I kept thrashing until I felt the water resistance give way and jacknifed to nose back into the water, arms tight to my sides. I knew this would hurt more, but I figured it would look far better, and the image would be worth the temporary pain. I kicked my legs back, hoping I wouldn't arc too far and land on my back. Luck was with me and I was straight as an arrow when I knifed back into the water.

I was really out of breath by then, so I twisted onto my back and broke the surface. Still swimming quickly away from the kayak, with my collarbone upward above the water. I let out a loud 'whoop' which got the attention of nearby surfers, and laughed with joy.

“Please tell me you got that?” I yelled to Matt and Nancy through my laughs.

They just stared at me stunned. Matt was frozen. Nancy nodded slightly.

“Still shooting?” I asked through my gasps. I was really winded but really hellbent on recharging and going again.

They nodded as if in a daze.

I played around with some arcs, not full in-air stunts, that was exhausting and stung more than expected when I hit the water with my head and face. I imagined I was lacing a shoe and just did a series of arcs, getting the hang of loud slaps with the tailfin as I disappeared below the surface. I tried to do that thing I'd seen dolphins do, thrusting themselves out of the water and falling backwards, their tails keeping their bodies almost entirely out of the water until, exhausted, (as I learned) they finally collapsed back below the surface. I didn't know if I actually got that move, but Matt and Nancy seemed quite excited by what they were capturing. After what seemed like ages, but was probably no more than 10 minutes, I was spent. I bobbed my head and torso above the water about five feet from the kayak, Matt and Nancy still shooting, and shot them a smile of satisfaction and exhaustion that looking back on it, seemed scandalously post-coital. I knew that from what was exposed, it just looked like me in the sexy swimsuit standing in about 5 feet of water. Then I sank down, stuck the tail up and let it disappear into the water. I had an idea in my mind's eye how that could look, especially on video. And 'nutty Nancy' bless her heart, did not let me down.

I bobbed back up and shouted “cameras down! I'm exhausted.” I swam over to the board and dragged it alongside the kayak. “Help me get out of this thing.”

Matt and Nancy were as helpful as they could be. Which wasn't very. I didn't want to tip the kayak and plunge Matt into the drink. I didn't think his cast would get wet, but it would be that much more unwieldy not to mention heavy, in the water. And if he fell out, I had no idea how to get him back in.

I gave up the struggle to remove the tail. I was too fatigued to wrestle with it, so I asked Matt and Nancy if we could just take five while I recharged. They agreed and bent down to study the shots on their screens. I propped myself onto my board, laying on my back and enjoying the warmth of the sun and gentle sounds of the lapping water.

I heard the staccato of shuttersounds and realized what Matt was doing. I was surprised but not annoyed. I just smiled, keeping my eyes closed.

I was absentmindedly sloshing 'my tail' in the water, since between my long frame and the extra length of 'the appliance', the board was nowhere near long enough to keep ALL of me out of the water. As delicious as it was to just bask in the sun, I reminded myself that we still had work to do. I thanked Matt and Nancy for giving me the time to rest and regroup, and told them that as soon as I got myself out of the tail, we could get back to work and they could get back to shore. Matt seemed really eager to get back to land. I don't know if that was because of his cast. It occurred to me that growing up in Montana, he might not be comfortable being on the open ocean a fair distance from shore.

I tried to take off the tail the way I put it on, but being in the water was not the way to get the tail off. Whenever I tried to wriggle out of it, I just propelled myself through the water. It was kind of funny, but also frustrating. I finally rolled myself back onto the board and tried to peel it off in the open air. I sat up and rolled down the top. The seal was so tight and flush, it was really tricky to get a grip on the top to begin to roll it down. I caught a grinning Matt photographing my struggles with the tail and motioning Nancy to shoot video of my plight. I finally managed to get the tail rolled down my torso, it was very thin and quite slippery. I'd get it rolled down to my belly button, then I'd slip and it would unroll back up my torso until I slapped a hand in its way to interrupt its 'reattachment'.

Matt made no attempt to hide his amusement at my battle with the uncooperative tail, and kept shooting fusillades of photos.

