Chapter 16 – The Grandfather Clause

The door was plain and ordinary at the old courthouse. Nothing remarkable about it at all. Just a sign that said ‘Authorized Personal Only’ was all it said. Hidden behind it though was the last part of a three month investigation into child porn in five states and at least four countries. Men and women sat on a grand jury returning indictments of various people.

I passed the time leafing through some fliers that agent Debbie had on people that the FBI wanted. It wasn’t the ten most wanted. But, it kept my mind busy and it gave me something to talk to Debbie about. She laughed at some of my observations. In all the male cases, my occasional whispered punch line to Debbie usually was, “Clearly needed to be a girl for a year as a kid.” And my mom’s final response to all my silliness, “If you don’t stop driving Debbie nuts young lady, I am going to make you wear boy clothes for a week.”

I pouted. “No need to get mean, Mommy, I’ll behave.” Then I smiled at her and winked. She laughed. We all were clearly bored and a little teasing made the time pass quicker.

Yvonne came out of the door with her mother. She saw me and skipped over to greet me. “Allo, my English is much better now, non? Thank you for introducing me to your vriends. They were bien amiables. And, I learned much, non?”

“Yes, they were very kind to you and to me. Quel dommage, this means goodbye, n’est pas? You will be heading to your new home very soon?” I said realizing that her time here was near its end.

“Oui, zhey are taking nous zhere on Friday and we live zhere for good. Will ewe come visit, mon amie?”

“Bien sur, mon oncle Robert lives in Bernardston, about a three and a half hour drive from you. I will be visiting him often, I hope.”

We chatted a few more minutes and then the bailiff said it was my turn to testify. We did “la bise” again and said au revoir. It was good to see her again.

I couldn’t wear Cybil’s funeral dress anymore. I had outgrown it. Or rather, it was designed for a girl who was a little less curvy. So, I wore the nice dress that Officer O’Brien bought me in December. I looked very nice. I went in, smoothed my skirt, sat down, and told them about the interview in Douglas and about the identification of David St. Jean in Sydney. They were impressed with my story about Adelaide.

The grand jurors were very friendly as was the federal prosecutor. They complemented me on what a fine young lady I made and what a good job I did in Arizona. They asked questions about what I said in French and why I said something to Yvonne in French a certain way. Agent Jeanette Du Pres was in the room to act as a translator for Yvonne and also to clear up any confusion between my fourth year advanced conversational French and how a native French speaker would have interpreted what I said. She gave me a present. It was a book called ‘Merde! Street French’ to round out my education.

And that was the end of the grand jury. I learned later that I wouldn’t be needed for the federal trial except maybe for David St. Jean. Everyone I had encountered had accepted a plea deal except for St. Jean. To protect me and my true city of origin, St. Jean’s trial is going to be in St. Louis. It will make it easy for Agent Debbie as that is her home base. Unless I really was needed, I wouldn’t need to testify. Her testimony and that of my grandfather’s identification will be sufficient to put him in Nogales at the house party.

The next day, I dressed up in a pair of girl’s jeans and blue tennis shoes with black socks. I put on a baby tee top and then put on pull over red pull over knit sweater over it. I then put on my silver heart necklace. I thought about a nice choker instead, but it would have disappeared in the collar of the sweater. I put on a head band and I was ready to go.

Grandpa came by and took me on a quick trip down south and where he used to work years ago. We walked the battlefield of Shiloh.

“So, you used to work the grounds here. What exactly was your job?”

“Keeping looters from digging up Civil War relics and selling them. I didn’t work with the visitors. My team and I kept the amateur diggers and opportunists from digging up our history and selling it. It was great.”

“So, why did you bring me here?”

“To teach you about General Grant.”

Grandpa turned to me, looked me in the eye and said, “Lincoln wrote of Grant that he couldn’t spare this man, he fights. That’s you too, Samantha. You fight. I have come to know what you have seen and have gone through for the last four years. I know you are growing stronger and healthier.”

He then pointed to a thicket in front of me. “Look, here is the Hornet’s Nest. The real lesson of Shiloh is that Grant was caught by surprise. Even worse, Sherman ignored warnings that Confederate patrols had been spotted close to their camps. It could have been a defeat for Grant. It nearly was the first day. But, the Union army held its ground for the most part. The next day, with fresh troops and greater numbers, the Union army turned it around and sent the Confederates running. But, there were consequences. This made Grant look bad.”

We continued our walk along the battlefield tour path of Shiloh. Grandpa told me more, “Your ancestor, Ezra Camden Miller, served in the Indiana 44th. That is one of the reasons we moved to Tennessee. He walked this very ground as a private. He watched his friends die. He was fourteen. He did what was common in that day. He stood on a piece of paper with eighteen written on it and swore he was over eighteen when the recruiter signed him up. Our family fought for this land here. This was one of the bloodiest battles of the whole Civil War’s western front. And consider, Grant’s career was nearly ended here. But, Lincoln saw through that, and because of this battle, we have two of the greatest generals on the Union side team up and become a force to be reckoned with. Grant and Sherman. Sherman was depressed. So was Grant. But, their friendship healed those wounds and brought victory to the north.”

I stopped to survey the now serene battlefield. “It would be nice to have someone to partner with like Grant did. It must have made it easier to get over the bad stuff that happened to them to have Sherman at his side.”

Grandpa put his hand on my shoulder. “Ironic that you mention that. You do now.”

I looked at my Grandpa. He had a smirk on his face. “What do you mean I do now, Grandpa?”

“I brought you here for two reasons. One, to show you how strong you have become as a person. Two, to give you some news that both will shock and delight you.”

“News?” I was really intrigued.

Grandpa’s smirk turned into a engaging grin. “You have someone who is willing to play your brother during stings and join you in helping to take down child porn rings. He is smart and knows you already. And, he is willing to keep your secret. Apparently, he admires your dedication and skills.”

I stared blankly at my grandfather for a moment. Then, I said, “Doug?” He was the only person I could think of who would be willing to help me.

“Nope. You won’t believe who it is.” Grandpa was milking this.

“Tell me Grandpa, please tell me.” I looked up at him and pleaded with my pout. It must have worked.

“It’s Tommy Hinks.”

“What?!”

“Yup, I talked to Bill today before bringing you here. They were impressed with Hinks’ detective skills at finding out about you, so while interviewing him and giving him a good what for because of his snooping, he turned the tables on them by asking if he could help instead. He pointed out that you both look somewhat alike, so he can easily pass for being your brother. And, you are far enough apart in age and size that he can be a great asset to the team. And, his parents’ are on board with his doing this.”

Still in shock, I asked, “Are they going to have him dress as a girl too?”

“No, he is going to remain a boy. But, because Tommy’s duty is now to watch out for you and help keep the bad guys from finding you, he wants to remain at his school and protect your cover. He figures it is the least he can do since he almost blew your cover. His name during operations will be Sean Jasper.”

Grandpa went on to say, “Also, they have changed the format of the stings. They figured out a better way to use you. You and Tommy are going to be kids in a faux family where the Dad or Mom is trying to sell photos of the young daughter to a suspect. This way, they can take as many of the purchasers off the street as possible. In doing so, they believe they can uncover the suppliers. It is a safer way to use you. Less traumatic. I won’t go into all the details, but the results will be much the same with less danger.”

Then he smiled and said something extraordinary, “And, they wonder if you would be available to help them with victims. They think if you come in to help like you did with Yvonne and Vicki, you could help convince victims to reveal more about the people who harmed them.”

I stopped for a moment in front of an old Civil War cannon to reflect on all the good news when something hit me. “Wait, isn’t Bill supposed to be telling me this?”

Grandpa’s grin turned into laughter. I could tell he was very happy that I asked. “Normally, yes. But he gave that job to his new assistant.”

He patiently waited while I processed what he said. I lit up and stood on my tip toes, pushed on his bent arm, and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you Grandpa! That means you are my boss!” I giggled with joy.

He patted me on my back, kissed my head, and continued. “Because of my work in law enforcement and my extensive career, I have been grandfathered into being able to work for him. So, I am now working for the state and not the State Department. And, I get to keep my passports for the time being too by agreement.”

The rest of the tour, we talked about the soldiers that fought there and how tough it was for them to return to home after the war. There was no help back then for the mental wounds of war. Then we talked about Adelaide and how I was doing and how he was doing. On the whole, I was handling it much better than I thought I would.

I couldn’t tell Grandpa about what Dr. Cramer said to me during our last private phone session, “The hormones and blockers you are being given will make you more emotional to be sure. But, ironically, they are reducing your anxiety levels so much right now they are acting better than any anti-depressant would. This sometimes happens with a transgender patient. The emotional extremes aren’t so bad because they feel their real self coming out. Their brains quiet down as they feel the effects of the hormones they feel they need and want. In your case, you are relaxing and feeling more confident as you progress.”

I asked her why. “Because, I believe your brain is wired to work best with estrogen versus testosterone. Now, down the road, you will have emotional bumps. But, because we have gone with pills instead of shots, I think your brain is adjusting better than it would otherwise. Of course, this might not work for someone else. But it is working for you now which is all that matters.”

Grandpa had a few more surprises for me. After we left the battlefield, he took me to a late lunch at a nearby bistro. I noticed he kept looking at the door to the restaurant. “What’s up Grandpa?”

Just after I said that, I saw a man about Grandpa’s age come through the door and wave at Grandpa. He walked with a cane and I could see that one of his arms was withered. He joined us at our table.

