Letters to a wife, on a sons change after a hard divorce.
One of the Divorce Pawns
Written by Dauphin
So here I am sitting alone in my new flat, getting used to living alone after being married to you for 11 years. It is a shame that we are part of the statistics that half the marriages do no work.
We had a bitter divorce. I know you did not want it. I have tried explaining to you why I needed a divorce. I could no longer see the woman that I married. You were once the nicest woman I ever knew. You were a saint and always placed people's well-being first. You always had empathy and compassion and wanted to help. When we were married, no better wife could be found. You considered us as a unit that loved and supported each other. I really did love you and looked forward to every moment we were together.
We were so lucky that Samuel was born. I remember that you were sure he would be born as a girl. We were blessed with a healthy boy. This was the first crises in our marriage, where you had a depression after Samuel was born. This was so hard, as I did not know what to do. At least you came out of it, convincing yourself that we could have more children. You wanted a princess.
Things never were the same again. You become so bitter, that your personality changed. Year by year went by and it was becoming hard to live with you. I did not want to come home to you. Besides being bitter to life, you were jealous at many that had a perfect family and you in many ways became evil, gossiping about others and ever so happy when others were unhappy.
I think I had enough when Mrs. Stein's daughter had a bike accident, and you said that she had an unfit mom.
Why did you become so bitter and so mean? We could have had the happiest family on earth. However, this was not good enough for you. We have a 7-year-old son that is healthy and happy.
The divorce was hard, as I could see you thought it was my entire fault. You seemed very bitter at the last court meeting and I was surprised at your outburst that I would regret this someday.
I love the woman that I once knew. Maybe someday when we get used to the divorce and our new life that we could meet and talk. After all, we still have Samuel. I am so happy he is still in my life.
I am so proud of my son. Maybe he will be a sports star or even a president one day. We have an extra responsibility now. We have to show him that even though we are divorced, that we still love him and both want the best for him.
I will finish now and send my best regards.
I was hoping you would reply to my last letter, but understand that you are not ready for it.
It was so lovely having Samuel visit me last weekend. I was a bit surprised when he was standing at my door with purple sandals. Things must have changed, as I remember when I was a child, that sandals were considered feminine. I suppose fashion changes and Samuel said you thought they were pretty, and so does he.
Despite the troubles we have gone though, it was lovely to see that he was smiling and happy. We watched football on TV as well as wrestling. Then we looked at some spiderman comics that he had with him. In a way, it was a huge change being a divorced dad, as even though it was only a weekend, we spent some quality time together.
One bad point in the weekend was when I was tucking him in bed. He asked me what revenge meant. I, of course, explained as best as I could and told him it was not good. It was time-consuming and it was primitive. He explained that he heard you tell your aunt that you were so mad that I left you, and you hated me. He did not understand when you said that you would hurt me so much by changing the one thing I loved. I explained to Samuel that you were stressed and did not mean it. This, however, concerns me. I know we have had a bad divorce, and it was overall a bad atmosphere. Is it not wise that we do not put Samuel in the middle of it? I will never say anything bad about you or destroy Samuels’s good image of you. He should not be a pawn and used as revenge.
One thing that I noticed is Samuels' hair. It has not been cut in about a year. I know we have been busy in courts, and you most likely did not think it was a priority. It is down to his shoulder! I know that was very popular in the 1970’s. I had the same hair when I was a boy. Everyone thought I was a girl. I think boys should have short and tidy hair. If you do have time to get his hair cut, I could do it the next time he visits me.
I have tried ringing to you but you seem to hang up the phone when you hear my voice. I must admit I have tried many times. I think you know it wasn’t some scammer. I got the messages; you are still not ready for me. That is ok.
Once again, I had a great weekend with Samuel. I must admit I got a shock when I saw him holding a doll. I recognized it as your raggy doll that you had a child. At first, I thought he may have found it, but when I asked why he had a doll, he said that you gave it to him. I did not know what to say. I sat and looked at him holding the doll and thought of what my friends that I knew as a boy would have said if they saw me holding a doll. Times must have changed.
He watched TV when I cooked, but this time he was watching a Disney film of Cinderella. I asked him if he would rather see wrestling and he gave me a strange look and said that he wanted to watch this. It was at this time I noticed you did cut his hair. You just cut his fringe. Something did not look right about it.
