The Squad Chapter 15

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The Squad: Chapter 15


by
Leila

It has been such a long time since all this started. I poured through the memories in my head of the last two and a half months. The air horn prank that I pulled on Amber and Ellie. Amber falling through the trio of cheerleaders who were propping her up. The ambulance taking my sister away to a hospital where she laid in a coma for almost a month. Joining the cheer squad as a temporary cheerleader, my punishment for my prank. The threat that if I didn’t improve or quit, I would be expelled from school. The loneliness of being a social outcast, compounded by my parents abandoning me so they may care for Amber and be by her bedside while she was unconscious.

My thoughts then turned to Ellie and Lisa and how they were becoming closer to me than even Taylor, who was supposed to be my best friend. I also recalled the joy of improving and being part of the squad. My emotional speech to the squad hoping that they would find the kindness to forgive me and accept me as one of them.

My thoughts then turned to being kicked off the squad by Dr. Corning who thought it an injustice that I was being forced against my will because of the impromptu punishment that my parents and Coach Tompkins devised. It just seemed to get worse from there. Amber’s rejection of my apology, her silence towards me. Then there is my aborted plea to Monica to rejoin the squad.

Coach Tompkins death lead to a bittersweet series of events. The announcement brought pain and sadness of her death, but also opened Monica’s heart to allow me to share in the squad’s mourning. I never thought I would be so hurt and healed at the same time when Monica pulled me into the squad’s embrace after learning of Coach T’s death. Then seeing the heartbreak on Lisa’s face when she realized that she wasn’t included when we were all told of Coach T’s death. That reminded me of the isolation she felt by not being part of the squad.

I remember looking at myself in Ellie’s mirror while wearing Amber’s uniform. It was a feeling so intense I could barely fathom what it meant. I remember the apprehension I felt walking to school in Amber’s uniform with Ellie at my side. Seeing the young woman I could be, I was shown another possibility for my life, one where I was someone else entirely. The thought was there in the back of my mind... I thought of myself as someone people could accept, but it wasn't Aaron, it was the pretty young girl wearing her sister's cheer uniform. Monica, the squad, the students… even Dr. Corning and the teachers were so ready to accept me as any other teenage girl. I thought my life was turning a corner. I thought for all of the bad; I could handle what was to come because I had good friends like Ellie and Lisa.

There is an uneasiness of being something you never were. I was never dressed as a girl, treated as a female, lived as a young woman. But they all viewed me as one. I was welcomed into the fold. I had what I wanted within my grasp. I couldn’t imagine before all this, that being a girl would make me more acceptable than being a boy. I thought everything was going to be okay, because I had my friends and their support.

It all came crashing down as fast as it started. The incident with Taylor, then Ellie rejecting my apology. Being told I wasn’t needed on the squad because they had prepared a new routine without Ellie and me. I was trying to repair the damage to our friendship. I was begging for her to reconsider. Our friendship meant so much to me. I had hoped it still meant something to her. Our last conversation still rattles in my head before I tried to take my life.

“… You’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

Her response.

“And we know how well you treat your own sister, don’t we.”

At that moment all I wanted was the pain to end. My life to end.

“I heard you’re awake.” a familiar voice in my room shakes me from my reverie. I look up, and my heart starts to race. Ellie looks at me her eyes downcast clutching a white teddy bear. The wound in my heart had not completely healed. I wanted to tell her to leave. Whatever she had to say, I wasn’t going to entertain. I couldn't listen to it, but for some reason, I didn’t ask her to leave.

”I tried to visit a few times, While you were…” She couldn’t look at me. I kept my eyes fixed on her, trying desperately to keep my emotions in check. “I… I wanted to say, ‘I’m sorry.' What I said to you wasn’t fair. I saw you hanging there on the swing while Marcus and the others were trying to get you down. I had never been so scared in my life. It’s was my fault. It could have been so much worse. I can’t get the image out of my head of you hanging from the chain and of the paramedics trying to get you to breathe. I had never been that scared in my whole life. It had only been a month since I watch paramedics do the same to Amber.” She approaches my bedside. Tears are already streaming down her face.