“Have you ordered yet Robert?” said the man. As I looked at him more closely, I could see scars on his face and arm which looked like it had chunk taken out of it years ago. He must had had some sort of accident that must have happened years ago. The scars spoke of something catastrophic like a fire or a car wreck.

“Hi Roderick. I would like to introduce my granddaughter, Samantha.”

“How do you do Samantha.” I shook his withered hand. It was surprisingly strong.

“Samantha, this is Roderick Garrison. I met him years ago at a Veterans Hospital here in Tennessee. He served in Vietnam and was a Sergeant in the Marines. He saw some heavy action. He and I struck up a friendship because he loves researching Shiloh. He is quite the expert. But, why I wanted to introduce him to you is that he is also recipient of something quite extra-ordinary. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving his platoon in Nam. I think his wounds tell the story.”

Grandpa told the story of what happened in Adelaide to Roderick who silently nodded. “Well, it seems you are one brave little fighter Samantha. It takes courage to step into the gap.”

“Thank you sir. But it doesn’t compare to what you did on the battlefield.”

“That is where you are very wrong, Samantha. You do compare well. My special forces training helped me deal with what I had to do. While you didn’t have special forces training, you had a special grandfather who stood by you and protected you. And you have a team to lead you through to the other side. I did too. You are just beginning to understand the phrase ‘band of brothers.’ Trust your team.”

I was a bit embarrassed, so I tried to deflect. “Do you miss being in the military?”

He did an end run. “Well, of course I do. But, I also know my time of service has come to an end as will yours. And that is where a little history will help you to know that you aren’t unique in your family. You know, years ago, young boys would become drummers for units in the Civil War or enlist too young like your ancestor, Ezra, did. They saw the horrors of war and came back wounded in their own way. One of those soldiers, as you know, was your great great great great grandfather Ezra. He was fourteen when he joined and almost eighteen when he was let go by the Union. He saw the horrors of Andersonville as a prisoner the last few weeks of the war. And, he almost was on the Sultana when it caught fire and became one of the worst maritime disasters killing more than the Titanic. He let a soldier go in his place because he wasn’t in as bad of shape. That act of compassion saved his life. Let tell you more about him. Ezra went on to become a town marshal in the New Mexico territory after the war. During the cattle wars, he did something I believe speaks of the kind of courage you will have after this is over.”

I was awestruck with this man’s question of me. I stammered, “W-what would that be, sir?”

“A cowboy name Jess Larson shot and killed Ezra’s deputy, James Smith. Ezra lead a posse to capture him and bring him to justice. You see, Ezra served with his James in the war. They were close as brothers could be. No one would have batted an eyelash if he killed Jess. But, by bringing him back alive, Ezra showed that the rule of law was the best vengeance. Ezra would return to Indiana a few years later and serve as a sheriff in the county he grew up in.”

Grandpa piped up and said, “One of the reasons I love talking to Roderick is that he has spent time researching the Indiana 44th to find out what happened to each soldier that returned home. He wants to find out why some move past their trauma and others don’t. When he told my about my great great grandfather, I was blown away. I knew from my father that he was a good man and faithful to his wife. It seems that divorce hasn’t been a problem in our family tree. One of the reasons is the commitment of the men to do what they are hired to do. I think that you are keeping that tradition alive.”

We talked about his injuries. I asked if he had lasting mental injuries. It was a very healthy discussion and I learned about how he dealt with his injuries and how to reach out and ask for help. He was pleased that I already was talking to someone and working with her. Fortunately, I didn’t wake up with sweats and feeling trapped. But, I learned about danger signs and how to ask for help.

After lunch, we said our goodbyes. Grandpa and I remained and had dessert. As we sat there, I saw a woman come in. She was dressed for spring and it was still cold outside. I saw her shake with the jitters and look around the room. She was doing her best to look normal, but her movements were jerky and unnatural.

“Grandpa, see the woman in the green dress at the counter. Why is she shaking?”

He studied her for a moment and shook his head. “Sadly, Samantha, most likely drug use and mental abuse. See, there is a gentleman’s club next door. I am embarrassed to say that is where men pay money to see women take off their clothes and parade around in front of them. Many of those women feel they don’t have any other means to make it in the world. They start taking drugs to numb the pain of what they are doing to make money. The men don’t care. They are just objects for them to ogle over. Many of the women who work there come from abusive families too.”

“Is there anything we can do to help her?”

“You already are. By helping stop the exploitation of girls, you are helping girls not become like her.”

“But, how do I help her now?”

“I wish I knew, Samantha. I honestly wish I knew.”

A few days later, I was at the rink earlier than normal. Dean would be there soon for another skating lesson. I just wanted to watch some skaters. I sat down on one of the benches around the rink and readied to put my skates on. I enjoyed the smell of the ice and listening to blades working the ice. I think it is one of my favorite sounds in the world next to a guitar player working the frets of his guitar. It becomes part of the work and performance. I wish Americans would not hate it so much. I went to an ice show a year back in Nashville where I could watch top world skaters. The Americans would crank up the volume of their music for their performance. But, when the Russians skated, they would turn the music down and, being close to the ice, I could hear their blades work their jumps, spins, and turns. Hearing blades work the ice is its own symphony. There is a sound when a skater holds their edge that sends chills down my spine because I know that a skater has to be really in control to hold that kind of edge before a jump.

I spied at the other end of the rink this one skater who impressed me working his patch. He was landing triple flips and also doing double Salchows with ease. I enjoyed watching his spins and the graceful way he did backward crossovers. And he was doing them well in both directions too. He was athletic and graceful.

As I laced up my skates, I began thinking about how Dean would look soon once he found his skating legs. We wouldn’t be doing many jumps in ice dancing, but a part of me would rather have been doing pair skating with Dean. I was deep in thought about Dean when to my surprise, the boy whom I watched skating so brilliantly was in front of me. My jaw dropped when I realized who it was.

“Hi Jackie. It is nice to see you again.” He grinned at me.

I stammered out, “H-hi Tommy, or should I say Sean.”

“I am so happy to finally get a chance to say thank you to you. And that is from my family too.”

“Why?” This was unexpected.

“My older sister Connie, who is in 8th grade, was one of Josh’s victims. It didn’t take us long to put two and two together when Officer Leitner was chastising me for interfering with his investigations to realize it was you that freed Connie from her foolishness. We were able to destroy all of her photos thanks to you.”

“You are welcome. I am glad I could help.” I was stunned by this revelation. I recovered by saying, “I didn’t know you skated. You are really good!”

Tommy said apologetically, “Sorry, but that was one of the reasons I was snooping. I had seen you here teaching a boy to skate and, well, I got too curious. I didn’t know what you were really doing. Then Wilson came in with some crazy story about you being a cousin from Canada. When I found out the truth, I felt like a complete jerk. Can you forgive me?” He hung his head low.

I was impressed that he had the strength to apologize and take responsibility. “Of course I can, but before Dean shows up, he doesn’t know who I really am or what I really am. While I was measuring him in choir for an outfit, he asked me to a dance. He stutters, so he sang to me. It was really cute.” I couldn’t help but grin. And I think I sounded all girl when I said it too.

Tommy gave me a concerned look. “My Mom felt it would help hide my true identity if I were seen with a boy. So, now we dance and skate. No dating until ninth grade and by that time ...”

“I understand. Before he gets here, how do you want me to play it?” I think Tommy knew there was more to it.

“Well, I am teaching him to skate so we can ice dance for my P.E. credit. It gets me out of the gym. So, I guess the best thing is to just say that I helped make the costumes for your class and you got to know me when I fitted you. He will feel comfortable with that because I made his outfit for choir. So, we only know each other in passing. But, please, don’t make Dean feel like you are interested in me. I mean, well.”

“I get it. But, at some point, they want us to work together. We will have to work something out if he sees us together again. In the meantime, I will just stick with my hockey so we don’t bump into each other at the rink. Besides, I learned figure skating to improve my hockey skills.”

“Frankly, you ought to drop the hockey. You really aren’t a bad figure skater. I was watching you.”

“That is what my figure coach says. But, she doesn’t understand the thrill of a hat trick or the joy of a good body check. Popping someone into the glass is so much fun. Try doing that to your pairs partner.” Tommy grinned ear to ear and chortled. I hadn’t seen his humorous side yet. I had this vision of Tommy throwing his pairs partner into the glass. I held my hands up to my face and giggled at the thought.

“Speaking of which, you ought to drop being a boy. You really aren’t a bad looking girl.” He snickered.

I blushed and laughed. “Well, for the moment ...” I looked over and Dean was walking towards us with his skates hung over his shoulder. He looked so handsome in his ballroom outfit. More and more lately, I felt something stirring in me whenever he was around. “H-hi Jackie.”

“Hey Dean!” I said with glee smiling ear to ear. “Oh, I would like you to meet Tommy. He was one of the guys I made an outfit for from Canterbury Middle School last year. I just found out he is a fantastic figure skater when he isn’t disguised as a hockey player.” I scrunched my nose at Tommy and then reached around Dean’s waste to hug and reassure him I was still his.

Thankfully, Tommy remembered his place. “So, she made an outfit for you too? She did a great job on my costume for drama. But, I wasn’t as smart as you. I never thought to ask her to skate. I think I will ask my girl friend Darlene if she would like to skate with me. I haven’t shown her this side of me yet. Isn’t that how you asked her to dance?” But, damn, he got me anyway again.