That night when I was asleep, I was thinking about the doll. Then it hit me. You gave him a doll to keep him company during the divorce. It is a way to tell him that he is not alone. An iPod would have done the same or a football, but I have to respect that this was the way.
We went out eating the next day. He took his doll with him. I was telling him it would be a fun dad and son activity if we made a go-cart and entered a race. We have discussed this before. but he did not seem so enthusiastic. I was a bit surprised at this. Eating out was a strange event. When I told Samuel that I had to go the toilet, he said had to as well. I had to smile when he nearly walked into the woman's room. I reminded him he should come in the man's room with me. Things got hysterical when an old woman said she would take care of my daughter. I looked at Samuel holding the doll and his long hair and smiled and said thank you, but Samuel could come with me. For some reason, Samuel was mad.
It seems like Samuel is getting a mind of his own. I can understand that you have a growing boy most of the time, please let me know if you need help
Just a few notes to let you know how the weekend with Samuel went. To be quite honest, I am getting worried about him. I hope you can find some time to speak with me about him. I picked him up from school today and could see his face teary as he sat in the car. I listened to the other children tease him. They were calling him a sissy! I was so mad that I wanted to get out and put them across my knees.
I asked Samuel what was happening. The only thing he said was that he did not want to go back to school. I did not know what to say, except that it was a weekend, so we didn’t have to think about school.
Then I looked at him and figured that it was no wonder they called him a sissy. He had a hair clip in his hair that looked like a ladybug. Is this one of the hair accessories you had as a child? I advised him to take it out but he refused because it suited him. As he done this he reached into his bag and took out his raggy doll.
When we were back at my apartment, I noticed he had these plastic rain boots on. They were pink and had flowers on them! No wonder why they called him a sissy! What was happening with my boy?
That is not the worse. Just before I put him to bed, he was going for a pee. Being a 7-year-old he left the bedroom door open. I got a shock when I saw that he was sitting on the toilet seat like a girl. When he finished, he pulled up his panties. I had to look twice. They were not boy briefs; they were pink panties with a heart in front of them.
I tucked him in bed and did my best to explain I was not mad at him. I explained that he was being called a sissy because he acted like a girl and was looking for a girl. He shrugged his shoulder and said he was happy the way he looked. As I walked out he told me he had a secret. He whispered that he wanted to marry me when he was older. I told him he would find a pretty girl. Samuel had a worried look on his face and asked me did I not think he was pretty?
The fact is, you will not cut his hair and you are allowing him to be more and more like a girl. We need to speak!
Thank you for your one line e-mail saying you do not want to meet and you feel no need to discuss anything about Samuel.
Then maybe you will explain to me why he was wearing shorts with white tights under them when he visited today. The pink sandals did not make our son look any better.
What is worse is that you allowed him to get his ears pierced. You allowed both his ears to be pierced. I know what boys at school will think this means, especially as the earrings were angels. I wanted to pull them out and get my son back, but he was so proud when he was showing me. Later I was surprised that he was still in girl panties.
I was trying to think of something to say when we were playing with Lego. Samul broke the silence and asked could he keep his dollhouse at my house as he did not like the toys I had for him. Any boy would love the toys! What the hell is going on? This could be a phase, so I agreed with his request to have his dollhouse here.
At night, when I cuddled him in, he asked me why I never call him princess? I remained calm and told him he was a prince. Tears came to his face and he shouted in a tantrum that he was a princess; even his mother called him that! I hugged him and said goodnight.
He did apologize next day for his tantrum and asked if I still loved him because he was a princess. I said of course. Then he whispered that sometimes his mom was weird.
What is happening with our son? Maybe he needs to start playing football or some other boy activity. I think it's my fault, as he has no daily male image and being a single mom cannot be easy. Let's hope this is a phase.
When he came this weekend he was so silent and so distant. He must have seen my face when I first saw him. I could see his hair in a ponytail and he had that cute Barbie t-shirt on. It was very hard to see that he was actually a boy. The first few hours went on with him playing at his doll house. He did not say anything except he was still teased at school, but you talked to him at home that it was their problem and not his.
I tried in my own way. I bought a Spiderman costume. Remember how he always loved Spiderman? Well, he does not like them anymore as he totally refused to put it on, saying it was not pretty.