I couldn’t say anything; my heart ached too much. I could feel Ellie's anguish pouring into my heart. I couldn’t stop it. My heart was already full of my own anguish. All I could do was try to hold everything inside. It filled and churned inside me.

“The last thing, I said to you? About Amber? I’m sorry that I said that. I’m sorry that it drove you… I’m sorry.”

I close my eyes. I still felt the wound from what Ellie had said to me. How she was the last of my friends to abandon me. Taylor was taken from me but Ellie, her parting words were to me, as Shakespeare put it, ‘the most unkindest cut of all.’

We sat there in silence, Ellie, waiting for me to say something. Ellie was the first to reach out to me when I first joined the squad. She was the one that I had leaned on to help me through my loneliness. She was my sister or as close as anyone could be aside from Amber. And just like I needed Amber to forgive me. Ellie needed the same from me. I’m trying to say something. Ellie is hanging on every gesture. Every attempt to speak. I stop myself.

Why was this so hard? All I had to do is grant Ellie the same mercy that I asked of Amber. Forgiveness.

All I need to do was say the words. “I forgive you, please be my sister again.” I couldn’t.

I wished for Amber, to forgive me for my negligence. Blowing an air horn was a thoughtless prank. What Ellie said to me, was intended to hurt me. She wanted to hurt me. It was malicious. She knew how cruel it would sound to me. That didn’t stop her. Still, I wanted her back in my life, for us to be close again. The wound was too deep. She used my sister to hurt me.

Was this my first test as Erin? I was struggling to get past my declaration to myself. I had rejected Aaron and what he represented, my past, my loneliness, my isolation. Did my rejection of Aaron begin even before that?

Through the emotional rollercoaster that occurred on that day, Ellie was my rock. She saw Erin—she must have. She saw Erin in her very own bedroom mirror, how different I was—even for the briefest of moments. Ellie was the first. She tried to keep me steady. She comforted me after the incident with Taylor. Why couldn’t I just forgive her?

If she was the first to see me as Erin, she was the first to hurt me as Erin too. She knew just how to do it.

Ellie dries her eyes and approaches closer. She tucks the teddybear close to me. I’m trying to hold back tears. I wanted to stay mad. Being mad at her kept me from feeling sad for myself. It was what Aaron always did, deflect. It was easier to push everyone away and keep them at 'arms length.' Nobody couldn’t hurt him if they couldn’t get close.

I had let Ellie in. As close to me as Amber—closer perhaps. I can see it on Ellie’s face that she wants me to say something, do something that lets her know that she is still welcome in my life, Erin’s life. As much as I want to repel her, I wanted her close. I yearned for what made us sisters. My mind could not get past her rejection of our friendship and her hurtful words. My heart could only fixate on our bond as sisters. There was no way to tell which would win out.

I have to say something. I wanted to hug Ellie. She wanted so much but could I only give her so little. She sees my body contract as I can’t keep myself from crying. She moves in to hug me. I pull away from her. She tries again and again I recoil. I see her eyes widen at my hesitance, much like Amber’s did earlier. She lets out a small wail as she turns and rushes out the door.

If how I treated Ellie was my first test as Erin. I just failed. I couldn’t, my mind struggled and won out over my heart. I could feel the guilt of it all work through me. The turmoil inside me is churning, threatening to destroy me from the inside out. I hugged the teddybear, pulling it tight into me. My tears are dripping on its head. The thoughts still swimming in my head of what I had just done to Ellie. How could Amber forgive me if I couldn’t even forgive Ellie? Was I destined to the same traps that Aaron had fallen?

I’ve pushed away those that were closest to me. Amber, now Ellie. In only a matter of hours, I had begun to isolate myself again. Like Aaron did. I hated myself for doing that. My heart was screaming at my head for not obeying. Why should my head follow? All my heart ever did to me was bring me more pain. My heart wanted to be part of the squad… pain. My heart wanted me to have friends… pain. My heart wanted me to tell Amber the truth… more pain.

The nurse checks on me, all I can do is hug the teddybear and sob. She has a worried look on her face. I don’t care. I just want all the pain to go away. Why is it so hard to break from the past? With every moment I sink deeper into my sadness. I needed to get a hold of myself. I look down at the tear soaked teddybear. I think of what I just did to Ellie. How I made her feel. I fell sick; my stomach turns and torques. I wretch my insides out atop my new bear. The nurse rushes over to bring something to catch the bile that lurches up my throat again.