Dean smiled at the complement. “Y-yes. T-that w-was easy to ask h-her. J-Jackie is r-really sweet and p-pretty.” I blushed.

Tommy said his goodbyes and I could tell that Dean wasn’t jealous. He might have been at first, but I think we handled it well. My only worry was Darlene was someone I knew. I would need to get word to Tommy. But, I think he already knew. He winked at me when he said Darlene.

Later in the day, I put a poster on the dinning room table and started to cut out the parts of my butterfly and glued it to the poster. Soon, I had built a Monarch butterfly on the poster. I then picked up a pen. I started to write down on the wings various occupations that I could do when I grow up.

Mom walked in and watched what I was doing. “What are you up to, honey?”

“Dr. Cramer recommended that I do this and put it up in my room where I could look at it each day. She says I need to keep my eyes on the prize to keep my focus on what is going to happen after Samantha finishes her work.”

“What an interesting idea. Why?”

“Because it is part of my growing up and maturing. She thinks focusing on an adult career will help me develop even better coping skills and become more stable. It turns out that I have already been learning a lot of the coping mechanisms for avoiding having problems with all the trauma I am dealing with. I have music and acting. I have been opening up to you and Dad about how I feel.”

“Has she making any other recommendations?”

I smoothed out my skirt, sat down, crossed my legs, and put my hands in my lap. My Mom sat down too. “Well, it is an odd one. But she wants me to spend time with the boys in my life and bond with them, learn about them, and discover what they enjoy and like to do.”

“As a girl or as a boy?”

“Whatever I like. She says that it is more important that I learn about the men in my life than who I go as. Although, she says as a girl, I might learn more since boys like to show off versus a boy where I would be potential competition. Apparently, I have done a great job of learning about the women in my life. It is time to include men too she says.”

“I like that reasoning. That is excellent advice. How do you want to do it?”

“Well, I just spent time with Grandpa at Shiloh. Next, I am going to spend time with Dean watching something called Royal Rumble, whatever that is. It is some sort of Pay-per-View event in a week. I want to walk with Grandpa during the week to build my stamina for the singing competition and spend even more time with him. And I would like to see your brother too, uncle Robert. He left before Grandpa died and I miss him too. I would like to go see Robert in Colorado and spend time with him. With my being off for a month, this would be a great time to do it if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, my that is a lot of traveling and very ambitious. I am not sure I could approve of it all or if it is in the budget. But, most of it can be done. I will talk to your dad and see what we can do. Okay?”

“Thank you Mom. You are the best.” I got up and we hugged. I took the poster up to my room and put it on my wall. I stood back and looked at it. I spied the professions of gynecologist, obstetrician, and pediatrician. I put them in what I perceived was the heart of the butterfly. That was my prize. I just knew it.

I walked into my session with Erin with a spring in my step. She was doing me so much good.

“Samantha, I have had time to talk to your parents and get to know them. I want to talk about a dark moment in your past to illustrate how far you have come. Do you mind talking about it?”

“No, I guess. But I can’t think of what it might be since I think we have talked about everything.” I sat down and began to pour our customary tea. I loved our tea parties. It was my favorite part of our sessions.

“Do you remember the time you hid out in your backyard because the teacher picked on you? Tell me about it.” She took her cup of tea and had a sip. She smiled because I made it exactly how she liked. With a couple of drops of cream and a touch of sugar.

I sat back into my seat. “Oh, yeah. That time.” I had forgotten about it until she brought it up. I took a sip of my tea and collected my thoughts. I put my cup down and put my hands in my lap.

“It was not long after Grandpa Zimmer died. I thought I was in big trouble for not knowing the difference between AM and PM. I would call morning PM and afternoon AM. It was silly really. But, Mrs. Denison got so mad at me that she said that if I didn’t learn them by the next day, I would need to find a new school. I took her seriously and didn’t understand until recently that she was just frustrated with me. I was so very scared thinking she really meant it. I talked to Mom and Dad that night about what schools I could go to instead. They missed what I was really talking about but I think they heard the fear in my voice.”

I took another sip of tea and continued. “So, the next morning, I pretended to go to school and then slipped into the backyard and hid in a bush. Little did I know that they called my parents. Somehow, they figured out why I was scared and hid. Once they found me later that day, nothing was said. It was never brought up again.”

“Sadly, it should have been Samantha. Your reaction showed danger signs that the adults should have noticed and acted on. You see, your teacher confessed she scared you right away when she talked to your parents about what may have happened to you because they didn’t know where you where. As did the principal who was in the room too. It was handled among the adults and they never apologized to you. They figured by not mentioning it and not punishing you for it, the trauma you felt would go away on its own. And they reasoned it away because you should never be apologized to for doing something wrong like hiding from them. They pretended nothing happened when it actually did.”

“That would have been nice to hear. I think you are right. I just went deeper into a hole at that time.”

“Yes, it is important for adults to admit to you they make mistakes and that they aren’t perfect. It was a good thing that Doug pulled you out of it. I think as a kid himself, he understood that you didn’t trust adults for a reason. Bless his heart. He could see you were hard for an adult to reach because you felt betrayed, but felt it was easy for a kid to reach you.”

“I know. I am so grateful he came into my life. He has taught me so much. He is unselfish and kind. I really couldn’t love my unofficial brother any more than I do.”

She smiled and patted me on the knee. “Now, four years later, how do you handle your feelings? You talk to your parents. You talk to Doug. You talk to me. You do sewing, cooking, acting, babysitting, and more. I want you to think about how you reached Yvonne and Vicki. I have heard both tapes. They are amazing examples of how much you have grown. They show a girl who uses her empathy to reach others. Your pain has become an instinct for helping others.”

I smiled and said, “Do you really think so?”

“Yes, you are really blossoming, Samantha.”

“Thank you. It means a lot to hear that from you.”

“Now, enough of all this mushy stuff.” She feigned disgust and I giggled.

“What about your project for getting to know the men around you?”

“Well, to build my stamina for ice dancing and for choir, Mom and Grandpa have hit on a scheme to have me walk to school every morning. Mom will drop us off a half mile from school and Grandpa and I walk to school. Each week, we will build up. The goal is to have me walk two miles a day in the morning with him to school at least three days a week. Then, Grandma will pick up Grandpa.”

Erin grinned. “That is an excellent plan, Samantha. I think it will do you a world of good.”

“And Mom is going to arrange and see if I can see my uncle Robert and my brother Robert. Plus, I am going to learn about Doug and my Dad too.”

“Excellent. There is someone you are forgetting.”

“Who?”

“Bill. He has become part of your life too.”

After the session, I continued to work on the project starting with Doug.

“All right Doug, what do you like to do?” I grinned.

“Help you, duh!”

I hit him with a pillow. “Not fair, you aren’t getting into the spirit of this.”

“Oh there is a spirit? Maybe we should call an exorcist instead of psychiatrist?”

“Goof. If I didn’t love you so much, I would just walk away.” I giggled.

“Thanks Sis. But, we already know so much about each other. At least, I think we do.”

“Tell me your favorite thing to do when I am not around.” I leaned back on the couch and pulled up my legs.

“Oh, I don’t know. I really like to read medical journals, do puzzles, or just think about things. Like about people I care about and what I can do to help. I found lately I am dwelling on what it is going to be like to go to Harvard and not be close to family or friends. I guess I want to learn how to make friends. That worries me. How is a fifteen year old kid going to fit in there.”

“Funny, I never thought about you worrying about something. At the accident scene and for the birth of the baby, you were so confident and sure, I never got scared. I knew everything was going to be fine. Do you get scared?”

“Yes, I do. I sometimes worry that I will wake up one day and you all will be gone and I will be miserable and alone again.”

I re-positioned myself on the couch getting closer to him and held his hand. “I sometimes worry that one day I will wake up and you won’t be there either and lost too. And so, what would you like to do that you haven’t done yet?”

Doug smiled and hugged me. “I can’t wait to drive. I am not far from getting a learner’s permit. I guess I would like to drive Mary to dinner and a movie or a dance first.” He smiled thoughtfully.

“Oh, that sounds so nice. I envy Mary. She has a romantic boyfriend. So, before I met you, did you play with toy cars and pretend to drive them?”

“Oh man, I had this one toy car. I didn’t care that it was really for Ken and Barbie. I would run it all over the house. I would make car noises and pretend I was going a hundred miles per hour. I loved that toy car.” Doug was smiling remembering his toy and I could tell it was a pleasant memory.

“What else don’t you know?” he said. “I loved to create Rube Goldberg machines in the house. I would create these intricate machines that would just turn on the television. Mom and Dad would laugh. And then, I loved watching Zoro on television. I wanted to use a sword and fight bad guys leaving a torn zed on their clothing. I would ride off with a mask, a cape, and all in black to fight bad guys all the while standing on my bed.”

“And then, you came to my rescue and used me as a Rube Goldberg machine at the same time. Thank you.” I grinned.

Doug smiled too, he knew what I was really saying. He changed the subject. “How about this Royal Rumble? We could watch it at your place. You have a projection set where I know that Dean doesn’t. Then, I could watch too.”

“You mean you like pro wrestling?!” I was flabbergasted.

“Yeah, I do. Sometimes after I leave here, I go home and watch it on late night. It is so stupid and funny. I guess I should come out of the closet. It is fun. The plots and prat falls are so hilarious.”

“Okay then. I will see what I can do.”