I finally managed to get it rolled down to my hips and was squirming to get it down past my backside, the fin splashing in the water, Matt laughing and clicking away and Nancy silently studying me through the viewer of her video camera, when all hell broke loose.

Suddenly I found myself underwater and felt myself being powerfully pulled down deep. Just as suddenly I felt myself flailing violently from side to side and was trying to figure what the hell just happened. I popped out of the tail. Or more accurately, the tail was violently jerked off of me.

Suddenly freed, I quickly darted for the surface and popped up like a cork. I turned to see a stunned Matt and Nancy, cameras still held in front of their faces while they stared wide eyed in my direction. But they weren't looking at me. I turned my gaze to see what they were staring at and caught a large shadow flailing in the water.

“Oh shit.” I said under my breath.

The shadow continued flailing and slowly chunks of the silicone tail floated to the surface.

I spun around in the water trying to locate my board. It was about twenty feet away. I scrambled for it, suddenly feeling how inadequate my two kicking legs were compared to the magnificent tail, which now floated in mangled pieces around me.

I was just about to haul myself onto the board when I heard Nancy scream. And the board exploded from under me. Actually it suddenly nosed up into the air and shattered under me.

I was as close as I was ever going to be, but the intruder's attention was on tearing up the board. I figured surprise would never be more on my side.

I folded my legs up to my chest and extended them like a piston. I was really glad I was a runner and had long muscular legs. When my tightly clenched heels landed between the dead dark eyes, I felt a crunch, and I knew it wasn't ME.

The shark was stunned. I knew my only chance was insane aggression. I had to deliver as many blows as I could before the beast finally came out of its daze and began to realize what hit it.

I remembered watching all those shark videos with uncle Kevin. I hated them. They were gory and violent and uncle Kevin couldn't get enough of them. I think what bothered me most was that I was sure uncle Kevin was always rooting for the shark.

As much as I despised watching them, I did learn a thing or two. The prevailing wisdom was that the shark was used to being the predator and was usually bewildered to find itself the prey. It seemed the only defense was an all-out offense.

I thought the shark was beginning to gather its wits. I gave it another strong heel-kick, this time right in the eye.

It thrashed violently and I suddenly was sure it was not going to go away.

The tail was shredded and bobbing all around me. The board had been shattered and big chunks floated around me, none large enough to keep me out of the water. I was screwed. I flashed on a scene in a movie I once saw where a guy was struggling to make his way out of a jungle after his plane crashed when he suddenly found himself eye to eye with a tiger. I suddenly knew how he must have felt.

Just as suddenly I had another thought. It was totally nuts and probably suicidal, but I figured I was totally screwed anyway, so a longshot was better than a guaranteed disaster. I smirked at the fact that the shark had no clue what I was about to do. As it swam under me I thrust out my legs and grabbed it, locking them around its torso, my knees in front of its fins like side pegs. I planted myself on top of it and clutched the dorsal fin behind my back like I was holding on for dear life on the back of a motorcycle. The only way to avoid being eaten by the tiger was to ride it.

This felt more like riding a bull. Or so I imagined. Since he was from Montana, I would have to ask Matt about that. If I survived.

The harder the shark thrashed, the tighter my legs viced around its torso. It swam deep and I thought I was screwed. But before I panicked and bolted for the surface, it must have decided this wasn't working and sped for the surface itself. It broke the surface and tried to slap me against the water to shake me off. I was so panicked I just clawed the tail tighter in my hands and squeezed my legs into its body with all my might. It plunged deep again and as it dove down I noticed exactly where my clenched legs were wrapped. Tightly around its gills. I think I was strangling it and had not even realized it. I wondered if it was so freaked at being choked that it would just flee quickly if I let it go. Or would it be so angry it would turn on me and tear me to shreds? I would have to decide quickly since we were diving deeper and I would soon be out of breath.

Before I could decide, I was thrown off the beast. It hadn't shaken me off. My legs were wrapped too tight for that. But this was much more violent. It felt like being T-boned by a car.

