(Ive been feeling a little down this week...enough that taking a long jump from a tall condo building was on my mind a lot. But, I'm still here, but still having those feelings at time...writing helps, in short bursts...so, I have to take back my promise to not post snippets at a time...as it helps)

VIII. Where Boys Fear to Tread

Asking Alex for money was never a pleasant experience.
He wouldn’t force me to do his chores (I already did most of them anyway).
He wouldn’t hold it over me like some loan shark (unless gas money was on the line).
No, it was because if I asked for money he would ask:

“What do you need it for?”
“Woman things.”
“Mom can buy those.”
“Mom isn’t on her way to the store, we are.”

I really hoped that his feelings of disgust by over-thinking the situation would override any thoughts like “hey, I might get married one day and you know, I’ll have to buy this for my wife one day…” as I was not going to buy tampons (because we had an ample supply…not that Alex would have even known or cared to find out) but a particular form of test. One that I really hoped I’d fail.
Or pass…whatever. I just wanted the “not pregnant” sign to come up. One line, a whistle, something that said “you dodged it there, you lucky bitch…Karma won’t be so nice the next time.”

I leaned my head up to the door and dreaded having to ask again.

"You've been quiet lately."
"Nothing much to say."
"Are you still pissed about the other day? I didn't think it was going to be a big deal to you, Cherr."
"Forget about it." I replied as I sat back up and leaned back into the seat.

Airway Heights, came into view and Alex slowed the car down from warp speed to “for the love of God, slow down!”

"No, because the phase 'forget about it' is on par with 'nothing'."
"I'm good. Just hate school right now."
"Do me a favor, don't become a bitch like Alexis. I'll be glad when she gets her own damn license."
"Then she wouldn't pay you to drive her to work."
"It's not worth the headache."

I nodded as we pulled into the parking lot.

“Will ten bucks do?”
“Yeah.”
He fished into his jacket pocket and pulled out a wadded up bill that had a slight smell to it. Hopefully the store clerk wouldn’t care.

“Let her majesty know her coach has arrived.”

Alex pulled the car up to the front door, grabbed my backpack, and got out.

The grocery store was cavernous with a mess of aisles, a produce department and a video rental counter. Alexis used to able to rent a movie for next to nothing…at least it would be nothing except we would lose said videotape somewhere in the house….and that was it for that.

Alexis was at one of the check-out lanes—which meant it would take her fifteen more minutes before she could clock out for the day. I ducked down an aisle before she could see me and walked to the pharmacy area in the back.
The pharmacy was closed but the object of my search was on one of the side aisles. The irony of condoms hanging right above the chest-height shelves that held the tests was not not on me.
“Shit,” I muttered at the prices…with the lowest priced one at almost twelve dollars.
Maybe I should have stated that I needed the“Super Absorbent Armageddon” brand maxi and had asked for twenty…of course if I did I would have had to start bleeding through my jeans and that was not going to happen.
“Dammit,” I whispered. “Rip it out of Josh’s—“ I huffed and clenched my teeth as I walked away form the shelf and quietly walked to the center of the back aisle.
No one present.
Not a soul shopping in that area.
“I have to know.”
I walked back to the shelf, grabbed one of tests and then stepped away without any sign of nervousness. I wasn’t nervous about buying it; no, because people but them all the time.
People buy Rocky Mountain Oysters and Jolt Cola without others questions them.
No, they would question the fact that I palmed the test and placed it up my jacket sleeve.

The journey from the back of the store to the front checkout felt like an an eternity with the conflicting voices in my head telling me that what I was doing was wrong…dishonest—my picture would be in the dictionary under the term “thief.” The other one telling me that my sanity and body was worth it and besides how much food did the store probably throw out each day that was worth more than twelve bucks?
I took a bottle of soda out of one coolers next to a check-out lane

“Did you find everything?” The checker asked me as the bottle travelled all by its lonesome to the scanner at the end.