I made the arrangements with Dad, whom I found also liked pro wrestling, and soon found myself with Dean, Dad, and Doug as they began watching men misbehave and act like drama kings after they all shouted in unison the official prayer as the show started – ‘Are you ready to Rumble!’

“Clothesline! Give him a clothesline!” shouted Doug during the first match between this guy named Vader and Gold Dust.

“Y-yea!” said Dean. Dad just nodded.

“Have any of you guys even used a real clothesline?” I asked somewhat incredulous that they were really getting into the whole fake thing.

They just looked at me like I was from another planet. Dean said, “G-girls!”

It seemed cartoonish to me. I began to see them laugh and shout over the matches. I remembered. I was here to bond. So, I sat back and watched. So much of it I could tell was fake. But, I also contemplated if it was the humor that they found in the matches that was what caused them to enjoy watching. They could laugh over the ridiculous costumes and antics of the various wrestlers. The false concern over some wrestler named Stone Cold Steve Austin

And then I found myself enjoying watching the first match end when this lady runs up and jumps on Vader’s back and then he jumps off of the ropes with her on his back and pins his opponent to win the match.

The guys were shouting and hollering. They high fived each other too. And there was a part of me that understood their pleasure. It was funny. I looked over at my mother standing in the door jam watching us. She just shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. I looked at her and shook my shoulders.

I got up and went to the kitchen to prepare some snacks, sandwiches, and drinks for the guys. Grandpa came in and asked if he was too late. He went in to join them. It was just me, Mom, and Grandma.

“So, you are supposed to figure out what they see in that, huh?” Mom said.

“Yup. Thus far, it is the strangest soap opera I have ever seen.”

Grandma laughed. “Go get them tiger. You can do it. Rah Rah!”

I picked up the tray of food, looked back at them, rolled my eyes, and said, “If I am not back in an hour. Call 911.”

I took out the platter of food and the guys didn’t even say thank you.

I tried to sound interested. “So who is the The Rock?” They ignored me and kept watching. I wondered if they even heard my question.

Finally, someone said something. “The intercontinental champion.” said Doug.

“What does that mean?” I was ignored again. I think they didn’t know either. This bonding wasn’t going as planned.

“How quaint. The Rock is going against Kid ShamROCK.” I said sarcastically thinking they would appreciate my observation.

They just glared at me like I was an alien and went back to watching the match.

At the end of the match, Kid Shamrock won, but was disqualified because ‘The Rock’ had stuffed brass-knuckles in Kid’s shorts. I was seriously confused. If the cameras could see it, then why did someone tell the refs. I guess I was thinking too rationally. The guys didn’t even question it.

“You know, I think ‘The Rock’ will never amount to anything. Maybe he should go into acting since he does put on a good performance.”

Grandpa looked at me and winked. “Not as good as yours cutie pie.”

I didn’t know whether to blush or throw a drink in his face. I went back into the kitchen and sat down. I looked at my mom. “This isn’t working. They all are loving it and I am just not getting it.

Mom put her hand on mine. “Because you are trying to think. It is about emotion, not thinking. You complained that Robert worked out his anger on the football field, right?”

“Yeah.” Not my own words! Please Mom, not my own words!

“Well, this is how boys work out their emotions too. Boys need to process emotions in a way that works for them. For them, something like pro-wrestling gives them a chance to release their emotions in a controlled way. Go back in there and instead of watching the wrestling, watch how they deal with their emotions.”

“You mean like the last match where the winner was disqualified because the other guy cheated.”

“Yes. Honey, being a guy for most men means you hold your emotions in. Boys get good at that. When your Dad comes home, he doesn’t want to talk about work. So, I have to wait until he wrestles to make sense of the day before he can talk to me about his day. Sports and wrestling give them a chance to work out their feelings. So, go back in there not with the mindset that you need to understand how stupid the wresting is, but how much it allows them to express an emotion they have felt before but never had a chance to vocalize or express in real life because when it happened to them in real life, they had to man up and accept it like a man.”

I thought about what she said and went back into the chamber of horrors.

“Hey look. Someone from Nashville won Cold Stone Steve Austin’s truck.” said Dad.

I spent the rest of the matches watching the guys enjoy the wrestling matches. I began to see what Mom was talking about. The guys were having a good time enjoying the sub plots and the stupid silly intrigues of the show. It simple enough for them to understand. It was far from subtle by any stretch of the imagination. Not like the subtle plots of books I liked. Oh where did I put ‘Green Mansions?’

A few days later, Mom and Dad surprised me with plane tickets for us to travel to Boston on an early morning flight and catch a direct shuttle to Springfield on a Peter Pan Shuttle where my uncle would meet us and drive us up to Bernardston. Mom really wanted to see her brother again. It had been ages for all of us to see him and his young family.

Uncle Robert was a kind man as I last remember with a great ability to imitate voices he had heard in cartoons. He was a history professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. He taught American and European history. He married my aunt Sandra when I was about five and in first grade. I was too old to be a flower boy, but I was included in their wedding ceremony as a ring bearer.

Aunt Sandra was an accountant and worked for the university administration. They had their two children taken care of by day care at nearby the university for a few years. Their youngest boy, Tristan, was four. I had only seen pictures of him. Their little girl, Evelyn, was seven and was in second grade. I last saw her at the funeral of my grandfather running around. I helped take care of her.

Neither of my cousins had ever seen me as a girl, or a boy for that matter. So, the big debate was should I go as a boy or a girl. In the end, I found myself making some boy clothes real fast. Of course, the main reason was that it was full blown winter in New England and that made it easy for me to dress as a boy because I could borrow coats and jackets they had arranged to have for me to use. They didn’t know about my girlhood.

I would fly in as a girl, but get quickly changed into boy clothes as soon as I landed in Boston. I still had girl outfits in my suitcase, but it was weekend trip, so it would be easy to have both sets of clothes with me.

It would be the first time in over four months that I was a boy again and I was frightened. I didn’t know how to act anymore as a boy, but I played along with my folks. I knew that in order to make it all work, I would have to make a sacrifice in order to keep family unity.

I felt awkward and tried not to show it. I was standing inside the bus station with my folks waiting for my uncle to show up watching our luggage. I had my hair in a ponytail. I was most certainly in baggy boys clothes. So, I guess my stance with my standing on one foot and my other foot tucked in behind the foot I was standing on must have been female or maybe it was the Nancy Drew book I was reading so intently that threw my aunt. Because, while standing there, she appeared before me and said, “Excuse me miss, has the bus from Logan airport arrived yet?”

I looked up and saw who it was and replied, “Aunt Sandra, it is so good to see you! Mom and Dad are using the restrooms. Thank you for having us on such short notice.” I threw my arms around her and hugged her. It took a second, but she hugged me back.

“Sam, is that you? My, how you have grown. I’m sorry to call you miss, you just looked like … well, never mind. Your uncle had to do some last minute grading at the school and sent me to pick you all up.”

We arrived at their nice two story house and they put us up in their two guest rooms in their recently finished basement. I was surprised to not have to share a room. We would fly back Monday, so I had two good days with the cousins and my uncle.

Tristan, who was four and all boy. And Evelyn, who was seven, and all girl. Evelyn and I got along immediately. She was playing with her dolls when she said she wanted to do her make up. I said I could help.

“But you are a boy. Boys don’t know how to do make up, do they?”

“You would be surprised. Show me what you have.”

I stayed calm, but I was about to fall on the floor laughing. Evelyn had the same kit I had used with Cybil and Mary. I opened up the kit and I began to teach her how to make herself up. My aunt Sandra came in to watch me work with Evelyn. I was showing her how to polish her nails and take care of her cuticles.

“Where did you learn to do all that Sam?”

“My friend Mary taught me and Cybil last summer during summer school.”

“Oh yes, doing a Shakespeare play wasn’t it? Your Dad sent us a nice picture of you as Beatrice and said that you helped a little girl who died of cancer. I must say, you did make a fetching girl. Even dressed as you are now, you almost make a beautiful young lady. I guess that is why I mistook you for a girl at the station. Sorry about that.”

I tried, but I couldn’t help but blush. “Thanks Aunt Sandra. I think.” I added the last comment for effect. I didn’t want to say that I was actually thrilled to be seen as a girl.

“Cousin Sam, can we play dress up?” At this point, it was obvious Evelyn didn’t care if I was a ‘boy,’ and she wanted to do girl stuff with me.

“No, not right now. For one thing, you don’t have any clothes that fit me. And for another, I think my mom and dad would be uncomfortable with it. They want us to spend time with your Dad.”

“But you would be okay with that?” asked Aunt Sandra who was puzzled by my response.

I was caught. How do I get myself out of this one. I was beginning to realize that I was so feminine now that Sam, the boy, was getting real hard to see even when dressed as a boy.

“After all I played a girl …” Just then, a small boy shrieked because he had fallen and hit is head on the corner of his bed. She rushed to check him out leaving me with Evelyn. I couldn’t tell her I had girl clothes in my suitcase. Not yet.

Evelyn looked at me. “You played a girl?” I resisted saying I still do.

“Oh, yes Evelyn. I did.” I called out to my aunt, “Is everything okay in there?”

“Yes, he didn’t hit his head very hard at all. I think he just scared himself, that’s all. I am putting him back down for his nap.”

“Cousin Sam, how can you play a girl without being a girl?” Evelyn sounded curious about what I said.