I wail as the nurse try to settle me down.

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Comments

Most definitely a candidate

Most definitely a candidate for a thorough and complete "head shrinking". Way too much drama going on within her young life, and she has not been able to actually talk to someone about it, that won't be judgemental when they do.
Would not allow her to go home before a session or two has been set up and accomplished, then she can do the rest on an out patient basis.

If there ever was...

If there ever was a poster child for mental abuse and anguish it's her. Her parents need to be taken out back and flogged. This entire 2nd problem that faces their family rests entirely on THEIR shoulders, and no one elses...

I cannot believe that no one has stepped in and mandated counselling, it's standard policy in a lot of medical centers if a sibling dies or is in near death situation, they do a review of the siblings, if you manage to tick too many checkboxes.. ya you're getting a visit to the Doc they've had way too many... of THIS happen... kids do not respond the same as adults.

They think suicide fixes things. Adults, hopefully we know better =p

Sigh, I feel for Erin though, she hasn't even had time to process anything, and they keep throwing more at her. I hope that she finally gets some closure for some of her issues, before they keep throwing more at her.

Sara

Great line - "There is an

Donna T's picture

Great line - "There is an uneasiness of being something you never were."

Donna

So glad to see this return.......

D. Eden's picture

Even if you did have me bawling my eyes out.

It's hard to forgive others when you can't forgive yourself; hard to show compassion and love toward others when you hate who you are inside. I know, it took me years to figure out how to get past that myself. It was the example set for me by others, by people who meant everything to me, that finally helped me find the way through to who I truly am. It was promises I made to those who meant everything to me that started me on the path.

My sense of honor and duty forced me to keep those promises, promises which led me to learn how to feel - how to care for others. And that led me to learning how to care about myself - not just physically as that was never a problem. But to care about myself emotionally and spiritually.

Erin needs to teach Aaron how to care and how to love. How to reach out for help.

I sincerely hope to see this continue. It's too good of a story to stop.

D

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

I have liked this so far

Too much trauma and suicide. There are lots of us, including me who have tried it, so this is very painful.

Too much stress.

good start...

Good start to a great story.

Wolf_0.jpg

STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-all

STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-STAR-all gold stars for a dynamite episode.

Big Question

... the title of the story is "The Squad." So where are they? They should be sticking up for Erin in her time of need. They can be involved in helping her get out and getting better (Assuming Social Services, the hospital's Patient Advocate, the police, the psychiatrists, and the doctors don't send her off to a looney bin or else suffer under the effects of a suicide watch.)

Erin needs help to navigate through that pile of manure and make it out the other side.

The Squad should be there to help. Big time.

Sephrena

Hooray, Erin's Back!

But if Erin tell's Ellie, "I forgave you, I was too torn up to speak," Erin will go one way and we may have a short story.

If Ellie stays away, Aaron may be back to complicate the story.

Any way Leila goes, I'm looking for twists and turns.

I only hope it will be a long story.

Cheers,
rg

Bruised Laryinx

I just assumed that her throat was bruised from hanging herself, so she could not talk.

Fear of rejection

If ever there was a poster child of a person isolated by fear of people hurting or rejecting them it's Erin. It's hard to read even in fiction that such a build up of neglect and miscommunication can have this devastating effect on a child. Yet, it happens. I've seen it in my life and others to a lesser or greater extent.

This is so powerful I could see it being required reading for discussion in schools. In the last chapter Erin's dad said, "we still love you". WTF, why not "we love you", why the qualifier that might imply "even though you screwed up". Am I being too sensitive or critical here (not of the author, but of people's callousness)? My head is really spinning over your story Leila; in a good way I think.

As a youngster I often heard, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Teen suicides from cyber bullying sure makes that a bunch of BS.

"Was I destined to the same traps that Aaron had fallen?"

Truthfully, one would think so. She's the same person, and there's not much reason to think that Erin is more congruent to her self-image than Aaron was. All Erin seems to be is the most expedient way out of Aaron's impasse -- though she has apparently now convinced herself that Aaron had something like this in mind when he decided to attend school in the cheerleader uniform.