I only nodded because if I opened my mouth it would explode in a verbal diarrhea of how I hated Josh; how life really sucked at that moment and that I had no idea in Hell if my feelings were being steered by rage or hormones.

"Dollar seven, please."
I avoided eye contact as I handed the ten over to her.
Alexis was now at customer service, counting down her register.
"Thank-you, have a good day," the clerk said with a smile as she handed me the change.
I walked away from the register only to turn around at the sound of my name.

“Cherry!” Alexis waved at me from the video counter. “Tell Alex that—“
“Tell me what?” Alex yelled—louder than he really had to.—as he stepped over to me.
Alexis shook her head as she continued counting out her til.
“What’s taking so long…You bought a coke?”
“They didn’t have what I needed. You want your change?”
“No, keep it.”
“Thanks.”
“Yep.” Alex looked to the video counter. “And look who’s here?”
We both looked to see Wes talking with Alexis.

Alex’s face went into a seasons of expressions: pissed; then a frown, a smile and then to a sadistic grin.
He walked away from me, past the checkout stands and to the side of the customer service counter.
I followed, only because I didn't want to look out of place, since I had stolen merchandise shoved up my arm. Alex would divert attention away from a train wreck, so I was safe.

“I’m looking for this movie about a pathetic guy who's trying to ask out this chick but he just can’t.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the “Alex Moone Story” here. Why don’y you try Premiere Video?” Alexis answered without even looking up as she completed her count and dropped a zipped bag into the safe.
“Hey, Alex,” Wes said with a smile and a wave.
“Wesley.”
“Hi, Cherry.”

I just waved. Wes was sometimes too friendly…not in a creepy way but just enough that I didn’t feel comfortable. Like he wanted to sit on a coach with our family, everyone dressed in a cardigan while sipping hot chocolate before a roaring fire and I didn’t want to admit to myself that I wanted it too.

“Wes, can you call me later on tonight?” Alexis asked as she took her apron off.
“How late?”
“Whenever you get off.”
“As you wish,” he replied with a smile STILL on his face.
Alex rolled his eyes. “We’ll meet you in the car!”

I was once again banished to then back seat of the car. Which was fine, as it allowed me finally take the damn pregnancy test from out of my sleeve and into my backpack. I adjusted my position and closed my eyes. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone and since Alexis seldom let anyone talk in her presence, even better.
"You know what your problem is, Alexis?"
"Oh, please tell me, Dad."
"You take everything too seriously."
"So glad you noticed. Maybe you should take some initiative and grow up too."
“I’m going to be Peter Pan,” Alex said as he floored the accelerator and we sped off to Reardan.
"I'm trying to keep a four point and a job. Both of which you don't even try to do."
"I don't kiss ass, unlike you."
"Working and studying hard does not mean I kiss ass."
"Well, what did you kiss to get so far? Or would that be suck?"
"That's exactly what I mean: This family is full of slackers and deviants."
"Which camp do you fall in?"
"I'm going to be someone, Alex. I'm not going to be some knocked up bitch that drops out of school because her boyfriend dumps her and tells her to get lost.”
I kept my eyes closed, feigning sleep.
"Oh no, of course not.that would never happen to anyone like you. Miss high and mighty."
"Whatever."
"However, I think Wes has other plans."
"Wes and I are friends."
"With benefits, maybe."
"I don't have time for a relationship, Alex and even if I did-"
“So, you're telling me that Wes doesn't do anything for you?"
"He doesn't have to."
“What do you think, Cherry? She's asleep.”
“She's always asleep the past few days. Besides, what would she know?”
“She's got a boyfriend.”
“A boyfriend? Josh Daniels? Yeah, that's going to last.”
“You never know. They’ve lasted longer than any of your relationships.”
“Oh, fuck you, Alex.”
“Ooh, did I strike a nerve?”
“Junior high love, please. Eighth graders understanding concept of love. Complete and utter bullshit. They're all horny bastards who want to be friends, want to be with them for the sex and then. Then it's on to a bigger breasted, slutty.ugh, Never mind.”
“Now that sounds like a nerve.”
“God, have one bad relationship--”
"--And you hear about it for forever."
"You're past girlfriend has been Senorita Manos, what do you know?
"Burn me again."