“Do you have a Barbie and Ken doll Evelyn? Good, can you bring them to me. Thanks. Here, you hold Barbie and I will hold Ken.”

I said, “Hi Barbie, I’m Ken.”

Evelyn said, “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie.”

“Okay, did you play Barbie, a girl?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s switch.”

I said, “Hi Ken, I’m Barbie.”

“Hi Barbie, I’m Ken.” Evelyn said her line and giggled.

“Now, did I just play a girl?”

“Yes.”

“Did you just play a boy.”

“Yes, dummy.” I smiled at the insult.

“Playing a girl and being a girl are two different things. You just played a boy, but you are still a girl.”

“I see. So you played a girl just like with a doll.”

“The idea is similar. Now, here is a question for you. Close your eyes. Now, as I am speaking, do I sound like a girl or a boy?”

“Boy. No, wait. You really do sound like a girl. Why is that?”

“Keep your eyes closed. Really listen and tell me whether I sound like my Dad or my Mom.”

“Much more like your Mom. Did you just change your voice?” she said.

“You can open your eyes now. Yes, I did change my voice. Why I sound like a girl and like my Mom has something to do with a word called prosody. In this case, it means that when a girl speaks she speaks in a kind of natural song while boys don’t sing and their words are distinct. I learned to speak like that in Shakespeare class.”

This actually turned out to be one of the reasons Doug had me learn French. It was to disguise my learning to speak like a girl. The French language uses a little of prosody with words ending in ‘s’ going into a vowel. The first one I learned was the phrase ‘Allons-y.” The ‘s’ becomes a zed pronounced as an American ‘z’, thus sounding close to ‘a lone zee’ instead of sounding like ‘a lone e.’ The joining of the ‘s’ to the ‘y’ involves the use of prosody.

I went on to further explain why I passed for female. “Now look at my face. Do you see a beard or a mustache?”

“No, your skin looks soft and like …. like a girl.”

“How about my arms?”

“They are soft and more like a girl.”

“Now, when I played a girl in school, it was easy. Almost all boys and girls your age and younger look and sound the same. So, it is easy for a boy to play a girl. For some boys like me, this thing called puberty happens later and we can play girls longer than other boys. In Shakespeare’s day, they used that to allow boys to play girls and women until their voice cracked. In those days, girls and women weren’t allowed to act. It wasn’t until the late 1800s that women were allowed to act.”

Aunt Sandra said, “I think I heard that you kept playing a girl after summer school. Is that true?”

“Why, Sam, I would like to know too?” Evelyn looked very confused.

“Well, Evelyn, I like babies. No, I love babies. I want to be a baby doctor so much that I can taste it. And, the mother next door to us that lets me take care of her three babies first is of the belief that only girls can take care of babies. And, your aunt and uncle, my Mom and Dad, think that was unfair. And she thought I was a girl. So, they let me play a girl so that I can learn a whole bunch about how babies are cared for. I am learning how to help one of them walk right now. I feed them. I change them. I bath them. I cook and clean for them. I am having a world of experience that I could never have had unless my Mom and Dad let me play a girl. And I will keep playing a girl for as long as I can until I learn so much about taking care of children and what it is like for them that I feel I can stop and move on. I could never learn that at doctor school. I would simply tell the mother or dad what to do and not know what I was really asking of her. Now, I will know what I am asking them to do when I am a baby doctor.”

I didn’t know it. But my Aunt, Mom and Dad were standing there listening to my explanation.

“Son,” Dad said, “I didn’t realize that you wanted to be a baby doctor.”

“You didn’t hear that, Dad?”

“No.”

“It’s what I told Cybil the day I gave her the wig. I thought you overheard our conversation about my becoming a doctor and why I couldn’t get pregnant.”

“No son, I was talking to Mr. Allen about who I thought was going to be in the World Series. He hadn’t been able to watch much baseball obviously.”

I looked at Evelyn, shook my head, and said, “Boys! What are you going to do with them? They never listen, do they?” She giggled. So did my Mom and Aunt Sandra.

Mom said, “Well, Stud Muffin, he is right. He did talk to her about it. You totally missed it.” She pinched my Dad.

“Ow! I’m sorry son. I should have figured out why you were willing to be Samantha. I just thought you were grieving Cybil’s loss.”

“I was Dad. I am still grieving her loss. But, I am also honoring her memory by using the gift she gave me, of passing as a girl, to learn about children. She wanted me to be a good doctor. It was a part of her wish for me that I can’t just ignore.” A few tears ran down my face. “And I am sorry Dad, playing first base doesn’t help you learn how to help a baby girl avoid a yeast infection when changing her or how to handle diaper rash.”

“So that is why Doug said not to worry about it at the end of summer. He said that you were very empathetic and to give you time to explore. I am glad we did.”

“Thank you, Dad, for letting me explore. Looks like I owe another one to Doug.”

“So, you are okay with playing Samantha, a girl, and not embarrassed?” Evelyn said.

“Oh yes, not embarrassed at all!”

“Can we be girlfriends then?” She smiled and giggled.

I undid my pony tail and shook out my hair and combed it out with my fingers.

“What do you think?” with a big grin on my face.

“C’mon Samantha, let’s go play some more!”

My uncle came in later to join us for high pretend tea. He sat crossed legged while I poured pretend tea into his cup. I showed him my pink nails and commented on what a lovely job Evelyn did. Evelyn giggled. She got up ever so elegantly and said that she had to go the powder room and may be a bit.

While we waited for her to come back, I had a chance to talk to my uncle.

I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and said, “Do you do pretend tea with her often, uncle?”

“Oh yes, I really enjoy doing this with her. Which is ironic, since I never did it with your mother when we were younger. I was too much into boy stuff to spend time with my older sister doing girl stuff. I was a bit of a brat to your mother, frankly. I loved baseball and baseball cards. I can still quote stats from all my favorite players. From Babe Ruth to Willie Mays. And Fenway has to be my favorite baseball park in the whole wide world. I love going to games there. I was in heaven when I got the job here.”

“Do you take Evelyn to games?”

“I have tried. She isn’t interested. But, I am hopeful she will.”

“Do you think she would if I came along?”

“That would be nice. But, how would you convince her?”

“Well, I guess I could go dressed as Samantha. I bet she would love to go then.”

“Oh no, I just wouldn’t ask you to do that.”

“It wouldn’t be any inconvenience. In fact, I could come back this summer and we could all go. I could make special outfits that would be girly and celebrate baseball. Maybe pin striped skirts. That could break the ice. Please, uncle Robert, let me do this for you two.”

Mom was standing in the doorway with Sandra. “Yes, Robert, let her do it. I think it is a great idea. Even if she just makes a dress for Evelyn.”

Uncle Robert seemed very confused. “Umm, Pam, why did you say ‘she’ and ‘her?’”

Mom, motioned aunt Sandra to go into the room and she closed the door. “I have to come clean with you guys. Sam is helping the police with uncover investigations. So, until the end of this year, Sam is a girl at school and all the time at home. She, I mean he, is dressed as a girl 24/7. Sam is only dressed as the boy he is right now because we didn’t know how to tell you.”

Uncle Robert turned and looked at me. He was clearly having trouble understanding what he had heard. Aunt Sandra giggled. I think she suspected.

“Yes, uncle Robert. I have helped the police expose several child porn operations. It was Daddy’s idea that if they found out from lawyers that I was a boy, they would never look for me as a girl.”

He thought for a moment. Looked back at my Mom who just nodded and smiled. He turned back to me. “You mean, you could dress as a girl right now and no one would know the difference.”

“Not even you uncle. Aunt Sandra said it herself, that even in boy clothing, I still make a fetching girl. And, she did mistake me for a girl at the bus station.” Aunt Sandra nodded.

“Wow, I would really like to see that sometime.” he said.

“In fact, Robert, when Sam leaves late Sunday night, she will board the plane to Nashville dressed as a girl. Because of her cover, she can’t even be seen as a boy on any databases like a flight manifest. It is part of our agreement with the state in order to guarantee her cover is kept.”

“Is this putting Sam in danger to be dressed as a boy right now?” asked aunt Sandra.

Mom came out with the truth. “We lied to the authorities about Sam coming here. They were told she was coming as a she. And, since she had to dress warmly in the girls room at the airport, no one saw Sam dressed as a boy on the shuttle coming to Springfield.”

“But, since it will be dry and in the low forties on Sunday night, Sam could be discovered?” said a worried Aunt Sandra.

Mom sighed. “Yes. It is a possibility.”

Aunt Sandra looked at me and then my Mom. “Is she in real danger?”

“We don’t think so. But, Bill, our handler is very concerned that we stick to protocol for Sam’s sake.”

“Sam, do you have girl’s clothes with you?” Aunt Sandra asked.

“Yes. I do.”

Uncle Robert looked at aunt Sandra as he thought about what he just heard. His protective side trumped his gender order. “Sam, would you please go become Samantha. I will do the explaining to the kids. Okay.”

“Yes sir.” I got up and left the adults to talk about it. I ran downstairs to my guest room feeling giddy at the turn of events. I couldn’t wait to get out of my boy clothes. I put on wool clothes we had picked up at the consignment store. I had a nice grey wool pleated skirt and a pretty peach silk blouse. I put on a nice cardigan that matched the grey of my skirt. I had some Mary Jane wedge style shoes which I put on. It was nice to have panties on again. I used my old gaff to hide my penis. I put on some really nice flesh tone stockings. I combed out my head and put a black headband on. I put on some cute ear rings. I adjusted my silver heart necklace and put my hands through a couple of bracelets and headed upstairs. I looked more like a girl in a school uniform than anything else which is the look we were going for when we bought them. Then I grabbed my purse, checked it, and slung it over my shoulder.