I was disoriented and knew whatever was going on, I had to head for the fresh air. I wasn't sure which way was up, so I curled into a fetal position and stayed motionless until I noticed which direction I was floating and began swimming in that direction with all my strength. I sensed a lot of motion and chaos around me and figured that at any moment I could be shark food, but I remained focused on making my way to the surface, since that was the only thing in my control.

My lungs were on fire but I finally broke the surface like a popping cork and gasped for air. The moment I became aware of anything beyond my heaving gulps of breath I noticed Nancy's shrieking screams. The Kayak was about 20 metres away. Nancy was staring at me in abject terror, camera still gripped tightly in her hands. Matt wasn't much more restrained. His eyes were wide as he stared at me, his own camera hanging around his neck. I looked down and was surprised and relieved to find that I seemed to still be in one piece, but there was a chaotic shadow play about 5 metres below me. There were a number of very large shadows tangling below me. I was thankful for the brief respite and chance to gather my wits, but still thought I was likely done for.

For lack of any better ideas, I began slowly, quietly gliding toward the kayak. There was no way I could climb on board without plunging Matt and Nancy into the drink, so it wasn't really refuge. Still, I thought maybe the large shadow might be a deterrent to whatever was tangling deep below my feet.

I yelled to Matt. “Use your camera!”

“Are you nuts?” he yelled back.

“Nothing you can do. Nothing I can do. Whatever happens... at least get a record of it.” I scowled.

“That's crazy!” He barked.

“I'm open to better ideas. That's all I can come up with.” I frowned.

He regarded me for a moment and reluctantly raised his camera.

I smiled bitterly. “You may earn your paparazzi wings after all.”

Matt let out scornful grunt. But he kept the camera up.

Nancy shrieked again and Matt gazed into the water.

“Oh shit!” He barked.

I looked down to see the scrum of shadows break up and two shadows head quickly in my direction.

“Just get the damned shot!”

“Wish it was with a gun.” Matt grumbled.

“You and me both. Next time. If there is one.” I said while treading water and waiting for whatever was heading my way.

I felt the wake hit my legs as the shadow brushed by me.

Nancy screamed again as the fin broke the surface.

I broke into a grin and barked a laugh as Matt stared at me with confused dismay.

Matt grew up in Montana, I have no idea what was going through Nancy's mind, but I grew up near the ocean. And I spent too much of my childhood watching shark videos with uncle Kevin. I knew the moment the dorsal fin broke the surface and I saw the shiny gray back beneath the it, what had happened over the last few frantic minutes and grinned with relief.

Matt stared at me. He was still freaked and perplexed at my sudden grin.

“That's not a shark!” I smiled as another dorsal fin broke the surface near it.

Suddenly the 'hit by a car' thing made perfect sense. I began laughing with relief, all the adrenaline bubbling out through my laugh like a case of the emotional bends.

The fins turned and headed in our direction. I caught Matt flinch, but could not curb my relieved laughter. The sudden spout from the blowhole jarred Matt and Nancy from their tense frozen pose. Quickly they put it together and the surprise and relief swept over their faces too.

My two protectors swam around me as I gathered up the bits of shattered board and handed chunks of silicone tail to Nancy who stuffed them into the kayak.

I ran my hand over them as they brushed beside me and I suddenly thought I knew what they were up to.

I saw the shadows of three or four other members of the pod a few metres away, but clearly these two had a plan.

“Toss me the tow rope” I yelled to Matt. He seemed confused why I wanted it, but dutifully tossed it into the water near me. I looped the rope around my waist and grinned to Matt. “Hold on!” I beamed at Matt and Nancy and held my arms out to my side as my two rescuers swam up next to me and I gently grabbed the base of a dorsal fin with each hand.

I thought the experience of playing with Rei and Andy's prosthetic toy was amazing, but I was humbled at the experience of getting a ride toward the shore from my two guardian angels.

They were swift and agile swimmers, we sped toward the beach at a mighty clip. I was gliding between my two guides, propped on a shard of surfboard, shoulders out of the water looking straight ahead at the quickly approaching shoreline. I heard the flurry of shutter clicks from behind and twisted my head around to see a grinning Matt leaning out of the kayak firing off shots of me and my two companions, his kayak being tugged in our wake.