I feigned sleep the entire trip to Reardan; only because I didn’t want to talk to either of them. Alex dropped me off at Christy’s house and I shambled down the stairs to the basement of the house. Christy opened the door and we rushed to her room.

“I picked one up.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep. I really didn’t want to. It’s like mental torture. I want to know but you know, I really don’t want to know.”
I opened my bag and tossed the box to Christy.
“Okay, let’s say you are. Are you going to tell Josh?”
“Hell no.”
“Your mom?”
“Double Hell to the no.”
“Will you at least tell me?”
I nodded—at least Christy wouldn’t scream at me or say that I did something stupid…even though it wasn’t like it was MY fault.

Christy opened the box to reveal a multi-folded poster-like manual and the wrapped test.
“It’s a frickin’ book,” she said as she unfolded and flipped through it.
“Five minutes, right?” I asked as I picked up the wrapped package.
“Yeah, it says do the thing on the thingy and in five minutes, mommy detector.”
“Not helping."

I went into the bathroom and closed the door.
“His mother is going to freak if she finds out.”
“I thought that too,” I said as I did what needed to be done for the magic to occur. “She’s the last one on my last of people who need to know.”
“Do I see a shotgun wedding in your future?”
“The hell you don’t!”
“She’ll make the two of you take parenting classes. Oh my God, could you see him in a Lamaze class?”
“Nope, because she’s never going to know.” I replied as I placed the test on the edge of the sink, knowing fully well where it had just been and feeling a little queasy because of it...the counter was so nice and clean.
I opened the bathroom door, stepped into the hallway and into Christy’s room.

“Whatever that says, it’s lying.”
“If it says yes or no?”
“If its says yes, it’s lying. If it says no, it is the greatest creation in the history of mankind.”
Christy looked beyond me and into the bathroom, as if she could see the results form there.
“It doesn’t really matter either way.”
“Are you going to get an abortion?”
“Haven’t thought that far ahead,” I whispered.
“I mean, I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t, I-“
I nodded as I sat down on the edge of her bed. “That’s kind of a half truth. I have thought of it.”
“Having one?”
“Nope, not having one....but then I think about my mom doing the single mother hustle and...do I want that shit for my kid?”
“But, Josh?”
“Single mother with two kids then.”
“But you could get help.”
“People will help, a little,” I sighed. “But at the end of the day, it will all be my fault and I’ll have to take care of everything on my own. School and all that. I seriously doubt that I could ever get child care and can you imagine taking a baby to first period anything?”
“Speaking of periods, or-“

“Shut-up,” I replied as Christy got up and walked into the bathroom. “Whatever it says, it’s defective!”

I looked away from the bathroom door. I knew what it would say.

It was going to be positive. What was the point of pretending that it wouldn’t be? While someone else would hold onto the hope that the results would be negative so they could breathe a sigh of relief and then jump with joy that life would merrily roll along like a happy little puppy. My puppy would be the one to take a huge dump on a freshly mowed lawn and then look at me with eyes that said “yeah, bitch, I did that. You just try and clean that up.”

“Well?” I asked.
“It’s lying.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Cherry, you're pregnant.”
“Dammit.”
Christy walked back in with the test. I took it from her and started at it with hatred in my eyes; hoping that I could make it burst into flames under sheer willpower.
“It's okay, Cherry, everyone--“
“No, Christy, it isn't ok. I'm not everyone. I'm thirteen, I have a crappy life so far and now this.”
“How many months are you?”
“I don't know. Not like I keep a little black book of dates.”
“Well, you're gonna need to find out.”
“How?”
Christy went to her desk and sat down. “There’s a clinic in Spokane.”
“Great, when do we steal a car?”
“What?”
“Not like I can ask someone to drive me downtown.”
“Becky could get us a car and we could go tomorrow.”
“With what money?”
“I think it’s free.”
“Even better.”