I came back upstairs to find just uncle Robert sitting with Evelyn. I knocked on the open door. “Evelyn, can Samantha join you?”

Uncle Robert and Evelyn looked at me with amazement. “Sam, you are so pretty! Is that really you?” said Evelyn.

“Thank you Evelyn. Please call me Samantha. You are very kind for saying so.” I twirled around to show her my outfit.

Uncle Robert spoke up, “Well I think we should do something special. Why don’t I take my little girl and my cute niece out to a real tea house?”

“Oh yes, Daddy, can we?”

So, my uncle took just us girls to a little English tea house in the village called The Cotswold Primrose where we had high tea. We enjoyed tea, sandwiches, scones, and crumpets. It was a wonderful treat to spend time with my uncle and cousin. I love scones and I found out that I loved Irish clotted cream and jam too with them too. Yum! I also learned that my uncle loved his daughter very much and wanted to find a way to share with him his love of baseball. I was looking forward to coming in the summer to help my uncle’s dream come true. And, maybe go up to St. Jean-sur-Richleau to spend time with Yvonne.

We returned late Monday night and I was a bit out of it on Monday, but no one noticed. It helped that I slept on the plane. Grandpa taught me some techniques he used for falling asleep and I found they worked. Of course, being snuggled between my Dad and Mom in the middle seat really helped.

January turned into February and Erin approved me to start up again in March. Dean asked me to go to the Valentine’s Day dance. I liked that Valentine’s Day was on Saturday too. Dad chaperoned us since Mom had to work that dance too. That let Mr. and Mrs. Pilsner have a Valentine’s day dinner, movie, and evening to themselves. Jane agreed to fly with me the next weekend to see Robert and let Mom and Dad have a romantic weekend.

I must admit, I did have butterflies for this dance. I secretly was enjoying ice dancing with Dean just as much as I did with ballroom dancing. He was beginning to get his ice legs and balance. I knew he would. Doug and Mary were coming with us. We arrived in a van which made it all the nicer. Mary and Doug sat in the far back. Dean opened the door for me and was ever the gentleman.

Like last time, we danced the night away. Except this time, Mr. Thompson didn’t do a special last song in French. He got around it though. Dean told me that the last dance belonged to my Dad. I smiled. Mr. Thompson put on Roger and Hammerstein’s ‘Shall We Dance.’ The waltz with my dad was even better than before. And like the dance in October, when I twirled out and looked at him, there were applause. I hugged him and Dean.

As we were walking out, Dad had to go get the car. Dean stood there like a perfect gentleman looking so very handsome. On impulse, I seized my chance. I pulled him in to the alcove next to us where no one could see us, looked at up at him, put my arms around his neck, and kissed him on the lips and hugged him. He melted as did I in our embrace. I wanted to do more than that, but I gently pushed back and said, “Just making sure you know that ninth grade is worth waiting for Dean. Plus, it is Valentine’s Day. I had to do something special for the man of my dreams.” I blushed and giggled. He just grinned and showed off my lipstick. Oh dear, I had left lipstick on him. I quickly pulled a kleenex from my purse and cleaned him up.

Dean smiled at me as we dropped him off. “S-see y-you during c-choir.” I winked at him and when my dad wasn’t looking, blew him a kiss. I sat back in the car and realized, I had done something impulsively that I could regret. I hadn’t thought about how I could hurt him if he found out I was a boy. I went home and feigned being happy. I went up stairs and cried in my pillow. I needed to tell Doug.

The next day, Doug and I went for a long walk. “I didn’t think Doug. All I wanted was to do something romantic on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t think about Dean. I thought only of myself.”

Doug smiled and patted me on the back. “It’s okay. No real harm done. If the truth comes out, you will just tell Dean you were playing a part. But, it is clear that the hormones are kicking in. You are going to have to watch the impulse control. Especially after your transition.”

“Why?” I wondered.

“Because, unlike most girls, there will be no consequences regarding sex. You can’t get pregnant. If you don’t work on that control, in High School, you could become the go to girl for losing one’s virginity because no one needs to worry about getting you pregnant. And that is not the only complication.”

“What other complication could there be?”

“After you have surgery, you will have to use what is called a dildo to keep your vagina open for sex. That will cause some simulation and inevitably, you will want to masturbate. That will increase your desire to have sex. This may be one consideration you might have for waiting until your eighteen to have surgery.”

“I hadn’t even really thought of that.”

“In fact, I am going to recommend that you remain a virgin until marriage. That way, you learn to control your sexuality.”

We walked a couple of blocks not saying anything. “Doug. Thank you for being my friend and telling me the truth. This is something I really couldn’t discuss with Dr. Cramer. But, I know her advice would be the same as yours.”

“Well, I only steal from the best. The important thing for you to know, Samantha, is that by telling me what happened right away, you have taken the first step to self-control.”

“Will it be a problem in the fall?”

“I don’t think so. The hormones are rewiring you right now. By summer, I can tell if it will be a problem. But, it may mean that you have to end your relationship with Dean from the time I leave until you transition. Or maybe Mary can take over. My guess is that you can just simply say that it is frustrating you not to be able to date him and that you will wait for him in ninth grade. I think if he hears that you don’t have a boy friend, it will go over better.”

“Okay. But, be sure to stay with me and keep an eye on me.”

“Agreed.”

And then it hit me. “Um, Dean?”

“Yes.”

“Have you done it yet with Mary?”

Doug blushed. “No, not yet. We have kissed and, well, really enjoyed it. But, we aren’t in a rush. I guess we could use a chaperon too.”

“What if we both take a pledge to wait and then tell Mary and Dean.”

“Darn it, Samantha. Do you have to come up with such good ideas?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because stats show that waiting improves the odds of building a solid marriage when both wait. I think you will find your Dad and your Mom waited. As did mine.”

“Does this mean you might marry Mary one day?”

Doug blushed and looked down with a huge grin on his face.

“Thanks Doug. I knew you were a romantic and good for Mary. I think you would make a great husband and wife.” He looked at me and tried to say something. The only thing that came out was a tear and a smile. I hugged him and we went in to get some lunch and talk about other stuff that was happening. It was the first real chance I had in months to have one of our counseling sessions.

Early Saturday morning, before sunrise, Jane walked with me down the jetbridge waiting our turn to board the plane to Denver. She was just as excited to be able to see Robert as I was. Which meant we were both planning to find ways to enjoy the trip without him.

“Well, we can dump him and go shopping, can’t we?” I looked up at her with pleading eyes.

“Sure, pipsqueak. But aren’t you supposed to bond with him?”

“Did you bring the crazy glue?”

“No. Sorry!” She giggled. “Did you bring money?”

“Five-hundred bucks I earned babysitting.” I said proudly.

“Wow! What do you want to buy?”

“Anything warm to get rid of this drab uniform Mom bought me. And, I have outgrown the dress she bought me for Cybil’s funeral.”

“You could let O’Brien buy you something since you know who would pay for it.”

“Not really the same. I want to buy something for myself, with my money, so I can enjoy it. Lately, I have been feeling more and more that I want to develop and explore my own style.”

Jane imitated my mother and said, “As long as it is tasteful young lady!”

“Party pooper!” I giggled and then stuck my tongue out at her.

I hugged her and said, “Thank you, Jane. I love spending time with you.”

“I do too, Pipsqueak.” She kissed my head.

The flight was uneventful and quick because of the time zone change. I expected to see Robert greet us in baggage claim alone. Instead, not only did he greet us, but, he had this cute blonde wearing the jacket I made him for Christmas wearing my creation instead. And, in turn, she was wearing him like a well worn jacket. She was all over him like melted butter on hot toast. Jane and I looked at each other. We didn’t need to say it. There was no way I could bond with Robert this weekend and we were both happy.

Robert’s warm wrap was called Tickles. It was her cheerleading name in high school, but, due to an injury during homecoming in her high school, she was out of the cheerleading business the rest of the year until the fall of her sophomore year when she could try out for the college cheerleading squad. She was about five seven, one hundred and fifteen pounds of perk and pork-ability according to what Jane whisphered into my ear. Her long flowing blond mane came down to the small of her back and her eyes were a lovely shade of hazel. Even her dress and outfit looked like a cheerleading outfit.

The only thing she was missing was pom poms and bobby socks. And she squeaked like a cute little mouse when ever Robert said something funny. Or rather, something she thought was funny. Jane whispered in my ear, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” I bit my tongue. I just wanted to curl up on the floor and laugh my fool head off.

We got in Robert’s Pontiac and I was in the back with Tickles. She wanted to get to know me better. Ugh!

“Are you the one who taught Robert how to make those delicious hamburgers? I have to say, he is the only jock I have ever met who can cook. I just love his burgers with french fried onions and a fried egg.” she said in this syrupy voice.

“Thank you. Robert was a very good student. Has he cooked them often?”

“Are you kidding. He cooked burgers on the grill for the football team during the fall season. That is how I met him. He told me as he was leaving the dorms that he was going over to cook the team hamburgers and I just latched on to him to see him at work because I couldn’t believe it. No one ever thought of adding the stuff he does to burgers. Most of the time, they just slap cheese on them. But, he showed up saying his sister taught him to be a gourmet burger cook and he sure showed them a thing or two.”

