It all starts a cool December night. During a smoke session with my brother in law a question came up. After he took he asked, "What made you wanna be like this? Why not just be a Butch girl and own it?" He went on to talk about a woman he knows like that while I fumbled around for words.

As the smoke lifted me up the words just wouldn't come. All I've ever wanted is to be the best little brother he didn't have. Everything in my life has to revolve around this one aspect. I hate it if I could be a regular guy I would in a heartbeat. People can never seem to look past that one thing. Tripping and stumbling over my words a memory surfaced. Christmas day we were all taking pictures. At least they all were I was just the photographer. I felt so hated so unwelcome an intruder. They welcomed my other brother in laws woman whose had cps cases. What made her so special that she got knocked up by him? Id get my girl pregnant if I could but that's another scar.

At last it was over after we left I heard mother in law say its time for the boy's picture. I looked in like a sad puppy waiting to be invited in. Only I wasn't later my wife forced them to include me. I felt so embarrassed and kept trying to get away. Back in reality I realized that there were no words to explain it. All I could manage was "It feels right I like being like this." This was the guy I looked up to. I wanted so bad to be close with him. He began to open up to me about his life. This time meant the world to me and made another memory surface.

We were walking to pick up breakfast on my way to work. We got the order and he put mine in a white paper bag. Without thinking I joked about feeling like a kid going to school. As we parted ways he yelled, "Bye little brother!" For a second I thought I misheard him. Instantly a huge smile formed on my face. It touched me to the point of tears he still doesn't know what those words meant to me.

After we finished we stood on the stairwell and he said, "I know a lot of people like you. These guys were my g's you know? One day I run into them and they're just like hey Im a girl now. These guys played football with me its hard for me to get. Why would they wanna change? Most of them had lovers too. They were all with them the entire way then once they became what they wanted they forgot who helped them there. I Don't want my sister to go through that." A fear was put in me that we would end up like them when I finished transitioning. It shook me to the core and I quickly agreed with him. "Trust me bro I would never do that to her." He nodded and replied, "You say that now I Don't see what's wrong with how you are right now. " That's when I realized he was only tolerating me just like everyone else. He jestured to me and continued, "God doesn't make mistakes." I believed the same thing just in a different way. To me it meant that Ge made everyone how they're supposed be trans or not. Honestly I believe that trans people are given a special task to find out who we really are. He on the otherhand saw it as you can't change who you were originally.

From that night on a tension was placed between us and a fear inside me. Little time passed and it looked like we were going to have the house to ourselves for almost a week. When I heard this I instantly became excited at the prospect of brother time. Getting wrecked having a party and talking a ton. Having a chance to get to know each other as men and really bond. Then I brought him in my room and he was so mad not to go he never even understood why I invited him in. He fought so hard to go. I heard that if he didn't go he'd be in downtown the entire time. Hearing all this crushed me inside out. All I wanted was a brother. What will it take? What can I do?

Very little time has passed and my heart aches. I can't even look at him let alone talk or bond. He'd be uncomfortable because he sees what I used to be. Not what I am. Still clueless on what to do I blame myself for everything. Why couldn't I just be a real man? My life would be so much easier Pinocchio got to be one. Why can't I? Being transgender ruins everything it makes me hate myself. I can't change who I am and I'll never go back to what I was.