Eric

My thoughts too

Is Aaron/Erin transgendered or desperately trying to find a way to be accepted?

hopefully

My5InchFMHeels's picture

Ahhh so glad to see this story back. Hopefully Amber can teach Erin how to forgive. It would likely cement the siblings bond with each other as well.

Aaron's still in a very...

Bad place, mentally! Sure he initially instigated the pain, but what he has been subjected to since is by far worse! And further still no one's coming to his aid? Leila dear, I hope the light at the other end of this deep, dark tunnel isn't a train! Loving Hugs Talia

It's almost like

Everybody is working from a "How To Screw Up" guide. Starting with the airhorn stunt, everybody has gone straight to the worst possible action and embraced it. It is going to take lot of work to undue all the damage done, especially to Arron/Erin. It is hard to say just what their gender/sexuality is, that water has been so muddied that it might be years before the real answer is known.

One thing I believe, Arron/Erin can't return to that school, and I don't think Amber should either. In fact, I don't believe the two of them should attend the same school either. A/E needs a clean break, a chance to return to school without these events hanging over them. Not only would Amber's presence in the same school create more grief just from the fear that she might say something, Amber's presence at their old school would be a constant source of rumors about A/E. She wouldn't even have to say anything, the other kids would make guesses based on what she wouldn't say.

Did we ever learn why Lisa can't be on the cheer squad anymore? I missed it if we have.


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

Poor Erin

Samantha Heart's picture

All she has know is pain & suffering. Every time she tries someone gets hurt. I hope she can talk it out with the councilors she REALLY needs to. And with her family and friends. SOMETHING has to give she tried to take her own life as the pain was too great for her to deal with now MORE pain and angush... poor girl.can't win for loosing.

Love Samantha Renée Heart.

Thanks for your patience!

Hi Everyone!

Thanks for your patience while I recharged and had a chance to review the story and plan where things go for Aaron/Erin and the Squad. I do listen to your feedback and work with them as best as I can. I appreciate all the comments both here and through PM. I love you all for helping me become a better writer. :)

Hugs,
Leila

This is an interesting story

This is an interesting story and it pulls me in. The direction this story goes will be determined once Aaron learns to love and forgive himself for the hurt he has caused others. It is at that point the author can decide if Aaron is meant to be Aaron or Erin. I believe this story was originally to be about a boy who gets in trouble and has to fill in for his sister as a cheerleader and then learns to love the clothes and this other side of himself. Now, the story appears to be using the tragedy, of his sister's accident, to justify a life changing event. If so, then we can be grateful it is fiction. If the author chooses to go deeper, or make a turn and head back to down the crossdressing road, that is her choice. Either way Aaron has to learn to love himself again.

Stopping the pain

Jamie Lee's picture

Emotional pain is part of any relationship, but few ever learn that it's necessary for any relationship to last. Not only does it cause reflections to take place, it can be cleansing. However, when unresolved issues are at the heart of the problem, Erin's attempt at easing her pain can result.

Aaron had layer upon layer of pain caused by actions, or inactions, of others. And he unknowingly cried for help by pulling pranks. And yet it was a prank which was the start of his transformation, though his sister was hurt as a result of that prank.

Amber getting hurt should have been a wake up call that Arron needed counseling, that he had deep seeded pain and was crying for help. But this particular cry went unheeded and more pain was heaped on his shoulders. As a result, Erin started receiving all which Aaron had been missing. Erin had friends, Erin was liked, Erin was involved. Circumstances jerk ed the rug out from under Erin and Aaron was again lost.

Circumstances created the last straw and made Aaron want the pain to stop. Permanently.

Once his/her physical injuries have healed it'd then be time to deal with their mental state. This will not only involve Aaron/Erin, but everyone who has been associated with him/her. It has to start just with Aaron/Erin, then with the immediate family, then students and teachers--the latter may not get involved, but some caused bits and pieces of the pain being felt.

One thing is very certain, Aaron/Erin should not be left alone until it's been determined that they understand how to deal with pain that will occur. Deal with it in a nondestructive way.

Others have feelings too.