I looked up at Robert driving us to Fort Collins and I could see he was beaming with pride at what she was saying. I was also pleased to find the time I took to teach him how to cook was used to great advantage. I was amazed that he actually listened to me.

“So, did you really make this jacket for him too?”

I blushed. “Yes, I did.”

“This is so cool. You are such a talented girl. I love it. It is so warm and I can smell his cologne and not his sweat. I have to admit that I love the fact that his clothes are also cleaner than the other football players too. And he keeps his room nice at the dorm. By the way, you will be staying with your sister in a separate dorm room nearby his. It has a bathroom, but no shower. I hope you don’t mind. And unlike his room, it has no kitchenette.”

“No, I can do sponge baths, I guess.”

“Oh, there are shower facilities down the hall. You just won’t have to use a common bathroom which is nice. You will also be on the bottom floor, which means you can open the sliding door and enjoy the grounds. I live on the second floor since it is a coed dorm.”

“What are you studying?” I desperately wanted to change the subject.

“I am a psychology major. I really appreciate Robert’s help. He is tutoring me in Algebra which I need in order to take statistics and get my degree. I don’t know what I would do without him.” She looked out the window and the view of the snow covered mountains. I looked over at my sister who was looking at us. She rolled her eyes.

She said to me in the room as we were settling in that Tickles had Robert by the short hairs. She also said that once Tickles finished with him, she would move on to someone else. I felt sorry for Robert. He didn’t see how he was being used. Of course, what I didn’t see is that he didn’t care. They needed each other now and in the future they might move on to even more shallow relationships.

Still, Robert was growing. There was a part of me that said in his getting dumped by her, his heart might grow more sensitive and the wound of heart break would yield a longing for a deeper relationship. Better that he be dumped than he do the dumping and start a life long desire to have someone who cared more for him that his usefulness to her at the moment.

While Jane settled in, I wandered into the main foyer. I saw a piano and began to test it. It was a little out of tune, but it played well enough for me to use it. I began playing a few tunes and decided to practice my solo. I was singing ‘Chanter’ when a nice attractive brunette looked over at me as she was leaving the building. She stopped and came over to me. She began singing the song with me. I enjoyed our duet. I was stunned with her nice voice and stopped after a few verses.

“Salut, merci de m'avoir accompagnée.” (Hello, thank you for accompanying me)

“De rien. Bon jour. J’m’appelle Juliette. Je viens d’Harfleur, en Normandie. Etes-vous Francaise?” (You are welcome. Hello, my name is Juliette. I come from Harfleur, in Normandy. Are you French?)

“Ravi de faire votre connasaince, Juliette. Mon prenom est Samantha. Non, je suis Americane. Parlez-vous Anglais?” ( a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Juliette. My name is Samantha. I am American. Do you speak English?) I put out my hand and we shook hands.

“Yes, I do. But, you speak French very well.”

“Merci. I come from Tennessee. I am here with my sister visiting my brother.”

“I see you like the music of Florent Pagney too.”

“Yes, I am using his song for a choir solo in April. I really like his song. Are you an exchange student?”

“Well, yes and no. I am here studying civil engineering as a foreign student. But I am here for four years. I was headed over to help build a boat out of concrete.”

“Concrete?! Sans blague!” (your joking!)

“Yes, no joke, there is a competition between the engineering schools on who can build the fastest and best boat out of concrete. And I want us to win this year. The school won the competition back in 1992.”

We were chatting away for about fifteen minutes when Jane came out with Robert and joined us. “Voici ma soeur Jane et mon frere Robert, Juliette.”

“A pleasure to meet you Jane and Robert. You have a cute little sister here. She speaks French very well. I have seen you around here Robert. You are student also, non?” I noticed how she looked at Robert. It was more than a casual look.

“Yes. Yes I am. I am a business major.” I could tell Robert was interested.

“Well, I do have to run. I am so sorry. Maybe I will see you all again.” She shook all our hands and gave me and Jane a French ‘bise’ on both our cheeks. This was not lost on Robert.

As she left, I looked up at Robert as I got up from the piano bench, “She seems very nice and sweet, Robert. Too bad you are dating Tickles. She sounded like she might be interested in you.”

“You think?” Robert watched her shapely figure go out the door. Jane looked at me with a smirk. I winked at her. Then we starting walking to his car. He was faster and he was few meters in front of us when Jane leaned down and whispered in my ear. “You sneak! Good job.” She had a big smile on her face.

Tickles met up with us in old town. I learned that Fort Collins was the inspiration for main street Disneyland. I had to admit, it was a beautiful town. We assembled in front of a nice restaurant. “Okay, since I am the cause of this trip Robert, lunch is on me. No argument. Mom and Dad gave me the money, so you can relax. They are really paying for it. But they want me to learn what it is like to pay for a meal.”

We sat down and were doing the standard dance every one does in an unfamiliar restaurant. We were looking over the menu and deciding what to eat. I noticed a man talking to another at a table about two tables away. He looked familiar. After a moment, I quickly chose something, told the rest of the gang, and I decided to get up to go to the bathroom which would lead me past him. I looked at him and smiled as I passed. He smiled back. I saw a tattoo on his arm which confirmed my suspicion. Being so young, he didn’t suspect me at all.

I went into the back of the restaurant and saw a pay phone. I picked it up and dialed zero. “Hello, I would like to make a collect phone call to 314-555-3856. My name, Samantha Miller. I would like to talk to Debbie. Yes, I will wait. Hello Debbie. Samantha here. I am in Fort Collins, Old Town. Quick. The man whose BOLO you had in your briefcase when I last saw you is in the restaurant I am eating at. Jeremy Bolton I think his name was. He has the same tattoo in the photo.” I gave her the details and where he was in the restaurant. She told me to go back to the table and just enjoy the meal.

About twenty minutes later, just after our order came. While we were eating, I could see a man come in from the back of the restaurant. By the look of the men entering the front of the restaurant, I could tell they were cops. They asked to have a seat for two in the back. As they walked past Bolton, they stopped and showed their badges. “Come with us Mr. Bolton.” They arrested him and handcuffed him on the spot and interviewed the man next to him.

After they led both men away, I excused myself again saying that I need to go again blaming the flight. The man in the back walked up to me and said, “Hi, I am agent Carlton. Thank you Samantha. I will let Debbie know. Good work. And you followed her instructions to the letter. You are really one brave little lady.”

“Thank you, sir. Tell Debbie I am looking forward to seeing her next month.”

“You may not remember me, but I was one of the agents down in Castle Rock. I saw your work. I can’t say how much I admire your willingness to help us.”

“You all are the real heroes. I am just happy I can help.”

“You have done more than that. I have personally saved three girls from a life ruined by those animals. There are a lot of girls out there safer because of you.”

“I think I am beginning to see that. Thank you again.”

I went to the bathroom and closed the door locking it. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. “I am not telling Mom and Dad about this one. They wouldn’t believe me.” I used the toilet, washed my hands, adjusted my make up, put on more lip gloss, and headed back to eat my lunch.

On the way back from the bathroom, I saw a piece of paper beneath the table of the two gentlemen and put it in my jacket pocket. I would look at it later.

When I got the bill. There was a post-it note on it. “Just leave the tip. Agent Carlton has picked up the tab.” I put a twenty in it and handed it to the waitress who smiled and winked at me. “Keep the change Ma’am. And thank you.”

After lunch, we walked around. Jane and Tickles spotted a nice dress shop. They went in. I was about to follow when Robert held me back. “Let them shop. I recognized that man you were talking to in the restaurant. He was there when I saw you in Castle Rock. Did you have something to do with the man they arrested?”

“Yeah. I knew him from a flier Agent Debbie had. I called it in when I went to the bathroom.”

We sat down on a bench facing the store to talk.

“What have you been doing? I heard Mom say something happened in Australia? Then I heard you had been in Canada over Christmas and that you broke something open in the Smoky Mountains. And something about capturing a bad guy from Arizona. And now, I find you catching someone in my backyard.” Robert just shook his head.

“I have been going to school too you know. I am going to do a solo during the upcoming competition in April. I wish you could come. I miss not having you around to annoy.”

“I miss having you annoy me too. Seems like I have to grow up and go out into the world. It’s kind of scary. I don’t want to be a stock boy again. That was not a fun job.”

“Is that why you are taking business administration?”

“Yeah. I figure that is where the money is.”

“But is that where your heart is?” I asked. Robert looked down the street troubled by my question.

“Where is your heart Sam?” I looked down at the quaint brick lined sidewalk thinking about Robert’s question.

“I am going to be a baby doctor. I want to help them be born healthy or be raised healthy. I keep switching from obstetrician and gynecologist to pediatrician.”

“You mean you don’t want to go into law enforcement? I mean, well, you are so good at it.”

“No way. I mean, I love helping them now. It is just that the only thing I am doing is just being window dressing for the real talent. I find taking care of babies like Alice, Brian, and Carol is so much fun, I can’t get enough of it.”

“Well, I enjoy football. But, as good as I am, I will never be on a pro football team. And business, well, it would bring in the money, I guess.”

“I take care of babies because they are my passion. Law enforcement is for making the world safe because bullies scare me. But it isn’t my passion. So, what is your passion?”