Someone on shore must have noticed something odd at the kayak swiftly cruising toward the beach. Then I'm sure they saw the silhouette of the figure ahead of the kayak cutting through the water. I felt like a displaced figurehead on the bow of an invisible ship. As we got a few hundred feet from shore I felt my escorts ready to break off. I gave them a little rub and wiggle with my palms and let go as they broke away like aerobatic jet fighters peeling away at right angles. I had a good deal of momentum and low drag from the chunk of board I propped myself on. At some point the lower-drag kayak overtook me. I dove under and felt the kayak pass overhead, un-cinched the tow line and wrapped it in my hands, body surfing behind the kayak as Matt and Nancy paddled the last few metres to shore.

There was a rather large crowd waiting for us on the beach and I saw EMTs running from the parking area. I noticed lots of camera phones were raised as we waded out of the water.

A guy in orange trunks ran into the water as we nearly reached the shore. Since I was so tall, I was able to get my footing and begin walking the kayak in while rescue-boy was still making a big show of diving into the water to 'save us'. When he swam out to us I snarked. “Good timing Hasslehoff.”

He seemed stunned at my quip and stopped swimming... and made to stand with me.

And instantly sank below the water. Popping back up to the surface and staring at me with bewilderment. I just continued to wade in, towing the kayak. As we got a little closer to shore, he was finally able to touch the sand and walked with us.

“I just found out!” He kind of barked, kind of whined. “Some surfer came in and ran up to me screaming to call 911. He said there was some surfer being attacked by a swordfish or something. I grabbed my binoculars and saw a commotion and something really huge, but you were way way out. TOO FAR out!” He scolded.

“That was by design. We were doing a photo shoot and wanted to be away from any crowd.” I said with Katherine's patented deadpan.

The lifeguard took a better look at me and I sensed the lightbulb going on over his head. I'm not sure he knew who I was, but between my vaguely familiar face and the outrageously thin sparkly swimsuit, and the expensive cameras around the necks of my companions in the kayak, he quickly put together my photo shoot comment.

“Still, that was pretty far out. Were you attacked?”

I smirked at him and held up the shard of board I had glided in on.

He stared at the now obvious evidence of how violent the attack was.

“Oh my god! What the hell attacked you?”

“I think it was a tiger shark.”

“No that was no Tiger Shark. Maybe a great white, but even then..... it was really far out and I should have had stronger binoculars, but even I saw the size of that tail. That was NO tiger shark!”

Suddenly it all fit together. I burst a laugh before catching myself. I forced it down to a chuckle and shook my head. “No.... that was... um... me....”

He stared at me blankly as I pulled the kayak to my side and reached behind Nancy where she stowed the shreds of the silicone tail. I grabbed the mostly intact large tail fin and pulled it from the kayak.

I wish Matt had his camera up then, because I would really love a permanent record of the look on that lifeguard's face. I just shrugged and made an apologetic expression.

“...Photo shoot...” I repeated.

He just stared at me and the tail. I think he was trying to wrap his brain around the scene I hinted at. And failing.

“I don't think you were the only one confused by the tail.” I scowled slightly. “I'm pretty sure it was a tiger shark. And I think it mistook me for ….lunch.” I shrugged.

He just stared at me.

“You were both mistaken.” I said through Katherine's pencil thin smile.

By this time we were nearly out of the water. I dragged the kayak onto the beach as the EMTs rushed toward us.

“Who was attacked?” One said, alarm in his voice. They rushed to Matt who was struggling to extricate himself from the kayak. I smiled. He was really the one among us who did need the most assistance. The EMTs stared at his trash bag wrapped stiffened leg with confusion.

“He's keeping his cast dry. Could you check and see if he succeeded?” I shouted to them.

The EMTs were still mildly confused but they attended to Matt and Nancy while I watched with crossed arms from a few metres away.

“Who was attacked?” They kept asking. Finally Matt and Nancy paid attention to their repeated questions and stared at me. The EMTs spun their heads around to stare at me, arms crossed, giving the whole crazy scene a pencil thin smile.