Then he started crying and he looked so sad asking me did I no longer love him anymore? Would I really make him cut his hair? The only thing I could think of was that he was afraid I could not accept him. I hugged him and explained it was because he looked like a girl, but no matter what he looked like I would love him. He whispered that he could not please everyone. I just sat and hugged him.
I suppose I should not have been shocked when we went swimming and had a one piece swimming suit, the type any girl would have been happy to wear. I decided that I would not comment it, as I promised to accept him no matter what he looked like. The good thing is that he started smiling again when we swam.
I know that I usually write after Samuel has visited me. However, we must both agree that Samuel has changed a lot. He is now thinking, acting and looking more like a girl. I want to say he is a sissy, but that seems like a negative word. The problem as I see it, does it help when you buy him all the girl clothes and even call him a princess?
I remember when he said that he could not please everyone. Is this phase something he does not want, but he wants to please someone?
I suggest you throw all the girl things out and replace them with normal boy things. This may sound a bit harsh and I am willing to pay for it if that troubles you.
There is also a possibility that he is confused with his gender identity, and he could consider himself a girl. In that case, he needs help and we need help to know how to accept how he feels
I was so shocked that I got a short letter from you. You seem so bitter when you said he has no real man to look up to. He has me! It is right what you say that I always wanted a boy and I was so proud of Samuel. It also shocks me when you write that I must be so sad and hurt that he is now a girl. I have contemplated over this since I read your letter, and in a way.., it is true. I was sad and hurt as I noticed him becoming more a girl and less of a boy. These feelings do not mean I do not love him. They mean I am confused. I want us to do the right thing as parents. I do not want us to judge him; I want us to support him. I will always worry as we know that he is being teased
I cannot get the thought of my head what my mother told me, that you are doing this as revenge!
Why do you call him Sammy in your letter?
Otherwise, our son now wears pigtails I noticed with cute ribbons, and he told me that he has started ballet. He showed me how he practices for it. I offered you money before for boy’s clothes, but notice you have enough to buy a leotard and tutu. I must admit, he looked very graceful when he practiced ballet. I asked him did he like it but got no answer.
Today he was wearing a dress! This must mean that we now have a daughter. I did not comment it. I just did things as we normally do. When I asked him if he wanted to practice ballet, he said no.
At one stage I called him Sammy. His reaction was strange as he started crying and ran to his bedroom. I followed him and decided not to say anything, just to let him have a good cry. He then asked me if he was a boy or girl. I must have looked pale as I did not know what to answer.
He then explained what happened after the divorce. You started treating him like a girl. At first, you explained that he wore panties because you had no money and the sandals and hair accessories were given to you. He did not complain as he did not want to upset you. You slowly convinced him that he was a better girl than a boy and he believed you when you said that was a girl on the inside, just with the wrong body. He thought you would not love him as a boy!
You are his mother, he believed everything you said. He even put up with the teasing at school thinking it was part of his life. The problem is that lately, he knows he is a boy and misses being a boy.
You used our son as a pawn to get revenge at me!
I have called my lawyer, as we have to look at what you did and I am now demanding full custody of Samuel.
The court case is over and it was hard demanding custody of our child. As expected, I got custody and you can no longer see Sammy. The judge could not see that you had remorse, and could not understand that the divorce screwed your head so much, that you did this with our child. I could see your remorse, as I do know you. At the court, I did not know if I could forgive you.
Sammy was very confused after as to if he was a boy or girl. I could not help him so I took him to a specialist. At the end, both Sammy and I understood that it was important he was happy. He could be a boy… he could be a girl… he could be a feminine boy… the main thing is that he accepts and is comfortable with who he is.
I moved him to a private school that has a few transgenders and are very professional and understanding. You will be happy to know that Sammy is very happy. He is a boy when he goes there.
For the most, he is a boy. However, sometimes he wants to be Sammy and not Samuel. This is why I write Sammy, as he has been a girl the last week or so. It no longer confuses him anymore. He just tells me that Sammy wants to visit.
He got a new party dress from his grandmother. He was so happy to get it but cried saying that he missed you. This got me thinking again. Is it also revenge if I do not allow you to be part of his life?
I would like to ask you if you want to be part of Sammy's life. At the beginning, I do not think it’s wise you are alone with him so my mother agreed to visit you with Sammy. Please let me know what you want
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