“I like coaching the other players. I went to the daily training at the gym and helped the other players in high school. I loved it. I could train them to improve their muscle strength and performance. That is part of the reason I said yes to Josh that fateful day. I really wanted to pass my knowledge along to the next player coming up after me. Secretly, even though my record would fall, there was a part of me that really wanted it to be because I taught the next player how to be better.”

“So, would you like to be a teacher and a coach?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms before. I think it would make me happy.”

“Would you chose coaching over playing football in college?”

“That is a tough question. But, yeah, I think so.”

“You would have to teach another subject in school like English or history. Would you be willing to do that?”

“Yeah, probably history. But, yes. I could do that.” Robert was cheering up. “When did you get so smart little Sis?”

“Hanging around Doug. It rubs off.”

“Yeah, it does. He is the reason I am here. Without his tutoring or encouragement, I would be nowhere.”

“So, why Tickles? She isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.”

“She keeps me warm at night.” He looked like he did when I drilled him on his secret socks.

“TMI. You know it isn’t going to work out?”

“I think we both know. I think it keeps us from being lonely. She can’t wait to join the cheerleading squad. And I can’t wait to join the football team.”

“It won’t work if you find that the loneliest place for you is in another person’s arms, Robert.”

“Damn! When did you grow up and learn that?”

“A girl picks these things up.” I put my arm around my brother and rested my head on his shoulder. “Especially when she finds that she isn’t so lonely when she is with one of her favorite brothers. I love you Robert.”

I could swear I could see him cry. “I love you too, Samantha. And who is her other brother?” As much as I wanted to buy a new dress, it didn’t seem as important as this moment I was sharing with Robert.

“Doug.”

“Yeah, he is, isn’t he?” Robert nodded at the suggestion that Doug was a brother.

Back at his dorm room, I found he had a small kitchenette stove and oven. I made a list of items he would need and supplies. We headed to the store and I bought some basic items for him. Going back to his place, I taught Robert how to make croque monsieurs.

“Why do I need to learn to do this, again?” he asked.

Jane answered, “Because, silly, you have a French girl in the dorm. And if you learn how to cook a common French dish she loves, you could win her heart. To her, it is comfort food.”

“But what about Tickles?”

We both looked at him, put our hands on our hips, and stared at him. “All right, all right. I get it. Our relationship is a matter of convenience and ...” he looked at me and changed what he was going to say, “… of extreme hand holding. I didn’t know it was that obvious.”

“Thank you Robert for that word picture. It is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.” I said. Jane laughed.

“Hey Samantha, another great pick up line. ‘Hey, want to do extreme hand holding with me?”

I took some flour and threw it at her. And then we all laughed.

I also got him a pot and taught him how to cook a lobster, cut it up, and plate it.

“Okay, why should I know how to cook a lobster?” as I dumped the lobster into boiling water.

“Because, dear brother, the croque monsieur will catch her attention, but the lobster will seal the deal. Trust me.”

“Okay, Samantha.” He hugged me and I made sure he knew how to cook both items of food.

When we said goodbye, I told my brother that I was sure that Juliette would need help lifting the heavy concrete boat into the water. It might be a great way to get to know her. And I told him to bring a croque monsieurs for lunch when he asks to help and ask if she would like half of his sandwich.

On the flight back, Jane said, “So, squirt. You never did buy that dress.”

“I know. We will just have to go shopping when we get back. But Robert needed rescuing.”

“It sounded like you and Robert really bonded?”

“Yeah, I think he is a lot softer than I realized. There really is a heart in there somewhere.”

“You may be right. I liked that Juliette. I hope he drops Tickles and goes for someone with depth and a real plan for their life.”

I lifted the arm rest and nuzzled against Jane. She put her arm around me and I slept until we were landing in Nashville. It was a long weekend.

My last assignment was Bill. After chatting with him about March, I found out he was going to be doing a Blue and Gold ceremony with his son. He invited us to come so we could find out about scouting. I think he was thinking about convincing me to join after my tour of duty.

It was a Saturday and it was at a local church’s hall. There were streamers in Blue and Gold all over the place. There were families with scouts dressed in their blue uniforms. Some older scouts came in tan uniforms. I found out that at each grade, a child was a different rank. Timothy, Bill’s nine year old, was a bear going into being a Weblos after a cross over ceremony in March. There were lots of awards and talk about what scouting did for the family. Then they had an entertainer come in to do magic. It was a nice ceremony.

Mom and I were at the table with Bill. It turned out that he was the den leader for his son’s den. They did camp outs, fishing, and other fun activities. I wondered why my dad hadn’t gotten me into it. But, to each his own.

“So, were you a scout too?” I asked Bill.

“Yes. I went Eagle. I also joined Order of the Arrow which is an honorary organization in scouts.”

“How come my Dad never was in scouts?”

“He was in 4H as I remember. There was a lot to do in 4H also. And, when we were growing up, this was an agricultural area still. Today, it is different.”

“I learned a little about scouts in Australia. There was a museum I went to in Ballarat. But, seeing a uniform on a boy is much different that seeing the uniforms inside a museum on display.”

“You know, if a boy were to join when they are thirteen or so, there would be enough time to go Eagle. Just a thought in case you know someone who wants to join.” I understood the hint.

“What would be in it for them?”

“Well, if they join the military, it means an automatic rank advancement from private to private first class. Also, those who tend to make Eagle do well in life. Neil Armstrong is an Eagle Scout, for example. And it helps with college applications too.”

“Well, too bad girls can’t join or else I might sign up.” I winked at him. “But seriously, what did you get out of scouting?”

“Time with my Dad in the beginning. We shared the same experiences and learned to talk to each other. And, when I became an impossible teenager, which you will soon become, we still could communicate through scouting. It gave us a place where we could connect. An added benefit is that scouting isn’t competitive. So, unlike sports, I didn’t have to compete for his affection by getting so many touchdowns or hitting so many home runs. I just had to advance in rank. And, that told him I was growing and maturing which in turn meant he could trust me more. Scouting is a win win. A win for the Dad who can see his son grow and a win for the son who can show his Dad how much he has grown.”

After the magic show, we were called outside. The sun was soon going to be setting. They began to do something I have never seen before. A flag retirement ceremony. The cub master called us all together in front of a fire.

“The Congress of the United States has authorized the Boy Scouts of America to retire a flag with dignity.” A group of cub scouts unfurled a tattered and faded stars and stripes.

“This flag has flown over a local police station for the last several years. It has represented our country and the principles of freedom by which it was founded. As we retire this flag, let us salute it one last time and say the pledge of allegiance.”

After the pledge, the boys solemnly and quietly folded the flag. They presented it to Bill.

Bill said, “As a member of the armed services, I served under this flag. I swore to defend and protect her. And I retire this well worn flag giving it its due honor for its honorable service.” He with slow and deliberate steps approached the fire, placed the flag in the fire, and stepped back. He stood at attention and slowly raised him arm to salute the flag. All the scouts saluted too. The rest of us placed our hands over our hands. When the flag was consumed by the fire, he retired his salute.

I don’t know why. Whether it was patriotism or the dignity by which everyone was behaving, but I began to cry silently because of the solemn reverence that this ceremony had which was so beautiful.

I may not be a man when I grow up, but I had come to appreciate what it took to be a real man. Loyalty, honor, and dignity. It takes a lot of courage to be a real man. I was almost saddened to realize that I wouldn’t ever be one. At the same time, I realized I really wasn’t one and that it was foolish to pretend otherwise. While I didn’t desire to be a man, I discovered how much a good and decent man was worth loving, supporting, and respecting.

In bonding with the men in my life, I had come to appreciate what kind of men they were. They weren’t so bad after all. In fact, they were admirable in many ways.

I was doing my laundry from the trip to see Robert when I found the piece of paper I picked up in my jacket. I read it and my jaw dropped.

“Agent Debbie, I got something for you. I am sorry I forgot about it, but I found a piece of paper at the table where Jeremy Bolton sat. It fell underneath the table and wasn’t obvious to the police who picked him up.”

I read her what was on the note.

“Oh wow, that changes everything. I’m sending Bill over immediately to collect it. Thanks Samantha. Good job.”

I hung up the phone. Things were going to get interesting.

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner

[author’s note: One day, years ago, when I was twenty something, I had to have my car fixed. I took it to my favourite repair shop which I knew would do it right. But, it would take four hours and I had to kill time. Sitting in the dealership, I kept getting asked if I wanted to buy a car. I had enough.

So, I went next door at some point to a sandwich shop, plopped down at common counter for just singles like many old fashioned sandwich shops have, and proceeded to order and have a nice long lunch.

This thin shapely woman strolled in and sat at the counter a little ways from me. I observed her acting very much like the woman at the bistro I write about. Not being in a rush myself, she left before I did, and I pondered what I had just seen.

I asked the person at the counter serving me and it was explained to me why she was so jerky and poorly dressed for the weather.

I can be a bit naive sometimes. Well, actually quite a bit. I had to have someone explain to me what a titty bar was when I was in my early thirties. I had never been in one. Still haven’t. In the case of the young lady at the sandwich shop, I had no idea that the business I had passed a hundred times over the years on my way by the dealership to do some errand was a strip club.

Knowing the truth, it broke my heart that I could understand by the way she looked around the room that day that it was as much as a cry for help as it was her hope that people would notice her with her clothes on.

I wish I had known. I wish I had known what to say. I wish I had known what to do. I just wish I could have made a difference because I could sense she was hurting.

That scene has haunted me every since. I have on occasion wondered and worried about her over the years praying that life improved for her.

– AuP ]