“Oh, I'm fine.” I smiled dismissively, waving my hands up and down my body.

I think it was then the EMTs noticed the barely there suit and the alarmingly tall and familiar looking woman smiling to them. They were determined to examine me and be sure I was fine.

I kept them at arms length. Literally. I pointed out that all the arms and legs were intact, there were no bite or even scratch marks on my weirdly shiny body. I think it may have been some weird residue from the silicone tail, and I remembered arguing with my mom about washing off the icky feeling when I was a small child and had my first encounter with my fathers slimy silicone lures. They insisted I accompany them in the ambulance to the hospital for a thorough exam.

They didn't get the memo about arguing with Katherine Keller.

Eventually they had me sign a series of waivers refusing medical attention and even refusing to make a police statement.

“What? Are you going to issue a warrant for the shark?”

The cop shot me a confused look.

“What's the point? Don't you have enough paperwork or something?”

“I have to file a report. Ma'am.”

“Talk to the lifeguard then. He knows how to file those sorts of things.”

“We need a victim statement too.”

“Do I look like a victim?” I said to him, channeling that Katherine 'go ahead, cross me' attitude.

He shook his head. “I really need a....”

“Look. You need witness statements? Talk to the crowd on the beach. Everyone's dying to tell you their story. I'm not a victim. You think I'm a witness? My statement is 'I have nothing to say'.”

“But....”

“What? Do you want me to take the fifth? OK. Maybe I started it and the shark was the victim and I have nothing to say because it might incriminate me. Is THAT the statement you want to take???”

He shook his head, perplexed that I was being so difficult.

“Look. Everyone else on this beach is dying for their 15 minutes of fame. Pick someone. I've had more than my 15 minutes and just want to get back to my hotel. I've had ….kind of a full day....”

He scowled and reluctantly agreed to let me go, insisting on my contact information if the department needed anything more. I gave him Dennis' mobile number and knew he would deflect anything else the authorities tried to get from me.

Matt and Nancy were finally beginning to recover their wits.

“I think we've got enough for today's shoot.” I said in Katherine's deadpan.

Matt stared at me as blankly as Nancy. Oh, God. I hoped she wasn't rubbing off on him.

“What say we all just head back to our hotel?”

They nodded mutely. Still somewhat dazed.

Then a thought hit me and I scowled. I held up a finger.

“One thing first.” I muttered.

Matt and Nancy followed me silently while I took the salvaged shards of the board and walked toward the rental shop.

The shop guy saw us coming from a distance. Followed by the rather large crowd that surrounded us like a cloud since we made our rather unusual entrance back to the beach.

I was still a few metres away when I held up the largest chunk of board.

“So much for my security deposit.” I laughed walking up to his lean-to.

He gaped at me and the obviously torn apart board, seeing the curve of the bite mark at the broken end.

“What the hell happened?” He gasped.

I shrugged. “If I told you, you wouldn't believe it.”

He just stared at me and the large crowd. I beckoned Matt and Nancy from the crowd, cameras still around their necks.

“I don't even want to try explaining what happened. Can you guys help?” I smiled.

They just stared blankly back. Finally I rolled my eyes and glared pointedly at their cameras. Matt finally got it and stumbled up to the guy, scrolling through the shots on his back screen. Nancy saw what he was doing and joined him, fumbling with her own camera.

I saw the surf shop guy looking baffled, then startled, then alarmed. The crowd tried to press in but I gave them the Katherine 'death-glare' and continued to marvel at how effectively it worked. It was like a force field. Whenever someone would try to horn in, I'd fixate on them and they'd back off. I wondered if this super power was exclusive to Katherine or if I'd be able to harness it myself when I returned to life as Elsie.

The board shop guy wasn't speechless, but the sounds he was making didn't seem to be words. Still, I think anyone, whatever language they spoke, would understand him as he vocalized watching Nancy's video.

“So.” I interrupted. They broke off gaping at the screens to look up at me. “I obviously don't expect my security deposit back.” I grinned. “I think the right thing to do is buy that board.” I shrugged.

He surprised me and shook his head emphatically, grabbing the board from me and running his fingers over the bite marks. “No way! I'm keeping this!” he exclaimed. Then he looked up at me sheepishly “...I'll even refund your security deposit... if you'll do one thing.” he grinned.

I was a little anxious at posing for photos with the guy and his mutilated board. Not because of any shyness on my part or worrying about Katherine's reaction. I was ambivalent about posing in the really revealing swimsuit, especially since the whole point of the shoot was for an upcoming campaign for the summer swim season. I worried I'd be leaking glimpses of next years car model or something. The problem resolved itself when the surf shop guy sheepishly asked if I'd pose for the photo in a tee he brought out from his shop.

I had to laugh. First it was so large, it fit me like a dress. Of course on my tall frame, the XL men's tee only came down to my crotch, but it was far enough to cover Andy & Rei's still-secret swimsuit. I gladly agreed to pose for selfies and even a few professional shots Matt promised to email the guy to use in his shop with he and I posing with the mangled board, him beaming and me displaying awkward mirth wearing the “RIDE HARD” tee with his shop's logo.

Finally we were on our way back to the hotel. The day was catching up with Matt and Nancy, and the exhaustion was beginning to show on their faces. I began wondering if Andy and Rei were expecting their tail back. They DID custom make it for me, but maybe they wanted to add it to their office décor. I wondered how I would explain it to them. I needn't have worried.

When we got back to the hotel, Dennis and Mikey were pacing in the lobby.

“Oh my GOD girl! What the HELL????” Dennis greeted me with alarm from across the lobby, turning all heads. I just shrugged and waved my hand discreetly at my waist signaling him to cool it.

Dennis was having none of it.

“No. Just... NO.” he glared at me. “I just got off the phone with the POLICE!”

All eyes were riveted on us and I could sense the mobile phones rising. The lobby was not the place to be having this conversation. I just walked to the lift, eyes locked on my destination, ignoring Dennis, Mikey and everyone in the crowded lobby. I could sense Matt and Nancy following me like zombies, also ignoring everything around them, more out of shock than determination.

I entered the lift, shooting a glare that cleared the car as if I'd set off a firecracker. Matt and Nancy close in my wake. I turned and held the door, staring to Dennis in the lobby. He snorted and stormed to join us in the lift, Mikey scrambling behind him.

As soon as the doors shut, Dennis nearly shouted “...POLICE?”

“They wanted a witness statement.” I said matter-of-factly. That just agitated Dennis more.

“WITNESS???”

I shrugged. “I had nothing to say, and I was not going to go to the station and waste the afternoon.”

“WITNESS???”

“Exactly. Not a suspect. Not a perp. Just a witness. And I have nothing to say.”

“Witness to WHAT?”

“The photo shoot didn't go exactly as planned.” I said quietly.

“Oh, girl.... what did you DO???”

I scowled and looked him in the eye. “This time it wasn't me.”

Dennis just stared at me. I turned to Matt and Nancy. “Was it.” I asked. They shook their heads, still obviously dazed.

Then I thought about it and screwed up my mouth in an ambivalent smile. “....well, it wasn't entirely me....”

Dennis and Mikey just stared at me. Matt and Nancy gave me a different kind of stare. I just plastered on Katherine's poker face and regarded them back. No one spoke for a long, tense time.

Nancy of all people broke the silence, and for once the tables were turned. We all stared, stunned while she exploded at us.

“How can you be so sanguine? You were nearly KILLED?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “Nah. Probably just bitten. A limb or so at most. I'm too bony.”

She just stared at me, fury across her face.

“What is your malfunction???” she yelled, She walked straight up to me and started jabbing at my temple. “What the hell is going on up there? I know you don't do happy or friendly or apparently sad or even scared for God's sake!” Her face was so red I thought she was going to have an anyeurism. “So you only do angry. I get it. I still can't understand it, but I get it. All you do is angry. But still.... what the hell is going on up there that you ATTACKED A FUCKING SHARK!!!???”

Her outburst was so profoundly over-the-top, it took everything I had not to laugh at it. But looking at the shock on Matt's face and the stunned bewilderment on Dennis and Mikey's face tempered my mirth.

“You attacked a shark?” Dennis said, expressionless.

“You attacked a shark???” Mikey beamed at me. Then turning to Matt and Nancy “...please tell me you got that!!!”

I shook my head. “I did NOT attack a shark....”

Everyone stared at me. It seemed no one was buying it, but it also seemed that everyone had a different reason.

“I just fought back.” I muttered.

Dennis and Mikey went wide eyed, Matt reluctantly nodded, and Nancy just glowered with fiercely crossed arms.

We got back to our suite and I had Matt and Nancy show Dennis and Mikey the playback from their camera screens, my cousin and Katherine's P.A. were nearly as mute as my two kayak companions. I tried to ignore the four sets of eyes boring into me and keep things light.

“So, while the shoot didn't go entirely as planned, I think we got some good stuff.” I said airily. I was trying mightily to keep it light, but my companions weren't helping at all.

“Although now I'm thinking maybe less Vogue and Glamour and more Animal Planet and National Geographic?” I smiled sardonically.

All four glared at me.

“Look. I don't think the shark attacked me...”

Matt and Nancy both started to speak but I quickly cut them off.

“I think it was a case of mistaken identity. The shark mistook me for something else. Something more tasty.”

“Because of your tail.....” Matt muttered, nodding.

I nodded back as Dennis and Mikey were about to interrupt the moment Matt said 'your tail'. I quickly plowed over them. “It seemed very important to make it clear to the shark that I was not what he was expecting.”

“So you attach yourself to it like a barnacle?” Nancy barked.

“More like a rodeo rider.” Matt grinned.

I smiled back at him. “Yeah. That's how it felt. In the moment all I could think was 'ride the tiger'."

Matt nodded, grinning. “Yeah. I can see that.”

“You RODE a SHARK???” Dennis exclaimed.

“It's not as fun as it sounds” I shrugged. Matt grinned. Nancy glared.

“I was trying to figure how to ...ummm... dismount. But I lucked out.”

“Yeah, What did you do? That shark was freaking out, trying to throw you!” Matt laughed.

“Can I see your camera?” I asked. He pulled it away from his chest, strap still around his neck, so he could look over my shoulder as I scrolled through his shots. “....There!...” I smiled as I showed him the photo. He looked lost until I pointed it out with my finger. Matt barked a loud laugh.

“What?” Dennis and Mikey asked nearly in unison. Matt turned his camera around grinning and pointed to my legs digging into the shark nearly completely covering its gills.

“Oh my GOD girl!” Dennis looked at me with wonder and clear distress.

I shrugged. “I'd like to say it was deliberate.... and if YOU end up using this move in a screenplay..” I leered at Mikey “...make it deliberate!”

He grinned back and nodded.

“And wait.... what's this about a tail?” Dennis demanded.

“It's a LONG story.” I sighed. “NOW do you see why I didn't want to give a 'witness statement' to the police?”

Dennis laughed and nodded.

“So these two need to unwind for the night.” I cocked my head at smiling Matt and glaring Nancy.

“And normally after a day this eventful, I'd crave a good soak....”

I heard Matt snort.

“....but this time, not so much.... I just want to lie down.” I smiled wearily.

“You have a dinner with Mr Lehmann and the executive vice president of the music division...” Dennis started to say, but caught himself. “But I'm sure when I explain, they'll understand...” he shrugged. Then grinned. “Oh God. How will I ever explain?...”

Mikey cut him off, holding up his iPad. “Just send them this link.” he grinned.

It was a link to TMZonline with a montage of 'eyewitness' accounts of 'Supermodel vs Seamonster'. It was an insane montage of 'eyewitnesses' telling all sorts of crazy stories of me battling squids, flying fish, killer swordfish and other crazy things.... then someone's cameraphone video of me holding up the mutilated board with the surf shot owner.... it was wildly inaccurate and sensational, but I knew it would get me out of my dinner commitment. I would try to tell the real story to Dez the next day, and I chuckled that it didn't sound any more believable than any of the nonsense on the web.